February 2010 Flash Fiction Voting Thread C

[NickeeCoco]

Welcome to the February 2010 Flash Fiction Contest Voting thread.

For those of you who’re just joining us, this month’s theme was Fantasy Clichés. The contestants had to choose their title from a random title generator and base their story on the title they received.

Rules of the Game

1. Read all the stories.
2. Vote for up to three stories. (Between all three threads) You may not stack your votes.
3. Please take the time to provide a bit of feedback to each of the entrants. That’s the main reason they’ve entered.
4. Voting will take place until February 28th when the voting polls close.

The Entries

The Princess and a Blood by Todd Banker/txshusker

[kater]

You know there's no poll attached to this thread, right?

[NickeeCoco]

Oh #$*(@&%!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So, if you want to vote of txshusker's story, please put the following in size five font and in bold:

My Vote

This way we all have no doubts as to whether or not this piece gets a vote.

Thank you.

[Sterling13]

The Princess and a Blood by Todd Banker

‘He named the towns and told stories of barons and kitchen oafs, merchants and serfs - he seemed to know everything about everyone.’ – It’s the prince! I’m not sure how early in the story you wanted the reader to guess at it, but here’s where I picked it up.

I found the first paragraph a bit… ‘heavy’… but the rest of the story moved along very well. I especially enjoyed the attendants chiming in.

It’s a very well done story, but just not my cup-o-tea.

[Loerwyn]

Thought I'd actually skip over to this one before going to B (this is the quickest topic to evaluate :P ).

The Princess and a Blood
Well, I have to say it's put a smile on my face. As much as I enjoy darker stories, I'm a sucker for the odd romantic story. The end was something I possibly saw coming maybe half way in but I wasn't sure, but when it happened it was a pleasant surprise. The way you wrote it was very subtle! I've got no real problems with the story at all, except that I felt that from when the near start that the coachman wasn't all he seemed. After all, that's not how one properly addresses royalty. I think.
Great story, and it's a contender!

My Vote

[Daddy Darth]

The Princess and a Blood by Todd Banker
What a nice fairy tale you have crafted here. I quite liked it and you made my job really hard now b/c I got like 8 to choose from for votes now.

[txshusker]

thanks so far. and the vote Dwagginz.

I know I telegraphed the ending pretty early, but I wasn't too worried about that in this particular story... I was writing a cliche after all, and I didn't feel the need to veer. For me it was more about the writing and journey than the coming up with a surprise conclusion.

Does it seem a little sparse to anyone? I cut it down to the bare elements to move the action along and keep it under the word max

but some of the internal fun and all the external descriptions were lost during editing.

(it's kind of nice having my "own" thread).

[Loerwyn]

You're welcome, txshusker, and thank you for putting a smile on my face with your story.

In response to your question, I don't think it was sparse. In stories like that (especially when restricted by length), you've got to really keep it to the basics. If it was a longer story then you could have maybe played it out a little more but otherwise it was fine.

[venustar]

The Princess and a Blood by Todd Banker/txshusker
When I picked up on the truth of the coachman (when you spoke of him limping), I was slightly disappointed. However, when Amelia goes on to punch him in the face, all was forgiven.
All in all, I truly enjoyed this piece. It was sweet, and the dialogue was fantastic. Great job!

[DailyRich]

Yes it's predictable, but that lovely coda saves it.

[SallyC]

The Princess and a Blood by Todd Banker/txshusker
Beautifully told: even though I think you signalled the true identity of the coachman far too early, I'm prepared to overlook that on the strength of the punchline. Thus, you get

MY VOTE

[txshusker]

Judging by the replies about the predictability, you guys won't like the longer version that contains another 3-4 hammer hints before the unveiling. My intent was to forecast it so that the reader knew what was going on but Amelia was oblivious, so lost in her own worries. I wrote it for my daughter - whom I hope will eventually read it - to enjoy. I think it's enjoyable for kids to read that - wondering when the obliviate will see the truth and also anticipate the revelation. In the long version, if the reader can't get it in the first half of the story, they're probably sub twelve.... I think it's also a pretty cliche'd methodology in a lot of the romantic plot points in the genre. So for me, instead of the Agatha Christie-esque reveal from nowhere, it's the journey and the way things become known that I meant to focus on in the story.

Nevertheless, it doesn't work for everyone, and I get that, too.

As always, thanks again for the feedback everyone. (I hope to get mine on everyone this weekend, but I'm lacking time on re-reading and critiquing everything at the moment).

[MrBF1V3]

MY VOTE

Sorry, not all the controls work for my old computer. Comments to come.

B5

[MrBF1V3]

Okay, I promised a comment. Sorry it couldn't be longer. The only thing that gave away the surprise was the coachman walking with a limp, otherwise it was just about perfect.

B5