February 2010 Flash Fiction Voting Thread B

[Fung Koo]

Now don't go splainin' away all the sex jokes.

[Daddy Darth]

Here is my list of finalists this month & long it seems.
MrBF for a quick homourous tale. Daily Rich b/c as ever he writes so well and tells such good stories - this being no exception. Carin Marias for good old fashioned great story that hooked me. Mr. Matrunick for a gripping tale that left me wanting more. Sally C for a thought provoking look at an old favourite. HE for a solid, modern story with a surpise ending. Chris Allen for a brilliant story and lastly Mr Banker for a sweet fairy tale.

This is going to be hard. Good job folks.

[Sterling13]

'...long and hard ...'

When I read it the first time, I was trying to figure out if that was on purpose or not...

I can see a few other obvious ones (the tower, etc)... but I'm wondering how many more of these are on purpose...

'His Sword, useless to him now.' - OMG, erectile dysfunction!

[Loerwyn]

A Wizard of the Sorcery -
Um.. I'm not really sure what to say really. It's a good read but I was left puzzled as to how it really sat with the theme or the title. It was well written, I'll give you that, but I think by cutting it down so much it lost some of its appeal. I would certainly give the "uncut" version a read

Abyss Above Elves -
I... Hmm, left a little unsure about the ship. By the sounds of it everything was moving up due to gravitational forces, so why would wind be a factor? Regardless, it was a good read that I think I would have enjoyed more if I knew anything about ships and/or how this particular one was laid out. The idea of a floating herd of sheep was quite funny, though!

A King Above The Truth -
Another light hearted tale with some very Tolkeinesque names (as I think was pointed out above too). Not really sure what to say about it, as there wasn't a lot to talk about (though that isn't a bad thing) and I think it played well to the title and the theme.

Prophecy Above Might -
Very cleverly written I felt, almost philosophical in nature. Will fate/destiny happen naturally or is it truly something we must fulfill? The character of Steen was, quite clearly, not the brightest bulb in the box despite his apparent abilities. Rebellion, if done with noble cause and by noble people, can bring about good and as such isn't always wicked. It was clear he knew what he was destined to fulfill, but he constantly seemed reluctant to do so. Good read, but I felt it could have been a little easier on the eyes if it was in paragraphs (not a complaint of the story, just a minor gripe with the presentation).

Sword of Knowledge -
I was instantly hit by the wealth of commas (something I feel I do myself) and slightly painful descriptions, for example "The much younger man also sported long hair, brown. A Van Dyke, red. No eyebrows.". I'll put my hands up and say I don't know what a Van Dyke is, by the way.
Aside from the "Sword of Knowledge" itself, I didn't really think of many clichés that applied to this story.

A King Above Secrets -
Ah yes, this was actually the first one I read but it was when it was posted so I've reread it.
I have to say I felt the use of the older English terms (Thee, Thine etc) seemed to come and go in waves and I'm not sure if this was intentional or not. The Whisperer seemed to be the sort of character who would draw their sentences out, use little contractions and to me the "She's mine." line didn't seem too fitting.
However, it's a good story and I could also see this one going on to greater length.

Princess Above Blood -
"nameless Great Mountain" is a bit of a contradiction, as the capitals (to me) denote it being a name.
But wow. That was quite a powerful story that seemed more like a legend than a modern tale. I can't really think of many bad things outside of nit-picking grammatical errors.

[bobnagga]

So I notice my story's not up here. Did I put it in the wrong spot or something? It's in stories subforum and the main page. ... oh, well. Next month. On to the voting!

[zachariah]

Yours is in Thread A.

[Daddy Darth]

Bob dude - you are in thread A me thinks!

[bobnagga]

Thread A? Where's that and how do I fix it? It might be too late for this one, but for future reference, you know.

Nevermind, I figured it out. Now I just have to find it.

[Daddy Darth]

Bob - you OK man?

[Loerwyn]

Thread A? Where's that and how do I fix it? It might be too late for this one, but for future reference, you know.

Nevermind, I figured it out. Now I just have to find it.

Clicketh Here!

[Sterling13]

So I notice my story's not up here. Did I put it in the wrong spot or something? It's in stories subforum and the main page. ... oh, well. Next month. On to the voting!

You did nothing wrong, bob. The polls on this site have a limit of 12 options. So, if we have more than 12 entrants, the voting poll is split up over a thread A and B (and sometimes C if we have a noob winner of the previous month )

[bobnagga]

What, It's my first time, be gentle! No, I got 'er figured out, though. Thanks, guys!

[bobnagga]

A Wizard of the Sorcery
A wizard with a shotgun and pistol. I like it.

Abbyss above Elves
Elves in space! It was a good read. I got no complaints and saw nothing wrong with it.

A King Above the Truth
Nothing happened. It seems like another of those that had a bunch of cliches mentioned in passing. It's another of those that needs more than 1200 words to make it work.

Prophecy above Might
Strangely apt. It seems a parallel with real life, too. Like That's what you get, F#%@er! I like it. Almost perfectly fitted to that word limit. Not too much, not too little.

Sword of Knowledge
Where can I get a sword like that? That's good, I like it. I wasn't sure where you were going with it until the end, but that's cool. It was a surprise, that's for sure, and it makes me laugh.

Princess above Blood
It was pretty good. Man, I can't get over how so many of these need MORE.

King above Secrets
It was good, The dialogue befitting royalty. Here's another example of that thing that needs more story to it. And perfectly cliched, too.

Again, no one take this too harshly. It's just that as I've said repeatedly, they need explanation and backstory that space just didn't allow for.

[venustar]

A Wizard of the Sorcery by Rich Matrunick/Sterling13
Engaging!
There were a couple of minor things I caught:

“Delicately he nudged John towards the hole with his foot, his blackened his skin sizzling with the contact.”

An extra “his” made me reread the sentence a few times to be sure I wasn’t reading it wrong.

“Cadadras rising gaze brought with it amusement, not horror.”

I’m sure there is supposed to be an apostrophe somewhere in there…

I like that, out of all of the stories I’ve read so far, this one is set in modern times. It is different, therefore it stands out.

Abyss Above Elves by Michael Aaron/Zachariah
Gadzooks, that’s a lot of characters for a flash piece! No matter, it worked for me. I loved your imagery and the underlying snarkiness in conversations between some of the characters.
I didn’t quite get the ending though. Maybe that’s just me. What did Elwen do, exactly?

A King Above the Truth by Victoria A. Rogers/NickeeCoco
Mighty fine writing, Miz Rogers. Your dialogue flows really well. I’m impressed that you were able to produce something that held as much weight as this did, given your 705 words. It felt like much more than that.
Nice dialogue, nice imagery, nice set-up, nice punch line. I have no complaints.

Prophecy Above Might by SallyC
Steen’s entitlement was his undoing, or so that is how I read it. I like that.
My only problem was with the one-word quasi paragraphs you have going. Not a big problem though. Overall, a good job!

Sword of Knowledge by Hereford Eye
I laughed out loud with this one.
I want to know what this Stone Library is. That could be intriguing.  And the Dewey reference was priceless. You lost me with the atomic number of Uranium, but then you won me back with Hitchhiker’s Guide.
Actually, your story kind of read like Sword in the Stone, rewritten by Douglas Adams. I dig it.

A King Above Secrets by Mike Hazelwood/DaddyDarth
Pretty, pretty words, spun bewitchingly. Once again, you have impressed me, DD.
You made me giggle though:

“Long it had lain locked away in his late wife’s trunk.”

Did you deliberately create a tongue twister? Heh.
There are a few things here and there; you missed a capitalization of Whisperer somewhere, and I think you called him just Whisper at some point… but none of that matters to me.

“Ornamentia’s crumpled tiara lay on the throne, gems scattered like lost stars across its seat.”

Beautiful. Well done!

Princess Above Blood by Christopher Alen
Whaaaa… <--that’s the sound I make when I’m bowled over by awesomeness. How did you DO that?
No nits for this one. Just utter astoundment. Wow.

[NickeeCoco]

You did nothing wrong, bob. The polls on this site have a limit of 12 options. So, if we have more than 12 entrants, the voting poll is split up over a thread A and B (and sometimes C if we have a noob winner of the previous month )

Oh shut up!