Query Letter Input

[JohnKurt]

Greetings all,

Looking for some feedback on my query letter...

I'm leaving credentials part blank due to the fact that I want to keep the names of some authors I've worked with private.

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Dear Mr/Mrs. Agentname,

Congratulations on your recent success with xxxx yyyy

[Credentials Paragraph, 3 sentences including: My short story, The Bastard Son was awarded Honorable Mention by L. Ron Hubbard’s Writers of the Future contest.]

I have recently finished SILVERBROOK, a 138,000 word fantasy epic which crosses into dark fantasy.

When deities are forgotten by the civilization that fashioned them, they reincarnate as humans. Endowed with mystical powers, a neglected God vows revenge on those who abandoned him. Trevor, an ostentatious bard, and Eldon, a covetous mage are swept into the conflict by mistake. Outcasts in a foreign land, the two companions find themselves haunted by their pasts and wedged between a powerful despot and a narcissistic populace needing a savior.

The novel is a multi-faceted story in the tradition of George RR Martin’s Song of Fire and Ice or Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time. Thematically, I question the motivations of traditional heroes, and asses the conflict of society when the gods and magic of old meet a future of science and singular faith.

May I submit this manuscript for your consideration?

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It already feels too long. I'm thinking adding content won't help, but would love some feedback on the above part. Does this catch anyone's eye?

Thank you!!

 

[KatG]

Dear Mr/Mrs. Agentname,

Congratulations on your recent success with xxxx yyyy

This is unnecessary. They aren't interested or impressed, takes up space.

[Credentials Paragraph, 3 sentences including: My short story, The Bastard Son was awarded Honorable Mention by L. Ron Hubbard’s Writers of the Future contest.]

Usual format is to put this bio paragraph towards the end, not the beginning of the letter. Remember, in fiction, you the author are less important than the story. If the story sounds interesting to them, then your credentials, etc. becomes a factor, but first they want to know if they have any interest in the novel at all. If the credentials are paramount to a particular agent, they'll just skip down to the bottom of the letter.

I have recently finished SILVERBROOK, a 138,000 word fantasy epic which crosses into dark fantasy.

When deities are forgotten by the civilization that fashioned them, they reincarnate as humans. Endowed with mystical powers, a neglected God vows revenge on those who abandoned him. Trevor, an ostentatious bard, and Eldon, a covetous mage are swept into the conflict by mistake. Outcasts in a foreign land, the two companions find themselves haunted by their pasts and wedged between a powerful despot and a narcissistic populace needing a savior.

Needs to be clearer that it's not Earth you are talking about or an alternate version of Earth but instead an alternate world. Suggest using the phrase "decadent populace" over "narcissistic."

The novel is a multi-faceted story in the tradition of George RR Martin’s Song of Fire and Ice or Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time. Thematically, I question the motivations of traditional heroes, and asses the conflict of society when the gods and magic of old meet a future of science and singular faith.

Okay, this is a little confusing. Up till now, the novel has sounded like a medievally alternate world fantasy, with a bard, a mage, gods, and you compare it to the big pre-industrial epics from Martin and Jordan. But then you say it's about when old gods and old magic meet science and something possibly Christian like, which is another thing entirely and possibly something of interest to them if it's the main theme of the story. What sort of science is there in the world? Is it a post-industrial society? Do they have machines? Is the mage character considered an old-fashioned artifact in this world, clinging to old magic, or are mages important in the society? Does the singular faith have its own magic? It may make more sense for you to compare your work to something like China Mieville's New Crubazon books than to Martin and Jordan if you're doing an ancient vengeful past meets shiny metal future story and it's dark fantasy.

It allready feels too long. I'm thinking adding content won't help, but would love some feedback on the above part. Does this catch anyone's eye?

Obviously numerous authors are being told that they must be very, very short, like a Hollywood pitch, and consequently keep not telling agents what goodies they actually have in the story. Which means less interest from agents in the story, as they are offered twenty Jordan clones a day. Fiction publishing is not Hollywood. A one page letter of four basic paragraphs is fine. Nobody is going to freak.

A bard and a mage who get caught up in a conflict of gods is fine as a story, but why are your particular bard and mage interesting? If they have really interesting baggage, give it a sentence. That info may mean the difference between no and yes on a reading.

 

[shevdon]

Hi John,

Good luck with writing your query. I sometimes think it's harder than writing the novel. I have to say, though, that this didn't grab me. I've tried to detail why below, so that hopefully it will help you tune it for success.

Congratulations on your recent success with xxxx yyyy

Not sure of the relevance of this. An agent will expect you to have researched them, but you don't personally know them. Not sure what offering your congrats does in that context.

[Credentials Paragraph, 3 sentences including: My short story, The Bastard Son was awarded Honorable Mention by L. Ron Hubbard’s Writers of the Future contest.]

Recommend you place that at the end as a closing comment.

I have recently finished SILVERBROOK, a 138,000 word fantasy epic which crosses into dark fantasy.

Recently finished makes it sound as if you haven't edited it yet, and you need to plump for a single genre. Think of where it goes on the shelf, not what writing genre it is. This will help the agent position it.

When deities are forgotten by the civilization that fashioned them, they reincarnate as humans. Endowed with mystical powers, a neglected God vows revenge on those who abandoned him. Trevor, an ostentatious bard, and Eldon, a covetous mage are swept into the conflict by mistake. Outcasts in a foreign land, the two companions find themselves haunted by their pasts and wedged between a powerful despot and a narcissistic populace needing a savior.

Is that how you spell saviour? Spelling mistakes in a query are a big turn-off for agents.

This is the meat of your query and your chance to shine. You need to lay out the arc-plot. What mystical powers? Are those who abandoned him also including Trevor and Eldon? What is the mistake? Why are they haunted by their pasts? Is the despot the same as the god? How can a populace be narcissistic?

This leaves a lot of questions unanswered and an agent won't have time to follow up. They have to decide whether to proceed with your query using only what you sent them.

The novel is a multi-faceted story in the tradition of George RR Martin’s Song of Fire and Ice or Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time. Thematically, I question the motivations of traditional heroes, and asses the conflict of society when the gods and magic of old meet a future of science and singular faith.

What does multi-faceted mean? You haven't told us who the protagonist is, what they want, what is against the getting it. These are key questions. The last sentence makes it sound like a documentary.

Using authors like Jordon and GRRM to position your work will make an agent wonder whether it's really finished, or is this just episode one of ten. For a debut author they are likely to want a finished (i.e. concluded) story.

May I submit this manuscript for your consideration?

Hopefully you will be following the guidelines and they will probably only want a sample at first - "I have included x and y as per the submission guidelines on your website" or some-such.

My best advice is to work out how to get the plot clearly articulated into the query. Themes, style and writing voice should come out in the sample material.

Hope that helps,

Cheers and good luck!

Mike

 

[Jennifer P]

Length is actually about right.

Hook first. Genre and word count immediately afterwards. Try to get more voice into it.

Credentials at the end and don't include a massive long list of them. Pick the two or three credits you like the best.

 

[Tim_Seraphim]

Thematically, I question the motivations of traditional heroes, and asses

I briefly ignored the errors but I stopped reading after that. Everyone's comments so far should be heeded, especially KatG's as she has helped me with my query. Personally I wasn't intrigued because I have no idea who I'm supposed to care about and why. A god seeking revenge seemed cool, but with nobody set up to oppose him/her, I don't have anyone to be interested in.

Sometimes it takes a bit more to set up what we're trying to say, because we as writers think it's super sweet to have a lot of stuff going on. I'm totally guilty of this which is why, due to suggestion, I ended up needing three paragraphs to convey what's going on in my novel.

Quick aside: Should new authors not try to start on a series, even if the main plot of the book is concluded?

 

[JohnKurt]

Savior: yes, that's how you (can) spell it in US-English..

the other misspell. (assess) Yikes. That's what i get for rushing before posting D'oh!

I had my credentials last, but was advised by a very reliable source (name hidden) to put it at the beginning -which I admit I found strange-. They were adamant, even admitting its different form the norm. Ah...so many opinions out there.

Good idea on dropping "recently finished" because yeah... it's had 5 edits (not all of them just mine either.).

KatG: Never read that author, but I'll have to now add to my soon-to-read list.

Thank you for the opinions everyone!!

 

[hippokrene]

Dear Mr/Mrs. Agentname...

Unless she refers to herself as Mrs on her blog/website, I'd go with addressing a woman as Ms.

Congratulations on your recent success with xxxx yyyy

I assume this is the 'establish a rapport' part of the letter. It comes off as phony and insincere because it is phony and insincere. If there’s an agent whose client wrote a book you liked or who writes a blog you follow, mention it. If this is simply agent 14 on your list of 25, skip this part.

[Credentials Paragraph, 3 sentences including: My short story, The Bastard Son was awarded Honorable Mention by L. Ron Hubbard’s Writers of the Future contest.]

Stick it at the end.

I have recently finished SILVERBROOK, a 138,000 word fantasy epic which crosses into dark fantasy.

1) Stick it at the end.
2) ‘SILVERBROOK is a 138,000 word epic fantasy.’

When deities are forgotten by the civilization that fashioned them, they reincarnate as humans. Endowed with mystical powers, a neglected God vows revenge on those who abandoned him.

Telling me that a God has mystical powers is like telling me a dragon can fly and breathe fire. The sentence is also poorly structured and tells us nothing about who he’s going to punish and how.

‘Poseidon, long forgotten god of the sea, is reincarnated in human form and summons a terrible kraken to terrorize the fishing village of Bar Harbor, Maine.’

‘Mars, god of war, is reincarnated in human form, and leads an army of monstrous beings against the kingdom of France.’

‘The dark god Nibble reincarnates as a powerful sorcerer and calls down plagues, drought, and tax assessors on the people of Las Vegas who dared to neglect his worship.’

The god vowing revenge isn’t interesting. What the god does to take vengeance is what, presumably, drives the story.

Trevor, an ostentatious bard, and Eldon, a covetous mage are swept into the conflict by mistake. Outcasts in a foreign land, the two companions find themselves haunted by their pasts and wedged between a powerful despot and a narcissistic populace needing a savior.

It’s fine for heroes to be reluctant, but at some point, these guys have to make a choice. You don’t go through an epic struggle to defeat a god in human form ‘by mistake.’ At some point, these guys choose to side help out the narcissistic populace. When is this and why?

The novel is a multi-faceted story in the tradition of George RR Martin’s Song of Fire and Ice or Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time.

‘SILVERBROOK is a 138,000 word epic fantasy in the vein of George RR Martin’s Song of Fire and Ice or Robert Jordan’s Wheel of Time.’

Thematically, I question the motivations of traditional heroes, and asses the conflict of society when the gods and magic of old meet a future of science and singular faith.

Nothing in the write-up you’ve given suggest this. You don’t mention science or faith, or conflict in society. I’d dump this part and flesh out the actual plot in the summery.

May I submit this manuscript for your consideration?

‘Thank you for your time,
IR Writer’

 

[JohnKurt]

‘The dark god Nibble reincarnates as a powerful sorcerer and calls down plagues, drought, and tax assessors on the people of Las Vegas who dared to neglect his worship.’

LOL!!!! Tax assessors, brought down by the wrath of Gods... yummy.

Anyway...

A friend of mine whose called on to lecture about query writing... made some of the same suggestions but also suggests I remove the names of the protagonists. (Trevor and Eldon).

Thoughts on that anyone?

 

[Jennifer P]

I actually use first name, last name with no title in all correspondence with agents and editors. That way if the person is actually a Doctor I'm not calling them Mister (I did that. It was beyond embarrassing), and it also avoids the entire Ms/Mrs/Miss thing.

ALWAYS use their name unless it's not on their website anywhere (which is sometimes the case with ezines).

 

[JohnKurt]

That way if the person is actually a Doctor I'm not calling them Mister (I did that. It was beyond embarrassing), and it also avoids the entire Ms/Mrs/Miss thing.

ALWAYS use their name unless it's not on their website anywhere (which is sometimes the case with ezines).

Having worked around world in the business sector for over 15 years, I've made it a hard rule that anyone who gets overly upset about leaving out a Dr. one time or mistaking a Ms for a Miss, or a Mrs... are absolutely, positively NOT worth dealing with. Regardless of what else they can bring to the table, their 'temperament' is a buzz kill in this short but fun life we have. Negative (or egotistical) people like that aren't any fun...Not that I don't try to get it right, I very much do.

So... as far as the protagonist character names... I had feedback (off line) that I should remove them (Trevor, Eldon) from the query letter. They think I should keep the descriptions but drop the first names.

Anyone have thoughts on that?

p.s. Got good feed back (privately) on my new query... so thanks for the input to everyone. Didn't take or agree with it all, but took some good stuff from each person's post, with a heavy reliance on KatG.



Muchas gracias!

 

[Susan Boulton]

So... as far as the protagonist character names... I had feedback (off line) that I should remove them (Trevor, Eldon) from the query letter. They think I should keep the descriptions but drop the first names.



Muchas gracias!

Keep the characters' names.

 

[KatG]

Quick aside: Should new authors not try to start on a series, even if the main plot of the book is concluded?

The majority of SFF published, certainly in the category market is series fiction, so you might as well go ahead. If you are reluctant to continue a series unless it sells, or you want it to be a standalone or there's another book/series you want to work on, then don't. But if you want it to be a series, and you accept that you don't know what's going to happen in the marketplace, then you might as well move forward with the series. Then if a publisher takes it and wants to do serial publishing, where the books come out only a short time after the other, you'll be in a better position.

I had my credentials last, but was advised by a very reliable source (name hidden) to put it at the beginning -which I admit I found strange-. They were adamant, even admitting its different form the norm. Ah...so many opinions out there.

It's not going to get you a demerit if you put the bio first, but it's not going to give you any advantage either. It's useless to try to impress agents and editors with how cool you are in writing your query letter. Not the least of which is because your letter will probably be seen first by a junior person who isn't scanning for credentials, but for story description. But if you want to get your two recommending authors up top, go ahead.

KatG: Never read that author, but I'll have to now add to my soon-to-read list.

Well, see that's your problem right there. You are writing an alternate world fantasy that you say goes dark, and China Mieville is currently the leading writer of this type of scenario both in the category market and in general fiction. You should have read him already. If you are going to pitch the story as a type, you need to be familiar with all the types and the biggest names who do them.

A friend of mine whose called on to lecture about query writing... made some of the same suggestions but also suggests I remove the names of the protagonists. (Trevor and Eldon).

I can see no reason for this at all. The key goal of a query letter is information. Take out the protagonists' names and then the reader of the letter has to remember that the protagonists are a bard and a mage (and making them have to remember stuff is bad,) and has less information about the story. Giving the characters names makes them more solid, which attracts more attention. It's also faster to refer to them by name than always having to use phrases like "the bard," "the mage."

Basically, my problem with the current query letter is the same as my main problem with most of the query letters I get to see -- you make a faint allusion that you may possibly have some interesting material in the story, but you refuse to talk about it. You state your theme, but the theme has no visible connection to the basic plot you describe. The only thing you've told them in this query letter is that your story involves gods and is a big epic.

So I would suggest reframing the description around the alluded to theme: the conflict between old magic and forgotten, vengeful gods, and science and new magic/religion and how particularly Trevor and Eldon are caught in that conflict and reflect it. Because that's likely to get them interested.

Which means also that if you haven't read Neil Gaiman's Ameriican Gods either, you should read that too, along with China Mieville's Perdido Street Station.

 

[Tim_Seraphim]

‘Mars, god of war, is reincarnated in human form, and leads an army of monstrous beings against the kingdom of France.’

Poor France, if only Charlemagne and Roland were there to protect them from warmongering Mars!