Critique: help me with this plot

[Bree]

I've been writing this story for a few months, but i'm now at the point where i don't know what else to right. i'll write the basic plot i have and if you have any good ideas tell me

It's about a young teenage girl called Fayde who is taken into slavery with her younger brother Thrynd after their town is attacked. While she is in slavery, her master, Perc, is visited by a man named Hirst. Fayde discovers that Perc holds a valuable jewel in his possession, and Hirst wants it. Eventually Fayde is summoned into Perc's study, and asked to hold the jewel. Instantly the jewel begins to glow in her hands, and Fayde has a power with it. In time Fayde manages to get a chance to steal the jewel, and fleeing the city with Thrynd, they run into a nearby forest. A few days later they are found by cavalry, coming from a nearby city called Rexel. Fayde and Thrynd are brought to the city, and given jobs in the castle. Fayde instantly develops a close relationship with the queen, Eshya, and soon learns that the queen is troubled. her husband, who left years before, has been killed, and their young daughter Eia is missing. While at a feast Fayde is accused by a man of being Eia, the lost princess. one evening, while in her room, Fayde accidentally calls out a name. A man named Maeshar appears, and Fayde notices he can make her talk another language, and that he knows her basic life story. He notices the jewel in her possession, and calls it an esaya. Maeshar tells Fayde that they must leave, to see a man named Tast. Shocked, Fayde tells Maeshar she will think over his proposal. While visiting her brother, Thrynd, in the stables, Fayde becomes frustrated and fights with him. She scars Thrynd's soul, and he is unforgiving. Fayde becomes so annoyed, that she decides to leave with Maeshar, and journey across the land to find Tast.

That's as far as i've got so far. I'm thinking of maybe making Fayde being forced into war against her brother. I've also considered making her Eia, and her finding out on the queen's deathbed. I'm not sure how to continue it, so could you please give me any good ideas and tell me what you think. Thanks

[Bree]

oh no, is it really that bad?!

[Dawnstorm]

A plot is what you make of it. From what I read, it seems your story is character driven. But all we have about your characters are names and circumstance.

Your plot raises a few questions:

"...and asked to hold the jewel": Why?

"...Fayde manages to get a chance to steal the jewel": Why would she? Because of the power? Is it an obsession? It's quite a risk.

"...given jobs in the castle. Fayde instantly develops a close relationship with the queen...": Most people with a job in the castle won't even meet the Queen, much less be allowed to talk to her. That'll need explaining.

"...Fayde becomes frustrated and fights with him...": About what?

"I'm thinking of maybe making Fayde being forced into war against her brother.": A war with a stable boy? What kind of war? Is this a political intrigue/civil war scenario?

"I've also considered making her Eia, and her finding out on the queen's deathbed.": Depends. What's the jewel/an esaya? How does that fit in? Could that have been a source of confusion?

I suggest starting to write the story. Who knows, ideas may come as you flesh out the characters and setting. And you can always scrap what you've got and start anew. (My current work in progress had three false starts.)

[JBI]

I like it. It isn't your typical build, and it features a female protagonist which I like. Like the poster above me said, the plot is character driven (from what I read, though I only read the plot and not the setting which could change things) meaning that you really need to get in depth with the character. I assume that you are writing in a first person narrative (correct me if I'm wrong) meaning you will need to master the way Fayde thinks, acts, and behaves.

As for where to go, surprise the reader. You have an interesting set up, and you can easily toss things around. The idea of her being the Queen's daughter may be good, but at the current state of the plot, I personally think wouldn't work (how could a queen's daughter end up in a town that was sacked by the queen and then enslaved). Another point, you really need to get in depth with the society. This clearly is a society that allows slavery. What else does it allow? To bring it to the next level, you may want to question the role of women in society, and the political set up. It seems strange that in such a primitive society that the leader would be a woman (they don't seem like Amazons to me).

Perhaps you may try a bit of betrayal from the brother, eventually leading to an intense amount of suffering on Fayde's part. This if done correctly could give you a decent set up for the conflict between siblings, and eventually give you the "war" you are looking for, though personally I think a full out war, based on the way the plot sits currently, seems a bit out of the question from a simple slave girl. Perhaps she needs to kill him? Perhaps he wishes to kill her?

Overall I think it is a very interesting idea. I like the originality, and the use of a female. As well, I like how this isn't another "quest to save the world". Post more when you decide how you will move from there. I would be quite interested to see how you move with this.

[Bree]

Hey, you said you have a few questions, here's the answers..

"...and asked to hold the jewel": Why?
Perc knows that the jewel holds a certain power, but he isn't sure how to use it. He is desperate to keep the jewel from Hirst. Perc wants to see if Fayde has any power. She does, so he hits her, angry that she can do what he can't.

"...Fayde manages to get a chance to steal the jewel": Why would she? Because of the power? Is it an obsession? It's quite a risk.
Perc goes away for a while, sorry i forgot to mention that, so no one is at the house to keep a constant eye on Fayde and Thrynd, only Hirst stopping by every few hours. Yes, because of the power, Fayde is obsessed with the jewel, and wants to know what she can do with it. so she steals it, she thinks she has nothing to lose anyway.

"...given jobs in the castle. Fayde instantly develops a close relationship with the queen...": Most people with a job in the castle won't even meet the Queen, much less be allowed to talk to her. That'll need explaining.
When Fayde arrives in the castle grounds the queen happens to be walking in the gardens. No servants are in the garden, and so the queen has no choice but to tell Fayde what to do herself. I mentioned that i might make Fayde the missing princess, so maybe the queen recognised her missing daughter, but was too unsure to say. That's why they develop a relationship, but neither really see it as a mother daughter relationship. The queen doesn't want to say right away, so she goes as slowly as she can, in telling Fayde.

"...Fayde becomes frustrated and fights with him...": About what?
Fayde's a teenage girl, so simple things her brother says is going to annoy her. Thrynd annoys her by teasing her, so she lashes out, saying that she wishes they weren't related.

"I'm thinking of maybe making Fayde being forced into war against her brother.": A war with a stable boy? What kind of war? Is this a political intrigue/civil war scenario?
Fayde's a mere servant/slave girl, yet she holds a power. Thrynd may also hold the same powers, even if he is a stable boy, but he wants to use them for darker purposes. So it's a typical fantasy fight, good against evil. I don't know if i'll put in political or civil war. I might, we'll see.

What's the jewel/an esaya? How does that fit in? Could that have been a source of confusion?
no, not a source of confusion, a name it's the name of a jewel that holds power

any more questions ask

[Bree]

thanks JBI ^_^
if by 1s person narrative you mean Fayde is telling the story, then no. It can come from any character's point of view

(how could a queen's daughter end up in a town that was sacked by the queen and then enslaved).

Fayde's town wasn't sacked by the queen, the queen lives on the other side of a forest, not far from the city that sacked Fayde's town, so when Fayde escapes she runs in the opposite direction with her brother. When the cavalry find them, they take them to the queen's city. But I'm not sure if I'll definitely make that happen.

I dunno, i'll work with it, and post any new ideas.

[Sidmyster]

mentioned that i might make Fayde the missing princess, so maybe the queen recognised her missing daughter, but was too unsure to say. That's why they develop a relationship, but neither really see it as a mother daughter relationship. The queen doesn't want to say right away, so she goes as slowly as she can, in telling Fayde.



dont think this would work, seems unlikely

maybe she just reminds the queen of her daughter and becuase she misses her, she tries to be close to Fayde

[Bree]

I dunno, it might work if i twist Fayde's past. She's the same age as the princess, and her father was killed at the same time as the king. It wouldn't be too hard, but i'm not sure if i'll put it in. It'll be hard because the plot has led Fayde away from the queen.

[Bree]

I've decided to change the plot completely. Here it is:
Fayde is 16 years old, and the daughter of a family increasing in power. Fayde's father, a power hungry,harsh man banishes her after she and her friends offend the towns mayor. By shouting insults and hitting the mayor with a rock, Fayde may have ruined her family's only chace of moving positions in the city. Something that is vital in status. With nowhere to go, Fayde ends up leaving the safety of the city walls, and ends up in the slums. She stays with Ceres and Iasion, 2 loyal friends. She refuses to forgive her father, even if it is her only chance out of the slums. Yet she is desperate. So when the traders come in summer she begs a man to take her away. She has abandoned her hope her of ever returning to her home, so now looks to a new life. the man agrees, not knowing what he has done. Fayde is different from anyone he has ever met, and she stands out in every crowd. She holds a powerful gift that flows through her viens. And she isn't the only one...

That's only the basic outline of the plot. I haven't really decided exactly what I want to happen. I'll probably take ideas from the old one too. Let me know what you think.

[jallenw]

First let me say that I, too, am a character writer. My novels are character driven. I rarely outline a novel at all until I've already written anywhere from 20 to 70 pages. I can usually break down my outlining into the following steps. Keep in mind that if I am engrossed in writing the story I rarely do this. This is what I do when I get 'writer's block' or hit a troubled spot. You don't want to interrupt your writing just to keep outlining.

Step 1: Keep a 2nd word document open while you write. Keep a list of your character's full names, relationships, age, birth dates, place of birth, jobs, interests, and anything else you can think of. Not all of it will be put into the book, but all of it will help you understand who your characters are as individual people. Every bit of information you can think of is important, you never know what little insight will inspire you.

Step 2: Ask questions. Whenever the plot moves forward try to ask yourself as many questions as you can about Why the character did what she did, why events happened the way they did. Don't worry about answering the questions, just write the questions first. Example, if you character commits a crime then you might as "Why did they do it?" "Do they usually engage in criminal behavior." "How did they rationalize it." "Who was harmed by their actions?" "Who benefits?" "What authorities will try to pursue them for it?" "What is the typical punishment for the crime?" and so forth.

Step 3: Answer your questions with MANY different possibilities. Think of all the possible answers to each question and write them down. It doesn't matter if they make perfect sense, right now you're just brainstorming.

Step 4: Pick the answers that you feel are best for your novel. You might have to talk with other people about them to get fresh ideas or insight. If you tell people about the story, remember and write down the questions or comments that they have. I keep a spiral notebook and pen with me at all times just in case. You never know when your muse might come calling.

Step 5: If, after doing all of the above you are still stuck, then skip forward in the novel. When I wrote Love Eternal I got stuck about half way through and couldn't think of how to proceed. I did, however, have a good idea of some of the things that were going to happen later in the novel. I simply hit enter twice, typed ???, hit enter twice again, and started writing from a point much later in the novel. After I finished that later chapter I had all the information I needed to go back and complete the previous chapter.

Step 6: Get a txt to speech program for your computer. It doesn't matter if the voice is a little robotic. Windows XP should come with txt to speech software included. I used LH Michelle for a long time before I got a better txt to speech voice just this christmas. Use it to listen to your novel whenever you can. I listen to my current project every night while I'm trying to get to sleep. Most of the time I fall asleep after about 30 minutes, but the story still works it's way into my subconscious. We process words differently when hearing them than we do when reading or writing them. This gives you a fresh perspective on the story.

Step 7: Beg and plead with friends and family members to read your current draft. Ask them how far they've read every time you see them. Annoy them about it to no end. They are your family, they can't get mad at you. If you are the type of writer that is scared of letting others read your work, then you're in for a hard career writing. You have to be confidant enough to be willing to ask everyone you know to read your work. Tell them that they don't have to edit or proofread or even help you get ideas. All you need is for them to read it and tell you honestly what they think. This is one of the hardest parts of being an aspiring writer. Most people, in my experience, don't take you very seriously. They don't understand that this is your calling, your dream, your mission. They think of it as a hobby. One person, after reading one of the drafts of my novel, told me, "Wow, that was as good as a real novel." He didn't know that saying it like that wasn't really a compliment. I knew that he liked it, but because he hadn't bought it at a bookstore it didn't register in his mind that it was a 'real' book. Now that it's available in flesh-and-blood copy I hope that he will think differently.

Last but not least, don't be afraid to put a project on hiatus and start a new project. My first book was supposed the be the first of a 5 book series. I started more than a dozen different novels before I wrote Love Eternal. I will often go back and write a little in each one if I get too frustrated with my current project. Your first book is unlikely to be your best work, in fact, if you are a good writer, then your first book should be your worst because as you write you should always be learning more and more about the process.

I hope these ideas help.

Peace,
J. Allen Wentworth

[Bree]

Thank you, that was without a doubt the best piece of information anyone's ever given me about writing. I think I understand more about writing now. The step about keeping a page for the character's factfile never occured to me. Now though it sounds like one of the best ideas. I often forget facts I thought of earlier while writing, but forget later.

I started writing a book earlier, but when I got to around 20 pages I realised to plot wasn't going were I wanted it to go. I felt it was too rushed, and that I didn't know my character's well enough. I've just started the new one about a week ago, and I'm going to take it slowly.

Thanks for the advice

[sparx]

LOL, well i can't tell you how to continue the story because then it won't really be your own story, that came from your imagination. I can only give you some advice on your story.

You have a really good plot here and like everyone has mentioned, seems to be very character driven. Definently concentrate and develop the relationship between Faye and her brother, Thrynd and foreshadow throughout the novel their potential falling out. Also do you have a clear ending to your novel, or is it a first in a series? I think you need to have the answers to these before you can begin to continue the plot of the story.