Am I doing something wrong? (Query help, again)

[KatG]

Okay that works basically, I think. Steamships, yay! So you've got yourself a steampunk fantasy -- that's something that wasn't really clear in the first go round except for the brief mention of guns. (Understand, "steampunk" has now become a very broad market sub-category, rather than just the literary movement. It's solidly popular and gives agents a handle for marketing. You don't have to be a super steampunky book to have that handle.)

I would suggest combining the last two sentences of the first paragraph, as the sentence fragment there might not work on its own. In the third paragraph, you might want to make it clear that Adrian goes with the Legionnaires to go to the Source. And the last bit, you might want to reinstate "her lingering magic sent to him" or something like that so that it is clear that she is not alive somewhere, sending him dream visions.

How do you feel about it? Do you feel more comfortable about it? Does it get across what you want to say about the book? Probably good if you can get some others to weigh in as to whether they are now more bored from this version or more interested.

[pennywise86]

I definitely think in this one we get a complete handle of what the story is about, and you found a way to explain the world, as well, without just stating it outright.

So how do you think I should label it? Leave it as YA/Fantasy or YA/Steampunk or something of the sort?

[KatG]

I think the steampunk elements are pretty clear in the description now and this isn't a die-hard steampunk thriller, it's a war/adventure tale, so I don't think you need to call it steampunk officially. YA fantasy would probably be fine. The YA is the key thing, as in the YA market, the sub-categories are not particularly important as long as they have variety.

[pennywise86]

awesome, thanks so much for you help Kat! Time to start second round of querying!

[KatG]

Well good luck with it; I hope the response is stronger.