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  1. #1
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    Lost Fingers of Sins ( French Author)

    Ok, I'm a french author, so this will explain my poor English, but I read a loot English's book, Here I submit a TXT coming from french, so I hope it's ok, please correct me, I'm here to progress, of course
    This Novel receive a Hard welcoming in French, let's see what you Think about :

    Lost Fingers of Sins.

    He was there at the top of a skyscraper. The shirt dishevelled and covered with blood. Dumbfounded by the horrifying show. He had no more than three fingers on ten.
    He remembered vaguely that his name was John Dee.
    Behind him, an enormous dog, which had more similarities with a wild boar than with a member the family of canines, he observed with attention and silence.
    It was nevertheless the last time when we had granted to John Dee, to leave hell, for the kingdom of the mortal. As a last chance awarded for its redemption.

    The first finger, the dark dog tore away,extractedto him, was when tired of the life, John had dived into the world of luxury and prostitution.
    While his best friend had left with his wife, another finger fell, devoured by this immaterial mass that was this somber dog, while it had been eaten away by Anger and another finger for the profound Jealousy which caught him and nibbled him from the inside.
    The next days, he did not have been able to refrain from drinking, bottles of alcohol on bottles of alcohol in a propensity of Greed, what cost him another finger.
    Probably that its pride had been affected.
    Down from this skyscraper, John Dee could see all the city illuminated by his night-finery.
    How to have been so miserable, in miserliness
    He made a step forward.
    Diving into the space...

    End of the story

    http://fr.calameo.com/read/0037328956a3cdee96d01

    Please tell me what you think about; Regards

  2. #2
    It could be worse. ~tmso Moderator N. E. White's Avatar
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    Hello Rhodan and welcome to the forum! I'm glad you chose our little corner of the internet to post your story.

    First, I moved your promotional thread from the General Discussion forum to the Promotion Zone, since I think that's where it should go.

    Second, congrats on putting that together! I know how much work goes into putting together a finished product. So, good on you for taking on the project and seeing it through.

    Now...as to your English writing sample...

    Let's just say this, translating from one language to another is not easy. My hats off to you for attempting it. However, I would suggest taking some basic English courses. I don't think reading in English is enough to learn how to write in English (or any other language).

    I'll tackle your first few sentences to show you what I mean:
    >> He was there at the top of a skyscraper. This is fine, but it is poorly (some may say passively) constructed. It's not very engaging, you know what I mean? How about: He teetered (or stood or balanced or some exciting verb) at the top of a skyscraper.

    >> The shirt dishevelled and covered with blood. Do you mean: His shirt disheveled* and covered with blood.

    >> Dumbfounded by the horrifying show. What show? Also, this isn't a complete sentence. Fragments are fine, but this one doesn't make any sense. I suspect you mean he's looking at his hands (less seven fingers) and he's horrified at their sight, right? In that case, I would suggest: He stared at the horror of his hands. Or something like that.

    >> He had no more than three fingers on ten. This doesn't make sense. Or, it does, but it is very oddly constructed. Maybe: He only had three fingers left. You don't have to mention that he has ten fingers. Readers will assume that he's human unless you tell us otherwise.

    >> He remembered vaguely that his name was John Dee. This is fine, but again a bit passive. Nothing wrong with passive sentences especially in this case. You are trying to evoke a certain mood and I think it may work in this case.

    >> Behind him, an enormous dog, which had more similarities with a wild boar than with a member the family of canines, he observed with attention and silence. Who's doing the observing? The dog or John? Again, the construction of this sentence is odd and hard to follow. I'm assuming that since the dog is behind him, the dog is observing John Dee. So, maybe: Behind him, an enormous dog, more boar than canine, observed John in silence.

    >> It was nevertheless the last time when we had granted to John Dee, to leave hell, for the kingdom of the mortal. As a last chance awarded for its redemption. I'm sorry, I'm not at all sure what you are trying to say, so I can't easily make suggestions.

    The point is - I find it very hard to follow.

    It sounds potentially intriguing and I'm sure in French it is clear, but it is not clear to me.

    I really think it would help if you took a basic English grammar course. Then read even more English fiction. I hope my comments are useful and good luck!

    * Difference in UK and US spelling conventions.

  3. #3
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    What a work you have done, Thank you very much for this
    And Thanks for the appreciation
    In French, this story made some impact on the youngest
    So maybe, this story have a future ?
    Thanks again

  4. #4
    It could be worse. ~tmso Moderator N. E. White's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rhodan View Post
    So maybe, this story have a future ?
    I'm not exactly sure what you are asking. Do you mean, does this story have the potential to be translated into English for an English audience to enjoy?

    Sure. Any story could be translated.

    Whether anyone would like the story is anyone's guess and depends on a lot of things.

  5. #5
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    Indeed, Just hope it's a good story, so be clear, do you like the Story ?

  6. #6
    It could be worse. ~tmso Moderator N. E. White's Avatar
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    Sorry, mate, but it is hard to determine whether I like it or not from the sample provided since I didn't make it past the first few sentences.

    I'll guess I have to say, no, I didn't like it. Sorry.

  7. #7
    It could be worse. ~tmso Moderator N. E. White's Avatar
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    Rhodan,

    I wanted to add that just because your piece didn't connect with me doesn't mean it won't for others. I'm just some random internet yahoo.

    Once it is properly translated, I'm sure I will like it. Good luck.

  8. #8
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    Quote Originally Posted by N. E. White View Post
    Rhodan,

    I wanted to add that just because your piece didn't connect with me doesn't mean it won't for others. I'm just some random internet yahoo.

    Once it is properly translated, I'm sure I will like it. Good luck.
    No problem, you know, in French it hit : 1 600 people, and It's done it will be published in French
    I'm so happy ( published with another novel who hit 1 400 people and was selected by a Forum for the Novel of the month ) ^^

    All is fine, no problem, for English version will wait

  9. #9
    Lurnin' da Force Bodhi's Avatar
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    A Translation

    The story has some great imagery and poetic language. Can you understand this English translation? I don't speak French so I had to guess at some of the strange words.

    A Sinnerís Lost Fingers


    He stood there, shirt disheveled and covered with blood, at the top of the skyscraper. He was frozen in place by a horrifying image: he had three fingers left, where he once had ten.

    His name was John Dee, he vaguely remembered.

    Behind him crouched an enormous dog. It had more in common with a wild boar than with any member of the canine family. Silently, the dog directed all his attention at the man.

    This was John Deeís final chance at redemption. This was the last time he would be given the opportunity to leave Hell for the world of mortals.

    The first finger he had lost when the dark-haired dog tore it from his hand, extracted it from his body. His sin: falling into a life of decadence and prostitutes, forsaking the small pleasures God gave him.

    When his best friend left with his wife, another finger was lost, devoured by the ethereal mass that constituted the somber dog. Anger consumed one finger and passionate Jealousy claimed another. It took him over and gnawed at him from the inside.

    In the days following, he lost his will to abstain from alcohol. He drank one bottle, then another bottle, then another. This gluttonous Greed had cost him another finger.

    His pride, probably, had been hurt the most.

    Looking down the face of the skyscraper, John Dee could see the entire city illuminated by its nightlife.

    How could one man be so miserable?

    He took a step forward, diving into space...

    Fin.
    Last edited by Bodhi; August 14th, 2014 at 04:16 PM. Reason: Is the dog watching him? Fixing pronoun

  10. #10
    Lurnin' da Force Bodhi's Avatar
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    Arrow More to the Story

    I see you have more to the story. I didn't follow the link.

    Without a better translation, it is too slow to read and follow the story.

    I saw the first part and thought it was a good story without any more!
    What's for dinner, Yod?

  11. #11
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    Thank you so much, will print it quickly

    Thanks for the appreciation, It's a very moral story with loot of implications
    Of course being french guy is a handicap
    Indeed like this it's far better than a " translator" found on the NET
    God bless you

  12. #12
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    Quote Originally Posted by Rhodan View Post
    Thank you so much, will print it quickly

    Thanks for the appreciation, It's a very moral story with loot of implications
    Of course being french guy is a handicap
    Indeed like this it's far better than a " translator" found on the NET
    God bless you
    Great news, this novel in French and another is published

    I'm sure these 2 can be a HIT in English too ^^


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