February 2010 Flash Fiction Voting Thread B

[NickeeCoco]

Welcome to the February 2010 Flash Fiction Contest Voting Thread B.

For those of you who’re just joining us, this month’s theme was Fantasy Clichés. The contestants had to choose their title from a random title generator and base their story on the title they received.

Rules of the Game

1. Read all the stories in Thread A, Thread B and Thread C.
2. Vote for up to three stories in total. (Between Thread A, Thread B and Thread C) You may not stack your votes.
3. Please take the time to provide a bit of feedback to each of the entrants. That’s the main reason they’ve entered.
4. Voting will take place until February 28th when the voting polls close.

The Entries

A Wizard of the Sorcery by Rich Matrunick/Sterling13

Abyss Above Elves by Michael Aaron/Zachariah

A King Above the Truth by Victoria A. Rogers/NickeeCoco

Prophecy Above Might by SallyC

Sword of Knowledge by Hereford Eye

A King Above Secrets by Mike Hazelwood/DaddyDarth

Princess Above Blood by Christopher Alen

[NickeeCoco]

Could a moderator find some kindness in their heart to sticky this thread, please? Thank you.

Oh, and peeps, I'm gonna be out of town this weekend. I leave in an hour. I'm off to Toronto to celebrate a friend's 30th birthday. Woot!

So, if there's any pressing concerns before monday please talk to Sterling13. There shouldn't be any problems, though. This contest is running the same way the last one did and the one before that.

Oh yeah, hope you don't mind, Sterling. Haha.

[Fung Koo]

As Nickee is away, is there a mod who can edit the URLs? Looks like there's a few characters in there that need to be clipped.

Cheers

[Hereford Eye]

A Wizard of the Sorcery, Rich Matrunik
You were given a nasty title, sir. What could it mean? It could mean what you have given us as story, a fight between evil and not-so-good-about-to-get-worse. You did pose for me a question: all those folk, those pedestrians: they did nothing? They watched and/or ran from the horror and not one chose to interfere. How very unlike reality. And the hero has an arsenal under his trenchcoat. Have you been watching Matrix again?
The evil is waiting in the church; so much for sanctuary. And, then, a bullet does the bad guy in. Not even a silver bullet; just a bullet. Was it a matter of word limit that caused the omission of the significance of Jacob’s Cross? The puppeteer? Without that, the boy is a mystery, a cardboard character. With it, he becomes important. But not important enough to affect events.
Given the title you got, I can appreciate the difficulty. But, I find myself unable to make the connection between story and title. But, then, I never claimed to be real bright.

Abyss Above Elves, Michael Aaron
Well done, sir. Lots of action; lots of character; lots of hints at lots of stuff. There is a novel in this waiting to burst its moorings. Definitely a contender.

A King Above the Truth, Victoria A. Rogers
Tolkienesque, yes? A tribute to the Fellowship that takes a decisively wicked turn. Well done, ma’am. I had trouble following the speakers a bit but that was probably inattention on my part. On the left stands Amon Lhaw and on the right Amon Hen. Love the imagery. But, allow me to point out one little glitch: In the first paragraph you suggest there is no bridge over the Chasm of Fire. But near the end, you have Hendor point out there is a bridge over the Chasm of Fire. It’s one of those quantuum things, right? Like Schrodinger’s Cat.

Prophecy Above Might, SallyC
Beautifully done! Everything required to tell the tale present and accounted for. No haste nor waste. Definitely a contender.

A King Above Secrets, Mike Hazelwood
Got to admire the time and words you took to describe the crow. You could have used those words at the finish. I come away confused – as maybe you intended – about what the Whisperer is up to. The king discovers the secrets and believes them. The kingdom must come to believe them because he retains the journal. The Whisperer takes the princess, the Lokine line, with him, To what purpose if not to make him one with that line? To end the Lokine line? What is his nefarious plan? I want more definition in the ending than is there. Rats!

Princess Above Blood, Christopher Alen F.
The plot is superb, an imaginative derivation from the title you were given. The execution somewhat disjointed. Little things and big confounded me. He was beset by enemies from without and within...including usurpation? Why the comma between his resolve and unbending?
Why did his army invade and why did it stop? If his purpose was to be a god and entertain pilgrims, then why terminate the army’s efforts? And why did he expect the pilgrims to arrive when nothing had been accomplished but building the tower?
Once past these little mysteries, then the explanation for the princess being where she was and the prince being where he was and the arrival and subsequent melee among the pilgrims was, once again, back on track. The winds of the towers and princess’ weeping, her turning of the tower, these are as fine a creation as you have ever done. Methinks the pressure of time and all your other distractions kept you from your best.

I conclude with six contenders and only three votes. It’s easy for me this time because three stories stand out in my mind. Thank you, Michael, Sally, and Carin. And thank to the rest of the contestants for giving me a fine two days of reading and thinking.

[NickeeCoco]

As Nickee is away, is there a mod who can edit the URLs? Looks like there's a few characters in there that need to be clipped.

Cheers

There are? I just copy and pasted from the stories themselves.

EDIT: /sigh I think it's 'cos I did them in Word before here and then the hyperlink stuff got all mixed in. I'll fix them, but I'm sorry, not tonight. I'm dead tired. Way too much wine, too little sleep and way too long of a drive home.

[NickeeCoco]

But, allow me to point out one little glitch: In the first paragraph you suggest there is no bridge over the Chasm of Fire. But near the end, you have Hendor point out there is a bridge over the Chasm of Fire. It’s one of those quantuum things, right? Like Schrodinger’s Cat.

The bridge hadn't been built at the time that the king's faces had been carved into Groanwind Pass. They were built later by a different king, Willion the Builder.

Cainwyr says: "You would think that the men who built these would have been able to build a bridge across the Chasm of Fire."


Hendor says later: "I mean, ever since Willion the Builder built that bridge over the Chasm of Fire, no one ever uses this pass anymore."

[Sterling13]

A Wizard of the Sorcery, Rich Matrunik
You were given a nasty title, sir. What could it mean? It could mean what you have given us as story, a fight between evil and not-so-good-about-to-get-worse. You did pose for me a question: all those folk, those pedestrians: they did nothing? They watched and/or ran from the horror and not one chose to interfere. How very unlike reality. And the hero has an arsenal under his trenchcoat. Have you been watching Matrix again?
The evil is waiting in the church; so much for sanctuary. And, then, a bullet does the bad guy in. Not even a silver bullet; just a bullet. Was it a matter of word limit that caused the omission of the significance of Jacob’s Cross? The puppeteer? Without that, the boy is a mystery, a cardboard character. With it, he becomes important. But not important enough to affect events.
Given the title you got, I can appreciate the difficulty. But, I find myself unable to make the connection between story and title. But, then, I never claimed to be real bright.

I'm going to semi-break my personal rule about not responding to feedback until the contest is over.

As to the boy and the cross and the title and the rest... gah, I wanted all of that in there, but just flat out ran out of room. I was at 1,600 words BEFORE I finished the church scene (and these are "rough draft" words... I tend to be a skeletal writer, so the finished word count would have easily been closer to 2,000-2,500). So... it was mostly the boy that got cut from the final version. But, quite unfortunetly, he was necessary to keep... because he was a central part of my (hidden) fantasy cliche.

Both you and my test reader (aka, my friend who I annoy with my stories) instantly saw the Matrix when they read it. That's interesting. I really had no intentions of going there. I was attempting to create a modern day wizard. Cloak = trench coat. Staff = shotgun. Perhaps I should have mentioned quite specifically that the trenchcoat wasn't black?

[txshusker]

Welcome to the February 2010 Flash Fiction Contest Voting Thread B.

A King Above Secrets by Mike Hazelwood/DaddyDarth

did anyone else have this link to SallyCs?

[Hereford Eye]

I used the link from the Stories Section.

[NickeeCoco]

did anyone else have this link to SallyCs?

I get SallyC's when I click on it.

[Daddy Darth]

WTF????

I went back to where I posted my link in the FF thread and it linked to my story in the Stories section.

Anyone looking for me can find me in the Stories section - just follow the esteemed example of HE.

[Sterling13]

Abyss Above Elves by Michael Aaron
‘If there was any force pulling him down, it was now too weak to feel.’ Reads strangely to me…

There’s not enough here to get a complete picture of what they’re trying to accomplish… but I’m not sure I care. I loved the setting, the dialogue… everything. I want more of this thing.

A nit – I realize you wanted to make sure you had all of the fantasy cliché characters present, but you could likely cut this down to 3 characters and everything about it would still work. Its just hard to cram that many characters into a flash piece.

Now, if this is just the start of a longer piece (which it seems to be)… that’s likely why all of them remained.

A contender.

A King Above the Truth by Victoria A. Rogers
I’m immediately picturing the two “kings of old” statues from Lord of the Rings.

I’m not sure what to think about this one. It’s good (solid writing, dialogue, etc)… and, to be honest, I can’t find anything wrong with it… but it just didn’t give me that “wow factor”. Not much of a review, I know, but that’s all I got.

It shall make my final list of contenders so I can contemplate this further…

Prophecy above Might by SallyC
Very cool. I love the fact that he continues to wait on the prophecy, and, because of that, the prophecy never occurs. He slowly drifts from cautious to completely sedentary. Well done.

A contender.

Sword of Knowledge by Dan Bieger
‘Alf Gand’ – I groaned. Likely what you were going for, though

I enjoyed this quirky little ride. It perhaps could have used a little more “setting” at the beginning, and perhaps 1-2 more questions asked to the sword at the end, but overall an amusing tale.

A contender.

A King Above Secrets by Mike Hazelwood
Something I mentioned in the Jan-Feb short story contest… and it may not bother most people, but you seem to like switching POVs mid scene. In the first paragraph, we take an omniscient POV (as we look at the wall… because, certainly the crow is not referring to himself as a ‘black smudge’), then move to the crow, then in the second paragraph move to the king.

‘…of fear and tyranny.”’ – You do not need a end quotation here, as the speaker in the next paragraph is still the king.

I love the imagery – from the castle walls in the beginning to the book to the whisperer. I really enjoy the dialogue. But there’s just not enough of an ending here. So close, but doesn’t quite make my final list.

Princess Above Blood by Christopher Alen
If you’re so evil, then why don’t you just…. EAT THIS KITTEN! (Sorry, the one part stirred up an old Tick reference…)

I absolutely tore through this story, pressing forward to what was next. I was so caught up in it… but, in the end… I didn’t fully get it. But I was so completely intrigued by this story that I read it again, and then a third time. I have the large pieces in place now, but I’d like a little more illumination.

A contender nonetheless… but I’m expecting a detailed explanation following the contest.


Dang... 4 more to join my list of 3 from thread A. Onto thread C...

[Fung Koo]

I have the large pieces in place now, but I’d like a little more illumination.

A contender nonetheless… but I’m expecting a detailed explanation following the contest.

Screw it, I'll do it now!

It's probably not as complex as you're imagining -- it's just supposed to be an origin myth for the Sun.

Also, I'd recommend that you try to read the whole story as a lot of phallic/sex references -- the whole "above blood" thing sorta skewed the ol' imagination

Who's down with OPP?

[Daddy Darth]

Thread B - My eternal Home. One of these days I swear I will finish a story quickly just so I can be on the A Thread. Yea Right. Again - I feel baked and am busy busy with work etc complain complain so my comments are gonna be kinda brief. No disrespect. As a whole great stories.

A Wizard of the Sorcery by Rich Matrunick
An excellent and engaging story. I was hooked from the beginning. Please write a follow up to this.

Abyss Above Elves by Michael Aaron
Elves in Space - now this is original - for sure. I dont know how you came up with this but your imagination doth run wild. Your story really just got going though and it was over. Does not feel complete enough for me.

A King Above the Truth by Victoria Rogers
For cranking out a truly flash piece of this caliber this month well done. I'm impressed with what you did with how little time you had. Some engaging dialogue b/w your characters. I'm with HE on this bridge thing though. I dont get it. Not even with your explanation. Sorry.

Prophecy Above Might by Sally C
Quite good quite good indeed. I like your look at how knowing prohecy can have consequences. Instead of trying to make something happen - he just sat back and waited for it. Nice job.

Sword of Knowledge by HE
I think this is my favourite of yours since I have been playing this little game. Well written and well told. I had my usual HE moment where I had to stop and review what you wer saying b/c there is always some logic argument knitted in there. I could have sworn old Alf Gand was going to outwit the young man and get his sword but he did not and I liked that very much.

A King Above Secrets by Me
Painful tale!!!

Princess Above Blood by Christopher Allen
Bravo - most creative and thought provoking in the bunch. I learned a new word today i.e. Penumbra. Nice creation type myth. Well done.

[Sterling13]

It's probably not as complex as you're imagining -- it's just supposed to be an origin myth for the Sun.

Ah - so apparently I didn't have it at all! Haha.

That's a good thing though... can't have my brain getting too uppity...



Looking at it now, it is clearly there:
'Straddling the Two Worlds: one side, cast always in Darkness; one side, always in Light. Forever, the horizon reshaped. A new finger risen, pointing to Haeven.'

So, that's "before time" (or before "rotation").

'And above the blood, the Princess paced and wailed. Round and round she walked until the Tower began to spin beneath her.

And so the duskside knew Dawn, and the dawnside Dusk.'

And there goes the world a-movin'...

My confusion lied in:
'Beyond the Penumbra he could not say, for it was but an unfathomable wall of empty, featureless light.'
So, the light already existed (formless as it was), which had me focusing on the doorway between worlds portion of the text. I figured "dark side" = hell, "light side" = heaven, and the tower = the bridge between, aka, earth. So I had an earth origin myth in my head.