Critique; A pre-sequel.

[Holbrook]

Been a busy morning. I have written a good 1000 words of Hand of Glory and done this.

The back story of Oracle is really a novel in itself, so I thought I should start fleshing out the notes. Only first draft so tonnes of errors. Though it is the first whole scene.


http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/2248p0.html

[MrBF1V3]

Holbrook--
I'm going to copy that story into a file so I can open it and read when the house is quiet (or at least quieter) if that's okay.

I'll let you know what I think.

B5

[Holbrook]

Thanks, Mr B. I feel it is very flat compared to my other work, not happy with it at all at present.

[kater]

I think the language makes it flat, the first page is a bit awkward to read and the repetition of similar sentences "The same granite...The same wind," doesn't aid the nature of the start. I know how you like to write but even then some of the sentences take some reading, the very last one I had to read a couple of times to make sense of it. My general impression is that there's nothing particularly wrong with it, it could just do with being a bit more concise and simplifying the sentence structure a tad. My $0.02 to the account

[Dawnstorm]

I feel it is very flat compared to my other work

I tend to agree, although I'd say "a bit" instead of "very". I also agree with what Kater said; there's nothing that can't be fixed.

It reads a bit as if you were focussing on imparting information, rather than imagining the story. It oscillates between Colliridge's perspective ("It was a mistake to discharge...") and a narrator's account of the mysterious figure ("Colliridge" ("evealing only his annoyance at his descent being so delayed"). There are parallel grammatical constructions, with no corresponding parallelism in meaning ("He flung..." (Colliridge) --> "He dumped..." (Colliridge) --> "He was still alive..." (Not Colliridge)).

There are good bits, like Colliridge pushing himself through the crevice (I liked that a lot), but they don't come together as well as they usually do. I'd suggest writing on to see how things develop. It's often easier to go back and improve a scene's coherence when you can make them consistent with other scenes that work better.

It's not "as good as usual", but it's not bad. (And Coot's Pass will make a great story; will it feature coots passing? )

[Holbrook]

So... as I feared flat and c**p. Back to the old drawing board for this, though I do want to start if with Colliridge.....hmmmm.... Wonder if the bit I wrote for HofG and another story is as bad...

[Dawnstorm]

Drawing board? Nah, I think the design works. The execution's a bit lacking this time. Either re-write or try to edit. The concept is sound!

And by all means start with Colliridge; it's a great idea!

[MrBF1V3]

I know this is an early draft, so I'll not comment on grammer--besides, I'm not the expert for that. So, this is my opinion.

The concept, so far, is interesting. Action happens and the story moves, there might even be room for a bit more information. Where it's lacking is in the character. Am I supposed to like this guy or hate him? I found no connection with him, although he did give me some ideas on how to handle some problem employers . (kidding.)

And Holbrook, didn't you know? Good stories aren't written, they're rewritten. Getting something on the page is step 1.

B5

[Holbrook]

I know this is an early draft, so I'll not comment on grammer--besides, I'm not the expert for that. So, this is my opinion.

The concept, so far, is interesting. Action happens and the story moves, there might even be room for a bit more information. Where it's lacking is in the character. Am I supposed to like this guy or hate him? I found no connection with him, although he did give me some ideas on how to handle some problem employers . (kidding.)

And Holbrook, didn't you know? Good stories aren't written, they're rewritten. Getting something on the page is step 1.

B5

Thanks MrB, you are right, he is bland. In Oracle he is a bad guy, one you admire and dislike at the same time. I need to re-capture that if I am going to write a good part of the story from his POV. Thought it was a good idea. Needs more thinking on. Having the back story well ploted to use in Oracle, I thought this would come easy, seems I am wrong.