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  1. #1
    Junior Member
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    The Monastery: Please give comments

    I just submitted my first short story "The Monastery", unfortunately I can already see weakpoints in the writing style already. Please comment on what you thought of it (if you've read it obviously), good or bad - i can take it.

  2. #2
    Keeping The Equilibrium Erebus's Avatar
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    Actually, while the style was a little unusual, I thought the execution was quite well done.

    Sure the first few paragraphs seem more like a documentary or diary entry rather than a story narrative, but I found the later paragraphs flowed a lot better and I ended up quite enjoying this strange quirky tale of confessions!

  3. #3
    Snazzy Dancer Alucard's Avatar
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    I live in my own little world . . . or one of its suburbs.
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    I liked it. Not at all typical, which is nice. I also liked your word choices. I like it when the language isn't too flowery, but still flows well. And although the flow, as erebus put it, wasn't exactly like a narrative, it still worked. Good stuff Kun.

    The only thing I would have liked was a bit more description on the containers. I was kind of curious about their asthetics for some reason. Just a thought.

  4. #4
    Ancient Member Bardos's Avatar
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    It was... nice. The style was simple. It reminded me of Glen Cook's. And I like Glen Cook.
    Two things about editing: whatout for "leaders" and "leader's", and one missplaced closing brancet.
    The endings was... hm... ok. Not anything much, but it gave you a sense of dread the whole story that was... nice (as I said in the begining).

  5. #5
    Junior Member
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    Thank you for your responses, they're appreciated greatly. I promise to be more careful in proofreading in the future and I'll incorporate the advice about the flow of the story more. I'm thinking of writing several short stories in the same style and 'world'. Hopefully they'll be more coherent.

  6. #6
    I liked it. The flow was a little odd, but not bad. Made me wonder what else is going on at the monastery. And that's a good thing.

    -Old_Wolf

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