new story and comment

[lior]

hello all! I have a novella called "the project" on the site, I know, it requires a beat of dedicated reading, but I will hugely appreciate your honest and objective opinions, and if you posted stories too, I will give you a truthfull feedback in return, thanks!

[This message has been edited by lior (edited February 23, 2001).]

[lior]

Is there anybody out there?

[Erebus]

I guess no one's had a chance to read your work yet, hey? Well, I am a recently published author and I've submitted a short story as well a synopsis and extract from my first published novella, Reflections. Hopefully it will show up on SFF soon! In the meantime, I shall seek out your work and get back to you when I can!

Regards, Neil www.wn.com.au/clubclad/erebus/

[This message has been edited by erebus (edited March 04, 2001).]

[lior]

Thanks, erebus. I don't know what's the point of submitting stories to this site if nobody reads them. I have visited your lovely site, and read your intriguing and original synopsis for the 3 books and the excerpt from book one.
I also read the GREAT reviews from Amazon!

[Erebus]

Lior, I'm pleased that you enjoyed my site. Yes, I will agree with you that it's very frustrating when you put your heart and soul into a piece of creative writing, and then you never know if anybody bothers to read it! I have promised to read yours, and I will. I have read the first page and will get back to it ASAP. Unfortunately I have a regular job as well and reading 24 pages will take me a little while. However, if you'd like to email me the story, by all means do so. Anyway, I'll have a look at another couple of pages now!

Regards, Neil

[KATS]

Lior, please don’t get frustrated with us. The fact is that your story is very long, at least compared to the recent stories I’ve read on this site. I frequent this site mostly on “breaks” while at work. That means that I only have a few minutes at a time. I do intend to read your story (in fact I've started it a few time, I just keep getting "interrupted" by work). I just haven’t been able to find enough time to work all those pages in. My sincerest apologies, I just ask that you be a bit patient.

[Erebus]

Me again, Lior. Well, I've read through a few pages now and the story is certainly shaping up. I must admit I was a little confused on the first page when Akazar picked up a "piece" - piece of what I thought!
But basically, having no idea how old you are etc. my first advice would be to be careful with your tenses in the text, especially with your descriptive passages and POV comments. An expample of this would be when you say..."This is nowhere like home." If this was intended to be a thought made by Akazar then perhaps it should have been made more clear, otherwise, changing "is" to "was" would perhaps be better in this instance. I hope you can follow?
And again, when describing Akazar's persuers you appear to be describing them collectively and then say: "...deep inside its sockets.." Perhaps this would be better as "their" sockets?

Anyway, I know you are eager for feedback so I thought I'd just pass these thoughts on. It is by no means a criticism of your work but my opinion only on points I have picked up. I am only a novice writer myself though I am in my forties, yet I'm always grateful for feedback that will improve my work. The first response I ever had from a Editor was harsh and cutting, yet it inspired me to strive to make my work better, to the best of my ability, which is all we can really do, isn't it! He told me that Reflections was way too long, so I cut about 10,000 words. Then, my first major review said the novel was too short. How can you win? Anyway, I shall give you my overall impressions once I have concluded your story!
Regards, Neil

[This message has been edited by erebus (edited March 04, 2001).]

[Erebus]

Hello again, Lior,

Well, I have completed your story now, although it did take some effort and concentration, but luckily my phone didn't ring for a while!

The concept is quite quirky I think, and your references to Star Trek not unnoticed! I wasn't sure if you intended The Project to be a little tongue-in-cheek, but this is how I read it. Given the subject matter,(which I won't disclose here for those who've not yet read the story) then perhaps it's just as well. You don't won't to go and upset the religious die hards, do you?

As to the writing itself, as I said earlier, without knowing your age or your own native language, I do feel that you need to re-proof the text somewhat. I noticed many instances of confusing use of tenses: was, is; will, would etc. And at times I was a little confused with the disjointedness of the tale and some of the dialogue. (Reading out aloud is something that I'm always advised to do!) That's not to say that I didn't enjoy the story. As I said, it's quirky and original, and with a bit of polish the story will read even better than it does!

You can email me and let me know if you'd like me to explain in more detail where I believe your text could be improved. (A little more private, perhaps!) I'm happy to do this, but again, these are just my opinions and others may differ entirely. That's what reading is all about anyway and many people will see many different things in a story, which is great of course, especially if they have fun doing it and enjoy the tale!

I'd be interested to read anything else you've written, Lior. Maybe you'll have another project to post soon. Stick at it and above all, enjoy what you do!

Regards, Neil

[This message has been edited by erebus (edited March 04, 2001).]

[This message has been edited by erebus (edited March 05, 2001).]

[Erebus]

Hi Lior,
I've just realised you don't have email, so I guess you can't mail me, hey?

[lior]

Thank you very much, Kats and erebus,
I know the story is relatively long, and I'm sorry sorry sorry, I just couldn't tell my tale in less then that.
Erebus, your comments were right on the mark, I do have an email, and i'll send you one.
p.s. It was intended to be tongue-in-cheek, naturally...


[This message has been edited by lior (edited March 05, 2001).]

[Erebus]

No problem, Lior,

It's my pleasure to help, especially as others took the time to help me when I was first starting out. It's great to be able to pass on a little of what I was taught to others. After all, isn't that what these sites are all about? As I said, my comments are not meant as crticism, merely as an offer of help to improve your prose. I will indeed further this with you via email, as promised, and I sincerely hope my suggestions will be helpful.

Regards, Neil

[This message has been edited by erebus (edited March 05, 2001).]

[Erebus]

Hi Lior, as promised, the file has been reviewed and sent back - twice. (I had to fix up some glitches that I had made.) Sorry!

Anyway, hope they get through the email to you okay and that my suggestions etc. are helpful.

Looking forward to your thoughts,

regards, Neil.

[lior]

Hi neil, I received your email a few hours ago, and as soon as I'll finish going through it i'll get back to you. I read it but didn't compare it yet to my manuscript.

thanks for your help,
lior.

[Gotenks_32288]

Good story lior. I am going to tell you a little constructive critisim. I don't know if it's cause I am not feeling great today or if this pertains to everyone, but I kinda got lost in a few spots. I'm pretty sure that it's because of the fact that I'm tired and don't feel good, but you never know and I really enjoy your style of writing.

Also read my topic, How long does it take to get your story up on sffworld? Or something like that!

-Gotenks

[lior]

Thanks,Gotenks, I'm working all the time on improving the story with the help of feedbacks like these. could you tell me more in length where you got lost?