Results 1 to 9 of 9
  1. #1
    Magical Ninja TheIELighten's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Pretelleria
    Posts
    189
    Blog Entries
    3

    What do Y'all think of my blurb?

    The Dreamer Awakens is a short story. John Davidson whose childhood was haunted by devestating night terrors. In his adult life he believes he has finally conquered those ghosts of yesteryear, until the dreams return, only this time they share an eerie similiarity to the abduction of the presidentís son. Will John be able to overcome his fears and possibly rescue a terrified child from his imprisonment?



    Yeah, I have no idea how to do this *laughs*. I'll work on it later.
    Last edited by TheIELighten; January 8th, 2014 at 10:11 PM.

  2. #2
    I'm not going to focus on what I liked, as I'm certain you already know what you do well. What didn't work for me -

    I don't need to know this is a series unless they're going to be out immediately. Right now, that would be a deterrent to purchasing because I cannot guarantee I'll get the end of the story. Better to give me a good, first outing so as to make me want to read more in any subsequent volumes.

    "Story one stars John Davidson whose childhood was haunted by devestating night terrors."

    Aside from the misspelled word, I hate to read the word "stars" because it is confusing given that's what is usually utilized in movie blurbs. I would prefer - Devastating night terrors haunted John Davidson's childhood.

    The rest of that opening paragraph seems solid enough, though I would raise the question in the reader's mind if those dreams are really connected to the president's son or not. Add a bit of paranoia to the situation.

    Now moving on to the rest of the blurb --

    I...hate...ellipsis points. (stylistic decision, just sharing my opinion.) Watch switching tenses. I typically don't mind choppy sentences, but this seemed a bit forced and unnecessarily melodramatic, but then again, that's another opinion. Take it for what it's worth.

    Hope I gave you some help!

    wf

  3. #3
    Magical Ninja TheIELighten's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Pretelleria
    Posts
    189
    Blog Entries
    3
    Thanks WF

    That's good to know that saying it's part one might turn off readers. Out that goes then.

    Thanks for pointing out the misspelling. I pasted it in and forgot to check for red lines. I need to turn the automatic spell checker back on in word. I had to turn it off when I was doing my encyclopedia because it contained thousands of created words and it confused things.

    Makes note to try creating paranoia and to consider not writing blurb like I'm writing a TV show review. *giggles*

    I might not keep the dream sequence. Though keeping it in might be good if it signals the kinds of readers who might not like my story. Will have to think on it. Not that it's full of ellipses, but it is kind of dramatic.

    This was my first blurb ever though, so pretty good first effort? I've got a month to meet my goal and make it better.

    Thank You for the input!

  4. #4
    KMTolan kmtolan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2008
    Location
    Near Austin TX
    Posts
    1,285
    A blurb is, for me, one paragraph at most, and a brief one at that. A quick sell point such as "In a world of sheep, Greg was determined to be a tiger. To bad he didn't check his linage. Too bad the wolf next door did." This teaser is great for beneath book covers and when mentioning the title.

    What you have is more of a back jacket sort of thing. In such a context, I would still be looking at a paragraph style (which means you would omit all of the dialogue) as this is a summary. Of course, if you have an incredible (and short) dialogue exchange that really really sells the book, you could get away with a back cover of the interchange. My eyes tended to drag across your text, as I was more interested in what the story was about (how he was going to cope with the dream and why it was important enough for me to care) rather than the dream sequence itself. Your prose also seemed too flowery for me.

    Kerry

  5. #5
    Magical Ninja TheIELighten's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Pretelleria
    Posts
    189
    Blog Entries
    3
    Thanks KM

    It's for my the amazon store page and the kindle experts generally suggest to use as much of the allowed space as you can. But I will most likely leave out the flowery stuff, which isn't in the book. I have a month to improve it. Once the story improves I'm sure the amazon jacket description will improve too.

    Those are great points for me to think about to make it better.

  6. #6
    Ataraxic Moderator KatG's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    In the Sea of Tranquility
    Posts
    12,014
    If it's the president's son who is abducted, why is he seeing a girl child? I'm sure within the story there is context for it, such as a girl child comforting the president's son perhaps or a girl from his past night terrors, but the blurb presents a boy child as the focus and then the excerpt gives us a girl child instead. So that might confuse some folk.

  7. #7
    Magical Ninja TheIELighten's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Pretelleria
    Posts
    189
    Blog Entries
    3
    Hadn't though of that, KatG. Don't want to confuse people. I love hearing what other people see or hear because I'm terrible at guessing.

    The plot is supposed to be mystery like, and just in case, someone on here accidentally downloads my book when I hopefully work hard enough to get it publicly approved I don't want to give away the surprise.

    I will go now and delete that part since everyone agrees it sucks. Thanks you muchly for telling me

  8. #8
    Ataraxic Moderator KatG's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
    Location
    In the Sea of Tranquility
    Posts
    12,014
    Quote Originally Posted by TheIELighten View Post
    Hadn't though of that, KatG. Don't want to confuse people. I love hearing what other people see or hear because I'm terrible at guessing.

    The plot is supposed to be mystery like, and just in case, someone on here accidentally downloads my book when I hopefully work hard enough to get it publicly approved I don't want to give away the surprise.

    I will go now and delete that part since everyone agrees it sucks. Thanks you muchly for telling me
    It doesn't suck; it's just maybe not the right excerpt. Excerpting is difficult with a short story, so you might just want to stick to the summary description/tease part.

  9. #9
    Magical Ninja TheIELighten's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2011
    Location
    Pretelleria
    Posts
    189
    Blog Entries
    3
    Thanks

    I'll try again later.

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •