Quote Originally Posted by Noumenon View Post
Germanic fantasy, is it? I would start by rephrasing the first paragraph to something like:

Tension between the representatives of gods and men has reached crisis point. Kaizer Frederik III has put forth an ultimatum: return all lands and wealth to its rightful owner, his Deutz Empire, or face the consequences.

Pretty similar to what you had, but a little tighter to read. The important thing is that it establishes a core aspect of the conflict to come, while characterising KF3 as a despot.

Then, assuming that the casual reader has no prior knowledge of the story world (like me), I would use the second paragraph to introduce the godly adversaries. Perhaps you could say something like:

The various orders of the gods, pledged to blah blah blah, are forced to defy Frederik's command and blah blah blah if they are to fulfill their ancient responsibilities.

This establishes a general opposition to the forces of evil (and where each blah represents as close to ONE word as possible). I really can't say anything precise though, because reading what you wrote I have almost no idea what to make of it. It suffers from too much that's specific but unclear - Godhart is just a label to me, there is "an oath" regarding what, and saying of the child "her kind" only raises infinite questions. You ought to tantalise us with a more manageable number, and the way to do that is better establish the overall nature of the world before you get down to the meaningful details.

Finally, to me your third paragraph is basically not about story at all but amounts to an explanation of your title. I would ditch it and turn the wordcount more towards the story. So, as suggested above, you could springboard from the description of general opposition and focus down to some specifics:

Godhart, leader of the Order of Alleman, must etc etc...

Now Godhart is defined in a way the random punter can understand, and KF3's opposition is shown on a personal level.

If you want to make reference to a malediction, say how it will appear in the plot. Keep it negative for the threat: When power rests with one man, one word can destroy, or something similar - a good punchy line is a nice way to end the blurb, but spelling out for us Exactly How It Relates To The Title Of This Story wastes valuable words.
Thank you for your critique. It was very helpful.

The major player in my universe is a Germanic Empire based on the Holy Roman Empire (during the 2nd crusade), Renaissance France, and early pre-industrial Prussia/Germany.

I've taken your advice and tried to tighten it up as much as possible, and I was able to get it under a 100 words, but I still feel like something is missing.

Malediction

Tension between the representatives of the gods and men has reached crisis point. Kaizer Frederik III has put forth an ultimatum to the Orders: return all lands and wealth to its rightful owner, his Deutz Empire, or face the consequences.

The ancient Order of Alleman, answerable only to the god of wisdom, has ignored the Kaizer’s command and awaits his response. Far removed from politics, Godhart, a templar of Alleman, awaits the arrival of a small child. Bound by an oath to the alien Soldii, refugees from red moon, he prepares to escort the child to Sanctuary.