Hook me in 25 words or less

[tmso]

Bent double in a salt-filled chest of bone waits Deraxis. Eyes and mouth copper-sewn tight, heart beating with every midnight.

Dude!!!

You have to come back. That is wicked. Sent shivers down my spine. What does Deraxis wait for? I hope for a chance to nibble away at those who put her in that chest.

I wonder, though, if the comma might be better left in that first sentence for just a bit more clarity. I did have to read it twice to get the gist, both your first version and this one.

Either way, the two sentences paint a vivid picture. Well done.

[Window Bar]

"I couldn't let them starve," said Helene, "so I've opened a gate through to the neighbors' yard. Pit bulls do eat children, I hope?"

[Luya Sevrein]

"Sometimes I scream to let it out. No one hears."

Though they stood under the lights, in the crowds, as the people passed through him.

[M. R. Mathias]

Hyden Hawk and Mikahl discussing their two man invasion of the Dragon Queen's castle.
From: Kings, Queens, Heroes, & Fools - The Wardstone Trilogy Book II


“We go up into that castle and start killing skeeks and bald-headed wizards until there’s no one left to kill.”

“Is that really your plan?”

[M. R. Mathias]

From: The Confliction - Dragoneer Saga Book III


"Ohh, Zahrellion, you'll find love again," Jenka said to her as a coral-green tear rolled down his cheek.

[M. R. Mathias]

From "The Butcher's Boy" by Michael Robb Mathias

There was nothing threatening about the ghost's gaze, but Michael was no less terrified because of it. The apparition reached a hand toward him...

[M. R. Mathias]

The dragon, Claret speaking to Hyden Hawk, in her lair. From "The Sword and the Dragon"



"Now step aside, lest I roast you by mistake."

[M. R. Mathias]

From "Cold Hearted Son of a Witch - The Dragoneer Saga Book II" by M. R. Mathias

"That beast'll shock the hair right off an old man's nards is what'll do!" growled Herald. "I can show you."


I'm done.... :-) I have 17 more recent books, but that would get tiresome.

[kennychaffin]

"That's Enough for Me! It's whoopin' time!"

[M. R. Mathias]

"That's Enough for Me! It's whoopin' time!"

If I knew who was saying that it would be more intriguing. You've baited your "hook" well. But you cant "hook" someone if your bait isn't tied to a string.

If you want to "HOOK" a reader with 25 words they have to know where those 25 words came from. Otherwise you are just writing sentences, not writing "HOOKS."

[Gkarlives]

The fires were stoked, the idiots were hungry, and the cannibals were waiting for nightfall. Oh, how trusting are those that dream of riches.

[MrBF1V3]

I should have known better. When you get old your memory goes bad. I have a dog. George is older than me. Pizza! Who are you?

(-

It came out of nowhere, it did. So that's where Sam was headed.

[tmso]

The old noggin' break down, eh?

[MrBF1V3]

--one of my more creative weeks.


I found it; the most beautiful teacup in all the world. But when I picked it up it was full of sand.
I cried.

[Cirias]

Don't ask how this got into my head, but here you go...

'Screw you!' he cried. 'You're just a damn orange!'