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The Musketeer---

When I saw the Musketeer on my father's shelf, I was interested immediately. I am one to adore the kind of battles in this movie. Sword fighting is a favorite of mine, so I was interested. I have seen it a few times now and I still love it. Although, it is quite a cornball movie, but the action packed scenes are what keep you going. Altogether, it's a romantic, brilliant, action movie played with some wonderful actors. I loved it.

The Musketeer
Look, Up in the Rafters


All for none, is what I felt when I walked out of this movie. I cannot say anything remotely flattering about this movie, other then Mena Suvari has beautiful eyes.

I recalled the most recent Musketeer movie, “The Man Behind the Iron Mask” with Leonardo Retardo playing dual roles, as King Louis XIV and Philippe. The characters of Aramis, Athos, Porthos, and D’Artagnan where played by legendary thespians, Jeremy Irons, John Malkovich, Gerard Depardieu, and Gabriel Byrne respectively. I was so jazzed in anticipation for that movie only to be totally disappointed in the hollowness of the dialogue and self-imposed pomp of characters.

So when I watched the previews of “The Musketeer” I knew that the fight scene hype and hyperbole of martial arts choreographer Xin Xin Xiong coordinating the action scenes was going to be a smoke screen to keep our attention off the weak script and bland acting.

And in that respect I was not disappointed. Yes even with brilliant Tim Roth, who has amazed me in “Rob Roy”, “Hoodlum”, and most recently in “Planet of the Apes”, could not save this movie.

The story begins with a young D’Artagnan and his parents preparing for a meal when the nasty Febre, (Tim Roth), arrives with henchman to demand taxes on behalf of the Cardinal Richelieu, (Stephen Rea).

Febre banters with D’Artagnan’s father, a former Musketeer, resulting in a temper tantrum by Febre. In a conniption fit Febre kills both of D’Artagnan’s parents as the young boy looks on. Kind of reminded me of “Conan The Barbarian”, except not anywhere near the quality of that classic scene. Here, though, a young D’Artagnan scares Febre’s face, yet the ruthless Febre does not kill D’Artagnan. Hmm?

Young D’Artagnan is found by Planchet, (Jean-Pierre Castaldi), who promises to train D’Artagnan like he trained D’Artagnan’s father.


So D’Artagnan has an axe to grind growing up. But we skip through the learning years of D’Artagnan and flash forward where D’Artagnan and Planchet are traveling to Paris so D’Artagnan can sign on as a Musketeer. But first they have to stop at some tavern so D’Artagnan can jump around, frolic from the rafters and clang his sword about in the most shadowy and unbelievable manner.

This scene had a remarkably high groan factor for me. I could tell that the makers wanted us to get swept up in a high-spirited swashbuckling scene. Well it totally missed its mark for me. At first I thought, “Hey look up in the rafters, it’s a Jedi Musketeer. No it’s a Matrix Musketeer, No it’s a stupid man with sword.”

Regrettably all the action scenes were unbelievable and completely out of context with the time setting of a swashbuckling movie.

And as far as the other musketeers, of Athos and Porthos, they all seemed drab, dreary, and depressed. And that’s the good part; the bad part was the fragmented dialogue and uninspired story.

Also there’s the scene where the musketeers come to the King and Queen’s aid and they take them into the sewers of Paris. And the complete nonchalance of the way this was presented was embarrassingly laughable. It was like “Oh I’m the King of France and I’m wading through waist deep raw sewage, but hey, no big deal I being rescued by the Musketeers.”

For the record I loved Disney’s 1993 “Three Musketeers” starring Charlie Sheen, Oliver Platt, Kiefer Sutherland, and Chris O’Donnell. Also if you’re a fan of Dumas’s great story see the 1973 version starring Raquel Welch, Michael York, and Richard Chamberlain. You will then understand why this story is loved by so many. Then you will understand why “The Musketeer” will disappoint many.

And finally you have heard me mention when a movie all of a sudden goes so bad that I refer to it as a “shuttle explosion”. Here in “The Musketeer” this shuttle never even got off the launch pad.