Future Forecasting Fun

[Fung Koo]

So I was trawling the news this morning and found this list, A radical pessimist's guide to the next 10 years, from Canadian po-mo superstar author Douglas Coupland:
http://www.theglobeandmail.com/news/...rticle1321040/

Some are good for a chuckle. Then I got to thinking... let's have a list writing challenge!

If we make the title of the article a formula >> A xxxxxxxxxxx's guide to the next 10 years << and replace xxxxxxxx with some combination of entertaining adjective and noun, we could come up with a variety of intriguing results. Such as:

A 19th century debutante's guide...
A flamboyant sheepherder's guide...
A raging feminist's guide...
A matriarchal ultra-conservative neo-marxist's guide...
A trekker's guide...

The possibilities are endless!

Let's aim for a Top-5-to-Top-10 list.

I'll start:

A cantankerous old man's guide to the next ten years

1. Skinny jeans will get tighter and tighter, turning the once shapely young women of my youth into evermore square-assed boys with bug eyes, and boys will lose the ability to reproduce altogether, having squashed their nards up into lagrangian, ovarian voids in their abdomens.
2. Contrary to every prediction about those damned cell phones made in the 1990s, cell phones will only get bigger, eventually reverting to their original suitcase size. Businessmen will rejoice, finally again having an excuse to carry fabulous, but useless, briefcase-like accessories to create the appearance of having "work" to do.
3. Richard Branson will succeed in destinationizing the moon, turning it into a place for grungy hipsters to go on life affirming tours of "The New Outback... Way, Way Outback" and get drunk with each other whilst learning how to didgeridoo-nothing at all, buying trinkets that only other hipsters buy, and understanding nothing about culture.
4. After lengthy Parliamentary debate and scandals, the most important issue of international concern of all time -- the prank call -- will finally be made illegal, resulting in the immediate cancellation of The Simpsons, at long last. Despite this fact, the hardworking Monarchy will continue to fill tabloid pages throughout the former British Empire, reassuring us that all is as it should be with the world.
5. State mandated health care will become the norm, finally, successfully, happily ensuring that there are more 65 year olds in the world than overactive, morally corrupt 5 year olds, just as a should be. And to boot, health care will ensure we always have a debilitating illness and a treatment plan to talk about. (http://natmonitor.com/2012/12/15/stu...not-healthier/)

[Noumenon]

A Narcoleptic Super-Optimist's
Guide to the Next Ten Years

Oh wow, there's going to be so much great stuff going on, I simply can't wait! Here we go!

1) Cars that run on water and sunshine! I know, I know, we're already halfway there, but these new cars are going to be, like, super-excellent at not making the world a stinky old place!

2) A big part of that, maybe the biggest, is going to be when we totally reverse global warming! There's going to be enough food for everyone, and all the animals will be fine, ah, man, thank goodness!

3) The world economy is going to be fixed too. Greece can go back to being just a nice place to visit instead of a bit of a riot-spot, Germany can stop shoring up the rest of Europe, and wfgaop jhgagaswerdgbvvvvvv..,vbbvvvvvvvvvvbbbbbbb

4) Whoa, excuse me! Anyway, there's also going to be a Proof of God or Proof of Not God coming, and about time, because -

5) THAT means Palestine and Israel will finally bury the hatchet! All those places that aren't friendly with each other over religion will be able to be friends again, because we'll definitely know for sure, one way or the other!

6) Contact with alien life - to be honest, I'm not absolutely sure about this one, but wouldn't it be cool?sgf gwerawerd,./,fgasdfbgasd

7) Cure for Narcolepsy. Yeah, if someone found a cure for narcolepsy I'd be so gratefeghqerhw#ZD BNgpn b./affbm

[Fung Koo]

heheheh

[Noumenon]

What? What's funny?

What time is it?

[Noumenon]

Just to try and provoke some interest, hope it's not to political/bigoted:

An American Religious Conservative's
Guide to the Next Ten Years.

1. Pray, and criminalise non-hetero marriage.
2. Pray, and abolish abortion clinics.
3. Pray, and reduce taxes.
4. Vote Republican. And Pray.
5. Pray, and establish ID in classroom science.
6. Pray, and finally wall-off Mexico.
7. Pray, and establish heat-seeking weaponry as "hunting equipment".
8. Vote Republican.
9. Etc.

[tmso]

I would try, but I am so un-inventive in this regard. (Oh, okay, in all regards!)

But I am enjoying your all's take. Keep 'em coming! :-)

With that said, please do try not to keep it civil.

[Hereford Eye]

An Alarmist's View
of the Next Ten Years

1. The USA will devolve into three countries: The Pacific Blue Happening States; The Atlantic Blues States; and The Central Red Heaven States. This will cause the United Nations to re-locate to a more hospitable location, e.g., Italy, Monaco, or Dubai. It will also cause Canada and Mexico to build walls on their borders.
2. There will be one Corporation operating world-wide under the motto: One for All but None for Almost Everyone Else.
3. Anything Consumable will be legalized; Addicts will be supported with their drug-of-choice; located with like-minded individuals; and then ignored but will be issued assault weapons.
4. The only supported infrastructure will be in gated communities.
5. All the women of the world will join together in a gated community where they can protect themselves from all the men in the world.
6. The organized religions of the world will merge into one world-wide faith operated by a consortium based on the principle of one god, four demigods, and a half dozen demigoddesses. able to pool its resources to form a competitor for the One Corporation. In twenty years, these two will merge into a single organization headed by a Popatollah. Membership will be voluntary; non-members must all go to hell.
7. Except for military purposes, all transportation will resort to 18th century modes. The world-wide-media will run continuing series on the problems of waste removal and stench control. The French perfume makers will be only growth industry.
8. Space exploration will cease; Universities will re-write the astronomy books to bring science into accord with reality, a whole mythology will emerge based on The Right Stuff.
9. The Me Generation will be despairing for the morals and behavior of the Post-Millenial generation.

[tmso]

6. The organized religions of the world will merge into one world-wide faith operated by a consortium based on the principle of one god, four demigods, and a half dozen demigoddesses. able to pool its resources to form a competitor for the One Corporation. In twenty years, these two will merge into a single organization headed by a Popatollah. Membership will be voluntary; non-members must all go to hell.

Wait, aren't we already in hell?

[Noumenon]

5. All the women of the world will join together in a gated community where they can protect themselves from all the men in the world.

And, judging by my historical access to women, this one...

[carljroberts]

A Detached-From Reality Man's view of The Next 10 Years through Plasma Bars.

1. While people were once willing to give up one-third of their day to doing lots of work for one person, they have now become well-adjusted to the idea of giving up one-half. The idea of providing a little work for a lot of people has been wiped from all existence.

2. In an effort to bring education on par with economic output, standards in classes have been lowered somewhere between the interest rate of the Federal Reserve and the nation's GDP.

3. Roe v. Wade is overturned on the grounds that a Mom-and-Pop shop can grow into a full corporation by going public, and can therefore be considered a person.

4. China surpasses America as the #1 country where people buy things they don't need with money they don't have.

5. In an effort to avoid offending "sex workers," Chap Stick has been renamed to "Irregular Lip Blemish Applicator." It has also been recolored from the usual pink, lost all flavor specifics, thereby becoming completely neutral and tasteless. In somewhat related news, there's a massive resurgence of herpes.

6. Lindsay Lohan turns 29, six times. She ends the decade as 28.

7. Vanity has grown to such extremes that people are no longer excited to see Monster Trucks.

8. Butterfly blood is found to cure cancer.

9. Because pole-dancing pays better than engineering degrees, colleges now give scholarships to champions of tether-ball.

10. Six of the seven seals have been found, with the final said to be stuck to the bottom of someone's shoe.

[tmso]

8. Butterfly blood is found to cure cancer.

(gasp!) Poor butterflies... :-( We'll wipe them out.

[CMTheAuthor]

A Borderline Insane Dude's Ten Predictions For The Next Ten Years

1) A run on inflation of the U.S. dollar will cause prices to soar to ridiculous levels. On the other hand, no one will ever run out of toilet paper ever again.

2) The aliens will show up, demanding a favorable trade deal for the majority of the world's cheese.

3) Cthuhlu rises and apologizes for causing the Bermuda Triangle.

4) We will genetically engineer centaurs and use them for all manual labor.

5) In the future- <bzzzzzzz> HELLO? CAN YOU HEAR ME? I DON'T HAVE MUCH TIME. THEY ARE COMING. IF THEY ARE NOT STOPPED, THEY WILL- <bzzzzzzzz> -and give everyone a pony.

6) Grey goo will engulf the world, then recreate it as a giant museum.

7) Time travel is discovered and it's revealed that humanity did not evolve from anything. We are our own precursors.

8) The legal status of human rights will be modified based on whether you have an Internet connection or not.

9) Scientists will be astonished to discover that squirrels are more intelligent than us, and have secretly been running our society.

10) David Letterman dies a happy man, glad that so many people took inspiration from him in making Top Ten lists.

[tmso]

8) The legal status of human rights will be modified based on whether you have an Internet connection or not.

OMGonads, that's already true! (eek!)

[MrBF1V3]

Here's my take:

The Conspiracy Theorists Guide to the Next Ten Years

1: The Earth will suffer a near collision with a rogue planet. The only survivors will be the Aborigines of Australia, the American Indians and an obscure suburb of Baltimore. The rich and powerful, who conspired to hide the information about the Earth's impending doom from the general population, presumably survived as well, however, since the entrance to their secret underground bunker near the Swiss Alps was covered by magma, they would have done well to bring a shovel with them along with their gold, their tailored suits and their influential friends. This event will occur on Feb 12th due to an inaccuracy in the Mayan calendar.

In the meantime...

2: In the United States it will be found that the President, Congress and in fact much of Washington D.C. Has been functioning under the influence of a secret alien mind control device since the Eisenhower administration. The device has been malfunctioning for the last eighteen years. The aliens will apologize for any inconvenience this might have caused.

Oddly enough, these same devices have been malfunctioning at different places around the world.

3: Descendents of the dinosaurs, who once had a thriving and technologically superior civilization on this planet before they deserted it preceding a cataclysmic asteroid strike in the area we now call the gulf of Mexico, but which signs of said civilization have disappeared due to their use of sustainable and/or biodegradable materials, will arrive back on Earth after extensive negotiations with former president Kennedy and Elvis. It should be noted that the former president has a long list of people whom he would rather have had with him at the negotiating table.

The descendents of the dinosaurs will want their planet back. However, due to inaccuracies in the calendar which they created and the Mayans copied, they will arrive three weeks early.

4: Nazis, who have lived on the dark side of the Moon since the 1940s, will manage to guide the Moon back into its place in Earth orbit after it was dislodged by a rogue planet. This causes some confusion as it will be juxtapositioned with an orbital array of 343,008 LED screens upon which NASA is projecting an image of the Moon in order to keep the general population from knowing about the rogue planet which they believed would impact the Earth on Dec. 21st.

There will be a general panic among the population when they see two Moons in the sky. It is interpreted as a sign of the end of the world, or that the next Bob Marley has been born. There are the obligatory riots, exoduses from cities, and letters to the editor.

Silly population.

(I could do this for hours.)

B5