Query letter

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fluffy

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Jan 28, 2011
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14
Hello everyone,

I am new here. I found this site while looking for query letter advice. I have sent a different version of this query around to agents without any success. I was wondering if the query is the problem, or the story?

Any comments are welcome. Thank you for your help.

QUERY:

The Connoisseur is the most famous woman alive – and she has passed away without an heir.

Aiea, an unknown girl from a small village, is chosen as her successor; a woman who travels across oceans to choose the best and most beautiful the world has to offer. Amala is a world of islands, each unique and different, from the brilliant green, tropical south to the ice and snow in the north. Exotic spices, dark wine, and beautiful men are the passions of this multifaceted world, where humans and merpeople are at war for the throne.

The people of Amala value masculine beauty above all else, and men are collected as art objects for their harem. When Aiea meets Emydd, a handsome young man from Amala's race of pirates, her acquisition earns her renown as the first natural Connoisseur in a century. She believes her discovery will lead Amala to even greater heights of affluence and wealth.

She is wrong.

Emydd's secret will end Aiea's life of luxury, and Amala will fall.

The only thing standing in his way is the Connoisseur – and a good bottle of wine.

THE CONNOISSEUR is a celebration of life's pleasures, a romantic fantasy complete at 70,000 words.
 
Query letters in general should mention something about you and what is unique about your writing. Even though this is interesting I got confused and wondered if you were confusing query letter with backcover jacket for book.

For Example:

Dear _____ (find the name of the person quering never say to whom it may concern if you can help it)

I found your website to be a very good match for my book, THE CONNOISSEUR. I have been in the industry for x amount years (if new...then say something like, I have been writing and involved with literary groups for x amount of years). I would be honored if you would consider my book for publication (if agent then say review). My book THE CONNOISSEUR is a fantasy novel that is 70,000 or xxx pages long.

Then give a brief summary but a catchy one that keeps the agent interest. Dont bog the person down with a extreme amount of detail.

example taken from your entry:

The world of Amala is one that value masculine beauty above all else, and men are collected as art objects for their harem. Aiea is thrown into this world and she finds herself searching for the ideal masculine Connoisseur. Just when she thinks she has finally found him. The connoisseur, Emydd's has other plans. Her world is turned upside down in this game of cat and mouse where the cat becomes the mouse and the mouse becomes the cat.

Well something like that.

Finish with something like the following:

I hope to be hearing from you and that my book, THE CONNOISSEUR has sparked your interest. Sincerely....

I hope this helps, again good luck
 
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I don't know too much about the publishing, but your very first line jumped out at me as being a problem. And as it's your very first line, it's a really, really big problem as it should be your hook.

fluffy said:
The Connoisseur is the most famous woman alive – and she has passed away without an heir.
Click to expand...

She is the most famous woman alive, but is now dead. How can she be the most famous woman alive if she's dead?

Perhaps it could be changed to something like;

To be the Connoisseur is to be the most famous woman alive - but the most recent Connoissueur has passed away without an heir.
 
To Aneurin - haha, thank you for that, regarding the dead/alive problem - this is what I get for trying to retool my query letter using the old one.

To Pookie - thank you for your suggestions. I see what you mean regarding focusing on the most interesting part of the query (the masculine beauty thing). The woman is the Connoisseur, not the man - but I see what you are trying to say.
 
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fluffy said:
Hello everyone,

I am new here. I found this site while looking for query letter advice. I have sent a different version of this query around to agents without any success. I was wondering if the query is the problem, or the story?

Any comments are welcome. Thank you for your help.

QUERY:

The Connoisseur is the most famous woman alive – and she has passed away without an heir.

Aiea, an unknown girl from a small village, is chosen as her successor; a woman who travels across oceans to choose the best and most beautiful the world has to offer. Amala is a world of islands, each unique and different, from the brilliant green, tropical south to the ice and snow in the north. Exotic spices, dark wine, and beautiful men are the passions of this multifaceted world, where humans and merpeople are at war for the throne.

The people of Amala value masculine beauty above all else, and men are collected as art objects for their harem. When Aiea meets Emydd, a handsome young man from Amala's race of pirates, her acquisition earns her renown as the first natural Connoisseur in a century. She believes her discovery will lead Amala to even greater heights of affluence and wealth.

She is wrong.

Emydd's secret will end Aiea's life of luxury, and Amala will fall.

The only thing standing in his way is the Connoisseur – and a good bottle of wine.

THE CONNOISSEUR is a celebration of life's pleasures, a romantic fantasy complete at 70,000 words.
Click to expand...

Is it a fantasy romance or a romanticy fantasy? If it is a romanticy fantasy, is it comic/social satire or dark, violent? It makes a difference, and I can't tell from this letter, and that's a problem.
 
Hmm...well it is meant to be serious, if that is what you are asking. I am working on retooling the query and will put it up when I have finished it again to see what people think. It's mostly fantasy with some romance in it.
 
Okay, so male beauty is valued and there are women who find very beautiful males (and maybe other prized trade goods?) and the males get made into sex slaves? Or just get to tour and their home island gets lots of trade and gifts and fame, like a sports team? Because that's one thing that isn't clear about your plot description.

And it needs to be clear because, while this story is meant to be serious, there is an element of social satire in it, ala Kurt Vonnegut or Joanna Ross or Sherri Tepper, with gender roles reversed from the usual emphasis on female beauty and female harems of our society to male beauty. So you need a bit more here on the where, the social system of this culture, so that it's clear about how the Connoisseurs operate, how the economy operates in these islands. If there's a great deal of rite and ritual to it all, then I would suggest you give some sense to that.

I would suggest that you don't call it a romantic fantasy if it's not an actual romance story. It will confuse people. Lines like: "The only thing standing in his way is the Connoisseur – and a good bottle of wine" indicate a strong comic element, as does saying the novel is about "life's pleasures" and romance -- things that are not usually the subjects of a dark or seriously dramatic novel. Basically, what happened was I started reading your description thinking, okay, it's a role reversal, social commentary drama, and then the description drifts into comic, romantic, not really sure what's going on here territory. So those are the things that I suggest concentrating on. You need to give them an idea of what type of story you are doing and more about what type of society it is operating in.
 
Hi KatG - thanks for all your help.

Yes: this society values male beauty and women go around collecting these men (along with other trade goods), but not for sex : more like a collection of art. The men compete to be included in this harem because yes, it brings fame and trade to their own home territories (sort of like a sports team but without sports?)

Yes, I suppose it is meant to be a social satire, and a bit of a satire of high fantasy, but as the story itself is serious I didn't really think of it that way. I guess that is why writers need feedback. ;) I hadn't had any success with the query letter I wrote initially so I was wondering what kind of stumbling blocks the query included (or whether it's the story itself that is the problem).

The ending does involve how the focus of the Connoisseur on life's luxuries ends up saving everyone, but the ending is also sad. It's not really a romance because although a love story is a major plot point it also doesn't end well. In the initial query I just called it 'fantasy'. It departs a great deal from the usual 'fantasy world', since it takes place in the tropics, so I have had a bit of a confusing time figuring out where to send it or what to call it.

I'll try reworking the query and repost it here when I am finished. Thanks again for all your help and suggestions.
 
OK, here is the new attempt at the query letter:


The Connoisseur travels across oceans to choose the best and most beautiful the world has to offer. In Amala, that means men – and the men compete to be included, to bring fame and trade to their own islands. As a result, the Connoisseur's island of Loka'i is the cultural capital of the world – rich, extravagant, and luxurious. The loss of the Connoisseur is always difficult – and she has passed away without an heir.

Aiea, an unknown girl from a small village, is chosen as her successor, but without the elder Connoisseur's training. When Aiea meets Emydd, a handsome young man from Amala's race of pirates, her acquisition earns her respect as Connoisseur – and the discovery of the first High King in centuries. Emydd is restored to the throne with the help of the female warrior race in the north, and everyone hopes for peace and prosperity, as the legends told of the days when the royal family ruled Amala.

The legends were wrong.

Emydd's secret will end Aiea's life of luxury, and Amala will fall.
The only thing standing in his way is the Connoisseur – and a good bottle of wine.

THE CONNOISSEUR is a fantasy complete at 70,000 words.
 
Well that's a lot clearer. I think it reads well and now that last line sounds a bit more sinister than comic, so probably it could stand. I would suggest altering the first line a little:

"The Connoisseur travels across oceans to choose the best and most beautiful objects and goods the world has to offer."

That may make the bottle of wine reference a little bit clearer.

Also, you're going to have to figure out a way to work the merpeople back into the description. You definitely don't want to leave out that you have merpeople.
 
OK, here it is again. I am not sure about saying 'and' twice in the first sentence but I'm not sure how else to write it:

The Connoisseur travels across oceans to choose the best and most beautiful objects and goods the world has to offer. In Amala, that means men – and the men compete to be included, to bring fame and trade to their own islands. As a result, the Connoisseur's island of Loka'i is the cultural capital of the world – rich, extravagant, and luxurious. The loss of the Connoisseur is always difficult – and she has passed away without an heir.

Aiea, an unknown girl from a small village, is chosen as her successor, but without the elder Connoisseur's training. When Aiea meets Emydd, a handsome young man from Amala's race of pirates, her acquisition earns her respect as Connoisseur – and the discovery of the first High King in centuries. The ancient battle with the merpeople comes to an end as Emydd is restored to the throne with the help of the female warrior race in the north, and everyone hopes for peace and prosperity, as the legends told of the days when the royal family ruled Amala.

The legends were wrong.

Emydd's secret will end Aiea's life of luxury, and Amala will fall.
The only thing standing in his way is the Connoisseur – and a good bottle of wine.

THE CONNOISSEUR is a fantasy complete at 70,000 words.
 
That sounds pretty good to me. If you don't want the two "ands," you can have it read:

"The Connoisseur travels across oceans to choose the best, most beautiful objects and goods the world has to offer."

Also, the last sentence, you might want to add: "THE CONNOISSEUR is a fantasy novel set in a vibrant, tropical world, complete at 70,000 words."

That may seem a tad redundant, but it does confirm for them that it is that sort of setting, which may be a point that interests some of them.
 
Looks better. Another note, you do need to tell them a little bit about yourself I assume you have an opening paragraph and closing paragraph to what you have here.

I always approach this like any job getting opening letter. There are those that employeer will look at because it is eye stricking but then it gets placed on the don't contact the person because he/she doesn't measure up to what the manager is looking for because even though the package looks nice it just filler without substance.

Without telling them who you are your book might be over looked just because they feel if you don't open up enough and let them know something about you then maybe the book will the same.

Its just my opinion, take it for what it is worth.
 
It looks good. The only thing that I'd expand on a bit is why Aeia was chosen as the new Connoisseur. Not sure if it's easy to do in a few words, though.

Also, I don't get the final reference to the bottle of wine. Is it magic wine? Is Emydd vulnerable to it? It seems just dropped there out of nowhere.

Just my 2 cents.
 
To Pookie: according to Miss Snark, QueryShark, Rejectionist, etc, queries should be limited to 250 words and discuss only what the book is about. Who you are, according to them, doesn't matter at this stage. At least that is the reason I have made the query like this. Do you think I should add something else? Does anyone else have an opinion on whether I should include any information about myself? This is my first novel.


To Taramoc: in the story, she is chosen because she fell in love with a boy when she was five years old, which the former Connoisseur's servants felt indicated a predisposition towards appreciating men. The wine is background for most of the story, but yes, he is particularly vulnerable to it. Unfortunately telling about that in the query would mean I would have to discuss the entire storyline, because in the end it's the wine that links everything together.

To KatG: I like the edits you propose, I will include them. Thank you for all your help.
 
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Wow, hold on a second. Wine links everything together?!?

Now you really piqued my interest. I would beg, borrow and steal to put that in your query. It's definitively different and may give you some mileage.

Also, love at that early age is a very powerful thing (Ponyo anybody?), I'd mention that too. What happened to the boy she loved?

I'm not sure I buy into the 250 words limit, but what do I know?
 
The boy she loved was the one who told the village elders about her, which was why they came to take her away. When he got old enough, he applied to join the harem, because he didn't know at the time that she would leave the village forever. He was successful, but by that time she had forgotten him.

Hmm - should I just mention that wine links everything together, or explain how it does?

I suppose it's difficult to see what might interest others since I am so close to the story, so this is really helpful.

They do insist on the 250 words from what I can tell.
 
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It's not a limit, it's a suggestion. And they make that suggestion because authors keep bugging them about how long query letters should be. But really, as long as it's a page letter of a few paragraphs, they don't care. No agent or editor or editorial assistant on Earth is going to count how many words you have in your query letter. They have no time to do any of that stuff and no interest. Why should they?

As for bio, yes, who you are doesn't really matter unless you are a celebrity actress or something like that. The story is what they are interested in. But you can also mention briefly what you do for a living if you want, especially if it's relevant, such as that you're a wine expert, a marine biologist, you have a harem, stuff like that. And if you have any editorial or publication credits, fiction or nonfiction, you should mention them.

You've made a decision to not tell the ending, which would involve the guy's secret and an explanation of wine. If you think that ending is a powerful selling point that they should know, then you could rethink it. But leaving it as a mysterious item probably isn't going to make or break you. It's odd enough to catch attention without it specifically being shown to be poison to the guy.
 
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I would explain the wine connection. I'm speaking personally, but it's what interest me the most about your story.
 
Miss Snark comments are just a guide. I suggest you can go up to 500 words. Just keep within the agents/publishers guidelines, which normally state a one page query. So you fit all the information you want to tell them bio, pitch, greeting etc onto one page.

As to not telling the ending, you might have too, some agents want the query to "tell all," You will need to prepare a synopsis that includes everything anyway.

As it currently reads the comment of the wine seems tacked on for no reason (but that's just a personal feeling.)
 
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