Cool, I got it from the stories section but just curious.
keeping the faith by Dan Bieger (Hereford Eye)
His Eyes, How They Twinkled by Richard Dickson (Daily Rich)
Seven Years by Guerric Haché (GarrickW)
At Any Cost by Art Pacheco (suibom)
Founders Day by XXX (MrBF1V3)
Rebirth of the Phoenix by Victoria A. Rogers (NickeeCoco)
Blinded by sight by James MacEachern (MrJims)
Empty Space by Owen Jones (kater)
A Christmas Visitor by Nila E. White (tmso)
The Endurance of Snails by Pete Warner (Hoodwink)
Cool, I got it from the stories section but just curious.
I got that with several stories. Clicking the link again usually got rid of the problem. Strange.Originally Posted by kater
When it comes down to it; Tristis Ward wins hands down with her marvelous twisting of Dickens. If there were second and third, then His Eyes, How They Twinkled would be 2d for me if for no other reason than the punchline. But there are many other reasons including the class distinction and the litanies of woes. Founder’s Day edges out my other other two contenders for its totalilty. Everything you need to understand the story and the whole new world is there, concise, complete, and crazily sensible.
If I could, I would have voted for Sisterhood and The Endurance of Snails but, evidently, Sterling 13 refuses to give me an exception to policy. Can’t say that I blame him.
I grasp onto what power when I can, where I can... I find it keeps my head inflated just enough...
Apologies for the brevity, it's been a rush just to read them. My thanks for responses to my story, particularly Dan and txshusker for their posts in the actual story thread.
Keeping the faith by Dan Bieger
Interesting, this making me think thing is a bad habit in your writing. The Keep struck me as a version of schroedigers cat, damned if they do and maybe one day damned if they don't. Lack of a resolution, I'm not sure it can have one, leaves it without emphasis for me though. I'm not a fan of faith
His Eyes, How They Twinkled by Richard Dickson
I like it a lot, great idea, solid pacing and dialogue plus a chuckle ending. Top notch FF.
Seven Years by Guerric Haché
Well written, interesting - creates a lot of questions and quite emotive, although the reveal was a small let down. Good job.
At Any Cost by Art Pacheco
I'm with his wife on this one, what an idiot. The opening was a bit awkward, time of day confused me and there were some issues with setting. The world was familiar and the story itself is predictable but fairly well written.
Founders Day by B5
I've read this a few times and still feel like I'm missing something important. Great tone and feel as usual.
Blinded by sight by James MacEachern
How can you see 'from afar' if it's landless, through a 'cloudy atmosphere'? One of many questions in what feels like a large, purposeless info dump. I didn't care for any part of the story and all of it pre-staged to ask a familiar question. Sorry not my cup of tea.
A Christmas Visitor by Nila E. White (tmso)
Heh, the idea is a bit forced for the gag and I thought the alien was going to be a reindeer for a second there but it's a fun image. Arms waving - 'Nothing to see here alien, move along.' Couple of typos/missing words I think but a tradition no longer a tradition is a good flip on the theme.
The Endurance of Snails by Pete Warner
Your images are wonderful, Isabella reminds me of my gran and the whole thing is quite mad. Bravo.
Rebirth of the Phoenix by Victoria A. Rogers
Until it was mentioned on this thread the fact she was pregnant didn't register. I think I didn't really understand what was going on fully so I came away a little ambiguous about it.
Likely votes to Rich and Pete depending on the other thread.
keeping the faith by Dan Bieger (Hereford Eye)
I'm with NickeeCoco on this one, this read more as a conversation designed to espouse a philosophy than an actual story. And the origin you describe seems like it would make a better story than the aftermath.
Seven Years by Guerric Haché (GarrickW)
There's a nice bit of symbolism here -- Toras has a wife now, so he doesn't really need the comfort and companionship Nelson provided anymore. So Nelson dying could be seen as the cat realizing his role has been played and he can move on.
At Any Cost by Art Pacheco (suibom)
Agree with Hereford -- where in this blasted landscape are the finding saplings? Still, it's a good take on the importance of tradition (even if I think the importance of having their father around outweighs the importance of having a tree).
Founders Day by XXX (MrBF1V3)
Santa by way of Quantum Leap. I liked how the doubter became the believer, and how the cycle continues. I wonder if Andreal will now disappear to prove to her child that the story is true.
Rebirth of the Phoenix by Victoria A. Rogers (NickeeCoco)
I don't think Madelian's fear is literally of dying, but of a figurative death, that as the mother of the new Phoenix, she can't have the life she thought she was going to have with Xavier. Nice job of creating this world in so short a space.
Blinded by sight by James MacEachern (MrJims)
I'll echo the others who were a little confused as to the exact nature of the relationship between the two clans, and how the Ead manage to survive at all. And I just can't let "there" instead of "their" go. Ouch.
Empty Space by Owen Jones (kater)
Nice reversal of the Santa story. I simply looked at it as "the world" being the city, not necessarily life itself, so I wasn't bothered by them presenting him with means of survival.
A Christmas Visitor by Nila E. White (tmso)
I was half-expecting some very confused ghosts trying to teach Aumia the true meaning of Christmas, so the FSM threw me a bit. It's a cute story, but a little abrupt at the end.
The Endurance of Snails by Pete Warner (Hoodwink)
Don't have a lot more to add to what's already been said. This and Rebirth of the Phoenix are the two candidates in this thread for me.
In the end I voted for Rebirth of the Phoenix, Lepidoptera, and What His Sister Saw, even if my vote did give it the lead over my story.
Shirking my responsibility to provide feedback for all of the work, I just want to say that I enjoyed reading them, at least. As I said before, I'm just not in a good place to provide constructive critique, as my thoughts are elsewhere...mainly, the health of my daughter.
(If you haven't read the other thread, I am busy taking care of my five year old daughter, who has just been released from the hospital as a newly diagnosed Type 1 diabetic.)
In the end, I chose:
What His Sister Saw by Tristis Ward (Tristis)
His Eyes, How They Twinkled by Richard Dickson (Daily Rich)
The Endurance of Snails by Pete Warner (Hoodwink)
Great effort on everyone's part. There is a little piece of every story that I wish I could have voted for.
Keeping the Faith by Dan Bieger
I could have played Deep Thoughts with those two in college. Now? Forget it. Two peeves with this one. First, I was confused by the first three paragraphs, by how you twice combined thoughts of one character with the speech of another in the same paragraph. This makes for a very bumpy entrance to the story and I had to read it twice to get going. Second, you're too good of a writer for "sheepishly." It also breaks the verisimilitude that these people belong to a culture separate from 2009 Earth.
His Eyes, How They Twinkled by Richard Dickson
Fantastic. Writing as clean as a whistle, loved the theft from Jaws, great bits such as the characterization of Rock and the ending. My one nitpick would be the use of the word "ass" in the big speech. Not that I don't say "ass" all the time myself, just that I don't think this character would use that word.
Seven Years by Guerric Haché
The writing's pretty good. My issue is with the storytelling. I don't get the scene with the sister or the girl, considering that the details are irrelevant to the cat. Why does this guy have to be changed in some way, or be involved in some exotic war, to feel cozy with a cat? The story builds up to a disappointing ending. Also, why is Christmas even in this story, if it has little to do with the actual tradition? The mentions of Christmas clash with the bit about the Big War and Zefasja and his name change.
At Any Cost by Art Pacheco
So there's a dangerous robot thingie, and the humans are living a desperate existence underground. That becomes clear in the story and there's no need to waste words with an info dump in paragraphs 3 and 4. I thought your writing could use fewer adjectives; they're sprinkled all over the first two paragraphs, which slow down the reader and make for a slow start. Also, I didn't like how you wrote his reaction to the machine's appearance. ["Damn!" he spat out. "You're not supposed to be here!"] That's the author writing, not the character acting.
Founders Day by Steve Jones
The story of this separated culture could be interesting, but I thought the theme could have been interpreted in more compelling ways. Certainly this culture could have traditions that don't draw on the Santa / Christmas concept. Also, too many names in the early paragraphs make for a clunky beginning.
Rebirth of the Phoenix by Victoria A. Rogers
Really like the imagination in this one, and the writing is fine. It wasn't immediately clear to me why the avatar was a man, but now I get it. Perhaps that could have been handled with something more obvious than "warm and inviting."
Blinded by Sight by James MacEachern
This needed some showing, not telling. Also, I think this might have worked better for me if it were in third-person perspective. The writing was smooth in places but suffered from too many misspellings.
Empty Space by Kater
I didn't understand what was happening on the first read, which is a problem. Perhaps because it's not clear why he is leaving. A phrase of explanation, a clue, would have been helpful. I do like the story.
A Christmas Visitor by Nila White
There's humor in this, but I think the story suffered by lingering too long on the client, who isn't amusing. I did like "adult-sized butt" and the result of Aumia's quick-thinking at the end. Details in the first paragraph suggest a contemporary setting, but later information indicates otherwise. It's kind of jarring.
The Endurance of Snails by Pete Warner
A likable story, though you could cut at least 10 adjectives from the second paragraph and not lose anything. Something I particularly liked: her husband's words come off as the words she imagines he would say, which is the point. Does she have Snail Treats in her home or something?
Heh. Yes, it could have been. . . But I was actually aiming this more for the YA thing and obvious sex isn't really appropriate for that. However, you're right. I have to expand on that scene more. This story isn't really for the flash thing, I don't think. It needs to be longer.Perhaps that could have been handled with something more obvious than "warm and inviting."
I voted for What His Sister Saw, The Endurance of Snails and Traditions Old and Unforgotten all of whom just beat out Rich's His Eyes, How They Twinkled.
In the end, I only used two votes. I went with Founder's Day and The Endurance of Snails. I felt that these two were the most complete, needed the least amount of editing and were marketable.
As usual I haven't read any of the other crits yet, so if I mention something that's already been done, sorry.
keeping the faith by Dan Bieger
The action in this piece is the conversation. We find a Keep and a tradition built around it called Commandments, but what does the addition of a colon to the most important saying mean?
His Eyes, How They Twinkled
by Richard Dickson
First, I wouldn't take that final bet because, hey, you never know. A gritty and dark-edged look at the people who play santa--maybe "play" isn't the right word--I've seen a few places like that before, are you sure this is fiction? Nicely written, I could see it all.
Seven Years by Guerric Haché
This story is well written, but I find some elements in this story confusing. Nelson is a cat, hidden at first but revealed in the end. I'm not sure of the nature of what Toras has done or what he has become, why he had to leave at one point-- breaking down the front door of the school had something to do with it, but was allowed back every year to visit a cat and try to talk him into leaving an abandoned house. I'm sure he has a good reason, I just don't know what it is.
At Any Cost
By Art Pacheco
In all the emotion of the moment, it was well done. The need to get the gift for the children (I have seen that look in someone's eyes in a department store recently--scary.) The machines intent on illiminating anyone who they find in their territory. It doesn't do to question it too much, there are a few 'whys' there which can't be answered.
Founders Day by (MrBF1V3)
Dummy text dummy text dummy text dummy text.
Rebirth of the Phoenix
Victoria A. Rogers
Well, I was anticipating some kind of death, but then you added a rebirth. But she knew she was saying good bye to everything, so maybe she is. Rich with color and description, but deliberately misleading at the beginning; "she wanted to live". Also, all this to secure next spring, has anyone ever wondered if maybe spring would come around anyway?
Blinded by sight by James MacEachern
Good on world building, you present an alien society in all it's simple fullness. It's a kind of life that makes sense, but is very different from anything we know. The story is in the narrator, and most of that is off scene, maybe too much.
Empty Space by Owen Jones (kater)
Dark and full of feeling, quite a visual treat. I began to feel the bittersweet depression as Duan was driven from town by tradition and need. It's a linear plot, directly from point A to point B with no chance of turns, but you pulled it off well. Good job.
A Christmas Visitor by Nila E. White (tmso)
There was a definite, and kind of abrupt, left turn in this plot. I would have wanted to know what was next though, and have always wondered how she would start the birth of Jesus of Nazareth and tie that to the goings on of a christmas party. I understand why the alien was confused. Speaking of which, ... Mrs. X?
The Endurance of Snails
by Pete Warner
What next? You have a creative streak that isn't just a surface thing. Marking time with snails and talking to ghosts, kind of a sad existence. Well written.
BTW for those who wrote crits, thank you.
B5
keeping the faith by Dan Bieger (Hereford Eye)
Ah, that age-old (or is it renaissance old?) logic puzzle. I have a real soft spot for philosophy and religion stories and this is a good one. I was entertained, which is of chief importance, of course. I also liked the problem as stated, and understated and explored.
His Eyes, How They Twinkled by Richard Dickson (Daily Rich)
A pissing contest about piss. Funny indeed. I laughed out loud a couple of times through it. I swallowed the grain of salt about the bad blood between santas because the story was worth it, but it did remind me of the movie Twister with its “bad-guy” tornado chasers and “good-guy” tornado chasers. While neither here was the bad-guy, you did have to stretch for that brawling-level of rivalry. I would have liked the story just as well without that conflict.
Seven Years by Guerric Haché (GarrickW)
I get the sense that this is from a larger piece. I’ve slipped in bits of my longer stories, too. I would rather you had given us more on what Toras did that destroyed his street, though. I found the character interesting. I want to know him more. I’m also a little curious about the cat. Is he a character in the longer piece, or written in as a focus for the flash?
At Any Cost by Art Pacheco (suibom)
The first time I read this I got a little teary-eyed. It’s well written, too (although there were a couple of typos). Humankind verses machine is common enough in SF, but you got the humanity right and made me care about the man as a father and his wife as his lover and mate. That is the greater challenge.
Founders Day by XXX (MrBF1V3)
Oh, cool. I liked this story very much. It might be because it reminded me of another story I read long enough ago that I’ve lost the name, or maybe it was the Babylon 5 echoes I saw in it. Regardless, it is another great example of your excellent storytelling.
Rebirth of the Phoenix by Victoria A. Rogers (NickeeCoco)
This is a good story for the young adult market, I assume. I don’t read a lot in this genre (okay, none), so my more cynical mind had to accept certain limits in it. The imagery was fine (I did wonder, for a while about this line:
“She knew the tiny people were eating and drinking their fill, licking their sticky fingers and reveling in the heavily spiced cakes the queen provided.”
I caught myself asking if she was a breed of girl who was tall - or taller - looking at a town of “tiny people” or if it was merely a factor of how high above the town she was. Since you did not mention personal height as an issue, I read on assuming it was how high up she was. I was also curious to know how a girl would know by heart the Litany of Rebirth if she had paid no attention at all to the men and women up in the stone temple and just assumed they made the spring come by doing their duty.
Blinded by sight by James MacEachern (MrJims)
It’s too bad I was so troubled by the brutality. This is a poignant story of challenging perspective. It would be strange to have a fully realized change in so short a piece, so I’m really glad you didn’t. The narrator’s awareness that there is this possibility of enlightenment just outside grasping range is excellent.
Empty Space by Owen Jones (kater)
Wow. You can tell a huge tale in a really tiny space. Bravo. I only had “the shadows” as points to ponder, and even they seemed fittingly mysterious. My mind filled their stories in anyway, at first as spirits, then as people assigned to assist. At any rate, this is a completely plausible world where resource scarcity has resulted in population control and the need to send off people to fend for themselves if they have otherwise lived beyond the acceptable norm. The potlatch(ish) element was a great touch.
A Christmas Visitor by Nila E. White (tmso)
This is a delightful story. I think I liked it for its details. Fitting her adult butt into a child’s seat, and later the sound of removing it, gave me a smile. The alien gave me a bigger smile, and the resigned regurgitation of the tradition to yet another inquirer, made me laugh. I’m not bothered by what is likely and what is not in this. It’s just dang cute.
The Endurance of Snails by Pete Warner (Hoodwink)
This is one of my favourites from this contest. It might even be the favourite. It’s another piece of brilliant prose that is both moving and richly detailed. As usual, your imagery haunts me long after I’ve turned off my computer. I have no idea what a score of nine is in archery, but I hung in there after that first sentence with the guess it’s for an area close to the bull’s eye.
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