Does anyone here have experience with query letter writing? I'm seeking feedback. Any and all criticism is welcome.

Dear ______,

I recently heard about your new position with [agency], and that you're interested in adult science fiction that's character-oriented. My 112,000 word novel, Slaves to the New World, is about a telepathic genius, Thomas Hill, who lives in modern America and believes himself to be unique in his ability to absorb knowledge--until other telepaths show up and begin to stalk him. The mind readers soon transport Thomas and his friends to an alien world of advanced technology and brutal slavery, and offer Thomas an opportunity to accept telepathic godhood at the price of forsaking his friends to slavery and death.

I'm a graduate of the 2004 Odyssey writing workshop, and my short stories have been featured in Cyberpulp Magazine, Neverary, Twilight Times, Deep Magic, and other web publications. I also write and direct short films, some of which have been hosted on and screened at international film festivals.

Please let me know if I can send you the first chapters of Slaves to the New World, or the complete manuscript. Thank you for your consideration.

Abigail Goldsmith


Okay, so does my book sound stupid? Do I sound stupid? Did I make the agent sound stupid? Is there anything in here that seems annoying or extraneous?
P.S.--If you reply (and I will appreciate it), I'd also appreciate hearing about your past experience with literary agents and query letters.