Comparison if you would?

[HellsGuardian]

Hey guys, it's been a while, life's got in the way of writing but recently I reviewed what I'd already written and decided to do another rewrite. I was wondering if you guys, gals and enigma's would do me a little favour and compare my old and new prologue chapters?

Things I'm looking for primarily is flow, ease of reading, understandability, characterisation and punctuation. There might be a few mistakes that I've overlooked in each and it would be much appreciated if you could also give pros and cons of each.

Aaaaaanyway.

Old:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...LYSgTJct4/edit

New:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...CjcsmpXKY/edit

Cheers guys, the more response I get the better I can forge this beast.

[JimF]

I just downloaded them, but I'm not online often so I may not have a response for a few days.

[kmtolan]

As a prologue, this reads more like a first chapter. A prologue for me is usually taken from a viewpoint that adds something to a further story and in itself is usually distanced in time and/or location to allow the reader a viewpoint that won't be available during the story itself yet supports it.

If this was to be a prologue, I would shorten the chase, with the idea that the main story takes place well after the capture (or from another person's POV).

That said, you are challenged by a problem with commas and when to use (or not use) them. The following is typical for an example of a missed comma:

Moving fast and as quiet as she could she moved in the opposite direction of the noises.

And here is an example of where you could have done better without one (two sentences called for)

The enforcer wasn’t so lucky, he’d been pinned by the rebar through his chest...

I would also provide poor Heather with a physical description and introduce her name up front. Is getting her finger chopped necessary to the coming story? That can put off some readers seeking to identify with her.

If your first chapter starts off with her waking up after being drugged, then this is not a prologue in any sense - it's a first chapter. Some folks feel that they have to have a prologue when in most cases writer's have no need for one. Tell-tale signs? Your first chapter opens with the same character just after the prologue event. The prologue event is not an event that the main character is unaware of - nor is it distanced in time (an old memory).

Only one of my books has a prologue because it was a great way to recap the first book (this was a series) without plodding the reader through an entire synopsis. It was from a completely different POV than the main character. It happened well before the story started. The event, however, gives revealing background information to support the coming story even though the main character was completely unaware of what happened. That is the kind of heavy lifting a prologue is good for. What a prologue is not good for is "starting" the story. That's what first chapters do.

Kerry

[HellsGuardian]

Cheers kmtolan! And I look forward to it JimF.
The main story is set approx ~6 months later in the depths of winter, the inclusion of a description of Heather in actions sounds like a good idea. (I generally give minimal but specific descriptions) There is four main POV characters including Heather but it's made clear in preceding chapters that a lot of time has passed.
Normally descriptions from other perspectives are short and general, picking out key points unless the character is examining another etc. I like to let people form their own image, but with key guiding features.
The finger thing comes up later on, but I won't spoil