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March 6th, 2012, 12:33 AM #1
- Join Date
- Mar 2010
Outcast - looking for some critique
I've been working on this book concept for about 7 years now. It began with a short story in 2005 in a creative writing class and developed from there. In 2010-11 I wrote a 80k word novel (my first novel) which had a good response but was ultimately not good enough for publishing. This year (2012) I am completing my masters in creative writing and I am trying to use what I've learned to completely re-craft the story and the world from the ground up. This thread is my ongoing work on this book concept.
First book of a trilogy
Tension between the Kaizer and the Orders, the representatives of the gods, has reached crisis point. Kaizer Frederik III has put forth an ultimatum, return all lands and wealth to its rightful owner, the Deutz Empire, or face the consequences…
The Order of Alleman, and Godhart, awaits the arrival of a small child. Bound by an ancient oath, the child is to be escorted to Sanctuary, a place for her kind in the frozen north, but with the Deutz Empire on the brink of rebellion the Kaizer has no interest in the ancient oaths and duties of the Orders.
When power rests in the hands of a few a single word can bring great good or terrible destruction, a curse of power, a malediction.
Originally Posted by old
Last edited by Princeroth; October 2nd, 2012 at 07:21 AM.
March 6th, 2012, 02:30 AM #2
There's a Clint Eastwood or Charles Bronson 70s flick in this somehow. I think what you need is more about the world that this is taking place in, and why this girl is so important.
March 6th, 2012, 04:06 AM #3
I think the story could be very interesting, but that blurb is not selling it for me in the slightest. Look at the important words you're using: Old, weary, peace, rest, final resting place...The imagery conjured up is of an old folk's home and a very uneventful book.
Not saying you have to go all "ZAP POW SEXY!" but I'm pretty sure you'd only find a very niche audience with that description.
Phew - Bet you noticed that! I'm doing that for my blurb.
March 6th, 2012, 01:23 PM #4
- Join Date
- Nov 2011
If I would get a dollar for every healthy 20-30 year old straight male/female main character...
So I disagree. Don't sell a book on something that it isn't. If the main character is very old, be honest about that. If you try to reel in people with a different hook you are only going to see them put the book down when your promise proves hollow.
I wouldn't be put off in the least. I think an old main character provides a unique approach and already opens a lot of interesting questions. How would an old man manage such a physically demanding journey?
It already seems like a much grander adventure because the journey is much harder on the main char.
March 6th, 2012, 02:55 PM #5
I'd be glad to read a story with an 'old' MC (I loved Cohen the Barbarian). And I'm sure this is an eventful, action-packed story just like it should be. But the wording lulled me to sleep with its vocabulary of repose.
Kerry - 'drug'? Uuuurgh not even acceptable as an Americanism (unless you're going for dialect dialogue). Dragged!
March 7th, 2012, 08:33 AM #6
March 7th, 2012, 10:02 AM #7
- Join Date
- Mar 2010
Thanks for the feedback. Let me try again.
The Deutz Empire is beset on all sides. From the north barbarians rally to war, along the western sea the alien Lunaii raid the coast for slaves, in the south the enigmatic Soldii isolate themselves, and in the eastern mountains ancient creatures lay dormant. The capital Altstadt is on the brink of civil war as the treasury dwindles. Suspecting treason from the wealthy cults the Emperor orders a purge and sacking. Amidst the turmoil Godhart Leland, a templar of Alleman, is called to the patriarch and is presented with a girl who is labeled an abomination by the Soldii. Tasked with her safekeeping and with the title of successor to the cult of Alleman, Godhart is sent north with the most accomplished templars and the last relics of the cult.
March 6th, 2012, 12:31 PM #8
All Godhart Leland wanted was a respectable place to die. His was a simple enough quest until he is saddled with an alien girl considered an abomination among her own kind. Caught up in a conflict not of his choosing, drug into leading a church he didn't believe in, Godhart's final days are neither what he envisioned nor what two worlds had planned for.