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  1. #1
    Lord Of Pain! Ingram's Avatar
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    First chapter from my first book

    i have started writing a book to get the hang of writing i as many of us here wish to be a sucseful writer here i am posting the first chapter from my story here it is, oh plz comment dont hold anything back.

    (i have a better version below)

    [This message has been edited by mordread (edited October 02, 2001).]

  2. #2
    Keeping The Equilibrium Erebus's Avatar
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    Hi, Mordread,

    I just read through your chapter and the first thing that came to mind was the lack of punctuation, though of course, I don't know if English is your native tongue. The sentences seem to be way too long in places, and the placement of a few periods or semi-colons, as well as some paragraphing, would greatly improve your narrative.

    The second thing that really jumped out at me was the overuse of your protagonist's name. Using "he" in a few places instead of Keith may make the text easier to read. There's a few spelling errors as well, which I'm sure will be picked up with subsequent re-reads and editing (again, assuming that English is your native tongue!).

    It's a good start though and I'm sure we'll all be interested to read more of your thief's adventures!

    [This message has been edited by erebus (edited October 02, 2001).]

  3. #3
    Lord Of Pain! Ingram's Avatar
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    i will definitly be correcting it and changing it to your advise but what im mainly concerned about at the moment is the story i dont really know what do next hence the title the thief dawn i was planning on having kieth rise to rich's and been a famous thief amoung the lands, but again i dont really know maybe you guys could help me out i do want to try and make it realistic and not to copying if you know what i mean


    oh and yes im english i live in australia

  4. #4
    Lord Of Pain! Ingram's Avatar
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    my god i re read it and realized how shoking it was i didnt think i had it that bad oh well here is a new edited version a little different and hopefully propally graded for the english language.

    THE THIEFíS DAWN
    BY mordread

    Chapter 1
    THE USUAL BUSINESS


    Upon the rooftop to the great library Keith waited for the watchtower bells to ring for the city guards to change. Keith had been waiting for almost an hour investigating the way the night watch patrolled the city, wondering why he even bothered coming to this small, smelly town, he wished he had gone to Cei, it would have been more of a challenge for him even though he has used his thieving skills there before. He creped to the edge of the building and looked for a way in to the inn, Surprisingly almost none of the windows were open. Except one at the far end on the top floor to the inn, Keith thought this might be a challenge after all. He stood up, and slowly walked to the edge end of the building making sure he stayed in shadows all the time, he reached the end and waited, after a couple of seconds Keith pulled out a rope arrow and his bow. He then took his bow, loaded the arrow in and let fly across the main road to hit its target that was a wooden beam. Keith put his bow around his shoulder and tied the end of the rope from the arrow to a small pipe, once he tied it he waited for the guard below to pass. Once the guard was out of sight Keith ran and jumped of the end of the building, grabbed the rope and immediately started pulling himself across. Just as Keith got to the open window he jumped through the window and ducked behind the wall and waited. Keith could hear a guard whistling and guessed he was coming around for his patrol, Keith could feel his heart pumping and was getting worried but he knew the guard didnít see him, he closed his eyes and started to relax himself like he always did in situations like this, then Keith open his eyes and realized he still had the rope going across the building, He quickly got his dagger out and cut the rope. Eventually the rope fell across the road and was left hanging from the roof, Keith prayed to the god of luck that the rope was hidden in the shadows because if a guard found it the city would be awake with guards and citizens wondering what the trouble was about, and he would have great difficulties trying to get out. He looked around to get used to his surroundings, he realized he forgot to be quiet but was glad to find the room empty, he guessed the innkeeper forgot about the window. Keith unloaded all his stuff and hid it in the corner so no one would notice it. Now free from his equipment he started his handy work, he pocked his head out side the doorway and saw no one, the only thing that showed signs of life was the local drunks down stairs in the bar. Keith began walking out along the hallway and found a door that was locked, he quietly put his ear to the keyhole and listened, all he could hear was snoring. With a smile on Keithís face he pulled out his lock pick and ever so quietly began to pick the lock, after a couple of minutes Keith was delighted to hear a loud click. He then listened to see if he had awoken his snoring friend and was glad he had not. He slowly turned the door nob and opened the door, luckily the door had recently been oiled and made no sound what so ever. After he entered he closed the door and checked his sleeping companion, Keith could smell ale and guessed his companion was as drunk as the people below in the bar. Keith immadiatly started looking around for valuables and found a small pouch full of Brashen gold, thrilled that he would not even need to check the other rooms he found more than he was expected to get for this night. Quickly Keith hid the pouch in a secret pocket he has on the inside of his pants and started walking for the door. Just has he touched the door nob his drunken victim moved in his bed, Keith thought he might have to run for it if he wakes up but luckily he began snoring again. He prayed to the god of luck and left the Inn.

  5. #5
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    A good first effort, but you must rewrite, and sharpen and etch and colorize and throw things out only to bring others in. In short, be a writer by writing more and be very self critical. You don't need comments from people like me or Erebus until you satisfy yourself that it is the very best you can do.

  6. #6
    Lord Of Pain! Ingram's Avatar
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    ignore that piece of crap up there it is crap i have done a much better one i will post much later. crap it is above

  7. #7
    Barcelona! milamber_reborn's Avatar
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    Mordread. Not too bad. A few grammatical errors but i think it has potential. Is there more?

    You should give the god of luck a name

  8. #8
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    Well...

    I'm going to blunt and maybe even tactless here. Don't be upset. It's just the most direct way I know of highlighting your problems.

    You have an almost non-existent working knowledge of the rules of grammar. Because of this, your chapter is rendered almost unreadable. These are skills that you can learn. Many new writers experience have the same problem when they first start writing.

    Remember: Writing may be an art, but there are specific skills that you need to learn. I'll put it another way: You wouldn't try driving a car if you didn't know how to steer, or which pedals to press, would you?

    Before you go any further with your novel, try this: Purchase a beginners guide to English grammar. Read it carefully, and practice the lessons that it teaches.

    Again, please don't be upset or discouraged! Writing is an endless learning experience. There isn't a writer alive who has learned everything there is to know about writing..

  9. #9
    Guardian of sffworld
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    Sorry, I didnít have time to read it earlier and comment. I have read the revised story you posted. For what itís worth here is my opinion.

    There are several areas that need work. That is to be expected. Most (if not all) writers have to revise their first draft.

    1. The most obvious to me was the plot. Now, I know that the first chapter is a bit early to be getting into the full plot, but there has to be something in that first chapter that grabs the readers attention. I didnít see any hint of that special something. Why should the reader care about this thiefís success? I know that you stated that your idea was to have your little thief become well known and famous. I donít know that if that concept is strong enough to pull readers attention. The reader needs some type of conflict, perhaps a corrupt cop that Keith outsmarts or a rival thief. Without having some kind of outline, your story will stall quickly.

    2. There are several sentences which are unnecessarily cumbersome. Some run on sentences as well. All of this can be easily dealt with by a careful edit.

    3. You also need to break this into paragraphs.

    4. The last issue is the thief seems a bit unpracticed. I doubt a real thief would rely on luck nearly as much as this thief does.

    Now, remember that you asked for comments to help you become a better writer. I hope that what I have said will help you do just that. Please let us know how this story progresses.

  10. #10
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    Not to harp on what's been written already...

    I've found over the years that the first sign of poor writing skills is inconsistent use of "tense." For example, you are writing most of your book in past tense (i.e. "Keith Had," "He Jumped," etc.) Then, unexplainably, you switch at times to present tense; "The pocket he HAS hidden inside his cloak," etc.

    In addition, try mixing in some dialogue rather than spoon-feeding the reader narration. It's okay to use inner-dialogue, by expressing the thoughts of the thief in a first-person perspective in place of actual dialogue. As it stands, we get no sense of the character's personality, and hence, feel no empathy toward him. He seems thin, 2 dimensional. In short; he's not real to the reader.

    You might try getting a book called "Writing Down the Bones" and doing the writing excercises inside. They really help sharpen writing techniques.

    Be sure to use your spell-check and grammar-check functions as well. "Creped" was not hte word you were looking for, I fear. Rather, "Creeped" may have fit the sentence.

    Try reading your story out loud after each draft. The parts that seem clunky or incorrect when you read it out loud likely ARE incorrect or poorly worded.

    That being said; don't give up! Einstein flunked out of school as a child. For a first attempt, I've seen much MUCH worse. Writing is both a gift and a skill. The gift is the imagination or idea that grabs our attention. The skill is merely that- the ability, often entirely learned, to make that idea real. The skill comes with practice. If you have the gift inside, the skill will develope. So in your head, if you KNOW you have a story to tell, work hard at it until you master the telling.

    Keep at it.

  11. #11
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    personally and i don't want to sound rude or hurtful but i found the piece to be lifeless and lacking in essence although baring in mind that whilst other children my age were reading goosebumps i was reading melville and dickens.

    all in all i believe it needs work a piece of writing should grab you and leave you wanting more.

    sorry if i've sounded well like a huge bitch but i believe you need to know varying points of veiw every one can't just say they love it now i'm rambling.

    Peppermint

  12. #12
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    Was there a point to that post, peppermint? You picked up on the fact that you were a precocious child, continued by not addressing the writer himself, and ended in an admission of your own rambling. I'm sure you wanted to unleash your ideas in this forum, but they didn't seem relevant to this specific post.
    As to mordred, I can see the ideas you are writing, but all the good stuff is covered with grammatical and orthographical errors. If you really want your piece to shine and stand out, you must get rid of these errors and reveal the jewel beneath.
    Good luck in your writing.

  13. #13
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    i plainly stated that the peice was lacking something a spark a passion
    alhtough Feacus Fidelle laymans terms may be easier for you to understand...

    i simply disliked it the piece did not grab me and say i am a worth while read.

    Peppermint

  14. #14
    Guardian of sffworld
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    Let's keep personal insults out of the forum please.

    Mordread asked for feedback so please keep all comments directed at giving advice intended to help him improve his writing skills.

  15. #15
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    Sorry

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