looking for constructive criticism

[Ocoda]

Well I’m not a great writer although I wish I was. and I’m expecting many assault on my poor grammar skills, but I’m looking for constructive criticism on my story. believe it or not I have been working on this for the better part of thirty years and finally put it to paper this year. This is the link to my blog that holds only the first three chapters of my first book that is over 100k word count.
I added a character key in the beginning just as an aid to the story as this is actually a series of 8 books. And I have written two other books to the series so far. And I am well aware I have many many character to this story but unfortunately it is needed for the series.

http://thelittleflowerchronicles.blogspot.com/

[tmso]

Hello Ocoda,

First off - a disclaimer: I'm not a writer. I hope to be a writer some day, but I'm not a writer now. I can only offer you my opinions as a reader in the hopes that they will help your writing. Anything I write here is only my opinion and if it doesn't sit well with you, please ignore me.

My eyes glazed over at all the material to read. I'm sorry, but can you get it to us in smaller chunks? You can use the Stories section on this forum. Though it has some serious drawbacks (no formating), you can organize your materials into smaller chunks there. Of course, you can do that on your blog as well.

FYI - the picture at the top is HUGE and extends the page way out to the right.

Questions for you before I can give adequate feedback. What sort of feedback do you want in regards to the character keys, if at all? I didn't read them at all because, frankly, there are so many I will not remember them once I start to read your actual story. I'm hoping that you will introduce your characters in your story well enough that I get to know them, and don't have to memorize who they are.

I read the very first few paragraphs (stopped at twelve days later) of your first chapter. Here are my first impressions on that very first bit:

Lots of telling in those first few sentences and background information we don't necessarily need (in my opinion). The jist is that someone in Houston, monitoring Mars, sees something unusual. Something that makes him jeopardize his job.

The dialogue is a little off, a bit stilted. I'm not sure the supervisor would say that to a subordinate. Maybe read it out loud and see if it sounds right to you?

Also, your sentence construction is difficult to follow (for me). For example:
"His supervisor looks over seeing the reaction and charges over angrily screaming..."

You might want to reconsider writing it like this:
"His supervisor looks over, notices the reaction, and charges over. He angrily screams..."

Also, the very next sentence:
"The Engineer still startled looks at his Holo screen pointing, 'Look at that sir.'"

Can be clearer written like this:
The startled Engineer looks at his Holo screen. He points and says, "Look at that, Sir."

Or something like that, I suck at writing, but hopefully you get the idea.

Anyway, I'm sorry if my comments seem negative. Remember, this is only my opinion.

Good luck!

[JMlovesHP]

I only read up to Twelve Days later as well. Interesting plot from what I gathered. Definitely a lot of grammar mistakes, tmso hit some of them.

I think you have a good idea going here. It is hard to tell from just the little bit that I read, but I did skim down to see the structure of the chapters. I honestly don't think it would go well at all with readers. To put heading that say "Twelve days later" and "Six minutes later" is not a great way to write. I know as a reader I would get tired of seeing that. Try to make those statements flow into the writing. Don't just come out and tell us.

Of course, this is only the opinion of a reader. I am in the midst of writing my first book, but I am not a technical writer yet.

My advice is to get an editor to look over the book. They could help you with anything you have questions on. The plot is a good one though...

Take my words as they are... opinion... and hopefully your books end up published!!

[JunkMonkey]

I'm no writer. Just a dabbler and a reader but the first thing that strikes me is that it is written in the present tense. Relentlessly so. I think I would find it hard to read more than a few pages. Most fiction reads much more easily (to me at least) in the past tense.

The only things I have read that feel right written in the present tense are film scripts and plays. A lot of your dialogue looks like it's trying to be a film script too. Like this:

Jackson calls out, “Need any assistance?”
Cooley calls out, “Shoot at something!”
Caleb Smiles then says, “Keep your composure Lieutenant.”
Cooley replies, “Sorry sir.”

At the moment it reads to me like the first draft of a movie script.

I also found it hard to get past the ambiguities:

Twenty minutes later Caleb and Val continue to listen to reports of the cities in Europe being destroyed one after the other as they circle Logan airport waiting for landing instructions.

This could be read so that you are saying it's the cities that are circling Logan Airport. This is obviously not what you mean, so make it plain:

Twenty minutes later, as they circle Logan airport waiting for landing instructions, Caleb and Val continue to listen to reports of the cities in Europe being destroyed one after the other.

and the typos:

Val yells, “It's from directly above its heading towards Boston, and where right in its path, and Cale, its fast real fast.” Val goes over his instruments and says, “Cale take heading three three niner now!” Damn where right in its path.

Quick edit:

Val yells, “It's from directly above. It's heading towards Boston, and we're right in its path and, Cale, it's fast - real fast.” Val goes over his instruments and says, “Cale, take heading three three niner now!” Damn - we're right in its path!

Major edit:

“It's coming from directly above!" Val yelled. "It's heading towards Boston, and we're right in its path. And, Cale, it's fast - real fast.”
Val read his instruments again and made a decision. “Cale, listen to me," he said speaking clearly. "Take heading three three niner - now!”

Hope these comments are useful. Good luck.

[Ocoda]

Thank you very much

[JunkMonkey]

Oh, and you might want to change one of your character's names to avoid unintentional hilarity:

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0056187/

[Ocoda]

Originally Posted by JunkMonkey

Oh, and you might want to change one of your character's names to avoid unintentional hilarity:

http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0056187/

actually i left that in there intentional i had named the character back in 1986 when i meet a friend of mine who's name was Cohen. but i do agree i will have to change it.

[tmso]

Ah, but unintentional hilarity might be a good thing.

[Ocoda]

i know the first two chapters where in need of a lot of work, but chapter 3 i had hoped had most compelled to read more.

[zachariah]

I read responses like that all the time on other crit sites. Why on earth should a reader have to wade through slow stuff in chapters 1-n just to get to the stuff you know is stronger? Why not start it at the compelling part?

Murder. Your. Darlings.

[Ocoda]

Originally Posted by zachariah

I read responses like that all the time on other crit sites. Why on earth should a reader have to wade through slow stuff in chapters 1-n just to get to the stuff you know is stronger? Why not start it at the compelling part?

Murder. Your. Darlings.

well i should reword that the third chapter is the strogest of the three i put up but i shouldnt diminsh the first two chapters. and you have to build a foundation before you build a house

[tmso]

Originally Posted by Ocoda

and you have to build a foundation before you build a house

The problem with applying that strategy to writing is that most folks won't get in the house if they don't like the facade. Ok, bad analogy. Let me try to explain the concept.

Start at a point in the story that would compel your reader to keep reading. I think you tried to do that. You started where the guy notices something very unusual on Mars. But, so what? No body is about to die or get hurt. There's a little bit of mystery (what is it?), but not enough to get over the poor grammar (sorry).

I think you have a good, rough draft. Just keep working at it, sort out those grammar problems (believe me, we all have problems with grammar), and then revise as necessary later.

Good luck Ocoda.

[Ocoda]

Originally Posted by tmso

The problem with applying that strategy to writing is that most folks won't get in the house if they don't like the facade. Ok, bad analogy. Let me try to explain the concept.

Start at a point in the story that would compel your reader to keep reading. I think you tried to do that. You started where the guy notices something very unusual on Mars. But, so what? No body is about to die or get hurt. There's a little bit of mystery (what is it?), but not enough to get over the poor grammar (sorry).

I think you have a good, rough draft. Just keep working at it, sort out those grammar problems (believe me, we all have problems with grammar), and then revise as necessary later.

Good luck Ocoda.

thank you very much

[Ocoda]

Title: Paladin
Synopsis:
The year is 2075 the Earth is discovered by a ruthless alien empire called the T-Challa. They need the Earths people and resources to maintain it's massive empire. It takes over four years for the T-Challa to build up there surprise attack force, using two small fleets, and bringing a space gateway that will allow for instant travel from there home world. They attack the Earth 2079 in a Mass Driver assault. Killing almost a billion humans.
Another race called the Pena's send a device called Paladin, that alters one man, Caleb Ocoda and a decommissioned museum ship the USS Massachusetts into a weapon to defend the Earth from the T-Challa. Caleb must convince the Earth's remaining governments that he is trying to help them, and not the enemy but he needs a crew to help operate Paladin to save the Earth.
Caleb and his crew succeed in stopping the T-Challa, but the result exposes that Caleb is dying and must find the Pena's to stop the cellular rejection that will kill him and destroy Paladin, and costing the earth its only defense. They have only a few years before the T-Challa will return and must travel through the heart of the T-Challa Empire to get to the Pena's homeworld to save Caleb and get back.