Critique: First scene of a prologue

[MattC]

Hi everybody! Here is the first scene from the prologue of a fantasy novel I am writing. Any comments are welcome.


The wooden prison heaved and groaned with exertion. The wind shrieked, drowning out the cries of the men. The deep rumble of the tempest closed in, hammering on the hull with a thousand unseen hands. The boy lay awake; his wide eyes darted about the cabin in terror. The wet darkness was pierced only by the flash of a god’s hammer, its ear-splitting boom vibrated through the boards.
With all of nature’s fury falling upon them, every man of the crew was at arms. Waging a failing battle to save not their ship, but their very lives. The great ship groaned, coming apart in a hundred places, before the hapless crew. Any man who dared to stand straight was picked up by the wind and flung into the swirling darkness. The masts bent low, a thousand cracks forming at their bases. Holes gaped in the hull; priceless treasures poured out, bitter salt water poured in. The sails tore off and went in search of more wholesome weather.
While the few men left alive fought above, only one took shelter in the dank halls of the great ship. The boy was sequestered in the captain’s spacious cabin. The iron bound door was locked with a key that hung about the neck of the captain at all times. The captain had gifted him with a fine, shimmering dagger, with a queer blade as sharp any held by the crew. It and many other precious treasures floated, forgotten, in the water that slowly filled the cabin.
The boy was confined to lurching cot. His youthful skin was grey, clammy and dead with a terrible, non-contagious illness none knew how to cure. With the ancient laws of the sea broken, the men would have tossed him overboard, if not for the deadly promise in the eyes of their revered captain. They were all gone now; the water had smothered the lanterns, leaving the boy alone in the darkness.
But the boy knew he was not alone. The darkness crawled, there were things in the room with him. They lurked in the corners, the cracks, under his heaving cot. Cold and wet things brushed against his exposed skin irritating the putrid grey growth, cold salty water fell from above, into his eyes and down his spine. Whimpering, the boy closed his eyes, and the darkness became total.
Over the tempest’s cries came the first notes of the song. Faintly at first, slowly rising with the boy’s fear. It was a queer sound, of flutes and harps, things comforting now terrifying. The flutes and harps called, louder and louder, drowning out the storm. The boy began to shake uncontrollably, and covered his ears, vainly trying to block out that horrible song.
Whispering filled his bleeding ears. Physical entities loomed over him. Impossible shapes danced across the boy’s eyes. The living darkness surged forth; its icy tendrils consumed him. The ocean closed over his head. It seemed his long, painful journey was finally at its end. All the light and warmth in the world was gone. The others were gone and now he would join them. The darkness consumed everything.
A gentle light washed over him, blinking; he sluggishly turned his head. He floated in a dream world. Before him, bathed in a warm blue light was the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, tall and serene. The goddess regarded him with cool, gentle blue eyes, eyes that banished all fear. Smiling, she held out her hands in a motherly gesture. With a cry, the boy ran into them like a small child, and collapsed in her embrace, for a heartbeat he was at peace. The calming warm breath on his neck turned ominously cold. Opening his eyes, he found himself staring into the cold, dead eyes of a fish.
The boy’s piecing screams were cut off by rough hands shaking his thin shoulders. The captain stood over him, driving back the darkness with his very presence. The man was like a scarecrow, tall and lanky, with arms as long and knotted as rope. The man was soaked to the bone; his glossy black beard was a ragged spider web clinging to his exposed chest. His once sure breathing came in ragged gasps.
“Be calm my prince, be calm.”
The man looked him over with fatherly concern. “Be calm my prince. Once we clear this storm, we’ll be free. Free. I gave you my word on that.”
The man spied the dagger bobbing at his feet, he pressed it into the boy’s hand and then against the boy’s chest. “Keep the blade close at hand my prince. The gods know it can help ye.”
Then he heard the music, echoing through the hold, echoing into the cabin. The man jerked around, spasms of fear running through him. “No!” He cried raggedly. He drew his sword and lurched out. “They won’t have ye my prince, they won’t have ye!”
The music reached a crescendo, a crack resounded throughout the ship. The boy turned and saw a wall of water flying down the hall, to the cabin. The captain was swept off his feet and vanished. Then the water came for him. The darkness consumed everything.

 

[TheScribblery]

This scene was immediately confusing to me, and I'm trying to pick apart the exact reasons why. I think that it's a very good place to be picking up your story, and it was definitely stronger towards the end of the scene; however, there are definitely some parts that could be improved to help communicate the scene better to your readers.

I wasn't so sure about the description in the first paragraph, and the reason why is that the first three sentences (along with the very last bit of description) are all appealing to only one sense: hearing. The cacophony does help to set the scene, but there really only needs to be one mention for one sense to begin with, and then you might be able to detail the atmosphere in the ship's cabin better by moving onto other methods of imagery.

There are some issues with your wording that you might address. For one, you might be getting too indirect on some pieces, and it lowers the impact of what you've written - for example, "The wind shrieked, drowning out the cries..." could just as easily be "The shrieking wind drowned out the cries...". There were also some places where it seemed like some sentences could be condensed; the first two in the second paragraph, for example, could read if you linked them.

Also in the second paragraph, there was a point where you were trying to build the scene by first saying that the ship was "coming apart in a hundred places", writing on something else for a sentence, then that the masts had "a thousand cracks". It was pretty distracting to me, because it didn't flow the way it ought to if the connection had been intentional, and otherwise sparked repetition. Another piece that was somewhat repetitive was in the third paragraph, where three sentences in a row started with the format, "The (noun)..."; you should try mixing things up a little there.

I was a bit confused by this piece: "... cold salty water fell from above, into his eyes and down his spine." The imagery this provokes is that the water is literally falling into the boy's eyes and down his spine at the same time - which is very hard to picture, given that those are opposite sides of the human body. You may need to rewrite this part to make it more clear what you wanted to express.

Things got a bit confusing in the seventh paragraph - when did his ears start bleeding? When had he opened his eyes again? And in the eighth paragraph, he opens his eyes again without ever having closed them. Then it's a dream, and he's woken... and the captain gives him a dagger that you said he'd already been given in the third paragraph...? I can't tell if there's some timeline jumping in there, or what, but I couldn't follow what was happening.

To repeat, though; I think that it is a strong scene, and an excellent way to open your story. It needs some clean-up and clarification, but once things have been laid out, you've got an amazing hook!

 

[kmtolan]

When it comes to narrative description, you do quite well. The trouble for me, is that you do "quite well" a bit too long - this thing is almost all narrative. We have props for characters - not being insulting here but when you use pronouns for all your characters instead of names - good chance you are not writing characters as much as moving props around. That's what I see happening here, and it distances the reader from caring about anyone.

Do you really need a prologue? Most folks don't, but just think they do. You have a wickedly good start to a novel in the storm, assuming you can do less "telling" and more "showing" and employ real characters.

A hook is vitally important in any story. You have only moments to grip your reader. This starts out with a goodly hook, but it doesn't have much of a sustaining barb as the narrative goes on and on without us being trapped and enchanted by the character themselves. As I said - you have props here. Not too gripping for me.

I would love to see this from the character's point of view, and for the character to have a name and both inner thoughts and outward dialog. Of course.

Potential is written all over this thing.

Kerry

 

[Ranke Lidyek]

MattC:
I like what I see here. Though I think you'll notice that people don't fully engage in the story until the "boy" comes into focus (about the mid-point with the "darkness"). Those people might not be able to point out exactly "why" the later parts work more for them. There is a reason.

Mainly, a compelling scene begins with the filter of character. You start off with "description" without context. Put us in the boy's skin straight away, THEN show the circumstance. Furthermore, a great opening answers 5 important questions as soon as possible--usually the greater the opening, the more quickly those questions are answered. It should take no more than 3 paragraphs to answer these: WHO, WHAT, WHERE, WHY, WHEN. Now, some of these can be self-evident. When you mention the ship and the oars, we have "where" and perhaps even "when". But most important here is the boy. What does he desire? What hope is being taken away? In this case, he wants to be "free". So, they are set at sea and now it's falling apart. If we know this crucial element from the start, as readers we can't help but empathize and every scenic detail will MATTER and have tension. We'll be invested. We'll want to see him succeed, to live.

Once the 5 w's are established, the next important elements in a scene are stimulus/internalization/response. Better put: every action should be spurred by an event. A great scene is a game of chess between your protagonist and his surroundings; move/strategy (including possible consequences of the wrong response--if they are not evident), then countermove. Keep your main character active, hoping, trying to make things go his way so he can attain his goal.

Point-of-view (POV) is also important. We should experience THROUGH your character's senses. Don't show us things he can't see or feel or touch. Keep us in his skin. Initially, you talk about the sea and the "men" and it's a bit out of the boy's perspective. Now, he can imagine the setting and the details above, remembering the horror he'd seen before they locked him in the cabin. But stay true to your POV.

Another important thing is to make EVERY word count. Don't say what you don't need to say. Any unnecessary word weighs down prose, pulls the reader away from living your story and makes them feel like they are "reading". We don't want that. To prevent this, focus on VERBS. Great, varied, vibrant verbs enhance prose. Whereas, adjectives and adverbs tend to burden it. Aim for only a couple adjectives a page and one adverb.

Word-fat alerts (delete the words in bold):

The wooden prison heaved and groaned with exertion.

The boy lay awake; his wide eyes darted about the cabin in terror.

Waging a failing battle to save not their ship, but their very lives. <==THIS IS "TELLING", NOT SHOWING. Better to keep things "in the moment" and SHOW a man heaving an oar, another man bailing water. As readers, we already sense the predicament. No need to "tell" us this. Especially since you do a beautiful job illustrating the scene in the rest of that same paragraph!

The boy began to shake uncontrollably (add: trembled), and covered his ears, vainly trying to block out that horrible song.

So, where would I start? Here:

The boy knew he was not alone. (INSERT: The sense of what he feels he's about to lose, the sense of hope abandoning him Where were they going? It was all supposed to be ok, etc. Then: setting/storm/ship) The darkness crawled, there were things in the room with him. They lurked in the corners, the cracks, under his heaving cot. Cold and wet things brushed against his exposed skin irritating the putrid grey growth, cold salty water fell from above, into his eyes and down his spine. Whimpering, the boy closed his eyes, and the darkness became total.

The man looked him over with fatherly concern. “Be calm my prince. Once we clear this storm, we’ll be free. Free. I gave you my word on that.” THIS is your character goal/intent. Important. Remember, answer as many of the 5 W's as possible in the first two paragraphs. We need this sooner, not later!

Hope this helps!

 

[Sterling13]

You definetely have a talent for writing, but I'm going to echo what others have said in this thread: it is a bit confusing at points. I believe that it stems mainly from the order of events.

I would start with the boy and work outward from there. Keep it confined to his POV.

 

[MattC]

Thanks to everybody for the comments and suggestions. This was only the first draft, so I wasn't expecting it to be perfect. When I finally get around to rewriting it, the 'boy" will be introduced at the beginning and it will be more clear that he is the POV character.

Thanks again.

 

[Russ Maggio]

Reader perspective

Enjoyable, descriptions of the scene were good, but maybe over done. Darkness came, but was never replaced by anything and came again twice. I know it is hard to scene read without story context. It did meet the criteria of making me want to read more. I personally like to use more of my imagination reading concise descriptions, that is what draws me in emotionally. You have talent. DO NOT STOP WRITING!