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Tomb Raider

With much ado and fanfare Angelina Jolie’s as Lara Croft in the video game, turned big Hollywood production, “Tomb Raider” hit theatres with all the anticipation of video game geeks, drooling boys and a panting Roger Ebert can muster.

It is safe to say that video games turned into movies have not been very successful, and that would probably be an understatement. So of course I had this rattling around in my head as I was preparing to take my seat. It also occurred to me that there has been a relative amount of interesting press going around about the eccentricities of Angelina and Billy-Bob Thornton’s unusual marriage.

When Angelina was on the Jay Leno show promoting "TR" she said that she flew home every weekend, during filming of “Tomb Raider”, even if it was for just a couple of hours so her and Billy-Bob could, well you know. And then there was the report of Angelina and Billy-Bob’s blood sucking marriage re-newel ceremony. And Angelina’s response when asked if there were a real Lara Croft what would Angelina say to her. And Jolie’s response was “I’d be dating her”.

I think the “Tomb Raider” Hoorah has more to do with Angelina Jolie as a one-woman publicity machine then anything remotely resembling a movie or a story.

The sheer absurdity of “Tomb Raider” attempt at a story and plot is remarkably laughable but we aren’t really supposed to focus on anything other than Angelina’s magnificent attributes.

“Tomb Raider” starts out with Lara Croft engaged in a battle with a shiny chrome machine that is part Amee from “Red Planet”, part Number 5, from “Short Circuit” and part evil Robo-Cop in“Robo-Cop2”. The battle does appear urgent as she is using live ammo. We’ve all been fooled as we find out it is one of Lady Croft’s expensive training devices that she’s been battling.


Any way this is a prelude for one goofy-ass plot involving the Illuminati and this clock of ages that supposedly gives the holder the ability to control time.

Lara awakens one night as she begins to hear a clock ticking she never heard ticking before and so she goes to it. This reminded me of the first “Superman” movie, with Christopher Reeve as a young Clark Kent, when the green crystal called to him and Clark went to the barn and found the green crystal.

And like in “Superman” when the crystal called to Clark signaling the time for his departure, here Lara’s father hid the clock and intended for it to start ticking and call Lara signaling the start of a great adventure.

Lara Croft’s primary antagonist is Manfred Powell, (Iain Glen) who is second in power in the Illuminati and so has grand and covetous designs on the clock that Lara has discovered. So a night raid of the Croft mansion is staged while Lara is bungee jumping and cavorting about her mansion. Well we all know how that’s going to turn out and that’s with Lara Croft wiping out an entire elite armed unit of some sort, and destroying a good part of her mansion in the process. But that’s okay because Lady Croft is one wealthy ass bitch. Unfortunately her antagonist Powell succeeded in making off with the clock.

Now there is two pieces of a stone pyramid that need to be brought together precisely when all the planets line up in order for this clock to deliver its power.

Lara discovers a letter from her late father Lord Croft (Angelina’s real life father Jon Voight) that tells her of the great evil if these pieces fall into the wrong hands. So Lara is in race against Powell to prevent him from being able to control time.

There are so many logic gaps in this movie they’re really not even worth listing. The reality is this movie is just a vehicle for Angelina Jolie to further attain super star status. And there’s especially one logic gap that defies any kind of sense or motivation, involving her father and an ex-lover. I just didn’t get it. I do not give out spoilers but oh my God what could they have been thinking, if you’re going to have the use of this power to control time and faced with two choices then you kick you dad to the curb for a former one night stand turned adversary? Whatever.

And for the record I sensed that Jolie relished playing this role and is belly laughing at every good or bad review because here’s a women who I think really doesn’t care what anybody thinks. A Cher for the younger generation. And hey I like Cher.