Fung Koo
>:-| Angry Beaver |-:<
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March 2010 Flash Fiction Contest - Voting Thread A
- Thread starter DailyRich
- Start date
Hereford Eye
Just Another Philistine
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Petals of Madness, Brenda Pernack
The madness displayed rings true. As earlier commented, the phrase ‘no, these hands will free her.’ has a satisfying chill to it. There is a complete story in a 1000 words so that the story ought to be a contender.
What may cost you a vote is that you suffer from a plague of commas, they keep appearing in places they are not required. It’s what they do, I know, but the closer I pear at the words the more those damned commas shine.
Then, I ponder this sentence: “I lit through with an inextinguishable flame.” It makes sense and it doesn’t. It fits with the madness but it doesn’t. It has a poetic feel to it that the rest of his dialogue doesn’t. So, I ponder this sentence.
Expendable Expenditures, Solaar
Thought-provoking take on calculations. Giving the current economy and the Draconian measures my home state proposes to reduce its deficit, the motivation of the villain and the justification for that motivation ring very true. OTOH, we have a society removing its mass killers to an orbiting space station with very damned little hope of escape. Why are we doing that? This orbiting prison seems an unlikely place for rehabilitation so it must be an attempt to avoid the behavior that put the inmates into the prison. Does that make a whole lot of sense? Disregarding the philosophical, the story plays well though the resolution seems a bit contrived. Shouldn’t the warden be a bit concerned about what happens next?
Eldarion Whargahn, Marshwriter
Strong world building and a decent introduction to it in this battle scene. A complete story though it begs at thousand questions but that is what flash fiction can do so, for me, this isn’t a disqualifier. All the questions I had originally remain and a few new ones have been generated, not the least of which is: so, the bad guys defeated lose their magic making them subject to attack by the Shadow? Word of that gets around, isn’t the bad guy going to have a hell of a morale problem?
There is one little nit that attacks my personal bias. The hero knows he is flawed and spends a lot of time worrying about it. I prefer flawed heros who have no clue but only gradually discover their weakness. A good hero for me is Pippin in TLotR. Nothing you can do about my personal bias.
A Tangled Web We Weave, Christopher Alen
When first we practice to deceive, correct? The question then becomes where the deception lies: ante- or post-mole? I cannot decide but I can relate to the notion that everything is connected making it impossible to be certain of what precise space/time locus one might occupy. I confess to an inability to define what it is you were after but, given that failure on my part, I can still appreciate the tale as it stands in my limited comprehension. Appreciate and admire.
The Life of Younger Men, Gustav Hagel
Coming from Australia, I assume English is not a second language for you though I concede it might well be. There are some usages in this tale, e.g., the difference between conscience and consciousness, that need editing. The tale itself fits the theme well fully explaining the villain and the villain’s motivation. Nice entry.
Demons, Daddy Darth
This may be why I don’t read horror. You captured the natured of the mad, driven by their unassailable logic, their own explanations for things they do not approve, and they act on them. What rings most true is the guilt that suddenly washes the son and then the dismissal of that guilt. Want to vote for this one.
The First, Andrew Davis
I truly admire the ending. I also admire the robot’s explanation for not accepting the safety protocols. In fact, I admire the story. I’m just not certain sending the assistant off to build a safer model will work. Why would the next one not react the same way The First did? Want to vote for this one.
I'm Out-of-Pocket using a borrowed machine. It may be a day or two before I get to voting.
The madness displayed rings true. As earlier commented, the phrase ‘no, these hands will free her.’ has a satisfying chill to it. There is a complete story in a 1000 words so that the story ought to be a contender.
What may cost you a vote is that you suffer from a plague of commas, they keep appearing in places they are not required. It’s what they do, I know, but the closer I pear at the words the more those damned commas shine.
Then, I ponder this sentence: “I lit through with an inextinguishable flame.” It makes sense and it doesn’t. It fits with the madness but it doesn’t. It has a poetic feel to it that the rest of his dialogue doesn’t. So, I ponder this sentence.
Expendable Expenditures, Solaar
Thought-provoking take on calculations. Giving the current economy and the Draconian measures my home state proposes to reduce its deficit, the motivation of the villain and the justification for that motivation ring very true. OTOH, we have a society removing its mass killers to an orbiting space station with very damned little hope of escape. Why are we doing that? This orbiting prison seems an unlikely place for rehabilitation so it must be an attempt to avoid the behavior that put the inmates into the prison. Does that make a whole lot of sense? Disregarding the philosophical, the story plays well though the resolution seems a bit contrived. Shouldn’t the warden be a bit concerned about what happens next?
Eldarion Whargahn, Marshwriter
Strong world building and a decent introduction to it in this battle scene. A complete story though it begs at thousand questions but that is what flash fiction can do so, for me, this isn’t a disqualifier. All the questions I had originally remain and a few new ones have been generated, not the least of which is: so, the bad guys defeated lose their magic making them subject to attack by the Shadow? Word of that gets around, isn’t the bad guy going to have a hell of a morale problem?
There is one little nit that attacks my personal bias. The hero knows he is flawed and spends a lot of time worrying about it. I prefer flawed heros who have no clue but only gradually discover their weakness. A good hero for me is Pippin in TLotR. Nothing you can do about my personal bias.
A Tangled Web We Weave, Christopher Alen
When first we practice to deceive, correct? The question then becomes where the deception lies: ante- or post-mole? I cannot decide but I can relate to the notion that everything is connected making it impossible to be certain of what precise space/time locus one might occupy. I confess to an inability to define what it is you were after but, given that failure on my part, I can still appreciate the tale as it stands in my limited comprehension. Appreciate and admire.
The Life of Younger Men, Gustav Hagel
Coming from Australia, I assume English is not a second language for you though I concede it might well be. There are some usages in this tale, e.g., the difference between conscience and consciousness, that need editing. The tale itself fits the theme well fully explaining the villain and the villain’s motivation. Nice entry.
Demons, Daddy Darth
This may be why I don’t read horror. You captured the natured of the mad, driven by their unassailable logic, their own explanations for things they do not approve, and they act on them. What rings most true is the guilt that suddenly washes the son and then the dismissal of that guilt. Want to vote for this one.
The First, Andrew Davis
I truly admire the ending. I also admire the robot’s explanation for not accepting the safety protocols. In fact, I admire the story. I’m just not certain sending the assistant off to build a safer model will work. Why would the next one not react the same way The First did? Want to vote for this one.
I'm Out-of-Pocket using a borrowed machine. It may be a day or two before I get to voting.
venustar
Lost in Devaland
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Solaar
The Good
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Thanks for the critique, Mrs Boulton!! As always, appreciated... but I must add that I was under the impression that 'flash fiction' was an impromptu display of story-telling skills and the idea was to have a little... fun? I praise you on your ability to point out our deficiencies and welcome anything that helps me to become a better writer, as I'm sure do the others, but - am I allowed to say it? - sometimes I wonder if you can be a little too pedantic? Please, please don't take that as an insult, I mean no harm, honestly!!!
Add to that the fact I have only dipped in and out of the forums sporadically over the last couple of years and I may have missed the point on the whole ff-scene, and if that is the case then I apologise whole-heartedly and hopefully the door won't hit me in the ass on the way out ;-) but I bear no, malice, HE!!
Back to my story and your words on it.
The reason that the low-lives are situated approx 200miles in orbit above our heads (years from now) is because of the (assumed) high populace that will seize the earth years from now. indeed, it is happening as we speak!!
In my story I also state that the death penalty has been abolished, and if I had been allowed more words I would have divulged that the men and women who will never see freedom again are packed off into The Octopus to see out their days in prison.
It's by no means a farfetched idea. I live on an island where some of the worst criminals in the world were housed in three maximum security prisons (since downgraded due to escapees!). The reason Parkhurst, Camp Hill and Albany were built on an island (also, Alcatraz) was to deter the thought and process of escape by giving the criminals less of an incentive! So all i have done in my tale is move it into the future, and now the island has become a space station.
You mention that there is 'damned little hope of escape'. Is that tongue-in-cheek...? Why would a prison have a means of escape...? Or am I missing the point here!! ;-)
Re: The Warden's seeming lack of caring about the repercussions of whatever happened after he'd left the room, well, The Octopus is his home and where they are in orbit nobody cares about them... except the moneymen. Again, I'm boring everyone when I say I had to cut a sizable chunk from my tale to fit restrictions and requirements, but I did have a line that finished the original tale off where Mullryne says to secretary/cleaning-bot/whoever to inform the authorities that a prisoner escaped and killed the Governor. But that would have diminished the ending (I feel) so I had to cut it down slightly, so I do see your point.
Anyway, HE - I pray you don't take anything I say above as derogatory or disrespectful, but I feel that there needs to be a little freedom in our missives, but this could be me. But if I started writing tales and making sure that all of the little gaps were filled and water-tight then it would seem as if I was writing essays again! And I've had enough of them lately, and have to return to them again soon...
I like to write for fun, as I'm sure you do. For exmaple, while reading your story I plain and simply enjoyed it!!But that's maybe because you write a lot tighter than I do!! lol
I have to work now. The drunks are calling and need their taxi-man at beck and call.
Feel free to hammer me if I deserve it ;-)
Solaar
just had to say
Petals of Madness by Venustar
Wow - this is my favorite of this month's entries. I love the way the lyrical mood is sustained.
Expendable Expenditure by Solaar
Entertaining and thought-provoking. A topic that will generate a divided response - except that everyone hates accountants.
Eldarion Whargahn by Marshwriter
While I like the mood captured here, I find the multiple names confusing without context. As part of a longer work, I'm sure this would be no problem. In 1000 words, it detracts from the story.
A Tangled Web We Weave by Christopher Alen
Nice prose, but I really would like a better idea of what's supposed to have just happened. And that single 'Sula thought' jarred.
The Life of Younger Men by Gustaf Hagel
I found myself rereading trying to follow the dialogue and who said what. Apart from that minor hiccup, I thought it was nicely done.
Demons by Daddy Darth
Neat story and beautifully written as always. I found myself anticipating the ending a little too soon, but appreciated the evocation of madness.
The First By Andrew Davis
Mad scientist creates monster with uneducated helper - sounds familiar?
I don't know whether the old-fashioned style was deliberate, but it reminded me of stuff from the 1940s and '50s.
Wow - this is my favorite of this month's entries. I love the way the lyrical mood is sustained.
Expendable Expenditure by Solaar
Entertaining and thought-provoking. A topic that will generate a divided response - except that everyone hates accountants.
Eldarion Whargahn by Marshwriter
While I like the mood captured here, I find the multiple names confusing without context. As part of a longer work, I'm sure this would be no problem. In 1000 words, it detracts from the story.
A Tangled Web We Weave by Christopher Alen
Nice prose, but I really would like a better idea of what's supposed to have just happened. And that single 'Sula thought' jarred.
The Life of Younger Men by Gustaf Hagel
I found myself rereading trying to follow the dialogue and who said what. Apart from that minor hiccup, I thought it was nicely done.
Demons by Daddy Darth
Neat story and beautifully written as always. I found myself anticipating the ending a little too soon, but appreciated the evocation of madness.
The First By Andrew Davis
Mad scientist creates monster with uneducated helper - sounds familiar?
I don't know whether the old-fashioned style was deliberate, but it reminded me of stuff from the 1940s and '50s.
Gustaf Hagel
Formerly imaster
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Thank you all for your critique and nice words! I will try to comment on all of your stories in turn but it might still be a couple of days though—those I voted for are in this and the other thread.
I´m actually Swedish in Australia to study business and events management so English is my second language. I haven´t written any kind of fiction in English since high school (ten years ago) and the writing courses I´ve taken since have all been aimed at business. I asked my trainer about the punctuation and quotation marks and it seems that the way I wrote it was the non-fiction, Australian/UK way of doing it (punctuations outside of the quotes) and not as it is done in fiction.
However, since all this (and the 'conscience'-thing too) came up after the deadline, I have not edited it.
If there are other word-, phrasing- or grammar mistakes I might have done, please let me know.
I´m actually Swedish in Australia to study business and events management so English is my second language. I haven´t written any kind of fiction in English since high school (ten years ago) and the writing courses I´ve taken since have all been aimed at business. I asked my trainer about the punctuation and quotation marks and it seems that the way I wrote it was the non-fiction, Australian/UK way of doing it (punctuations outside of the quotes) and not as it is done in fiction.
However, since all this (and the 'conscience'-thing too) came up after the deadline, I have not edited it.
If there are other word-, phrasing- or grammar mistakes I might have done, please let me know.
Hereford Eye
Just Another Philistine
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I just provide my reactions. If you disagree or think I've missed the point, that is your privilege and right. Feel free to ignore anything I might say as I have nothing to gain by engaging in an argument over my reactions nor do I believe that I am the world's finest critiquer or that I have any particular expertise in flash fiction.Solaar said:
marshwriter
Marshwriter
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- Apr 21, 2008
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- 59
Good grief! Time has really run away with me this month!Thanks to all the critique so far, I really appreciate it.
I will be posting my two cents' worth sometime today...
jzx9rninja
Registered User
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- Apr 14, 2009
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- 77
ffc
long time no see...write...read... i tried to get in this month, but like someone else, cant remember who it was, my job and my newborn leave me little time for myself.
i did find time to read, however, and it was a joy.
Petals of Madness by Venustar
beautifully written. it was the evil surrounded by all the elegance that really got to me.
Expendable Expenditure by Solaar
ohhh, how many times have i wanted to do the same thing. very nice story.
Eldarion Whargahn by Marshwriter
sorry but i gotta jump on the bandwagon. while i like the imagery, it was so much for such a short piece. but i know where you are coming from. all of my past entries have been set in the world of my wip.
A Tangled Web We Weave by Christopher Alen
i liked it and i GOT it. the sula pov gave me a stutter, but on the whole a great read.
The Life of Younger Men by Gustaf Hagel
nice story. in my opinion, with a few cuts, the flow would have been better and would have added to the ending.
Demons by Daddy Darth
good pace. great ending. well done.
The First by Andrew Davis
good writing, the last line was great.
long time no see...write...read... i tried to get in this month, but like someone else, cant remember who it was, my job and my newborn leave me little time for myself.
i did find time to read, however, and it was a joy.Petals of Madness by Venustar
beautifully written. it was the evil surrounded by all the elegance that really got to me.
Expendable Expenditure by Solaar
ohhh, how many times have i wanted to do the same thing. very nice story.
Eldarion Whargahn by Marshwriter
sorry but i gotta jump on the bandwagon. while i like the imagery, it was so much for such a short piece. but i know where you are coming from. all of my past entries have been set in the world of my wip.
A Tangled Web We Weave by Christopher Alen
i liked it and i GOT it. the sula pov gave me a stutter, but on the whole a great read.
The Life of Younger Men by Gustaf Hagel
nice story. in my opinion, with a few cuts, the flow would have been better and would have added to the ending.
Demons by Daddy Darth
good pace. great ending. well done.
The First by Andrew Davis
good writing, the last line was great.
venustar
Lost in Devaland
- Joined
- Oct 16, 2009
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- 283
Sterling, I meant to answer you and I completely forgot! No, there is no meaning behind Dr. Clark's name. Just a name I plucked from the air.
...or maybe I had a psychiatrist by that name once...
@jzx9rninja- you live in Japan? Oh how I envy youuu!
...or maybe I had a psychiatrist by that name once...
@jzx9rninja- you live in Japan? Oh how I envy youuu!
Sterling13
Registered User
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- Feb 9, 2009
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- 616
Sterling, I meant to answer you and I completely forgot! No, there is no meaning behind Dr. Clark's name. Just a name I plucked from the air.
Ah - perhaps I was reading too far into the story - I thought the character of Dr. Clark was the grim reaper. That's why I was wondering about the name.
marshwriter
Marshwriter
- Joined
- Apr 21, 2008
- Messages
- 59
What a wonderful hodgepodge of fiction this month! I must say that it was quite difficult to choose those that I’m voting for. Though this month has completely run away with me and I am not able to give as much comments as I would like, I truly hope to do better next month… (touch wood)
Petals of Madness
I was truly touched when I first read this flash piece. It was very well executed (no pun intended) and I loved your use of the theme of the petals.
DemonsThis was truly a chilling tale about twisted faith. Gave me the Goosebumps and definitely a contender as well…
The First
I liked this one, though I think it would have read easier if it was a longer work. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t understand why the robot wants to kill from the get go?
Day One
A nice one – though I don’t understand something – if everyone started using the Mywot at different times, shouldn’t the poisoning have also started at different times and not all at once? Should there had been an acute built-up of the toxin?
A Perfect Fit
I liked the use of intertext in this piece, but I would like to know what kind of creature “Alice” really was and her ‘true form’…
A Natural Error
A creepy and cool one, I’ll give you that!
“It’s going to cure everything that ever ailed the human race. Including the human race itself.”
Yip, just have to look at the news of the past week to wonder if that’s such a bad idea…
Just one question… If the predators give birth to mutants that finally become the other creature – are there some of those mutants on the planet as well? How did they find out about the mutants?
Tetched
I liked this one – but the poor Rothen! I feel sorry for him for carrying all those books around everywhere. But, then again, I may be imagining them bigger that you did…
A big thank you to all the helpful comments on my piece – it also showed up some parts that I thought I had explained enough, but clearly had not. For instance, when Eldarion cuts off the Khalvér from the magic their using and leaving them to face the Shadow; he’s leaving them without the power that had been given to them as servants of the Shadow. They had given up their Talent for the dark magic of the Shadow, but, when cut off, is left to face a very angry master… Therefore, though Eldarion cuts off the Khalvér, he doesn’t leave them for the Shadow, as they are already servants of the Shadow.
But, yes, I do see that I have given too much information in this short piece and that has really given me something to work at. I am thrilled at the positive feedback about the world building and think I will try my hand at another tale from this world in the near future…
Marsh
Petals of Madness
I was truly touched when I first read this flash piece. It was very well executed (no pun intended) and I loved your use of the theme of the petals.
DemonsThis was truly a chilling tale about twisted faith. Gave me the Goosebumps and definitely a contender as well…
The First
I liked this one, though I think it would have read easier if it was a longer work. Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t understand why the robot wants to kill from the get go?
Day One
A nice one – though I don’t understand something – if everyone started using the Mywot at different times, shouldn’t the poisoning have also started at different times and not all at once? Should there had been an acute built-up of the toxin?
A Perfect Fit
I liked the use of intertext in this piece, but I would like to know what kind of creature “Alice” really was and her ‘true form’…
A Natural Error
A creepy and cool one, I’ll give you that!
“It’s going to cure everything that ever ailed the human race. Including the human race itself.”
Yip, just have to look at the news of the past week to wonder if that’s such a bad idea…
Just one question… If the predators give birth to mutants that finally become the other creature – are there some of those mutants on the planet as well? How did they find out about the mutants?
Tetched
I liked this one – but the poor Rothen! I feel sorry for him for carrying all those books around everywhere. But, then again, I may be imagining them bigger that you did…
A big thank you to all the helpful comments on my piece – it also showed up some parts that I thought I had explained enough, but clearly had not. For instance, when Eldarion cuts off the Khalvér from the magic their using and leaving them to face the Shadow; he’s leaving them without the power that had been given to them as servants of the Shadow. They had given up their Talent for the dark magic of the Shadow, but, when cut off, is left to face a very angry master… Therefore, though Eldarion cuts off the Khalvér, he doesn’t leave them for the Shadow, as they are already servants of the Shadow.
But, yes, I do see that I have given too much information in this short piece and that has really given me something to work at. I am thrilled at the positive feedback about the world building and think I will try my hand at another tale from this world in the near future…
Marsh
zachariah
Decompressing
- Joined
- May 15, 2006
- Messages
- 872
Well, unless the mysterious 15th voter turns up to give us a dramatic twist, it looks like I'm pipped at the post once again. Congrats on the win, Venustar! It was surprising and gratifying to come back from holiday to see so many of you enjoyed my submission. There's no accounting for taste!
I did write crits. I'm not going to post them up here. Partly, as Superfede accused, from cowardice. There's no way I can post what I was going to without looking like a massive jerk. But also because I don't think it would add anything to the competition, or help anyone in their creative endeavour. We're all pretty much past the point of grammar and spell checks, the rest is just a matter of opinion which we can all see in the way the votes fall. Anyone wishing to know my opinion on their entry can PM me and I will be happy to share.
Thanks again to everyone who voted for The Numbers Game, your place in the New World Order is assured. See you next month!
I did write crits. I'm not going to post them up here. Partly, as Superfede accused, from cowardice. There's no way I can post what I was going to without looking like a massive jerk. But also because I don't think it would add anything to the competition, or help anyone in their creative endeavour. We're all pretty much past the point of grammar and spell checks, the rest is just a matter of opinion which we can all see in the way the votes fall. Anyone wishing to know my opinion on their entry can PM me and I will be happy to share.
Thanks again to everyone who voted for The Numbers Game, your place in the New World Order is assured. See you next month!
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