critique needed: opening scene

[fenriz]

i don`t know if this is the right place to post this, but here it is: the first scene of what i`m hoping would be my first novel. any criticism appreciated! please bear in mind that i`m a romanian that for the past year and a half have been living in france.

here it goes:
They darted out of the forest, tearing the white mist in long stripes, as if it were a shroud. Man and beast – made one in the thundering gallop – sped downhill towards the the village. The rider glanced behind him and seeing the green bulk of the forest, sank his spurs into the horse`s heaving flanks – small beads of blood started rolling down, mixing with the sweat and the dirt. Its mouth-bit was speckled with foam and its respiration chaotic, but still the stud kept a high pace, its hooves thumping the ground rhythmically, splashing through the puddles. Chunks of mud were flying behind them as they passed through the heart of the village. Houses, fences and barking dogs – they all blended into grayish, trembling lines that unreeled themselves at great speed on either side of the road.

 

[DougFarren]

They darted out of the forest, tearing the white mist in long stripes, as if it were a shroud. Man and beast – made one in the thundering gallop – sped downhill towards the the village. The rider glanced behind him and seeing the green bulk of the forest, sank his spurs into the horse`s heaving flanks – small beads of blood started rolling down, mixing with the sweat and the dirt. Its mouth-bit was speckled with foam and its respiration chaotic, but still the stud kept a high pace, its hooves thumping the ground rhythmically, splashing through the puddles. Chunks of mud were flying behind them as they passed through the heart of the village. Houses, fences and barking dogs – they all blended into grayish, trembling lines that unreeled themselves at great speed on either side of the road.

Are you planning on publishing this book in English? Not recommended unless you are VERY fluent in it. Your opening scene is okay but if I were writing it I would reword it as a first rewrite as follows (bear in mind I am NOT an English major, just an amateur writer):

They darted out of the forest, the white mist hanging in the air swirling behind them like a shroud refusing to be parted. Man and beast, flowing as one in a thundering gallop, speeding downhill toward the village. The rider glanced behind him seeing only the fading green of the forest. He sank his spurs into the horse`s heaving flanks puncturing the hide. Small threads of blood mixed with the sweat and the dirt. The mouth-bit was speckled with foam and the beast's breathing was chaotic. Spurred on by his rider, he kept up the high pace, hooves thumping the ground rhythmically, splashing through the puddles, chunks of mud flying behind as they passed through the heart of the village. Houses, fences and barking dogs all blended into grayish, trembling lines that unreeled themselves at great speed on either side of the road.

I am not good at reworking other's works - I'm afraid I might change too much of the meaning you are trying to convey. But, there is my first pass through it.

 

[Lotus_Meristem]

I liked it, it's very intense and the motion is really felt well. Maybe I'd break it into different lines like:

They darted out of the forest, tearing the white mist in long stripes, as if it were a shroud.
Man and beast , made one in the thundering gallop, sped downhill towards the the village. The rider glanced behind him and, seeing the green bulk of the forest, sank his spurs into the horse`s heaving flanks. Its mouth-bit was speckled with foam and its respiration chaotic, but still the stud kept a high pace, its hooves thumping the ground rhythmically, splashing through the puddles. Small beads of blood started rolling down, mixing with the sweat and the dirt.
Chunks of mud were flying behind them as they passed through the heart of the village. Houses, fences and barking dogs – they all blended into grayish, trembling lines that unreeled themselves at great speed on either side of the road.

But these are just suggestions - your style is your style and it's readable as it is now.

 

[N. E. White]

Hello Fenriz,

Keep in mind anything I offer is just my opinion. I'll comment directly in your piece below

They darted out of the forest, tearing the white mist in long stripes, as if it were a shroud. [The last phrase slows the action. Suggest: Darting out into the forest, they tore through the shrouding mist.] Man and beast – made one in the thundering gallop – sped downhill towards the the village. The rider glanced behind him and seeing the green bulk of the forest, sank his spurs into the horse`s heaving flanks – small beads of blood started rolling down, mixing with the sweat and the dirt.[Why would the forest make him spur the horse? Were the trees attacking?] Its [What it? The last it you mentioned was the blood. I know you mean the horse, but the 'it' gave me pause.] mouth-bit was speckled with foam and its respiration chaotic, but still the stud kept a high pace, its hooves thumping the ground rhythmically, splashing through the puddles. [Run on, passive sentence, suggest rewording to get rid of the 'was', maybe like this: Its mouth-bit speckled with foam, the stud drew in chaotic breaths as it kept a high pace. Its hooves thumped out an erratic rhythm as it splashed through puddles. Or something like that. FYI - the thumping and splashing are a bit at odds.] Chunks of mud were flying behind them as they passed through the heart of the village. [Another passive sentence. Suggest: Chunks of mud flew behind them as they passed through the heart of the village.] Houses, fences and barking dogs – they all blended into grayish, trembling lines that unreeled themselves at great speed on either side of the road. [Yikes. That last line is a mouth full. Remember this is action. You want our heart to beat as fast as that stud. I'd ax everything after 'lines'.]

I think you have a great start here. Very engaging. I wonder what would keep the rider going and not even stop to warn folks as he fled. It would be nice to know who the rider is, so you may want to introduce who he/she is up front.

Keep writing and don't worry about fixing stuff until you are done with the story.

Just my two cents worth.

 

[fenriz]

thanks to all of you for the good critique. truth is that i`ve writen that paragraph 3 months ago and since then i have learned soooo much about this craft by reading about it and by writing. i wanted to see if you had the same opinion about it as me (e.g. on what should be re-writen) and you do
so.... i best be getting back to writing.

 

[DougFarren]

One theme that seems to run common in the books I've recently finished reading on how to write better is to write your first draft without trying to edit it to death. If you do that you will never finish your first draft. Sit down, reread the last few paragraphs of what you last wrote (more if that's what it takes) then just plunge ahead. Save the serious editing for later. The goal of the first draft is to get the story on paper (or the electronic equivalent). You then go back and edit - often in several passes. As time goes on, you will naturally begin writing better and you will find that your editing is reduced.

Good luck!

 

[fenriz]

thanks Doug. i had the problem of re-re-re-re-writing and the progress was sloooow. now i just write and don`t care about style, grammar, etc. i`ve reached page 150 of the first draft and i hope i can keep this pace up until i`m finished with it.

 

[N.S. Barrett]

One theme that seems to run common in the books I've recently finished reading on how to write better is to write your first draft without trying to edit it to death. If you do that you will never finish your first draft. Sit down, reread the last few paragraphs of what you last wrote (more if that's what it takes) then just plunge ahead. Save the serious editing for later. The goal of the first draft is to get the story on paper (or the electronic equivalent). You then go back and edit - often in several passes. As time goes on, you will naturally begin writing better and you will find that your editing is reduced.

Good luck!

This is good advice.

From reading paragraph 1 I know that this level of detail can't be and shouldn't be sustained for 100k words. But rather than criticizing it for wordiness and urging a rewrite, it's probably going to get you where you want to go faster to just find a comfortable level of description that you can use down the stretch. I've been there myself.

Because really, it's obvious that you know how to write vivid description. You did really well in that here. The issues of how much to use and when are better approached in the context of the rest of the work.

But if you find yourself editing paragraph 1 again, I heard a writing teacher give it to me like this once: Don't describe how the bartender mixed the martini, what kind of glass it's in and whether it's shaken or stirred. Describe the olive. Then rely on the reader to use that one detail to create the image.

 

[fenriz]

yep, i totally agree wiht you N.S. it can`t and shouldn`t be sustained for 100k words. but i wanted to make it thus, to see if i can do it. the thing with the olive is absolutely great. hope i can put in practice some day!