Help Choosing My YA Sci-Fi Book Blurb

[mattwardwrites]

Hey guys, I am getting ready to fulfill my lifelong dream of being published author and take next steps on publishing Cynetic Wolf. Thanks for all the awesome feedback so far.

I'm trying to get the back cover copy and have 5 different options.

BTW. It's YA dystopian sci-fi, post-gene-editing...

Which do you like best and why?

What, if any, improvements would you make to each?

Thanks,

Matt

PS. If it wasn't okay to post this, please let me know. I honestly don't mean to be promotional or anything, just trying to get reader feedback from fellow sci-fi lovers!

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Blurb:

Raek Mekorian is wolfish, a member of the half-human animote caste that serve the cynetics and immortals rulers of the post-Bioplague world of 2096. Like other gene-edited mistakes, his life is meaningless, destined for whatever the all-powerful, techno-advanced Global Democratic Republic deems necessary.

“Keep your head down,” his mom always says. And he does, until his older sister is murdered and he discovers hidden cybernetic powers. Overnight his simple life is shattered, fracturing the rigid governmental caste system as he is thrust into the dangerous world of superhuman hit squads, Resistance uprisings, and secrets better left unsaid.

With only built-in blasters, the advice of advice of a mysterious professor, and a wolfish nose for trouble, Raek must navigate crushing betrayal, self-doubt, and a limitless enemy whose evil knows no bounds.

Can Raek unify his people and free them from tyranny? The fate of mankind may rest in his hands.

--

2.

What does it mean to be human in a post-gene-editing world where differences are more than skin deep?

Till now, Raek’s been your average half-human animote, a sixteen-year-old wolfish boy with keen eyes, claws and a nose for mischief. He lives in a slum-like town, studies what the tyrannical world government tells him and sees little future in the post-Bioplague world of 2096 ruled by immortal emulates and superhuman cyborgs.

But then his sister is murdered by a pair of city cyborgs and everything changes when he kills the elites and discovers hidden cybernetic powers. Forced to run, his existence an existential threat to the government’s caste system where crossbreeding is thought impossible, he’ll have to go from boy to Mandela-esque leader of the Resistance and fight to unify humanity once more. Is he up to it? Is it even possible? Or will the all-powerful police force, sadistic Minister of Security and an impossible truth be enough to crush the animotes’ once chance equality for good?

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3.

It's 2096, sixty years after ninety percent died from a man-made Bioplague. Humanity has splintered into four unequal subspecies: immortals, cyborgs, enhancers, and subservient animotes (the half-human, half-animal hybrids from The Experiments).

The world is anything but equal. Animotes everywhere are suffering, but sixteen-year-old Raek Mekorian, a wolfish with a nose for trouble doesn’t see any alternative. Except the Resistance, who didn’t stand a chance against the world government. And his mom always said, “Keep your head down.”

And he does, until his sister is murdered by a pair of city cyborgs. That changes everything, especially after he kills the elites and discovers hidden cybernetic powers in the process. But everyone knows interbreeding is impossible.

After a governmental hit squad descends on the town to “dispose of the evidence,” Raek’s forced to run, fight an all-powerful police force and decide whether he’s willing to destroy all of it to free his people.

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4.

What does it mean to be human in a post-gene-editing world where differences are more than skin deep? The story is a unique take on the hero’s journey, following Raek, a poor sixteen-year-old wolfish boy (i.e., possessing wolf-like traits and genes), and his status-quo upending struggle as the first mixed-breed human in history. Is he ready to go from boy to Mandela-esque leader to free his people from the immortal world government?

After the genetic experiments which created the half-human, half-animal hybrids in the first place, subsequent Bioplague and rise of the superhuman cyborgs, is humanity (whatever that entails at this point) ready to heal wounds that have long plagued the unequal society since interbreeding became impossible? Discovering hidden cybernetic powers and losing everyone he’s ever loved, Raek’s forced to run from the all-powerful police and decide whether or not to join the Resistance (whose leader murdered his mentor), all while battling the question of who and what he’s meant to be.

--

5.

Life sucked until his sister got murdered. Then things got interesting: hit squads, cybernetic powers, secrets better left unsaid. Raek’s your average sixteen-year-old wolfish: claws, keen eyes, a nose for trouble… There’s just one thing: he’s got built-in blasters and is a threat to the immortal world government. That’s why the Resistance wants him, and why the cyborgs want him dead.

But animotes (the half-human, half-animal hybrids, and subservient majority fighting for freedom) have no power. And crossbreeding is supposed to be impossible. Heck, Raek even doesn’t know who he can trust, or how he got the powers (which only cyborgs have) in the first place.

He knows one thing though: everyone is after him. Oh, and he’s not ready to lead a bloody revolution. But he might not have a choice. Is he up to it? Is it even possible? Or, is humanity too far gone to ever unify once more? Things are about to get bloody.

 

[kmtolan]

I gave it that fast scan as if walking the isle, grabbing the book, and reading it. Not looking for background explanations or other stuff - just something interesting. So, #5, though I'd drop the whole "animotes" for a straight forward "half-animal hybrids" and forget the parenthesis. Don't try and explain.

 

[Bagpuss]

Well, they all have different problems. A couple of them give away too much plot. You need to cut the passive verb in the first sentence of number 5. Passive verbs in blurbs or other sales copy don't really help you. Number 5 is probably the best one of those you have presented. It probably could do with less details, though. However, if you wanted to, you could try for something a bit punchier, like this:

"Life's tough in the post-bioplague world of 2096, but for Raek everything's pretty simple. He lives in a slum, does what he's told and is content that whatever his future holds, someone else will be making the decisions.

But then a pair of police cyborgs murder his sister and all hell breaks loose. Now Raek's on the run with a government hit squad hot on his heels. The simple life is over. Raek has some decisions to make, and those decisions will have a more profound impact on the future of humanity than he realises.

In his debut novel, Matt Ward explores what it means to be human in a world where the differences are more than just skin-deep."

It's shorter and has less detail, but in general terms less detail is more mystery and you do need to intrigue your potential readers to take another look at your novel.

 

[KatG]

You do have to be careful how you use your own jargon in descriptions because too much of it will just make browsers have no idea what you are talking about. You want something in this area, I would suggest, with the key details:


It's hard out there for a wolf.

In the aftermath of engineered plagues, gene wars and new species of humans, the animal-hybrids are the lowest of the low. Sixteen-year-old Raek keeps his head and claws down and just tries to survive in the slums those of his animote caste have no hope of leaving. But when his sister is gunned down, Raek discovers he possesses the same (organic) cyborg abilities as the police, something that's not supposed to be biologically possible.

Hunted by the government as an anomaly to be eliminated and wanted by a resistance movement seeking to overturn society's rigid caste system, Raek has no idea who to trust and where to flee. Neither his new cybernetics nor his wolf senses seem enough to save him from superhuman hit squads and immortal rulers. They certainly don't make him a leader. But in a world where he no longer seems to fit, he's going to have to solve the mystery of who he is -- if he can survive.

 

[mattwardwrites]

this is super helpful feedback. thanks guys!

it is a hard balance to achieve. i based a lot of my first blurb (#1)

off the one from Eragon:


One boy...
One dragon...
A world of adventure.

When Eragon finds a polished blue stone in the forest, he thinks it is the lucky discovery of a poor farm boy; perhaps it will buy his family meat for the winter. But when the stone brings a dragon hatchling, Eragon soon realizes he has stumbled upon a legacy nearly as old as the Empire itself.

Overnight his simple life is shattered, and he is thrust into a perilous new world of destiny, magic, and power. With only an ancient sword and tge advice of an old storyteller for guidance, Eragon and the fledgling dragon must navigate the dangerous terrain and dark enemies of an Empire ruled by a king whose evil knows no bounds.

Can Eragon take up the mantle of the legendary Dragon Riders? The fate of the Empire may rest in his hands.

—

Well, they all have different problems. A couple of them give away too much plot. You need to cut the passive verb in the first sentence of number 5. Passive verbs in blurbs or other sales copy don't really help you. Number 5 is probably the best one of those you have presented. It probably could do with less details, though. However, if you wanted to, you could try for something a bit punchier, like this:

"Life's tough in the post-bioplague world of 2096, but for Raek everything's pretty simple. He lives in a slum, does what he's told and is content that whatever his future holds, someone else will be making the decisions.

But then a pair of police cyborgs murder his sister and all hell breaks loose. Now Raek's on the run with a government hit squad hot on his heels. The simple life is over. Raek has some decisions to make, and those decisions will have a more profound impact on the future of humanity than he realises.

In his debut novel, Matt Ward explores what it means to be human in a world where the differences are more than just skin-deep."

It's shorter and has less detail, but in general terms less detail is more mystery and you do need to intrigue your potential readers to take another look at your novel.

what do you mean by passive verb/usage in #5?

also, i think this one fails to set the stage/scope of how big the conflict is/could be. thoughts?

—

WHAT ABOUT THIS NEW ONE:

Life sucked until his sister was murdered. Then things got interesting: hit squads, cybernetic powers, secrets better left unsaid.

Raek’s your average sixteen-year-old wolfish: claws, keen eyes, a nose for trouble… There’s just one thing: he’s got built-in blasters and is a threat to the immortal world government. That’s why the Resistance wants him, and why the cyborgs want him dead.

But the half-animal hybrid subservient majority have no power. And crossbreeding is supposed to be impossible. Heck, Raek even doesn’t know who he can trust, or how he got the cyborg powers in the first place.

He knows one thing though: everyone is after him, and he’s not ready to lead a revolution. But the fate of mankind may rest in his hands. Things are about to get bloody.

 

[phil_geo]

Further Songs Of Sorcelation, Part Four - Penny Arcade

Videogaming-related online strip by Mike Krahulik and Jerry Holkins. Includes news and commentary.

www.penny-arcade.com

You missed an enormous opportunity not calling them WOLFOIDS

 

[Bagpuss]

what do you mean by passive verb/usage in #5?

Ok, so I didn't think I'd have to explain the difference between the active and passive sentences, and I hope that I'm not about to offend you by explaining the difference, but you asked, so here we go.

In English, the main structure of a sentence is subject, verb and object. For example: "When Bill murdered Sarah, I was in the barn". Fairly simple and straightforward. Bill (the murderer) is the subject, "to murder" is the verb and the object (the person being murdered) is Sarah. Everything after the comma is something else. It is possible, however, to reverse the order in which the subject and the object appear in the sentence. The object of the sentence can be written first. In my example, it can be re-written as: "When Sarah was murdered by Bill, I was in the barn."

A passive sentence is basically any sentence in which the object of the sentence (the person to whom the verb is happening) comes before the subject of the sentence (the person who is doing the verb).

It is possible to take things a step further and drop the subject from the sentence entirely and say: "When Sarah was murdered, I was in the barn." In this sentence, there is no person to murder Sarah. We have no "Bill", we have no subject. We have an object (Sarah) a verb (to murder) but no subject. It's another type of passive sentence.

Back to your blurb.

The first sentence of your number 5 states: "Life sucked until his sister got murdered."

In this sentence the action (the verb) is the murder, the object of the action is the sister but there is no person who performs the action. There is no murderer. Therefore, there is no subject. It's a passive sentence.

In normal writing, this isn't a problem and I'm not saying that you should go through a manuscript to eliminate passive sentences, because that would be stupid. But in marketing copy, I would definitely advocate eliminating passive sentences because people (and by "people" I mean your potential readers) have the attention span of a small gnat. And it takes people longer to read and understand a passive sentence than it does to read an active sentence.

If your book is in a bookstore, then readers are going to pick up your book, read your blurb in a few seconds and then put your book down and move on. If you want people to pause and look at your book for longer than it takes to read the back copy, then you must give your potential readers a reason for looking at the book. You must answer the question they have in their heads, which is: "Why should I read this book?" as opposed to any other. Passive sentences encourage your readers to give up, because they take longer to read. In fact, anything that extends a blurb longer than a few hundred words is going to lose readers.

also, i think this one fails to set the stage/scope of how big the conflict is/could be. thoughts?

I'm assuming you're referring to your blurb 5 in this comment.

The problem with your thinking is that you know what happens in the story and you know how the story ends. Your readers don't know any of this. And they don't want to know They want to read the story and find out. So you need to resist the urge to spoil the story for them in the blurb.

It's like in the movies where the trailer has all the good bits in it and after you watch the movie you realise that you didn't need to watch the whole two-and-a-half-hour film for the 7 minutes that were actually the story and it didn't get any better than the trailer. Don't tell the readers the story in the blurb. Don't be like the movies

 

[KatG]

I hate to tell you this, Bagpuss, but in cover copy they don't give a hang about passive voice versus active voice. And you do have to tell readers the set-up for the novel in the cover blurb. If you're too vague, then they're confused and uninterested. It's like a trailer that is blurry and out of focus.

But you also have to not use jargon that makes sense only if you read the novel unless you provide real world context in the blurg. "Wolfish" used as a noun -- jargon. What does it mean? What are cybernetic powers? What are built-in blasters? Built in where? What does cross-breeding mean and if it's impossible, how are there are animal-human hybrids (cross-breeding)? Did he hate his sister so he's glad that she got murdered? What does cross-breeding have to do with cyborgs, (which in the real world we see as people who are surgically given machine parts, not born with them)?

You have to tell them what type of world it is so they get a sense of what you are talking about. So it might help you to look at the cover/flap copy for series that have a similar set-up to yours such as Divergent, Maze Runner, Hunger Games, etc. where it's a society divided into factions. For instance, Divergent flat out says at the beginning of the cover copy: society is divided into five factions and lists them, then presents the initial dilemma of the main character and that she's carrying a secret. So you may need to start by saying in this society there are four castes and list them. Then say the main character is in the low one and that his sister is murdered and he discovers he has abilities that only cyborgs are supposed to have, and then he's on the run, etc.

You don't have to give the full story but you do have to tell them what the main character is actually dealing with -- and why they should be interested. And in science fiction and fantasy where the real world is substantially changed, you have to explain that changed world at a basic level. We joke about movie trailer voiceovers going "In a world where...." but they do regularly do that for science fiction and fantasy novels set in alternate worlds to tell readers here's what the world is as opposed to a standard thriller or a family drama.