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  1. #16
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    UPDATE: new trailer will SOON be released, AND a story preview!

    the update should be this weekend.

  2. #17
    Keeping The Equilibrium Erebus's Avatar
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    originally posted by Derrick Davis:

    Well i am just a 'little' late on this, but a new trailer, logo, AND story preview are now available! check out everything by visiting the 'news' section of my site: http://www.bermudatriangle.u2i.org
    The link to the story is fine by itself, Derrick (though right now your site seems to be down). We have been limiting the amount of large posts at the forum boards and we have to be consistent with this. Others have posted a link or submitted their stories to our story section.

    Thanks.

    ~Erebus~

  3. #18
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    OH! (embarassment spreads on my face). sorry about that. yes, my host does seem to be down at the moment. hopefully it will be back up tomorrow.

    sorry

  4. #19
    Registered User Duarh's Avatar
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    I checked out the story preview section. . .

    Interesting. However, you need to work on your language & style. With the kind of skills you show in the excerpt, you can't write a novel and expect people to actually read it.

    It's just a matter of writing, though. After a few years of working on your skills, writing a good story shouldn't be that hard.

    reminds me of the quality (if that's a word that can be used) of writing I had at 14, just a few years ago.

    Keep working, join a writers' workshop for good advice (http://sff.onlinewritingworkshop.com for higher quality & pay, www.sf-f.org for lower quality & free, or any other)

    and yeah, besides, it would help if you devoted the time you're currently spending on web maintenance to writing
    Last edited by Duarh; July 5th, 2002 at 05:30 AM.

  5. #20
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    actually, i have spent 6 months planning this whole story out, i know i from start to finish, i even know where all of my foreshadowing goes. so am i spending more time on web design? of course not, that is just a bonus. i know my languge is not quite right, but my style? what do you mean by my style, what is wrong with that?

    i am ot yelling, i'm just concerned. i mean... i have been writing for a very long time,and this is the most original idea i have come across, and now someone says "you cant write a novel and actualy expect people to read it"? and that later on "writing a good story should not be very hard"?

    this really sets my spirits low.

  6. #21
    Registered User Duarh's Avatar
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    I understand - I felt pretty much the same way when I took my first novel to Del Rey' s online writing workshop (no longer existent; i was 13 at the time) and it was laid low with one crushing review after another. Now, I view it as one of the most useful experiences I've had in my 'writing life'.

    1) I can't judge your writing by anything but the preview you' ve posted at your page. 2) judging by what there is, here' s the beginning of a review I'd write for this in a workshop

    (skipping summary part because i didn't go through 100% of the stuff you posted)

    'A dark cloud fell over on five airplanes flying near Florida. It was a gargantuan, grasping ghost, that caught hold of its prey between twisted fingers. '- 'fell over on'? what kind of expression is that? Also, the comma after ' ghost' doesn't belong there - and ' caught hold of its prey between twisted fingers' doesn't read very smoothly, especially for a sentence in the opening paragraph

    'The airplanes were Navy Avenger Bombers. Each had one pilot and two crewmembers, except for one, because a crewmember didn’t show up when the planes took off. All of them were taking part in a routine training mission, and were going back to their base at Florida. But… something odd was happening… '-first, this is way too early in the story to be telling us that something odd is happening. Second, the way this is worded could be reworked and reworked. to give you an idea of what I'd consider a somewhat better version

    'The airplanes, best Avenger Bombers the Navy had, were manned by a pilot and two (technicians or whatever you' d call them) each except for one whose (technician) had called in at the last moment claiming sickness (any case like this isn't very likely, though, as there' s gotta be replacement people around for cases like this - safety in the Navy and all). The planes were returning to their Florida base from a routine training mission. This mission, however, was doomed to become much more than routine presently.'

    The last sentence doesn't work very well because it gives away stuff to the reader that shouldn't be given away. Build up suspense not by chucking in '. . .'s, which rarely work very well in writing unless used with REAL skill, but by having small things happen as the story moves on. Introduce the main character at once, filtering the stuff that is happening through his perceptions. Don't make the NARRATOR feel emotion/judge (something ODD was happening) - in most cases, that's a bad idea - make the main guy do this.

    'Right then, the windows all around him shattered just like the compass’s glass did! But nothing hit the windows; they shattered on their own! Taylor screamed in terror when this happened, and was horrified to look out the now-broken window and see the ocean before him. The plane was going to crash in the ocean! He pulled on the controls, trying to make the plane go back up, but there was no effect! '-There' s four exclamatory signs in the little bit. FOUR! In what published novel have you seen the narrator exclaiming so often? There may be an exception or two in the cases of works written by geniuses (or when the narrator has a particular personality, certainly), but in most cases, it is the characters feeling shocked that have an effect on the reader. Also, this paragraph has grammar trouble. 'glass had' is correct, not 'glass did', also 'Nothing HAD hit the windows, they had shattered on their own'. 'Taylor screemed in terror when this happened...' here you have both the narrator & the character panicking, which doesn't work very well. Also, you repeat 'ocean' close here, which isn't that much of a problem, but isn't very good stylistically either.

    I could go on and on like this forever for this preview. At places, you switch tenses, grammar is spotty, the narrator's voice is dubious, you describe stuff that doesn't need describing and then skip over stuff that DOES need describing, etc, etc.

    As I said, join a serious workshop if you disbelieve what I'm saying (which is your right, of course).

    and PLEASE understand that I'm not trying to put you down AND that I understand that I am doing it even as I write this. Simply, you need to realize that there' s something you can yet to do improve your writing. More than something. Imagination & story plotting may be your strong points, be happy about that. Language & expression of your ideas isn't. Work on it! And read a lot, that will help too (a mix of reading & writing is the only way to become an OK writer, I think). Good luck!

  7. #22
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    I don't have anything to add, really.

    So, why am I even posting this?

    Well... Just to let you know that I think it's great that you're writing at 14, Ddavis, and to also add that you should try not to get too discouraged by criticism. You'll need to cultivate a thick skin if you want to be a writer!

    P.S Duarh - What a great critique!

  8. #23
    Cadfael
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    Derick... don't let your spirits get too low... you are doing a fine job.

    However you did ask for opinions, and most of the above is constructive critism. It is not an attack on you or your work... just honest opinion that is trying to be helpful. Take it as such and keep your chin up Brother.

    I realise that for a story you have worked so hard on, it must be a bit depressing to find that not everyone thinks it is the next truly great work... but take on board some of the above comments... and it could go a long way to getting it there. Don't forget... these are the opinions of your prospective audience.

  9. #24
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    i understand now.

    i just tought the way he worded his review was kind of crude before, but i understand why now.

    but what i really want to know is if i am doing better. can someone compare the story preview against a story i wrote a year ago, and see if by that i am doing better?

    anyhow, durah, maybe it would be a good idea if shared you my already complete outline of the story (very sketchy of course), and perhaps you could help me on it.

    i just want to be good for something, thats all.
    Last edited by ddavis; July 7th, 2002 at 01:24 AM.

  10. #25
    Ancient Member Bardos's Avatar
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    Derrick, you're still young and have much to learn, as all young people do. Just don't let opinions put you down, and keep on writing!! Through that---writing---you'll get better.

    When I was at your age, I remember thinking that my every story was the next LotR.

    Sadly, it wasn't it.

    It still isn't.

    Though, I am much better now.

    The key to this whole situation is NOT to think that the story you write now is the best story you'll ever write. For, certainly, it isn't. Tommorow, you'll most surely write a better story, and the next month an even better one!

    But keep writing---and improving.

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