Beta Readers for hook and synposis.

[Reece Ran]

Ohhhooo, it's been a while since I've been here.

I was looking for someone to take a look at my hook and synopsis to my sci-fi novel.

I want to make sure I have all of my t's crossed before I submit my manuscript for publishing.

I'm new at this, so any suggestions and corrections would be appreciated. Thank you.


WINTER
BY REECE RAN

Hook
A father searches for his little girl during the cold season of winter; the only drawback, the snow comes to life and kills all who disturbs it.

Synopsis
Zimmery Mac returns home before the season of winter and upon his arrival he learns that his little daughter Lane, his two sons and his disgruntle wife Daphne have thrown a homecoming party for him, inviting all of his relatives. During his return, his two sons head out to pick up a few extra items, his wife leaves in a fit of rage, two of Zimmery’s relatives end up dead in his house and Lane is nowhere to be found. Zimmery heads out into the cold of winter to save her, but the snow comes to life and kills all who disturbs it. Due to his military training, he manages to survive long enough to meet up with three other fathers, Chris, Devon, Russell and a hired gun named Akin, who learns their children have all been kidnapped by the Snowman, a child predator that attacks only during the winter months. Together they survive a snow attack, a bear fight, a Neo-Nazi ambush, Chris’s violent alter ego and a giant dry ice sculpture animated by the snow. Afterwards, Zimmery returns home once again, along with the fathers to find out who killed his two relatives, only to uncover that everyone in the house has been murdered by the Snowman. Zimmery seemingly dies from a heart attack after succumbing to this horrific realization.

Novel Information
Winter is a 76,000 word science fiction thriller. It is one of three parts to a suspenseful action packed trilogy. It focuses on the theme of parenting, and how far a man will go to save his family despite all odds. This novel is suited for those who love action, suspense and a little bit of horror.

Short Bio
My name is Reece Ran, born in the state of Indiana. I am just a first time author hoping to share my stories with as many as possible.

 

[Luka Datas]

Hey there Reece. I'd be willing to beta read your story.

If you email it to me and give me a week I'll get right back to you with my findings, corrections and comments.

I majored in English Literature at University but that was a long time ago so I may miss some things. So if you get any other offers I'd suggest you take them up as well.

My name is Jim.

My email is

[email protected]

PS - If you have any specific areas in your novel that you are particularly concerned about colour them red this way I will know to give them particular attention.


ONE Thing I noticed right off the bat was

A father searches for his little girl during the cold season of winter; the only drawback, the snow comes to life and kills all who disturbs it.

Should be - all who disturb it.

 

[Facing]

It would help to know who your target audience is and what kind of book you've written not just what it's about.

I read your hook and synopsis and while neither would cause this old woman to pick up the book I think my son might of while he was still in highschool and reading things like "Hollow chocolate bunnies of the apocalypse"

 

[N. E. White]

Are you submitting this to an agent/publisher along with a query letter? And did you include the end in this synposis?

You say he seemingly dies from a heart attack and that this is part of a trilogy, but having the main character die at the end of the first book may kill an agent's or publisher's interest, whether it is "seemingly" or not.

In the hook and synop above, I only caught a few typos, I can point them out later and Luka caught one of 'em.

On a whole, I think it tells the story succinctly, but I think it is missing two things: more of a sense of your world (is this secondary fantasy? post-apocalyptic? what?) and a sense of the voice or tone the story is told in (is this a first person account? multiple viewpoints? omniscient? is it horror filled with lots of humor or is it depressing because this guy is worried sick about his kid the entire time?).

Oh, also, you give us a very brief run down of the family, which is good, but I don't have a sense of the other character's motivations. What are they in for? Why did his daughter run into the snow? Surely, she knew of the danger, right?

 

[Reece Ran]

Are you submitting this to an agent/publisher along with a query letter? And did you include the end in this synposis?

You say he seemingly dies from a heart attack and that this is part of a trilogy, but having the main character die at the end of the first book may kill an agent's or publisher's interest, whether it is "seemingly" or not.

In the hook and synop above, I only caught a few typos, I can point them out later and Luka caught one of 'em.

On a whole, I think it tells the story succinctly, but I think it is missing two things: more of a sense of your world (is this secondary fantasy? post-apocalyptic? what?) and a sense of the voice or tone the story is told in (is this a first person account? multiple viewpoints? omniscient? is it horror filled with lots of humor or is it depressing because this guy is worried sick about his kid the entire time?).

Oh, also, you give us a very brief run down of the family, which is good, but I don't have a sense of the other character's motivations. What are they in for? Why did his daughter run into the snow? Surely, she knew of the danger, right?

1. Yes, I'm submitting it with a query letter and the end of part one is in the synopsis. See the thing is, I've already written the first draft to the entire series. Part two and three are done. But I decided to focus on part one first, due to economic reasons, and if this one goes anywhere, then I can move on.

2. It's sort of like a pseudo post apocalyptic world. There was an event that happened that led to the snow coming to life in the current time. That event wiped out a good chuck of the human population. The thing is it only happens during the winter. The world continues on as normal during the other three seasons and by the end of fall everyone gets prepared for a massive shut down, thus everyone stays inside until the season ends. It is set in the real world. The story takes place in Scranton, Pennsylvania, but it is also set in the year 2049-2050.

3. It is a first person account, Zimmery Mac tells the story from his point of view and he is the focal character. My target audience is those around sixteen and up and for those who like sci-fi, action, drama, a bit of horror, mystery and suspense.

4. It's kind of depressing, Zimmery is always worried sick about Lane and everything else that happens in the book. But there are some humorous parts in the book to sort of ease the reader and the characters themselves up.

5. The main characters are Zimmery, the three other fathers Devon, Russell, Chris then Akin for the most part. Zim's wife Daphne, his two sons Micky and Zach and his extended family are there mostly as set up for future plot-lines. The main objective is to get Lane and the other fathers kids back from the Snowman. That's pretty much the ultimate goal for everyone. All five are or were in the military at some point in their lives.

Chris is rich, but he has a violent alter ego, like a Jekyll and Hyde vibe. He has Akin and group of men helping him find his son Johnny.

Devon is a black man and he is much like Zim. he has a daughter named Pam that is a year older than Lane and he's also married. But his marriage is going a bit better than Zim's. He also works for Chris's company. He ends up becoming Zim's closets friend.

Russell is sort of the comic relief. He is really a step dad and a whipped man. His wife knocks him around. He's out looking for his two step twins, Alex and Alexis. He knows Chris because his wife was Chris's first wife and the twins are Chris's kids, but he denies it though.

Akin is an Asian man, hired by Chris to help him. He knows about Chris's alter ego and he keeps him in check.

As for antagonists, there are a few throughout the series, but the main baddie is the Snowman.

Lane is about six, so she knows of the dangers of being in the snow, but that's where the mystery lies. How did she end up out there? In the book certain clues are left for Zim to knows she's out in the snow, which is why he has to go out and get her. But the mystery isn't solved until part two.

6. As for the dying part, are you saying I should not say he seemingly dies? I could just say he has a heart attack and passes out. He doesn't die since it's a three part series, but the heart attack does have an affect on him throughout the rest of the story.

I hope that was enough info for you, now my concern is how do I fit that into my query letter?

 

[N. E. White]

...now my concern is how do I fit that into my query letter?

You don't.

The trick is to get that all in the synopsis. There are a lot of guidelines out there on writing synopses. You should do a Google search and read up on them a bit (to know what gets included (story only) and what doesn't (anything about selling the book, its word count, or you - that goes in the query letter).

Do you have an agent/publisher in mind? Do you know their submission requirements?

Many will ask for specific things. One will want a query letter, a two-page (exactly!) synopsis, and the first five chapters. And another will want just the query letter. While another will ask only for a 1-page synopsis and something akin to the back page blurb. Basically, whatever they want, you have to tailor your book pitch (in whatever format) to fit their requirements. Folks who are serious about submitting to agents and publishers have everything from a one-sentence pitch to a four-page chapter summary/synopsis ready to send out on a moment's notice along with a stellar query letter.

I know KatG is around, but may still be tied up with family stuff. When she gets back to the forum, hopefully she sees this thread and helps out with crafting what appears to be your one-page synopsis.

Here are some of my suggestions (and remember, they are only suggestions):
If the book is primarily told from Zimmery's perspective, focus on him and write the synopsis telling his story. Use your story voice in the synopsis. Not as if you are re-writing the story, but add the flavor of the novel to your synopsis.

So, instead of writing something perfect suitable but bland like this:

Zimmery Mac returns home before the season of winter and upon his arrival he learns that his little daughter Lane, his two sons and his disgruntle wife Daphne have thrown a homecoming party for him, inviting all of his relatives.

Try infusing it with your story voice (I have no idea of the voice used, so I am making this up on the fly):

Former Marine Zimmery Mac didn't know the cold trouble he would find when he showed up late for his homecoming party. After having one too many, his disgruntled wife, Daphne, throws him out into the deadly snow while his daughter, Lane, and his two sons look on.

I know, that's terrible, but something like that. Your synopsis has to be just as interesting and engaging as your novel is. Synopsis should make me (or the agent/publisher) want to read the novel. A rundown of events is good for you or your outline, but that's about it.

By the way, since the book is written in first person, you might want to play around with writing the synopsis in first person (from Zimmery's POV). I'm not sure if that will work, but you can try and see if something comes of it.

Depending on who you send your query letter to, all the details on diversity are not needed (though should go in the synopsis in an organic way and only if it is pertinent to the story - meaning, does it have something to do with the plot/story or do they just happen to be of different ethnicities?).

I, for one, love to see diversity in my fiction and am glad you are writing a story that represents all of us, but focus on story. No matter what color, race, tail/no-tail, gender, etc the characters are, we want to read the story. The fact that he loses is daughter is paramount and how it affects him and drives the plot. Focus on that.

Let's see, what else...I think the story sounds interesting! And remember, writing synopses is not easy. For some people, it is, but for most of us, it is not. Trying to squeeze all the goodness from your story into one or two pages is like trying to get my size 9 foot into a size 1 or 2. It is gonna hurt, things will get lopped off, and there will be blood. But it still has to look good. (shudder)

Here's the Writer's Digest tips on writing a synopsis: http://www.writersdigest.com/editors-picks/learn-how-to-write-a-synopsis-like-a-pro

Query letter advice (and examples of some stellar query letters, the one posted on December 7th, 2014 is GREAT): Query Shark

Also, check out the query letter thread on this forum (here), to get an idea of how KatG may be able to help. Sometimes, reading through the efforts of others can help your own.

I wish you the best of luck!

 

[Reece Ran]

Thank you again Mr. White. Also what were the typos? I want to correct them.

 

[Luka Datas]

If anyone else more experienced at reviewing stories has the time then they could do worse with it than have a look at this. It's not a painstaking read and quite well done. I'm going to do the best I can with it but someone more experienced at critiquing would probably be much more helpful to Reece than I'm likely to be. If something's this good I've got a real hands off approach which came with the yellow stripe on my back.

As far as the synopsis though people seem to be returning home (in the first two sentences Zimmery appears to be returning home twice)) quite a lot. From what I've read of your story it's what happens at home and where they have come from that would be more interesting for the publishers to know about if they are going to invest their time reading your manuscript.

 

[Reece Ran]

If anyone else more experienced at reviewing stories has the time then they could do worse with it than have a look at this. It's not a painstaking read and quite well done. I'm going to do the best I can with it but someone more experienced at critiquing would probably be much more helpful to Reece than I'm likely to be. If something's this good I've got a real hands off approach which came with the yellow stripe on my back.

As far as the synopsis though people seem to be returning home (in the first two sentences Zimmery appears to be returning home twice)) quite a lot. From what I've read of your story it's what happens at home and where they have come from that would be more interesting for the publishers to know about if they are going to invest their time reading your manuscript.

Oh God Jim you read some of it. Glad to know it wasn't too bad. Lol.

If anyone else wants to take a look at it, here is the link to the entire novel.

https://www.scribd.com/doc/251456523/Reece-Ran-Winter

 

[N. E. White]

Here are my red marks.

WINTER
BY REECE RAN

Hook
A father searches for his little girl during the cold season of winter; the only drawback, the snow comes to life and kills all who disturbs it.

[The word 'winter' implies that it is cold, so why say 'cold season of winter'? That's rather awkward. Also, you don't need 'little', girl implies she is, well, a girl (young and presumably little). Your hook should tell the story in a nutshell and give a sense of the genre and place. For example: Before a serial killer tears her apart, an ex-marine searches for his stolen daughter in the deadly snows surrounding Pittsburgh.]

Synopsis
Zimmery Mac returns home before the season ofwinter and upon his arrival he learns that his little daughter Lane, his two sons and his disgruntle[d] wife Daphne have thrown a homecoming party for him, inviting all of his relatives.

[This is rather long, with a lot of information packed in there. That's okay, but you use phrases that are needlessly cumbersome. Why 'season of winter'? Is that the way they talk? If not, use plain 'winter'. I would suggest splitting this into two sentences like this: Before winter descends and the snowmen lay in wait for their next victims, ex-marine Zimmery Mac returns home. His disgruntled wife, two sons, and daughter Lane surprise him with a homecoming party.]

During his return, his two sons head out to pick up a few extra items, his wife leaves in a fit of rage, two of Zimmery’s relatives end up dead in his house and Lane is nowhere to be found.

[Wow, okay, that's a lot of plot in one sentence! I don't think you need the phrase 'during his return'. Your synposis should be told in the chronological order that your novel is in. If the next events happen after he gets back home, then that is presumed since this paragraph comes after the first where you state that. So, this is where I meant that the other character's motivations were not coming through. There are a lot of whys here. Why did his sons head out for extra items? And when did they do this? During the party? Why did his wife leave in a fit of rage? How and why did two of his relations die in the house during the party? Lane is the mystery and you can leave it thus, but all that other stuff seems random. You might have to consider giving us more of the story here. This one sentence should be expanded into a paragraph to give us more details.]


Zimmery heads out into the cold of winter to save her, but the snow comes to life and kills all who disturbs it. Due to his military training, he manages to survive long enough to meet up with three other fathers, Chris, Devon, Russell and a hired gun named Akin, who learns their children have all been kidnapped by the Snowman, a child predator that attacks only during the winter months.

[His meet-up with the other fathers and hired gun seems kind of random. Randomness is real life is expected, in fiction - never. There has to be a reason. Might he have heard of these other kidnappings before? Maybe there's a crazy rumor going about that a team of fathers are out there in the wild?]

Together they survive a snow attack, a bear fight, a Neo-Nazi ambush, Chris’s violent alter ego and a giant dry ice sculpture animated by the snow. Afterwards, Zimmery returns home once again [redundant], along with the fathers to find out who killed his two relatives, only to uncover that everyone in the house has been murdered by the Snowman. Zimmery seemingly dies from a heart attack after succumbing to this horrific realization.

[Okay, but what about his daughter? He goes back home and she's still out there, right? Why would he do that? Why are his two relatives that are already dead more important than his child (who, presumably, we don't know is dead yet)? We need more of his emotional story to make sense of the plot.]

Novel Information
Winter is a 76,000 word science fiction thriller. It is one of three parts to a suspenseful, action packed trilogy. It focuses on the theme of parenting, and how far a man will go to save his family despite all odds. This novel is suited for those who love action, suspense and a little bit of horror.

Short Bio
My name is Reece Ran, born in the state of Indiana. I am just [cut] a first time author hoping to share my stories with as many as possible.

Not so many typos as I had thought the first time. I guess there's just the use of the plural that tripped me up a few times. Mostly, there are just a lot of questions about that plot. I hope this helps.

Remember, these are suggestions from another internet yahoo. And I have never written a successful synopsis. So, take this all with a shaker (or more) of salt.

Oh, and I am a Mrs., not a Mr. But you can address me with a 'sir' or 'ma'am'. I'll answer to both.

 

[KatG]

Howdy!

Okay, #1, this isn't a science fiction novel. It's a futuristic fantasy horror thriller. Mainly it's horror/dark fantasy, so you can just say that. You are writing the book for the adult horror market.

You have to get across the world and setting of the story. Otherwise, they don't know what sort of story you are talking about. And since the Snowman shaped this futuristic world, that means you have to be clear about the snow stuff up front too, so they can follow what's going on. The Snowman is a supernatural entity that captures children and uses them for food or something else or no one knows exactly, yes? It emerged on Earth due to some event, perhaps after a long hibernation, yes? No one knows how to stop it or what it is exactly, yes? The Snowman is capable of animating the snow? or its emergence does things to the snow? and so if you trod into snow, the snow eventually attacks by.....? Snow usually kills by cold and can fill up nose and mouth and suffocate you, or does the snow turn into things, creatures like the ice monster you mentioned? The Snowman has also increased the cold climate of the entire Earth and there is now snow falling in winter in a far wider swath of the planet than before, especially in the Southern Hemisphere? Those who can, live in places where there is less snow or travel back and forth between the hemispheres to avoid winter, but most are poor now and society went more tribal and so shut themselves up into massive forts with supplies, particularly protecting their children, in case the Snowman and its minions snatches up the children? Can they melt snow?

So that's the world of the story, and we have to know some of that, since the entire plot of the story hinges on that world. Having established that, the rest of the story is straightforward -- right as winter is approaching current future apocalypse Indiana, a man returns home to settle into the winter fortress of his town. His daughter is lured out into the snow by the Snowman and disappears. In the current culture, mostly families would just mourn the loss of the child, but the man is sure his daughter is alive? and he risks his life to try and track her down. He runs into a rich guy accompanied by a henchman and some other fathers. The group has also lost their children to the Snowman, but hope to track them down. They have to fight the snow (creatures? whirly storms?) when they can't get around or melt the snow?

And then you have the twist that the rich man has got something. He has a mental condition, or has been given an experimental drug which affects him (the original Hyde reason,) or he is possessed by some sort of supernatural circumstance, perhaps related to the Snowman's destruction of Earth, so that he turns into a Hyde person periodically. (Does this help him fight the snow monsters?) So you have to have a clear sentence on that. You can't just say that he has an evil alter-ego -- that's not going to make a lot of sense to them without some context. They're going to wonder if you mean an actual separate person or not.

So look at that first, give us a little more data, and then the ending issues can be sussed.

Also, on your bio, what do you do for a living?

 

[Reece Ran]

Howdy!

Okay, #1, this isn't a science fiction novel. It's a futuristic fantasy horror thriller. Mainly it's horror/dark fantasy, so you can just say that. You are writing the book for the adult horror market.

You have to get across the world and setting of the story. Otherwise, they don't know what sort of story you are talking about. And since the Snowman shaped this futuristic world, that means you have to be clear about the snow stuff up front too, so they can follow what's going on. The Snowman is a supernatural entity that captures children and uses them for food or something else or no one knows exactly, yes? It emerged on Earth due to some event, perhaps after a long hibernation, yes? No one knows how to stop it or what it is exactly, yes? The Snowman is capable of animating the snow? or its emergence does things to the snow? and so if you trod into snow, the snow eventually attacks by.....? Snow usually kills by cold and can fill up nose and mouth and suffocate you, or does the snow turn into things, creatures like the ice monster you mentioned? The Snowman has also increased the cold climate of the entire Earth and there is now snow falling in winter in a far wider swath of the planet than before, especially in the Southern Hemisphere? Those who can, live in places where there is less snow or travel back and forth between the hemispheres to avoid winter, but most are poor now and society went more tribal and so shut themselves up into massive forts with supplies, particularly protecting their children, in case the Snowman and its minions snatches up the children? Can they melt snow?

So that's the world of the story, and we have to know some of that, since the entire plot of the story hinges on that world. Having established that, the rest of the story is straightforward -- right as winter is approaching current future apocalypse Indiana, a man returns home to settle into the winter fortress of his town. His daughter is lured out into the snow by the Snowman and disappears. In the current culture, mostly families would just mourn the loss of the child, but the man is sure his daughter is alive? and he risks his life to try and track her down. He runs into a rich guy accompanied by a henchman and some other fathers. The group has also lost their children to the Snowman, but hope to track them down. They have to fight the snow (creatures? whirly storms?) when they can't get around or melt the snow?

And then you have the twist that the rich man has got something. He has a mental condition, or has been given an experimental drug which affects him (the original Hyde reason,) or he is possessed by some sort of supernatural circumstance, perhaps related to the Snowman's destruction of Earth, so that he turns into a Hyde person periodically. (Does this help him fight the snow monsters?) So you have to have a clear sentence on that. You can't just say that he has an evil alter-ego -- that's not going to make a lot of sense to them without some context. They're going to wonder if you mean an actual separate person or not.

So look at that first, give us a little more data, and then the ending issues can be sussed.

Also, on your bio, what do you do for a living?

Hello KatG. Thanks for replying. Okay. I get what you're saying, that's why I'm asking for as much help as possible. I assume you're writing your interpretation of the story to show me how it should be done, and thank you for that.

As for the world of Winter, the Snowman has nothing to do with the snow coming to life and killing people. The snow is it's own sentient being. The Snowman just takes advantage of the situation. Since the majority of the governments around the world shut down during the season, law enforcement can't do anything to stop him. It's only in the spring, they can begin investigating, but by that time. It's already too late. This has caused the economy to become so lop sided that anyone that doesn't have at least a million dollars can't survive.

The world is divided between the Super Rich, who have the resources to survive in the snow, like giant bio domes. The Rich (my world's middle class) and the homeless, which is the majority of the human population. Zimmery is in the middle.

This drawing gives an idea of how the snow attacks.

It creates tentacles, arms, spikes and can animated dry ice objects that are movable.

Chris has a mental condition, that makes him go berserk, and the fathers learn that towards the end of the book.

See this story is a trilogy. The overarching story is Zimmery and the dads trying to get their kids back from the Snowman. But in each book, there other issues to deal with. In this one, the focus is more not only on getting Lane back, but solving the two murders in his house. To clarify. The two relatives is Zim's two sisters in law, Nancy and Jamie. Nancy has a no good abusive boyfriend named Bob. Bob and Jamie get into an argument over this.

A day or so in, Jamie ends up dead in the basement and Nancy is shot three times in the chest. Zim instantly thinks it was Bob. But his two brothers in law, Eric and Jim vouches for Bob, telling Zim he didn't kill Nancy and he wasn't in the basement at all during Jamie's death. During all of this, Zim notices Lane is nowhere to be found. Her coat and boots and special winter gear is gone too. One of the relatives dog sniff her scent and it leads them right to garage door, That leads outside.

 

[KatG]

So, somehow, magically, frozen water particles are infused by a supernatural entity who can pop up anywhere there is snow (or comes down in the snow,) and the snow is part of it and it can, as snow and ice, attack large numbers of people, including creating ice and snow creatures. And another supernatural being, the Snowman, is able to survive the snow entity and steals children (again, do they know what it steals children for?)

You are going to need to establish the sentient magical snow in the first paragraph of the brief description -- the world of the story. In Zimmery's middle class world, there is a precarious balance of tensions as the community tries to hunker down behind safety and survive winter months, where different rules apply than the rest of the year. They've money enough for shelter and to fend off the homeless, but not to travel away like the Super Rich. When Zimmery returns home, the brutal murders of two relatives throw that community into an uproar -- that sort of violence in the protected area can mean riots, etc.

In the confusion over the deaths, Zimmery realizes his daughter has disappeared. Children who disappear during winter are either taken by the snow or by the Snowman (so you need a sentence describing what the Snowman is, what they know of it, when talking of her disappearance.) Zimmery goes in search of his daughter (who may have also seen something regarding the murders?) even though it's nearly a hopeless cause. He meets, saves or is saved by a group of men also looking for their children, one of them the Super Rich with a dark secret. And he faces some stuff.

Now, on the ending, you can first off, not give the ending in the brief description if you want. But that means no details -- no Zimmery returns home and has a heart attack (without telling if he found the daughter or not, why the Snowman killed his family, etc.) Or you can give the ending, specificially whether he finds the daughter or not, the returning home, the deaths, but maybe not the heart attack, just "physical toll." Or, you can give the ending with all the key specific details.

For some fantasy and SF stories, setting is not super important -- it's background, it's color and flavoring, general atmosphere. It's an enjoyable part of the story and a useful tool, but the focus really isn't on the setting; it's not key. If you, for instance, set your story in NYC, or an imaginary Earth city, or a sort-of medieval secondary world kingdom or a standard space station, detail may be there, but it's not necessarily the central focus and doesn't require a lot of elaborating on, especially in synopsis description, since we know what a city, fairy tale kingdom or space station basically looks like and how they operate. Only the odder, not real details of setting may need to be conveyed.

But for some stories, the setting is really important -- the story is about the setting. Alan Campbell's Scar Night, for instance, is a secondary world fantasy story about a city that is suspended on giant chains over an impossibly deep abyss -- and where people shut themselves up during one ritual night. You have to explain that set up, and the religion and culture of the city, for anybody to understand what the hey is going on in the plot. A lot of post-apocalyptic stories, the setting is why the story is there and so is a critical focus -- what society has been shaped into.

And you've written one of those stories. You've written a dark post-apoc fairy tale with snow demons that's in Snow Queen territory. The collapse and perilousness of the world due to supernatural snow entities, the snatching of children, the threat of death from the landscape, are the central focus that provides the situation, the action, the central plotline. So you definitely need to establish here is where we are now, and the snow demons that demonize the inhabitants of that world, so that the stakes of Zimmery's quest are clear. So your path is snow/post-apocalypse world (setting), hunkering down of middle class (setting) and murders, child gone and Snowman (setting), quest to find child, other fathers, and then what of the rest of the plot and ending you think best. You want to get them interested, so hiding juicy stuff is not in your best interest, usually.

 

[PeteMC]

If anyone else wants to take a look at it, here is the link to the entire novel.

https://www.scribd.com/doc/251456523/Reece-Ran-Winter

I haven't had a chance to look at it yet but have you really uploaded the whole novel to the internet? You might want to take that down again really quick if you're trying to sell first publication rights.

 

[Reece Ran]

I haven't had a chance to look at it yet but have you really uploaded the whole novel to the internet? You might want to take that down again really quick if you're trying to sell first publication rights.

Done. ohh thanks for that.

 

[Luka Datas]

Hey Reece. I haven't finished reading your novel and I don't think I'll be able to manage it. Right now I think I'm 45000 words in and the plot is extremely convoluted. The characters are thinly drawn and the overall after taste I'm being left with Everytime I put the book down is unpleasant. I'm finding that things happen over a few months that could have happened in a few hours and your main character has no apparent sense. If as you say you get to the point in books two and three. The only thing I can suggest is that you condense all three books into one book (shorter than. 75000 words.) with a clear plot. Also you should commence your book with a clear description of the snow land rules like KatG suggested. In writing your lead character from the first person POV you should also ask yourself this question... "if someone else was telling me this about themself, would I think they actually had an inner life, or would I think they were an idiot?"

I'm sorry I'm not going on with the review and it isn't something I'm happy doing because I'm usually the last person to quit anything but your book as it is has been killing me really really slowly.

 

[Reece Ran]

Hey Reece. I haven't finished reading your novel and I don't think I'll be able to manage it. Right now I think I'm 45000 words in and the plot is extremely convoluted. The characters are thinly drawn and the overall after taste I'm being left with Everytime I put the book down is unpleasant. I'm finding that things happen over a few months that could have happened in a few hours and your main character has no apparent sense. If as you say you get to the point in books two and three. The only thing I can suggest is that you condense all three books into one book (shorter than. 75000 words.) with a clear plot. Also you should commence your book with a clear description of the snow land rules like KatG suggested. In writing your lead character from the first person POV you should also ask yourself this question... "if someone else was telling me this about themself, would I think they actually had an inner life, or would I think they were an idiot?"

I'm sorry I'm not going on with the review and it isn't something I'm happy doing because I'm usually the last person to quit anything but your book as it is has been killing me really really slowly.

Okay, thanks for trying.

 

[N. E. White]

Okay, thanks for trying.

Reece, you may want to consider participating in our workshop thread. Though you'll have to critique for others, it may help. Or, perhaps participating in our flash or short story contests? One thing they help with is getting one to write a story with as few words as possible, but still conveying a rich world and characters with depth. It's hard, but well worth it to improve one's writing ability.