Critique - is this publishable?

**onions** · August 8th, 2006, 01:29 PM

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1786p0.html

I know, it's a crazy question...but...whatever you can say about that story would be very welcome.
Thank you so much in advance for anything you can say. (Like, did you understand what was going on. Lol. I always think I'm too obvious and then I end up being too obscure.)

onions

**Holbrook** · August 8th, 2006, 01:38 PM

I like it. It is clever and the tone is good There are a few grammar nit picks, which need doing.

Also if you are trying to publish suggest a horror mag, that won't be put off at the language and sexual tones.

**onions** · August 8th, 2006, 02:54 PM

Thanks, Holbrook!

And, oh gosh...English is not my first language...
Could you point my grammar bloopers out to me? Or are they too many?

**Dawnstorm** · August 8th, 2006, 08:23 PM

I quite like it. It's an annoying read (in the - I suppose - intended way). The repetitions really grate... (You should make that a novel with nothing else happening and see who reads it to the "end". *insert evil grin smily*)

"Für Elise" annoys me even if it's played well. Heard it just that once too often...

I didn't find too many grammar mistakes. What I did notice:

Then you went on to show off with Liszt and Schubert and all that ****.

Unsure whether it's really wrong, but the way you use "show off" here reads a bit odd to me. (It might be okay, though.)

I'd say:

"show off your Lizt and..."

It's either "show off something", or simply "show off", as far as I'm aware. I don't think your sentence is wrong really (I could interpret it as "show off", and the with-clause as a modifier of the entire sentence instead of only an object of "show off".)

If you go on playing it'll just go on and on forever - you torturing Elise and me kneeling on the floor with my hands over my ears.

"and me" --> "and I"

Unless, of course, you mean to say that Kat's torturing them both (Elise and the narrator). In that case, the participle clause is a bit off (as it would only refer to "me", but the object of torturing would be "Elise and me", so that the participle clause would be better off starting a sentence of its own [with it's own participle clause]).

If this clause does have two subjects rather than two objects (as I suspect), you might also consider a comma to make reading easier (breaking the flow and preventing the reader from reading "Elise and" as a unit). --> "- you torturing Elise, and I..."

In any case, whether you're actually saying it in this sentence or not, it's quite clear that the narrator is also tortured.

***

That's about it. Nothing else stands out for me.

I'm trying to figure out where Kat makes her mistake. Is it in the bridge, before the theme is repeated (that would be bar 10, as far as I know). I also can't figure out what this represents: " that idiotic ba-ba-ba-ba-da-bum" The rhythm doesn't seem to fit anything in the etude... (but then that may be the point). Heh... I'm a bit of a geek that way; I even looked at a midi, just for that purpose.