December Flash Fiction Voting - "Thread B"

[Sterling13]

Please read before casting your vote(s):

Welcome to the voting threads for the December Flash Fiction Contest, theme "Tradition."
First, if you've never participated or voted before, please keep in mind that there is a voting thread "A" and "B" (there are a maximum 12 polling options for each thread, hence the need for 2 threads).

Please read all entries before casting your vote.

The Rules:
1) Voting is encouraged by all members of SFFworld, not just those who entered. Feel free to vote!
2) You may cast up to a total of 3 votes (so you can vote for 1, 2, or 3 entries).
3) Each vote is equally weighted - There is no 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place vote, just 3 votes.
4) You do not get 3 votes per thread. It is 3 total votes over the two threads.
5) You may not vote multiple times for the same entry.
6) Should some silly person vote for 4 or more entries, I will message that person, redicule him/her, then ask kindly for them to clarify their voting (ie, limit it to their top 3). I will then adjust the totals manually in thread. Should I not be able to reach the person before the voting is over, unfortunetely, all of their votes will be discounted in the totals.
7) Again, you do not have to vote for 3 entries!
8) Though it is not required, if you are voting, you are encouraged to write a quick review for each entry in the voting threads. Feedback is always, always, appreciated.
9) The person with the most votes at the end of the voting period (end of the month) wins the contest and gets to host next month... with full and total supreme dictator powers.

Happy voting!


The "Thread B" Entries:

Kanshi by Brenda Pernack (venustar)
http://www.sffworld.com/forums/showt...259#post553259

What His Sister Saw by Tristis Ward (Tristis)http://sffworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=25067

Sisterhood by Sean Regan
http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/4042p0.html

Traditions Old and Unforgotten by Peter William (PeterWilliam)
http://sffworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=25093

Two Brothers by David McPherson (Sancho)
http://www.sffworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=25102

Lepidoptera by Robert Garbin (Gkarlives)
http://sffworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=25120

The Tree by Mike Hazelwood (DaddyDarth)
http://www.sffworld.com/forums/showt...456#post554456

One of us by Federico Patané (SuperFede)
http://www.sffworld.com/forums/showt...599#post554599

Rudy by XXX (dandelliondeath)
http://www.sffworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=25039

In addition, we have two entries that did not quite fit the guidelines (one was over the word count, the other submitted a day late). In all fariness to the other entrants, I'm not including these two in the voting, but I do encourage you to offer feedback on them:

The Call by Todd Banker (txshusker)
http://www.sffworld.com/forums/showthread.php?t=25153

Jonathan Barley by Carin Marais (marshwriter)
http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/4050p0.html


Feedback
All contest entrants are encouraged to leave feedback on all entries. Normally, feedback is left within the voting thread. However, with the addition of the new writing sub-forum, you may wish to leave your specific feedback in that particular author’s story thread.

If you do choose to leave feedback in the individual threads, I would ask that you also link/mention/repost the feedback in the voting thread as well.

[Hereford Eye]

Kanshi, Brenda Pernack
Well written take on tradition producing just a single question:
How did Kanshi get from his room where he commits seppuku to the room where his sensei committed seppuku?

What His Sister Saw, Tristis Ward
Oh, brilliant! Absolutely brilliant!
What a punchline!
Gotta vote for this one.

Sisterhood, Sean Regan
Another to take tradition to a different place and to do so expertly. Although I half expected her first client to be her predecessor, I was not disappointed at how it played out. Though the reaction of the townsfolk realistic. What I wonder, though as an orphan it is more palatable, why a young woman would accept the office. The ability to bring peace I understand but the certain knowledge that you will be outcast for doing so would make it a difficult choice.
Good job, Sean.
Gotta vote for this one.

Traditions Old and Unforgotten, Peter William
Well written and I enjoy the closing line.
Still, in a small community, wouldn't they suspect something? And when they couldn't find Harker, become even more suspicious? How long before musing become accusations, especially from Zoe?
I don't think it's a happily ever after.

Two Brothers, David McPherson
Yeah, there's enough there to postutate the outcome but, dang it, I wanted to read the outcome. Now, I'm left with my native cynicism and am conjuring all kinds of dire happenings. Why couldn't you just let me see the dog ripping their father a new one?
Oh, well, nicely done!

Lepidoptera, Robert Garbin
First, I enjoyed the story. The concept and execution are near flawless.
The coming of joy after long conflict, a tradition, works very well. Now, to things that do not work well for me:
The first para has two topics, one the forest and one her dress. And her dress is an oxymoron: a dress that takes two months to make but is unadorned by finery.
In the third para, you remind us that brothers can be a bother.
Then in the next para you use the last line to change the subject of teh forest to the butterflies. This, to me, ruins the notion a para should contain a single thought.
Finally, and it's probably chauvinistic as all get out, what does an elegant breast look like?

The Tree, Mike Hazlewood
Another well done piece!
Those well-lit Chinese trees do come in handy. But not near as handy as faith, eh?

One of Us, Federico Patané
A whole new meaning to fishwife; well, fishwoman.
A couple of unusual usages but, if I remember correctly, English is a second language for you so let that go.
Me, being me, I wonder what the men in that place are doing all this time and why they don't notice something odd about their womenfolk? Good story, though, needing just a bit of cleanup.

Rudy, Dandeliondeath
I wonder if English is a second language for you as there are lots of little grammar errors. Put that aside and deal with the story. It begs a hugely important question and a minor importance question.
The hugely important question is what happened to Rudy. Where did he disappear to and why? He could not have been in the water as the Nickolas-backward thought because a six-year old could not have saved a grown man.
Of minor importance is the question of why the blue eyes that are so important they are mentioned twice are so important?

The Call, Todd Banker
The Gift to the Magi told really well.
I really admire this line:

To whom now could he leave his life’s work? Power was his wife, now, and gold was their only child.

If it had qualified, gotta vote for this one.

Jonathan Barley, Carin Marais
Making the tradition of the Lord’s Prayer stretch to the final scene requires a bit of tightening. From that five year old to the 25 year old, the tradition suffers a bit from lack of continuity.

Two gotta-votes and three oughtta-votes. See, I need eleben votes, boss!

[PeterWilliam]

I really liked the stories submitted and had fun participating. Ultimately, the three shorts that worked most on me were those from Tristis, Hoodwinked and DailyRich. A great group regardless.

[tmso]

Kanshi by Brenda Pernack (venustar)
This is a good, conflicting take of the tradition of seppuku, especially since most folks brought up in a western society find suicide so distasteful. I’m not in that camp, but I liked how you brought it full circle at the end with both committing the act – Meiyo fulfilling his pact with Lord Fumito, dying honorably, and Jun essentially committing suicide to avoid his obligation to Meiyo Sensei, her (I can’t tell if the protag is a male or female, was that your intent?) master.

By the way, who is Kanshi? Did I miss the protag's name, or is this someone else? Isn’t that the Japanese word for Chinese poetry? I’m not sure who is saying this. Also, why would they carry his/her body to the Sensei’s ceremony? Wouldn’t that be a dishonor? I don’t think they would have done that. But…maybe that’s just me.

Regardless, very good take on the tradition of seppuku. I thought you did an excellent job of integrating the Japanese terms and their meanings. Good job.

What His Sister Saw by Tristis Ward (Tristis)
Excellent story Tristis. I really enjoyed this one. I liked how you described his home, and the journal entries were very well done. As I am reading a great deal about the Spanish Inquisition and the persecution of Jews and Judaism, this really resonated with me. Interesting how religious intolerance can take on so many forms, the incessant wearing down of one’s faith to adopt the more popular one. Very good take on the theme, and beautifully written as well.

Sisterhood by Sean Regan (TheGhost)
You have my interest now Sean. Your last story revealed your novel’s world quite nicely, and this one is even more enticing. Just how far along on that book are you?

Very well written, though the second paragraph in that last section (starting with “Six years earlier…”) seems misplaced. It broke the story stream for me. Otherwise, a remarkable window into Ayla’s and the doumla’s world. Excellent.

Traditions Old and Unforgotten by Peter William (PeterWilliam)
Yikes! Murder during Christmas. Is the evil deed justified? Will Victor complete the journey to outcast? Will Zoe and Ben know, deep in their hearts, what Victor did? Well…I know that I’ll keep in mind the ‘three sshhh’ whenever I go out for a walk in the woods!

I enjoyed your story Peter. Though the writing was a little awkward in places, the story was well conceived and very engaging. Your story left me with a lot of questions, but in a good way. It simply prompted me to think about the possibilities for Victor and his family, and the nature of good and evil in terms of domestic violence. Well done.

Two Brothers by David McPherson (Sancho)
A very heart-breaking story David. I really enjoyed the relationship between the two brothers, but your story just breaks my heart. We know the two will not experience a Christmas like the rich boy. It just won’t happen, not in the real world. But maybe, just maybe, in your world they do? Leaving it open ended like that allows the reader to devise his/her own ending, but I’d rather that you had done it. As it is, I see the cloud passing over the moon as a harbinger of ill tidings, not good ones. Was that your intention?

Lepidoptera by Robert Garbin (Gkarlives)
These was an interesting tale Rob. I really liked your descriptions, and combining butterflies with dragons is a big plus for me.

The overall message for me was that of renewal, and salvation. Though, exactly how that is going to happen is a mystery to me. What exactly is Maia going to do for the village now? Is she really the embodiment of joy? If so, how will that help? Maybe I'm missing the plot, but I felt that her purpose, the purpose of her transformation, is not as defined as it could be. Otherwise, very well done.

The Tree by Mike Hazelwood (Daddy Darth)
This is a good story Mike. I liked the descriptions of all the snow, and ice. The different consistency of the snow as it changed throughout the piece was well done. There were a couple of times towards the end where there was a bit of confusion with the flow of events. I’m assuming that Beth, his wife, called out his name. He turns to see Ella on the ground, and Beth screaming. For some reason, that just doesn’t seem to logically flow for me. It could just be me, so ignore if no one else mentions this. Also, when he goes back out for Beth, that’s not entirely clear, because you just use the pronoun ‘her’. I assumed it was Beth, but for a split second I was, he went back out for Ella? But she’s right there? Anyway, other than those two nitpicks, nice story, and very nice how you tied it back to the pre-lit Chinese tree.

One of Us by Federico Patané (SuperFede)
This is a very enjoyable story Federico. The story is very sensual, and a concise and clear picture into Jane's world. There are some grammar (commas) issues and awkward phrasing, but the story is solid. Well done.

Rudy by ?? (dandelliondeath)
This was a very interesting story dandelliondeath, but the format was a little difficult to read (lack of quotes), that I found it difficult to keep track of who was saying what. I would suggest reviewing the guidelines on how to mark off dialogue.

Now, in regards to the story, I thought it was very nice, but a bit contrived. Apparently, as told by several of my instructors, coincidence and chance is acceptable in reality because, well, we all know that coincidences happen all the time, but in fiction, it’s just too convenient. I don’t entirely buy into that rational, but I do understand why they caution against a ‘lucky’ meeting. Most readers want to know why something happens, and that the events in the story lead up to that natural conclusion. I think it works in your flash, but it was just a tad bit predictable. Otherwise, a very touching story. Good job on your first entry! (I think this is your first entry, correct me if I’m wrong. ).

The Call by Todd Banker (txshusker)
Well described beginning of the three wise men story Todd. I really liked the attention you paid to each wise man. But the story didn’t go anywhere for me. I expected some sort of epiphany at the end. Otherwise, well written.

Jonathan Barley by Carin Marais (??)
This was an interesting tale Carin. I think I would have enjoyed it had I been able to follow it. Jumping from the 5 year old, to the young adult, to millionaire, to murderer was a bit much for me. Otherwise, good writing that with a little bit of transition can be excellent.

[PeterWilliam]

I just went through and read the stories by txshusker and marshwriter. Those were both well done.

txshusker: As good as yours is, I'm not sure it works well for flash fiction. It's a story that is going to take you out-of-bounds no matter what. That is to say, I don't think that your tale can be done well in 1000 words or less.

marshwriter: I was jolted by the transitions from protagonist's childhood, to adulthood and the back-and-forth between arrival at the church, and the events that led up to it. It felt "glitchy."

[venustar]

Hi guys! Sorry I haven't been around. My five year old daughter was just released from the hospital after almost a week, having been diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. She was admitted and in critical condition with DKA; diabetic ketoacitosis...basically, she was slipping into a coma.

Today. we are home and I am fumbling with all of the equipment and medicines that she needs now, so I'm preoccupied. I'm not sure if I will have time to sit down and critique everyone this month. I'm just not sure.

Anyway, I will be voting for sure, and I will be reading your critiques as much as I can. So please just bear with me.

Also, just for clarification on my story, Kanshi is an honor suicide, done to protest a lord's decision. Traditionally, the protester cuts himself, immediately wraps his wounds, then presents himself to the lord, revealing what he has done. My character's name is Jun. And yeah, I kind of left him ambiguous.

[Tristis]

Hi guys! Sorry I haven't been around. My five year old daughter was just released from the hospital after almost a week, having been diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes. She was admitted and in critical condition with DKA; diabetic ketoacitosis...basically, she was slipping into a coma.

Wow. That's tough. Diabetes 1 really sucks. Friends of mine grew up with it and had really hard times.

[tmso]

...Kanshi is an honor suicide, done to protest a lord's decision.

Ah, well, that needed a little more explanation then.

So sorry about your daughter's diagnosis. So glad she's back at home now, but yeah, lots of frustrating (and scary) moments in store for you two. Keep in mind that it is doable, and good luck to you both.

[Daddy Darth]

Kanshi by Brenda Parnack
Wonderfully written and a good first person narrative (not usually my favourite). I quite enjoyed it being a fan of Samurai stories and movies. It was sad. Are you gifted with knowledge of Samurai tradition or did you have to do some research. I am curious what inspired this story.

What His Sister Saw by Tristis Ward
Without a doubt the best written in the bunch. You created a vivid parallel world version of Ebenezer Scrooge. I struggled with your story though b/c of my affection for the source of your story. I must admit this is one of my favourite stories of all time and I watch Scrooge every year (B and W, 1953ish starring Alistair Sim). I find the redemption of Scrooge to be a very inspiring and moving story and your suggestion that he was duped /tricked felt cynical. That being said good is good – your story is brilliant and I am voting for it for sure. It was a brave story well told. Bravo.

Sisterhood by Sean Regan
Well written story for sure and is based in a clearly conceived world. However this story line did not grab me. This is based on my personal interest not my estimation of the quality of the story which I believe is high. I am certainly interested in your WIP and the conflict that ensues there as I recognise that this is backstory for a main character.

Traditions Old and Forgotten by Peter William
I had a visceral response to your story. I’d want to kill the son of a bitch too and not worry so much about the consequences. Good story. What caused the current state of affairs I wonder for the people?

Two Brothers by David MacPherson
Dude you left it short. I loved the conversation b/w the brothers. I so wanted to know what happened. Was the cloud a magical sleigh I wonder?

Lepidoptera by Robert GarbinWonderfully imagined and written. Tell me more. Feels like the beginning of a promising story. Nice job.

The Tree by Me
A challenge to complete this month. As I was writing it a young Autistic child a few hours away from here wandered away from home and was lost in the woods. His dog stayed with him for a couple of days but finally returned home giving searchers a clue – they were able to follow his tracks and find the direction he was in. He was found hours later alive but in critical condition. Everyone in the province was relieved but sadly he passed away the next day. I almost did not finish mine – it seemed pretty hollow after that but in the end I needed to write something hopeful.

One of Us by Federico Patane
A creative tale. It left me curious as to who the enemy is. May have been interesting to give us a glimpse.

Rudy by DandelionDeath
I’m sorry but I could not get into it. I found it challenging to believe he would open up to the young man and then the bizarre coincidence that it was his son was too much without some tie to explain it. Also where on earth was the lad all this time and how did he survive? Too many unanswered questions.

The Call by Todd Banker
Very nice story with a hopeful message for this time of year - I liked it. You did a lot with the space allotted even if you were over by a smidge. Decently written as well.

Jonathan Barkley by Carin Marais
I found the story to be a little unfocused jumping from praying as a child, to running to the church to the bar fight without enough connection in between. A focus on one element perhaps the bar fight with a reflection on how he had changed from the praying child might have been good. Just my opinion though.

All stories are now read. This is the hardest month yet for me to vote in. Tristis is getting a vote but then tafter that there are a whole whack that are neck and neck - each deserving of a vote in my opinion. I may have trouble sorting it out. I shall need some more time.

[Dawnstorm]

In this thread I voted for: What His Sister Saw

I could also have voted for: Kanshi

[I notice that I usually enjoy more stories in the first voting thread. Since I always read all stories in one go, I wonder if this is fatique. I'm thinking of changing reading method next month (if I read, no promises, there). But the problem I have with spaced out reading is that I forget to go back in time...]

[Hereford Eye]

When it comes down to it; Tristis Ward wins hands down with her marvelous twisting of Dickens. If there were second and third, then His Eyes, How They Twinkled would be 2d for me if for no other reason than the punchline. But there are many other reasons including the class distinction and the litanies of woes. Founder’s Day edges out my other other two contenders for its totalilty. Everything you need to understand the story and the whole new world is there, concise, complete, and crazily sensible.
If I could, I would have voted for Sisterhood and The Endurance of Snails but, evidently, Sterling 13 refuses to give me an exception to policy. Can’t say that I blame him.

[DailyRich]

Kanshi by Brenda Pernack (venustar)
It almost strains credulity that the main character manages this detailed narration while bleeding out from seppuku, but who's to say what we experience as we die? A good rumination on what's important, justice or tradition, and in whose eyes.

What His Sister Saw by Tristis Ward (Tristis)
Hah! We were just watching A Christmas Carol on Christmas Eve, and at the end, I said, "Ebenezer Scrooge died penniless two years later." And I hadn't even read this yet! So I have to support this story for "great minds think alike" purposes. Although I do wonder how the fake ghosts were able to make him see all the visions of Christmas.

Sisterhood by Sean Regan
It's certainly vividly described but there doesn't seem much of a throughline here. It feels like something that occurs in the middle of something rather than an even worthy of chronicling in its own right.

Traditions Old and Unforgotten by Peter William (PeterWilliam)
Kind of saw the ending coming as well. And I won't bring up the point Hereford made in the thread again, since you've acknowledged it. But it's a great effort.

Two Brothers by David McPherson (Sancho)
I think this leaves off in just the right place -- any more and I probably would have sunken even further into depression.

Lepidoptera by Robert Garbin (Gkarlives)
I like the idea that, when the Wood of Callings stops making warriors, the time of war is nearly over. Art as a harbinger of peace.

The Tree by Mike Hazelwood (DaddyDarth)
"Passing knights on ski-doos provided rescue" may be my favorite line from any story this month. Well done.

One of us by Federico Patané (SuperFede)
Now that's a fish story! It certainly went in an unexpected direction.

Rudy by XXX (dandelliondeath)
The formatting on this one was a little jarring. And I think you had room to dig a little deeper into the relationship between Rudy and the narrator.

Kanshi, What His Sister Saw, and Lepidoptera are the stand-outs here.

[DailyRich]

In the end I voted for Rebirth of the Phoenix, Lepidoptera, and What His Sister Saw, even if my vote did give it the lead over my story.

[venustar]

Shirking my responsibility to provide feedback for all of the work, I just want to say that I enjoyed reading them, at least. As I said before, I'm just not in a good place to provide constructive critique, as my thoughts are elsewhere...mainly, the health of my daughter.

In the end, I chose:

What His Sister Saw by Tristis Ward (Tristis)

His Eyes, How They Twinkled by Richard Dickson (Daily Rich)

The Endurance of Snails by Pete Warner (Hoodwink)

Great effort on everyone's part. There is a little piece of every story that I wish I could have voted for.

[TheGhost]

Kanshi by Brenda Pernack
There's a very nice tone to this piece, and I think it's because of how well you handled writing a story set in Japan using the English language. It's hard to find any English colloquialisms in the story, though I grimaced at "wracking my brain" and "really for myself." There are good details as well, such as the strip of rice paper. I thought Jun was a bit naïve, considering he'd been part of this culture for some time.


What His Sister Saw by Tristis Ward
What stylish writing. I thought the story lost its thread somewhere in the middle, before recovering for the ending. But then, I don’t think I like the ending. Call me a Scrooge, if you must…


Traditions Old and Unforgotten by Peter William
It's a well-written story, but the story is the problem. Wouldn't Victor be the prime suspect? I find it difficult to believe that he could get away with it just by shutting up. And why do the other people care so much to search for Harker when they let him get away with beating Zoe? Don't these hardy survivors have their own methods of justice? Also, why does this have to be set after a war?


Two Brothers by David McPherson
Nothing like a little Christmas cheer, huh. I think you over-emphasized the father's brutality; a couple clues would do just fine. I liked the more subtle line about the mother's grave.


Lepidoptera by Robert Garbin
Well-conceived, imaginative story, with some poetic passages and images. The paragraph describing the tattoo was particularly good. In other places, you load up too many adjectives, with the first paragraph being the most prominent culprit.


The Tree by Mike Hazelwood
Glad for the happy ending. The storm comes on a bit suddenly; perhaps some foreshadowing would make it go down better. I’m not convinced that they could have survived through the night under the tree. It might be less cold there, but cold is cold.


One of Us by Federico Patane
I like the idea of the story, but the tone of it seemed incongruous to me. The first four paragraphs read like something from contemporary society, but the fish / human revelation seems like it would fit in a fantasy world. So there’s a bit of a clash in this reader’s mind.


Rudy
I thought the ending was too easy. Why does the kid reveal it in that fashion?