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    Outcast - looking for some critique

    I've been working on this book concept for about 7 years now. It began with a short story in 2005 in a creative writing class and developed from there. In 2010-11 I wrote a 80k word novel (my first novel) which had a good response but was ultimately not good enough for publishing. This year (2012) I am completing my masters in creative writing and I am trying to use what I've learned to completely re-craft the story and the world from the ground up. This thread is my ongoing work on this book concept.



    First book of a trilogy

    Tension between the Kaizer and the Orders, the representatives of the gods, has reached crisis point. Kaizer Frederik III has put forth an ultimatum, return all lands and wealth to its rightful owner, the Deutz Empire, or face the consequences…

    The Order of Alleman, and Godhart, awaits the arrival of a small child. Bound by an ancient oath, the child is to be escorted to Sanctuary, a place for her kind in the frozen north, but with the Deutz Empire on the brink of rebellion the Kaizer has no interest in the ancient oaths and duties of the Orders.

    When power rests in the hands of a few a single word can bring great good or terrible destruction, a curse of power, a malediction.

    Quote Originally Posted by old

    Book 1 of The Exiled Triumvirate

    Forsaken; Lynian is abominati, a taboo union of two species. Taken from the floating cities of the Soldii she is sent to the monastic Order of Allemann and put in the care of Godhart Leland, a venerated templar. But Godhart has problems of his own, chosen as successor of the Order and the target of a political plot; he needs to survive long enough to make it north to Sanctuary with his charge.

    Abandoned; after being orphaned Hensel is taken in by the Order and dreams of becoming a scribe, but after a series of unfortunate events he finds himself far from home in a foreign land. Discovered by Malik, a sahr of the Eranshar with a checkered past, he is offered a chance to fulfill his thirst for knowledge, but only if he can overcome the curse that threatens to erase his existence.

    Rejected; Felix is the heir to a powerful family. Between his oppressive father, a plot to remove him from the line of succession, and Ravus, the assassin hired to protect him, he struggles against family, friends, and a life with little choice.

    This is the tale of the triumvirate; three children born to a world of malicious politics, dogmatic cultures, and tragic pasts. When magic meets the renaissance and people are just a means to an end, there is little room for compromise.

    Quote Originally Posted by old
    I won't start another thread.

    Anyway, I've gone away, and thought about what everyone had said. Then I did some more thinking, wrote a few chapters, and came up with a new idea for a blurb.

    Still the same story. Just a new blurb.

    Critiques most welcome.


    Book 1 of The Exiled Triumvirate

    Three children born,
    To a world that does not want them,
    Three relics torn,
    From the gods that cannot find them,
    Three sages sworn,
    To guide and in the chaos bind them.

    When the Kingdom of Euraxis threatened to enslave the world, the old gods gifted three relics to tribes of Erd to restore the balance of power. Bound by oath the tribes promised to return the relics after they had destroyed the armies of Euraxis, but corrupted by power and greed the tribes of Erd broke their oath and turned on each other. In the chaos of war the relics were lost and a fragile peace ensued… until now.

    Five millennia later the Kingdom of Euraxis has risen again. The people of Erd have forgotten the old gods and worship a new magic called science. The relics, all but forgotten, lay dormant waiting to be found and by chance, make their way into the hands of three young children. With the world of Erd on the brink of war, the children begin their own journeys to fulfill the oath of their ancestors.

    Quote Originally Posted by old
    A little background. I've been lurking and posting around for a few years now and finished a 80k word fantasy novel last year. I sent it to some publishers who said the work was good, but not good enough to publish. Embolden by my failure I signed up for a masters degree in creative writing which I will complete in a few months.

    Looking back on my work now I feel it was a great experience and really built a foundation for the world I wanted to create. What I want to do now is go back and rewrite the book so that it is better than my first attempt and also more commercially viable.

    I have come up with a short blurb which I would like some critique on. The most important questions I want answered are:
    1. Does it sound interesting?
    2. If you read it on a website (like amazon) or on the back cover of a book would you read a sample chapter or flick through the book?
    3. Does it sound original? Does the story bear resemblance to something that has been published before or is currently popular? (I do read fantasy, I am just not as widely read as some and would like to know if I have blatantly ripped off any author subconsciously)

    Thank you in advance

    (Working title)



    Godhart Leland is dying. Old, weary, and afflicted by illness he wants to live out the final years of his life in peace, but it is not an age which lets old men rest. Charged with the protection of a young girl labeled an abomination by her people, the alien Soldii, and given the mantle of leadership of the church of Alleman, Godhart travels north on a sacred pilgrimage to find his final resting place.
    Last edited by Princeroth; October 2nd, 2012 at 07:21 AM.

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