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  1. #1
    Registered User Prescottfry's Avatar
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    Post The Silent Tongue Killer

    A flash story hot off the press that will get you in the bloody mood for Halloween 2014!

    Thanks to my editor, Anne fisher, for all her hard work.
    #prescottfry
    Last edited by N. E. White; November 2nd, 2014 at 02:31 PM. Reason: self-promotion, please promote in the promotion zone

  2. #2
    Beast on Board Luka Datas's Avatar
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    3400 words Flash.

    I think Flashes are <1000 words.

    I think you lost track of a few things along your way while writing as well. The victim's ages being the main one. Interesting story all up. I think 'The Silenced Tongue Killer.' might have made a little more sense in the context too.

    I took some notes as I read it. Some, like the use of the word 'fervent' might be explained by the ending, but it is a bit of a dead give away.


    Like Henry’s own obsessive intrigue? (strange sentence.) + brothers, aged twelve, + Authyorities, + calling on community leaders, + targeting (stalking/ seeking) his next prey, + blonde woman, + that attended raising, + returned to his seat in the back of the cart, to the left... , + “Shoot, I thought I missed my stop... , + slightest clue of evidence(?), + went after the strong(?) - since when are 12 - 13 year old boys 'the strong?', + The man had mentioned him(?), + males, between ages fifteen to twentyfive, (what just happened there?) + It was a big disappointment to him, + message, (or clue(?),) the killer, + unrelenting devotion (quest) to find, + he'd felt a small, + not only did he mention the message left behind after the most recent double slaying, ( the narrator just asked the cop about the message, didn't he?) + than met the eye, + Henry couldn’t see how it was possible (strange thing to say ince the narrator is so personally fascinated.) + What a rude little bitch, + Henry ignored the comment, + Henry felt his stomach drop.(?) (is that a new american saying? It's the second time I've seen it this week?) + Feet from him was the silent tongued killer—s.(?) (strange sentence) + His hands shook fervently. (?) (fervently - having or showing great warmth or intensity of spirit, feeling, enthusiasm, etc.; ardent: a fervent admirer; a fervent plea.) + carried it around out of hope for all the lives (another strange sentence.)

  3. #3
    I write stuff J.D. Carelli's Avatar
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    The mods haven't been by yet, so I might as well let you know. Self-promotion has it's own thread here.

    Just one example of what that might look like can be found here. (See what I did there?)

  4. #4
    Registered User Prescottfry's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Luka Datas View Post
    I think Flashes are <1000 words.

    I think you lost track of a few things along your way while writing as well. The victim's ages being the main one. Interesting story all up. I think 'The Silenced Tongue Killer.' might have made a little more sense in the context too.

    I took some notes as I read it. Some, like the use of the word 'fervent' might be explained by the ending, but it is a bit of a dead give away.


    Like Henry’s own obsessive intrigue? (strange sentence.) + brothers, aged twelve, + Authyorities, + calling on community leaders, + targeting (stalking/ seeking) his next prey, + blonde woman, + that attended raising, + returned to his seat in the back of the cart, to the left... , + “Shoot, I thought I missed my stop... , + slightest clue of evidence(?), + went after the strong(?) - since when are 12 - 13 year old boys 'the strong?', + The man had mentioned him(?), + males, between ages fifteen to twentyfive, (what just happened there?) + It was a big disappointment to him, + message, (or clue(?),) the killer, + unrelenting devotion (quest) to find, + he'd felt a small, + not only did he mention the message left behind after the most recent double slaying, ( the narrator just asked the cop about the message, didn't he?) + than met the eye, + Henry couldn’t see how it was possible (strange thing to say ince the narrator is so personally fascinated.) + What a rude little bitch, + Henry ignored the comment, + Henry felt his stomach drop.(?) (is that a new american saying? It's the second time I've seen it this week?) + Feet from him was the silent tongued killer—s.(?) (strange sentence) + His hands shook fervently. (?) (fervently - having or showing great warmth or intensity of spirit, feeling, enthusiasm, etc.; ardent: a fervent admirer; a fervent plea.) + carried it around out of hope for all the lives (another strange sentence.)
    What do you think I should do so that I don't make it so apparent that he is the killer

  5. #5
    Beast on Board Luka Datas's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Prescottfry View Post
    What do you think I should do so that I don't make it so apparent that he is the killer
    I'm not 100% sure. What you are doing seems about right tho. You are dropping in little clues along the way that our guy is the killer and in spite of them all I still wasn't entirely sure the protagonist was the killer. In some ways many of your 'logic mistakes' could be seen as brilliant. But only if they are deliberate.

    But having said that writing is a bit of an experimental science and so if you remove all the logic slips and the ending seems contrived, or you remove most of them or just one and the character seems suddenly terrifyingly mental while having a flawed logic all of it's own. - you can't know for sure until you've tried it.

    When writing stories in general though even fictional fantasy stories it's best to tie what you make up as closely as possible to what you know. So if you don't know - research until you do know.

    lucky for you you are sitting at the ultimate research machine.

    http://www.dichotomistic.com/mind_re...onalities.html

    And you can even use it to beef up the things you do know.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Glossar...ransport_terms

    * maybe you could have your character recall visiting crime scenes and collecting evidence as a part of his own investigation as well (to give it a little more weight.) rather than doing all of his investigating through the newspapers and mainstream media.

    * the police officer earlier in the story has met Henry and can tie him to the two Tongue killings as well, so perhaps he would need to find her and bump her off. The killer in the end could have a crazy 'PSYCHO 1" type conversation with himself and a third personality whose job it is to tie up loose ends that Henry has left. Or just have a masked killer gun her down in front of her precinct.
    Last edited by Luka Datas; November 2nd, 2014 at 02:59 AM. Reason: do - to + another thought.

  6. #6
    It could be worse. ~tmso Moderator N. E. White's Avatar
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    Prescottfry - you have been warned in private about self-promotion posts. If you continue in this vein, you will be banned with no further warning from me.

    Thank you for your future cooperation.

  7. #7
    Registered User Prescottfry's Avatar
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    Jesus Christ, I posted it in the writing section to get edited by other writrrs. Not self promotion

  8. #8
    Registered User Prescottfry's Avatar
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    Got some nazi moderators on here

  9. #9
    Beast on Board Luka Datas's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Prescottfry View Post
    Jesus Christ, I posted it in the writing section to get edited by other writrrs. Not self promotion
    There is a workshop thread but if I were you I'd have a go at the flash and Short story comps

    The flash has already been posted and the short story one should be up soon.

    This is where the flash one is. http://www.sffworld.com/forums/showt...on-competition

    If you're interested in feedback on your stories you'll find no shortage of it through the competitions. I've been finding it pretty useful.

    I think the moderators don't want too many links to stories popping up in writing forums because if they let that slide the next thing you find happenning is peoples computers crashing because of viruses hidden in the links, not to mention that you won't be able to find writers questions and work because the forums will get flooded with spam.

  10. #10
    Registered User Prescottfry's Avatar
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    Alright, my bad to the moderators. Just had a rough day and I put a lot of effort in writing that story and it was nice for a change to have someone respond with some logical critique. Writing can be very lonely at times. When I try to put my writings in self promotion, I never get any responses. Very frustrating. But I look into those, makes sure my stuff fits the guidelines next time.

  11. #11
    Beast on Board Luka Datas's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Prescottfry View Post
    Alright, my bad to the moderators. Just had a rough day and I put a lot of effort in writing that story and it was nice for a change to have someone respond with some logical critique. Writing can be very lonely at times.
    Yeah the comps help you to get motivated. And focus on your writing a little more too. As far as feeling a little lonely, though. I think that's always been the nature of the Writing (and now the Writing on the Internet) Beasty.

    Thanks for saying my review was logical, too. I'm always telling people how logically minded I am and they are are always telling me "**** off! You are not, even!!!"

  12. #12
    Registered User Prescottfry's Avatar
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    As you can tell, I'm more right brained Lol

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