March 2010 Flash Fiction Contest - Voting Thread A

[DailyRich]

This is the first of two voting threads for the March 2010 Flash Fiction contest. You can vote for up to three stories total over both threads. You may not vote for a story more than once. Please try to leave some comments on each story, either here or in the individual story threads. Good luck to all of this month's entrants!

Petals of Madness (Madness) by Brenda Pernack (venustar)

Expendable Expenditure (Calculation) by Solaar

Eldarion Whargahn (Luck) by marshwriter

A Tangled Web We Weave (Renewal) by Christopher Alen (Fung Koo)

The Life of Younger Men (Betrayal) by Gustaf Hagel (imaster)

Demons (Madness) by Daddy Darth

The First (Calculation) by Andrew Davis (bobnagga)

 

[Daddy Darth]

I made the A thread - what a trip.

15 entries - not to bad.

 

[DailyRich]

In the interest of full disclosure...

I just went through the main thread for the contest and sorted the stories by category in the order they were posted. Then when I made the threads, I just took the first story in each category, then started over until I had seven stories for the A thread. Did the same for the B thread, except I tossed in Hereford's story since I missed it and separated the final two Calculation stories since they would have been back to back if I hadn't.

If I'd planned it out better, I could have done brackets for each category and then a final with the winner from each one, but it was too late in the game to spring that.

 

[N. E. White]

I very much enjoyed all the entries this month. Everyone submitted some very fine writing.

Here are my favorites (in no particular order):
The Numbers Game
Better Lucky Than Good
Tetched
Day One
Petals of Madness
Tangled Web We Weave
Demons

And my votes go to...

Demons
Petals of Madess
Better Lucky Than Good

Again, all awesome entries. There was no clear winner. Thank you everyone for some enjoyable reading.

 

[Daddy Darth]

The A thread thing is just a little joke for me b/c I had been in the B thread 5 months running.

Thanks TM for the vote and to the other one of you my thanks also. There is a way to see who voted is there not?

 

[venustar]

Woot, game on!

I've read a few of the entries already, and have been thoroughly impressed.

 

[SuperFede]

OK, I read all the stories and loved them.

The usual disclaimer: I will offer my opinions, that are just that. Opinions. They are meant to be contructive.

I will try and offer a more detailed crit on each of the threads if I can find the time to do so.

Petals of Madness By Brenda Pernack

Very nicely told. I liked very much the sadness described throughout the story. I didn't quite understood why the doctor did what he did. And I think that, for me, made the end a little confusing. I was waiting for something a little more shocking.


Expendable Expenditure by solaar

Great, from begining to end. Can't say i saw it coming, but it produced the shock anyway. Very nice dialogue.

Eldarion Whargahn (Luck) by marshwriter

Can't say i liked this one. Not that I find much bad about it, but just didn't enjoy it. I particularly don't like a lot of world building in stories this short. I get easily lost in all the names and places for a 1k long story. I would have liked it to keep it more simple. IMO you don't have to tell us all the story or the background, just get us into the story and be done with it. The rest is just fat that can be cut off withour hurting your actual story. Use that wordcount instead for describing in more detail the action or feelings of your character.


A Tangled Web We Weave (Renewal) by Christopher Alen (Fung Koo)

This one is good. My only complaint is that I had to read it over a few times to really get it. Your message got through but with some dificulty.

The Life of Younger Men (Betrayal) by Gustaf Hagel (imaster)

Good story, nice dialogue. For some reason it seemed too long. I kind of got bored around the middle of it. It was like I lost focus, or rather the story didn't hook me enough.


Demons (Madness) by Daddy Darth

Very good. Really liked this one a lot. I always like some insanity mixed with more religious insanity. I specially liked how you describe your characters feelings how he responds to the whole situation. And now I too need a drink.


The First (Calculation) by Andrew Davis (bobnagga)

Funny!!!! jejejejejeje. I had a good laugh with this one. On the story itself, when i finished reading it I had this strange feeling that something was missing. Can't really say what. Perhaps some more describing of the room and the actual robot....

 

[venustar]

Petals of Madness By Brenda Pernack

Very nicely told. I liked very much the sadness described throughout the story. I didn't quite understood why the doctor did what he did. And I think that, for me, made the end a little confusing. I was waiting for something a little more shocking.

Since when does madness make any sense?

I was going for mad-doctor-mercy-serial-killer. Doctor kills based on perceived notions of his patient's suffering. Can't heal 'em? Might as well kill 'em! He would have said it much more eloquently than I.

 

[bobnagga]

Petals of madness

So was the doc an inmate or what? Anyways, It was good, a little slow for my action-movie roots, but hey, it takes all kinds and you certainly have some talent to be exploited, preferably by yourself, though...

Expendable expenditures

That's cool. I hope you DO put up the whole thing. Heh. I AM THE ACCOUNTANT! HEAR ME ROAR!!!! Good stuff!

Eldarion Whargahn

I almost didn't write anything down for this one 'cos I had to keep looking back for the spelling... But it's the start of something big, clearly, and it leaves you wanting more. At least it did me.

A tangled web we weave

I have no idea what happened in this story. None whatsoever. Doesn't mean I didn't enjoy the narration, It needs that explanation, though. What worked, for the love of god? But it's excellent storytelling that if it were allowed to continue, that explanation I need would probably be given, huh?

The life of younger men

It's good. I don't say as I agree with the comments that suggest shortening the dialogue between brothers. It seems that if you did that it would cheapen the betrayal, which is the entire point of the story, no? Solid stuff.

Demons

Man, this place is brimming with talent. I'd like to see if this is a part of a larger piece, like... But even as it is, it's a solid standalone that fully explains everything in a self contained manner and you're not like "What?" ya know?

The first

I'd really love to stand here and give an impartial critique, but something tells me it just wouldn't work out for me... Thanks for the feedback in the thread itself and here, too!

 

[SuperFede]

Since when does madness make any sense?

I was going for mad-doctor-mercy-serial-killer. Doctor kills based on perceived notions of his patient's suffering. Can't heal 'em? Might as well kill 'em! He would have said it much more eloquently than I.

Oh, i thought it was the mad-doctor-serial-killer. Without the mercy part. I think a knife through the back should be rather painfull. It would be more harmless some sleeping pill (or may be a lot of sleeping pills) or something like that.

anyway. I did like the story.

 

[Lazers]

Personally, I really enjoyed 'Demons'. Great story, made for an enjoyable read.

 

[Gustaf Hagel]

My votes go to:

Petals of Madness -- For its incredibly beautiful and melancholic language.

The Numbers Game -- For its Order of the Stick-esque plot and writing.

A Tangled Web We Weave -- For its action and ability to make me want to know more. Reminded me of Lovecraft's From Beyond.

 

[Solaar]

I can't wait to read all these stories, starting tonight!! I gotta work in a bit, but I'm thinking of dusting off my old printer so I can take all your guys stories to work with me!!

Solaar
looking forward to them

 

[Sterling13]

Well, I didn't like missing out on the flash contest this month... so, while I may not have entered, I was more than happy to check out the entries.

My thoughts:

Petals of Madness by Brenda Pernack
Absolutely lovely prose. The description of the girl underneath the cherry tree through the beating of Dr. Clark’s heart had me captivated.

Perhaps I am missing something (or perhaps a name is merely a name), but I keep wondering about the name of “Dr. Clark”. Some meaning there?

Completely irrelevant nit pick - I don't like the title.

A contender.

Expendable Expenditure by Solaar
The first sentence seems to run on a tad too long.

I really like the exchange between the two – the dialogue flows well, and the two sides are presented quite clearly. I think you could have done away with the fact that Mullryne was about to be replaced. It’s unnecessary… and makes Traskin revealing his plans seem odd. I realize, as you mention – it’s his word against Mullryne’s… but why even discuss it?

Eldarion Whargahn by Marshwriter
The opening did not flow well for me – the word “forest” was used in each of the first five sentences, and caused me to stumble a bit.

This sentence leaves far too many questions – ‘He fought off a second Khalvér that tried to attack from the side…’ How? How does the Khalver attack? Does he fight him off with his sword or his magic?

All told, you have some very nice worldbuilding here, and a smattering of interesting concepts and ideas… but the piece feels far too cramped in its flash fiction form. Perhaps you could have cut a few concepts and a little bit of the backstory in favor of fleshing out a few others (as much as a flash piece would allow).

A Tangled Web We Weave by Christopher Alen
A random nit – For someone near catatonic (and without vision), this section seems odd, starting with ‘Sula returned from the sink briskly…’ and ending with …’shook him by the shoulders, gently -- then not.’ That’s too much detail for a man in Jones’ state, and instead seems to be a brief trip into Sula’s POV.

Ah – I see one or two more POV switches in the piece later, so this may have been intentional. Still, I’m not a huge fan of head hopping in pieces as short as flash.

All in all, you’ve got a wonderfully original piece (as usual) but I’m left with a real head scratcher (as usual). I always, always enjoy the strange little places you take me with your stories, but I still think you’re holding too many cards.

The Life of Younger Men by Gustaf Hagel
I was a little confused with ‘who was saying what to who’ during the original exchange. Why open the dialogue with the tag ‘one of the men’ and not just give him a name right there? There is also the line stating ‘as the men strode out’, yet, a sentence later, you find that one old general has not, and a few paragraphs later, you find that Renald remains in the tent as well.

I also have a nit to pick with the plot. Nit #1 – Guillere asks Renald to stay for a cup of wine… shouldn’t Renald be asking to stay so he can poison Guillere’s drink? Nit #2 – Guillere is actually arguing that they should give up and end the war, while Renald encourages him to press on. Based on the ending, I would think that Guillere should be steadfast in his want to pursue the war, and its Renald who cannot convince him otherwise (thus leading to the betrayal).

There are some good lines here, and I rather like the ending, but the above reasons are not letting me fully enjoy it.

Demons by Daddy Darth
Given the backstory we gain later, the line ‘How did she drown in that?’ feels odd. From what his son has witnessed, I would assume he would immediately expect that his dad had killed her.

I struggled a little with the opening few paragraphs, but then really got into it with the line ‘”She burning in Hell you know, son’. I wonder if there’s a way to make this the opening line to the story, and fill in the rest after.

All in all I did enjoy it, and for the imagery it evokes from his memories as a child alone, it makes my list of contenders.

The First By Andrew Davis (bobnagga)
I love the last two lines – but their comical tone doesn’t fit with the rest of the piece. Actually, I would have like to have seen this humor injected a little more into the piece – the product would have been something quite different. Instead, I’m afraid, I found little going on – just a man and a boy turning on a robot. The revelations and discussions of how the robot functioned weren’t quite enough for me.

Petals of Madness and Demons make my final list from thread A... now on to B!

 

[DailyRich]

My votes went to Petals of Madness for the poetry of the language and Better Lucky Than Good and The Numbers Game for the sheer cleverness of their stories. Good stuff from everyone this month!

 

[Daddy Darth]

Some really great entries this month. Sorry if I did not leave too much feedback for people but I tried to say something on each of the story threads.
That being said I am not going to do a rehash this month. I will try to do more next month.

So onto votes.

Petals of madness b/c it was beautiful and evocative and captured madness so well. Not to mention great writing.

Tetched b/c it was such a great and well written story. So creatively imagined and perfectly delivered.

Better Lucky than Good also a well written and entertaining story from beginning to end. Great job.

HE and Zach came so close this month.

Cheers all - see ya next month.

 

[Solaar]

I didn't realise you had to do all the voting in one go. Is there anyway I can cast my second vote after having already cast one and hit the 'vote' button???

Solaar
the do-nut

 

[Daddy Darth]

I ran into that issue a few months ago. I said D'oh a lot. I believe only the almighty DR or a former victor may be able to answer that one.

 

[Solaar]

Thanks Darth - can someone pop me in a vote for 'The First' then please??

Solaar
doh-nut

 

[venustar]

Expendable Expenditure (Calculation) by Solaar
Nice. The bad guy gets his in the end. I like your wit and I think you do dialogue well.
Good job! Can’t wait to read the unedited version. 

Eldarion Whargahn (Luck) by marshwriter
This is beautifully written. Bursting at the seams, even. I read in the comments of your piece that this is a world you’ve created with the hopes of using it for your work? I hope so, because I’d love to read more pieces in this setting.

A Tangled Web We Weave (Renewal) by Christopher Alen (Fung Koo)
Wow. I um…don’t know what to say about this! It is very visual, very cool, but I’m left with more confusion than anything else. Now I can take the theme, Renewal, and apply that to what I’ve taken from the story, and what I come up with is… regeneration? Scientists doing sciency regeneration experiments on each other? But what’s up with the mole? What am I missing??
Help me out here, Fung. I want to like this story!!

The Life of Younger Men (Betrayal) by Gustaf Hagel (imaster)
I enjoyed your entry, imaster! There were a few grammar issues that have already been brought up, so I won’t go there. But overall, I think it’s a solid tale and a good take on your theme.
Good job!

Demons (Madness) by Daddy Darth
I really liked what you did with this piece, DD. It was tight, with just the right amount of implied madness. It is one of my favorites and will get my vote.

The First (Calculation) by Andrew Davis (bobnagga)
An entertaining piece. As a bona-fide otaku, I liked your reference to anime. Mecha isn’t exactly my cup of tea, but I identify with the mention nonetheless.
I had to grin at your last two lines.