critique appreciated

[emil]

Hi guys! I would very much appreciate it if any of you find the time to read a few pages from my new project. Here it goes:

The legend of Elim

Chapter I “winter is upon us”
The fields are empty; the trees are but shapes and shadows bending with the wind. The time has come. The people of the land are gathering their provisions. Winter, that most difficult of times, will be upon us soon. The singing of the birds gives way to the howling of the hungry pack. Rivers and creeks freeze over, ice cracking under the enormous weight of giants. They do not sleep; do not rests, haunting the forest for pray, striking fear in the hearts of the peoples outside the walls of the fortress. Yes, the time is fast approaching. The time when Epox, the kind and benevolent Sun God whom has protected us for the last months with his light and warmth, is captured by his nemesis Kiran and carried deep inside the underwater prison where he will be waiting for his brother Elim to rescue him and restore light and warmth to the darkened frozen world.
“Take that wood there, son!” The old man speaks pointing his finger at the pile of firewood near the young man’s foot. He has lived through more than fifty winters, he has come to learn and respect this most dangerous of times. The wrinkles on his face and the blisters on his hands tell the tale of hardship and endurance in the forgotten realms of the north. His body and hair covered with the fur of forest beasts and wearing a necklace made out of tooth from the animals he had hunted. His axe is his most trusted friend both in battle and in peace. Forged with the highest craftsmanship and the best materials, it can chop a bear’s head of just as fast as he is chopping down the wood. The old man is the essence of the Northlands; his face paints the picture of harshness. His name is Karelf, a blacksmith living in Goldtop Citadel.
“Yes father!” the boy says, battling to keep all of the wood under his arm.
“Go! Tell your mother to put food on the table. I’ll come as soon as I finish with this wretched tree!”
The boy smiles gently and turns around, heading slowly towards the fortress which can be seen rising in the distance.
“You won’t be smiling when it’s your time to cut them down. I can assure you!” the father speaks with a thickened voice so that the child heading away from him can hear him.
Walking along the path that leading back, the fortress can be seen rising in the distance. It is a magnificent site, the great walls surrounding the citadel, the great hall, carved out of the mountain, the dome on top of the temple of Epox, covered in gold and shining, acting as a beacon to those coming to the fortress. The hall of the great knights, with its imposing sculptures of the bravest warriors the north has ever seen acting as columns that support the roof. There is order and hierarchy in all. The citadel works on a level based society. Outside the city walls are farmers and hunters. They are the backbone of the citadel. They grow wheat and barley, raise cattle and sheep and venture into the vast wilderness bringing back boar and deer for selling in the market, located inside the fortress walls. The second level is comprised of those inside the walls, just at the bottom of the mountain. These are blacksmiths and carpenters, small merchants and craftsmen. The market is located here also, everything from ale to bear paws, from wheat to bat wings can be found here. Bards and poets tell tales of lands far away, shrouded in mystery, tales of fantastic creatures and monsters inhabiting the forests and lakes of these distant lands. Dragons spitting fire and devastating whole villages. Werewolves attacking lone travelers along the great southern road. Hunters tell of horrific vile creatures populating the forests south of the great river. The barracks are situated here also. The King recruits the best young men to fight in the battles against the wild man of the east. Horrible savages that feed on human flesh and drink the blood of their enemies. These young men are often the sons of blacksmiths and weapon smiths and so their fathers make the best weapons and amour for their sons. The Black Bear Inn and many taverns are scattered on this level. Hungry, tired travelers come to the Inn for a hot meal and a good night’s rest. They bring with them various bizarre objects and animals for trade in the city market or to offer as payment if they do not have gold or silver coins. The Foothill, as this level is known is bursting with life. It is the most populous part of the citadel.
On the third level up the mountain we can find the houses of knights and senior merchants, each one unique and brightly decorated, intended to make a statement about its owner. Most are made out of white marble, with lavish gold and diamond decorations, and having the owner’s name written in gold letters above the impressive doors. The elite enjoy the finer things in life. Hot baths and amphitheaters are found on this level. The wives of the elite are enjoying the baths more while their men are watching bear and wolves fights at the arena. Farmers and hunters sons whom are under the age of recruitment work here as housekeepers or errand boys. They can sometimes earn more than their parents and most save up the coins in order to open a tavern or some sort of small business once they have finished their stay in the king’s army. The courthouse is also on this level along with the houses of judges and magistrates appointed by the king. The marble hill, as this level is known is where the fortress’s most wealthy and influential citizens live.
The third level is comprised of temples to all the minor gods and the Temple of Epox, an immense structure topped off by a golden dome with the inscription “eternal light” on the south facing side. The temple is on such a scale that it rivals the great hall itself. The temple has five high priests and some two hundred priests and scholars who travel the various levels of the citadel, bringing herbal medicine and praying for the sick. On the decoration for the house of Epox no expense was spared. Only the best craftsmen from the whole of the north were employed, using the best and most expensive materials. Pink marble made up the floor. Diamonds and other precious stones embroiled the huge gold statue of the Sun God holding his scepter from whose end the sun was shining on the world. The other temples were also lavishly decorated. The second most important deity was Elim, his temple being built just to the right of the Sun God temple. The priests from the order of Elim are considered the wisest of men and constantly walked the streets of the citadel, talking to the people and lifting their spirits. It is forbidden even to the king himself to deny the priests of Epox and Elim access to any part of the citadel and the high priests are members of the King’s Counsel. The other temples are of Lutex, the god of hunters and farmers and guardian of the forest. Serex, patron god of the army, represented alongside his faithful companion, Wertek the wolf. Trox, protector of homes and patron god of the fortress, depicted as a man with four hands, each holding a key. At the eastern edge of the platform there stands alone the temple of Kiran. Its acolytes engaging in dark, mysterious practices and obscure rituals. They are mistrusted by society and confined to their temple. Their only connection to the outside world is through secret tunnels carved into the mountain that exit deep into the forest where the acolytes have been spotted capturing animals for sacrifice to the dark god. The temple itself is built out off black marble with cooper ornaments resembling the color of blood. Kiran is depicted as a man with the head of a wolf and red rubies as his eyes. The temple of Kiran completes the divine mountain as the folk refer to this level.
The final level is the Royal Mountain. The king, his family and other high level officials and their families live their lives among breathtaking monuments and sculptures and far from the noise and smell of the Foothill. The great hall, inside which the king’s throne is located is said to be the biggest construction in all off the north, rivaling those of the great kingdoms to the south and west. Its columns are the height of thirty men. It is carved into the mountain and comprised of the huge throne room and some dozen smaller chambers. It is rumored that beneath the hall there is a great underground complex of natural caves and tunnels that no one has ever found the end of. To the right of the great hall lies the hall of great knights. The statues of the twelve bravest and most loyal knights to serve the kingdom hold the roof of the enormous edifice. Inside, the king holds feasts and banquets, weddings of the elite and knighthood ceremonies. The king’s guards are also granted the honor of living on the top level of the mountain.
Women were not involved in the running of the fortress, most of them being housewives and looking after the kids. There were some exceptions. Some women were excellent merchants and have gained enormous wealth and influence. Also, there was a regiment of volunteer women archers that help protect the fortress in case of a siege. Women were the ones schooling the children in civil discipline and had a greater influence in their life than the fathers had. The fathers were only responsible for the boys’ education once they reached fourteen.
The young man continues along his path, along the creek, heading for the citadel’s gates. The light is getting dimmer; the warmth of the sun is fading. The crickets and frogs alongside the creek are beginning their serenade. The birds are making their songs heard for the last time today. Soon the forest will be engulfed in darkness and fog will cover the trees, crawling in from the marshes along the great river. The forest gives way to pastures and farms. The boy walks heavily under the burden of the firewood towards the gates. He is passing through the fields where herds of cattle are grazing on the soft short grass. Men, armed with forks are keeping a constant eye out for wolves at the forest’s edge. The boy finally reaches the huge gates that allow access into the foothill. The wall surrounding the fortress must be at least as twelve men tall. The gates are imposing, even taller than the walls, designed to induce a sense of security to those living within the walls and send a clear signal to anyone that wants to lay siege to the citadel.

[bobnagga]

Time for the dreaded red pen! No, just kidding, I'll let you do that yourself. The story, though hasn't enough to it at this point to make an opinionated judgement, but you seem to have an eye for detail. The only thing I really had a problem with was the way you described it as a level based society. Now, from here that could be levels as in a class system, which is certainly supported by the context of everything that comes after; OR the fact that it's built in levels... which is certainly supported by the yadda yadda yadda. Maybe it means BOTH of the above interpretations. Maybe you wanted it that way, and if so, tell us. 'Like the mountain on which it was built, the society was structured around levels and classes...." Or not. It's your book, after all. I didn't really see any glaring inconsistencies or logistical anomalies, but it's still the first chapter, you know? One thing about which I can't keep quiet: "there is a great underground complex of natural caves and tunnels that no one has ever found the end of" That's got to be moved around a bit. It's okay when you talk or in dialogue from characters, but man it just smacks of immaturity or... amateurity? in words from the narrator. Otherwise, it looks pretty solid. A suggestion? Maybe the kid is walking WHILE the narrator is describing the Citadel? You know like the boy looks up the mountain to see the dome atop the temple of Epox after he comes through the tall gate from the fields below, wondering and fantasizing about the king's court. Or not. It's your book, after all.

[emil]

Thank you for your review bobnagga. As you have figured yourself, this is my first attempt at writing and English is not my native language. Some of the suggestions you have made are to my liking and I will adopt them. Also as the text progresses if you wouldn't mind I would like you to review it further. I'll make sure to include a special thanks should I ever finish the book.

[Sterling13]

I'll say this - you've got a very full world in your head there and I do like the world you're setting up. But I think you're giving far too much of it to us at once. The amount of information contained here could easily span 5 or more chapters.

I'd see what you can do about sprinkling in the details slowly over time. Have a scene with the priests in the temple of Epox, show a feast taking place in the great hall, take us to a battle with the wild men of the east... or have some other details occur in conversation at a bar, between the boy and his father, etc...

Hope this helps! Good luck!

[emil]

First, I would like to thank you all for taking the time to read and comment on what i have posted. Now to the matter at hand.

The problem that i am facing now is the trigger for the main events of the story. I have several in mind but I am not completely satisfied with any of them. So for now i have written something a bit different. The second chapter is called tales of years past by where the boy who now is an errand boy at a respectable family in the citadel hears about something at "work" every day and in the evening goes back to his father and asks him of what he heard. he's father proceeds to tell him a different tale about a different part of the land from the years when he was a hunter. for example in the first of such tales the father recalls a hunting adventure he had with a friend at the foot of the Great Fire Mountains and his close encounter with the Krull (savages from the east). Now i am working on the second tale where the father tells the tale of his adventure in the vast marshes alongside the Great River and his encounter with a Sarp (a giant serpant) and how he managed to slay him. After this chapter is finished the boy who is now a young man moves into the spotlight. I think it will be called "trouble brewing" and i know it is a bit cliche but his father will probably get killed in a Krull raid while saving the young man's life. But that won't be the main plot of the story that is just there to add to the motivation. I am thinking about a relic that the Krull steal in a raid that must be returned or it somehow places the North land in serious trouble. And eventually the boy who is named after Epox's brother Elim does the same thing as the mythology character does and returns the relic (just like the god releases his brother from his prison). Do you get what i am aiming at? also on his adventures the boy meets some of the characters that his dad told him about.

kmtolan, i was afraid of jumping into the action to early. i thought i would better try and immerse the reader into the world, paint a clear picture. And also a lot of the action in chapter 2 is related to the opening scene. Anyway, your advice is well received.

sterling13, my plan is to build a truly epic world. i mean immense. i want the world to be as complex as possible. I'm working on new species,monsters,objects,etc. I try to block out influences from other works i read or movies or games but somehow they still find a way. i am struggling to keep the book as original as possible. i even contemplating creating all of the creatures myself but there was no creature that would inspire more fear in a misty pine forest than a werewolf. at least i couldn't think of any.. thank you also for your input.

[Sterling13]

Originally Posted by emil

sterling13, my plan is to build a truly epic world. i mean immense. i want the world to be as complex as possible. I'm working on new species,monsters,objects,etc. I try to block out influences from other works i read or movies or games but somehow they still find a way. i am struggling to keep the book as original as possible. i even contemplating creating all of the creatures myself but there was no creature that would inspire more fear in a misty pine forest than a werewolf. at least i couldn't think of any.. thank you also for your input.

Oh, no problems on the "epic world" bit... I am particularly fond of those fantasy novels that immerse in their world. I'm definetely not critiqing you there.

I'll offer this as a final comment - (Without knowing what you have specifically read) Go back and look at a favorite fantasy book you've read. Notice how long it takes the author to immerse you in that world. I assure you its a very gradual thing, bits and pieces at a time as the world takes shape. I think you're forcing too much on the reader all at once, and need to let these descriptions "happen" to your characters rather than coming through in a block of narration.

All in all, listen to that kmtolan guy (read over his review again, it had as much to do with narration as a lively opening scene) - he's one of those published boys, so he knows a thing or two...

[kmtolan]

The imagination is not lacking here, but you are plagued by the most ancient bane of new writers - the "show vs tell" monster.

You narrate. You narrate a LOT. Instead of getting us into the head of main character, we receive a huge amount of information that the reader is simply not going to care about yet.

Tied into this is the lack of an interesting hook to suck the reader in. What is happening here? A boy is taking wood into a citadel. Not exactly dramatic stuff, eh? Now, what would happen if we take some of what you talk about and have some fun with it? Like the boy, carrying the wood across the frozen river, glancing anxiously behind him at the wolf pack following his trail - and then there is this ominous CRACK. All from the boy's perspective.

Or, you could wait until you have your first action scene in the story - and start there instead of here. Often, as might be in this case, the actual beginning of the story lies elsewhere - either ahead or behind the current uninteresting scene.

So, you need to show, and you need to find a hook. I am sure you are proud of this world you created, and why not? Just don't try and shove it down the reader's throat all at once. Only in pieces...only when relevant to the scene. Preferably, not in narration but internalized thought or dialog.

Kerry