Chapter 1 – The Incident
1st Page [don't need to tell us it's the first page, that would be more or less apparent]
Rain thrashes down onto the hull of a cargo ship named Concordia. Stormy weather pushes her bow from side to side. On the bridge[comma]
a nervous Captain Raymell stands, his hands tightly grasping the helm, and his eyes beaming [really? beaming? does he have the ability to shine light from his eyeballs?]
into the dead of night.
“Are we on course!” he says to an officer as a huge wave hits the bow and forces the ship to the left.
“I can’t get a GPS fix on our position, the radar is down and all communications are dead[comma]
sir. It must be the weather.” t
he officer replies as Captain Raymell battles with the helm to keep the ship on course.
[GPS uses satelites. Do you mean the GPS can get a fix on the satellites AND the radar is down? Not sure how to make that clearer, and maybe it is just me, so ignore this comment if no one else mentions it.]
“Looks like where [we're, for we are]
going to have to ride out the storm.” Raymell says as a sudden flash of blue light fills the bridge.
“What’s that?” h
e continues squinting his eyes and looking out to sea. [This text is not a dialogue tag. You are writing it as such (same with the above), but this is narration or prose that should be separate from the dialog. Treat only words like 'said' and 'asked' as dialog tags.]
Another flash of blue light fills the sky.
“It looks like there’s a lighting storm out there sir!” another officer replies.
“That’s no storm.” Raymell says[comma]
as a third this time steadier beam of light grows. [What? I'm not sure what you mean by 'third this time steadier'.]
Ahead of the Concordia[comma]
Raymell could see ripples of blue light emanating from a large spinning sphere hovering above the sea. Battling with the helm yet again[comma]
Raymell tries to force the ship to the right but the countless bombardment of waves forces the Concordia further to the left and ever closer to the sphere. A loud alarm sounds[comma]
filling the bridge with an overwhelming screech.
“The proximity alarm sir!” a
n officer shouts as the front of the ship entered the outlining blue ripples of the sphere. The Concordia begins to shake violently and objects start to fly through the air as continuous flashes of blue light penetrate the bridge. Captain Raymell begins to feel the ship jerk forward[comma]
violently speeding up every second towards the spinning sphere. A sudden flash of this time white light[what?]
fills the bridge and a loud whirring sound increasing in pitch deafens the bridge crew.