Query - Synopsis of Novel

No, no, don't go backwards. Your improved version was improved. That you have Armaggedon and the Seventh Seal, demons, etc., does not make it Christian fantasy for mainly the Christian market. Judeo-Christian mythology is used as often as other kinds of myth in fantasy. I'm going to ask you a bunch of questions. (You'll see in the Infamous Query Letter thread that this is what I do.)

"With our world torn by war and on the brink of Armageddon,"

This is the part where we need more context. Armageddon they'll get, but what kind? (In SFF, there are many different kinds.) You need one sentence to give us the context of the world situation in how it is different from our current world. (Yes, you can do it in one sentence.) This is our world slightly in the future or an alternate version of our world, so that can be made a little clearer what area you're in. Since it is a lot of mythologies, you may want to go movie preview-ish, as in starting with a line like: "In an Earth where many gods roam and magic has cast the world into war that tips close to Armageddon..." There's a reason they do that in trailers -- it tells the audience where they are, going in.

"blind gunslinger Edward Grimshaw has one desire: vengeance for the death of his love at the hands of her brother, crooked cop Robert Justice. Seeking the support of Samuel Lucas, ace district attorney in the largest metropolis in America, he is instead unjustly imprisoned by the very man he seeks to destroy."

Okay, we have a blind -- blind! interesting, is he really blind? How did that happen? -- gunslinger, which is the Old West, but we have a contemporary district attorney in a city, an "ace." So how exactly does this work? Is Grimshaw really a gunslinger or was he a cop or a criminal enforcer before going blind? Besides that, these sentences work well.

"Liberated by Alexandre Penn, a dedicated constable" -- Robert is a cop, but Alexandre is a constable -- is Alexandre British?

"tasked with stopping Samuel," -- wow, Samuel is a bad guy in league with Robert? Guess Edward guessed wrong. This might actually be important in the story. :)

"Robert, and the rest of the newly formed Revelation Revolution," -- What is a Revelation Revolution? This is a fantasy element, so it needs to be clear.

"creepy cabbie Melvyn reveals Alexandre’s secret lineage and a plan of action to stop the revolution." -- You can kind of let it go without explaining why Melvyn knows Alexandre's lineage in the query letter, but Melvyn needs his own sentence, such as: "Edward is unexpectedly liberated by Alexandre Penn, a police detective seeking to bring down Robert, Samuel and their allies before they accomplish their goal of breaking the Norse gods' Seventh Seal, opening the gate to the realm of demons. Penn and Grimshaw are aided by creepy cabbie Melvyn, who reveals Alexandre's secret lineage and a plan to stop Samuel's group."

(I am of course wildly guessing here, but you can correct as needed. Notice I'm packing info into each sentence -- this gives context as to how the world works and what character goals are. I'm guessing Melvyn is part of some other group.)

"With Alexandre seeking the sacred sword Heligswer, the revolution acquires the spiteful spear Oheligbur and shatters the Seventh Seal, unleashing a malevolent mafia of ancient antiquity."

Well no, Alexandre is not working for the bad guys, so you need a different sentence structure here. Alexandre has to go look for the sacred sword Heligswer, which I'm guessing is Norse, because that will do something -- what? Does Edward go with him or do something else? Does Edward try to stop the bad guys from getting the spear Oheligbur and fails?

And yeah, I'm afraid you have to lose the alliteration here unless the book is a comic fantasy, which it doesn't sound like it is. Malevolent mafia of ancient antiquity sounds like you are doing Monty Python (or Sylvester the cat,) and so that's how they'll read it. Which may mean they won't want it if it doesn't sound terribly funny in plot to them, which it does not. Mostly, you need to make clear what the demons are, what they do to the world when released into it. In one sentence. (Yes, you can do it in one sentence.)

"Lacking the power to stop the mafia themselves, Grimshaw and Alexandre are elected" -- elected by who?

"to endanger the existence of our waning world by pleading the angels of Atlantis to settle their war with the demonic Diaboli once and for all."

Okay, the germ here is good; it's the context that is once again missing. You have a lot of different myths in here, and that polygut nature needs to be clear. Angels means usually Christian angels, servants of the Christian Jesus Christ/Yahweh, unless otherwise specified. But these are angels in Atlantis, the legendary, pre-Judea-Christian city. And it sounds like it's the Atlanteans who created all the war, and Samuel's group threw in their lot with the demons to get power and defeat the Atlanteans.

So basically, you're refusing to tell them what the story is, so then the story is confusing and less interesting. You're doing that because like most authors, you see the story as very big and sprawling. The story isn't actually big and sprawling, though. It's a straight thriller in a setting. Clarify the setting, give them the thriller plot as you do it, with the main characters' stories in place (Edward seeks revenge for his love, then seeks to stop those who killed her from their goals; Alexandre is a chosen one descended from, um, heroes or something, and then these Atlanteans do something that could either work or wipe out existence, or rather, get Alexandre and Edward to do it. How that works we're not sure, but you are. So how would you explain it? In a sentence or two. (Yes, you can do it in a sentence or two.)

Brevity without clarity is useless. (And clever wordage even more so.) Clarity is possible without writing fifty pages of explanation. Do it in two paragraphs of several sentences. You're on the right track. Stop holding back on the story, and on these cool characters you invented.
 
In honesty I was actually trying to make it sound like a movie trailer in the beginning! I'll answer each question to clarify as I think I'm starting to get the idea here.

The Armageddon is the unleashing of the Seven Seals, freeing the demon world. At the start of the novel, six are already broken, hence they are 'on the brink.' The more I think about it, the more I think that this little tidbit of info should be moved farther along the paragraph or removed all together.

Grimshaw was blinded by a malfunctioning gun his father tried to 'fix' for him in his childhood. I do give a detailed explanation of it in the story. Grimshaw is a bit of an old fashioned guy in a small village where the law is corrupt, thus becoming a slight throwback to the days of the Old West. World War 3 has sort of put the world on rocky grounds, and he used to be a bounty hunter. A few miles from his village is the largest metropolis left in America after the bombings and subsequent earthquakes, where Samuel is putting on a facade to be an ace district attorney in order to rise to power via entering politics. After the war broke out, he developed a better idea, which is what gets played out in the novel.

Alexandre is British, that's why he was called a constable. I felt 'British officer' seemed a bit clunky when 'constable' would suffice.

Yes, Grimshaw did guess wrong. It is revealed Samuel has been planning for quite a while to instigate a revolution. The Revelation Revolution is the group headed by Samuel to conquer the world. Their plan is to unleash the demons into our world. (Plot point: Samuel Lucas is descended from Kain [pronounced cayenne, like the pepper] who is in fact the offspring of Samael, the leader of the fallen angels. Should this be alluded to?)

I was thinking of removing the mentioning of Melvyn, as he is not a major character in the story, just the guide for 'crossing the threshold, etc.' Melvyn is Merlin is Myrddin is many others, among the last of the nephilim (offspring of angel and human.)

Heligswer is the legendary sword that has gone by many names, Excalibur being one of them. Grimshaw goes with him. Heligswer also serves as a key to unlocking the gates to Atlantis, the portal of the angel realm, emerged after the seventh seal is shattered.

What is wrong with the Mighty Python?! I jest, but I see your point.

Elected by Melvyn, and pretty much 'fate' as they are the only ones aware of what is going on.

The angels are more like angel/elves in my novel, because the world they live in the Norse called Alfheim, home of the light elves. They were tasked by the gods to protect their creations on our world, but after Samael's war, and the other angels creating the Nephilim, the gods separated the seven worlds from our world with the seven seals (the seven wonders of the ancient world.) Atlantis is merely the portal between our world, Mediumundus, and their world, Lucisilva. Descended from Samael, Samuel's plan is to unleash the demons to conquer our world and rule it. The demons feel unthreatened by the angels, because the realms were each decreed not to interfere with other realms. Of course the demons care not for divine decrees, and they know that the humans would have to unlock their portal which is believed to result in Armageddon due to the immense war the angels and demons would create. It ends on a cliffhanger, as just to be sure the demons send in the Harmagedon Hetairoi (the Four Horsemen) to scout Atlantis. Finding it unlocked, Michael and his angels battle the horsemen, with Michael discovering that the horsemen are not demons as they anticipated, but in fact gods. This angers Michael to ignoring the decree and declaring war upon the demons, ending the book to set up the next one.

I'm allowed to do two paragraphs? I read I was only allowed one, hence my attempts to cram it all in. I will take yours and the other quality suggestions and try to incorporate it into two paragraphs. Thank you for all your suggestions, and hopefully I cleared up some more of the confusion I have created.
 
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Ha, I knew there was a story in there somewhere. Much more interesting. Yes, you can do two paragraphs. I'll go over your new info when I get a chance. You won't need all the backstory (I don't think you need to show Samuel's ancestral line in the query,) but you've got your world frame and specific character goals. Don't get rid of Melvyn. Is Alexandre like Arthur?
 
Yes, Alexandre is descended from the Pendragon bloodline that traveled to Britain from Rome centuries ago. This plays an important role in regards to the sacred sword.

Here's try number 736, or whatever number it is. I like this one a lot as I think it pretty much covers the MAIN plot points.

With our world torn by World War III, blind bounty hunter Edward Grimshaw has one desire: vengeance for the death of his love at the hands of her brother. After stumbling upon the formation of the Revelation Revolution, a secret society intending to rule the world, Grimshaw is wrongly imprisoned. Freed by Alexandre Penn, a constable tasked with capturing a wanted member of the Revolution, they must develop a plan to stop them. Unfortunately the Seventh Seal becomes shattered, unveiling Pandemonium, the portal to the demon world Ignisregnum. With the Revolution unleashing malevolent forces upon our world, it becomes clear that the vendettas of Grimshaw and Alexandre must take a backseat to their survival.

Melvyn Walshe, an old friend of Alexandre’s superior who wields vast knowledge and a mysterious past, insists the only hope is to seek Heligswer. A sacred sword that must be handled by those pure of heart, Heligswer is also the key to unlocking the portal to Lucisilva, the angel world. Forged by fate to lead a team manifested by destiny, Alexandre stands at the gates of Atlantis on the brink of Armageddon weighing the only choices left for our waning world. Will he endanger our existence to request the angels finish their war from centuries past or insure survival by forfeiting mankind’s freedom to infernal enslavement?
 
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Tim_Seraphim said:
Yes, Alexandre is descended from the Pendragon bloodline that traveled to Britain from Rome centuries ago. This plays an important role in regards to the sacred sword.

Here's try number 736, or whatever number it is. I like this one a lot as I think it pretty much covers the MAIN plot points.

With our world torn by World War III, blind bounty hunter Edward Grimshaw has one desire: vengeance for the death of his love at the hands of her brother. After stumbling upon the formation of the Revelation Revolution, a secret society intending to rule the world, Grimshaw is wrongly imprisoned. Freed by Alexandre Penn, a constable tasked with capturing a wanted member of the Revolution, they must develop a plan to stop them. Unfortunately the Seventh Seal becomes shattered, unveiling Pandemonium, the portal to the demon world Ignisregnum. With the Revolution unleashing malevolent forces upon our world, it becomes clear that the vendettas of Grimshaw and Alexandre must take a backseat to their survival.
Click to expand...


You need to deal with "constable". To most editors, that's going to be a small town or county cop, not anyone who's tasked with anything of the magnitude you indicate. Now the old meanings of constable could apply, maybe, but better would be "agent" and better still would be "agent of the [name of organization that gave Penn that task.]" Also notice that in the next paragraph, you have the awkward "old friend of Alexandre's superior" but you haven't said who that is. Use either last names or given names (after introducing by full name) but not one Grimshaw and one Alexandre. Either it's Edward and Alexandre, or Grimshaw and Penn.

The Seventh Seal "becomes" shattered? No. Something shatters it. Or it shatters because X happens. "Becomes shattered" is...not adequate. (I get the feeling that you're trying to conceal, rather than reveal, things. A query letter or synopsis is not the place to play games...it's a time to lay your cards on the table, show your hand, and let the agent or editor decide if they like the arrangement.) You don't say (except to us) that Alexandre Penn is of the Pendragon line, that you put its origin in Rome, etc. Since you're trying to pull together multiple mythic traditions, this would be a good point to make.

Melvyn Walshe, an old friend of Alexandre’s superior who wields vast knowledge and a mysterious past, insists the only hope is to seek Heligswer. A sacred sword that must be handled by those pure of heart, Heligswer is also the key to unlocking the portal to Lucisilva, the angel world. Forged by fate to lead a team manifested by destiny, Alexandre stands at the gates of Atlantis on the brink of Armageddon weighing the only choices left for our waning world. Will he endanger our existence to request the angels finish their war from centuries past or insure survival by forfeiting mankind’s freedom to infernal enslavement?
Click to expand...

Two problems in first sentence. 1) "an old friend of Alexandre's superior" is awkward and probably unnecessary. Does Alexandre know Melvyn? If so, use alternative, simpler form. Or leave it out, and start with his name. This is a long sentence anyway, and I'm going to argue that it needs to be longer, but also smoother. I'm also not thrilled with "wields" vast knowledge, etc. Unless you're going to show Melvyn being active, in which case, give him a chance to show it now. 2) The attribution for the magic sword needs to be linked immediately, in the same sentence, to its name. So the clause belongs in sentence 1, not sentence 2. Thus I would recast as:

Alexandre's (friend/advisor/whatever) Melvyn Walshe, a man of vast knowledge and a mysterious past, insists the only hope is to seek Heligswer, a sacred sword that can only be handled by those pure of heart.

It would be interesting to know a) what organization Alexandre Penn is in, 2) whether Melvyn Walshe is a member of it (since you've told us Melvyn knows Alexandre's boss) and something more about the source of Melvyn's vast knowledge and mysterious past. Is Melvyn 1000 years old and actually a descendant of a Chinese sage? Or what? I can understand your not spilling all the spoiler-beans out of the box here, but agents and editors can be pretty ho-hum about common story components like people with a mysterious past.

There's a grammatical error in the last sentence.
 
Alexandre does not know Melvyn, nor do they work in the same organization. Alexandre works for the Serious Organized Crime Agency in England. His superior, the Home Secretary Reginald Ridley, doesn't make an appearance in the novel save a couple of phone conversations, hence I felt naming him wasn't vital. I do agree the sentence is confusing, but I hadn't thought of a better way to word it without leaving out parts.

Do you not refer to some people by their first names and some people by their last? Perhaps it may be a local thing.

Melvyn will merely be a bystander for most of the first book, helping direct the characters the way supernatural guides always do. He is a nephilim, the offspring of a fallen angel and a human, so yes he's over 1,000 years old. I don't plan to reveal this in the first book as it doesn't become relevant until the second, but should I just to add to the character?

I had a blonde moment on 'becomes.' I see your point and completely agree.

I'm not seeing the error. Perhaps a comma before or, yet that phrase wouldn't make a sentence on its own?

Thanks for the suggestions. They are greatly appreciated.
 
Melvyn is Merlin, and Alex is descended from Arthur.

There are seven dimensions, including Earth, that were sealed off from each other after the devastation of the war between the Norse Alfheim angels of Atlantis and the demons of (whatever that realm was called.)

With our world torn apart by World War III, a shadowy crime organization called the Revelation Revolution has its tentacles in the remaining governments and plans to shatter the Seventh Seal by finding and using the spear (whatever it was called,) opening up the gate to the demon realm. Into this plot stumbles Edward Grimshaw, a blind, former bounty hunter seeking the man who killed his lover. He is rescued from prison by Alexandre Penn, a British agent trying to take the Revolution down. Something happens (I'm guessing the bad guys find and acquire the spear even though the good guys try to stop them,) they fail, and the Seal is shattered by presumably the killer guy Edward is after.

Alexandre gets help from Melvyn, a cabbie and undercover agent who knows more than anyone can guess. He explains to Alexandre that he's descended from the Pendragon line of Norse and Celtic legend, and as such, if he and Edward can get the sword Heligswer, Alexandre can use it to open the gate to Atlantis and procure the aid of the angels/elves. The angels can drive the demons back, but this time will their war mean the end of the Earth?

So that's the information that you need to get in the query letter, in two paragraphs. It gives them the frame, the mythological references, the two main characters, the basic plot. You might even be able to add some detail. Are there some gripping sequences related to the main plot? Do any of the other realms come into play in the story and what is their mythic basis? Any females in here? How do they get the sword, maybe.

But you need the frame of the world setting to some extent. I was able to summarize it, so it can be done. Give it another go along those lines.
 
Eventually there's a team of 8 trying to stop the Revolution, 4 of which being female. The team never actually gets to try and stop the RR from getting the spear, because they get it while sending part of their team to get rid of Grimshaw & the others as a distraction. The heroes obviously stop the distraction but are too late to do anything about acquiring Oheligbur, so Melvyn insists they go straight for getting Heligswer and opening the portal to Lucisilva.

The other realms play no major role in the first book. Melvyn is not an agent, but perhaps having him as some form of super secret British agent would help things make a bit more sense instead of just trying to chain him to the plot through association.

The shattering of the Seventh Seal, Giza Pyramid, is actually done by another character who is part of the RR, Midas Moustafa Harmatha. Samuel questions his loyalty and forces him to pull the lever. A bomb is dropped from an airship onto it, blowing it to smithereens. This happens while a third division of the RR is sent to get Oheligbur. The man who gets that is the murdering/cannibalistic/rapist Alexandre was chasing. Once he's taken into the RR's fold, his boss Ridley tasks him with taking the Revolution down.

Other mythologies will come into play, but only gradually and per book. The first one hints at the angel/demon mythology, with the end setting up the war between them. The second book will be the war, which will ultimately end with the arrival of the Greek gods to reprimand the angels. The problem with that will be when Ares arrives with his own faction of gods to destroy the others for denying him his 'rightful place' on Zeus' throne after his death.
 
After re-researching the information I looked up on the blurb within the query, it seems to me most people here are wanting me to do the exact OPPOSITE of what is suggested. I've been withholding things not so much as to keep people from knowing something, but trying to keep it concise. I've read at 10+ different sites to focus on one character, yet it seems most of my suggestions here are wanting me to continuously include other characters. Every 'good example' I have read barely reaches over 4 sentences, where as mine has become 2 elongated paragraphs detailing every little plot point because people keep asking why. That's the point of the blurb! I'm supposed to compel you to read it, not answer everything about the story.

Don't get me wrong, I have discovered some errors, and I'm greatly appreciative of everyone's time and suggestions. However I'm starting to feel I'm telling every minor subplot of the book as apposed to creating a quick excerpt to get people interested in reading it. A blurb shouldn't answer every little minor details as to why Grimshaw's socks aren't white should it?
 
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Ah, well here we get to the heart of it -- publishing people aren't the same as readers. They're publishing people. They are the folk you are asking to be your business partners, not the folk who read a blurb on the back cover of a book and think about whether they are intrigued enough to buy it. Publishing folk don't want to be intrigued (well, not intrigued in that way,) they want to be informed. They want to know the ending. They want to know what you have to see if they want to invest in it. And they are largely inured to market speak in describing a book because they are the people who write the market speak to sell the books. You can't compel them to read your book by vaguely talking about your main character and promising that he might do something exciting in the book. You have to tell them what exciting things he does.

Agents request to look at many queries and if you are doing a query packet with chapters, your chapters may get looked at first anyway. So they understand that authors may be vague and they may respond to vague. But they have to be able to understand what the hell you're talking about in terms of the plot. The seventh realms may not be much discussed in the first book -- and if you want them to be a surprise, you can not go into the whole detail perhaps. But those seventh realms play a very important role in your first book because the angel-demon war is what caused all the realms to be sealed off, and the seal to the demon realm is called the Seventh Seal. Unless you explain that it's called that because it's the seal to the seventh realm, most will assume you're talking about the Christian Biblical seal -- seven seals to seal in the devil. Which means they'll be very confused when you're talking about a seal to the angels.

Essentially, you're taking many different myths and you are playing with them and changing them into a new mythology -- the seventh realms. Which is dandy. But unless they have an idea that this is the set-up, it's going to be hard to follow. Other works may not be playing around with material as much and therefore, don't have to describe as much of the frame. If you're doing traditional vampires, you don't have to explain how the vampires work. If the vampires are actually chimpanzees, then you do have to explain that to publishing people (but not to readers.)

You don't need to give the color of Ed's socks, but that Ed is blind is freaking important to the plot. That he was a bounty hunter is important. That he seeks to avenge his love's death is important. More to the point, it makes him interesting. It makes him distinctive, which makes it more compelling to check out the book. Or you can be super concise and boring. They're only getting a few hundred, thousand queries a week.

Believe me, they aren't going to freak out that you took two short paragraphs to give a quick description of the novel. Over on another thread, we've been informed that apparently some agents are asking for extensive packages (though no one's sure what exactly they want in them.)

If you want to do four sentences, do four sentences -- that's one paragraph, which is fine too, though two is okay. But you better make sure they are very clear sentences and offer something interesting. Because just doing blurb talk has low odds of cutting it with publishing people.

I've got no idea who has their sample queries up on the Net and who they published with. But if you want, load one of them up and say who the person is and who took them on or bought their book and I'll try to analyze it for you.
 
A few things I think need to be clarified before I get to my post.

There aren't seven realms, there are eight; one must include our own realm. We have to count for something! I'm not changing anything, merely putting different ingredients together into a new recipe. The multiple world concept I took from Norse mythology. The reason it is called the Seventh Seal is because there were six others, that of course were destroyed. How do I know this? The Seven Seals are the Seven Wonders of the ancient world. The only one left is the Giza Pyramid, ergo it is the seventh seal. Does it unseal the devil? Yes it does, I just chose not to refer to him as 'the devil.' He doesn't appear in the book at all, he is what the villains are attempting to reach. They have to unlock the unveiled portal in order for him to come to our world. The other realms aren't unlocked yet; that's why they are unimportant in the book. In the end, the heroes aim to unlock the portal to the angel realm in order to protect them against the demons that they were in charge of doing so long ago, before the separation of the realms.

I know more than anyone who has ever read this thread that Grimshaw being blind is freaking important. I know him being a gunslinger is also important, and more so his vengeance being as that is the driving plot of the book. I was stating a sarcastic example in regards to the post that practically asked me to identify every other word of my blurb. The series is one giant plotline, however Grimshaw's story is the genesis of it. There will be many characters coming and going throughout the series, and each book will focus on a different one. Grimshaw cares very little about a sword, demons coming back, and talking to angels. He has a bullet with Robert Justice's name on it and plans to introduce to his skull by any means necessary. Is Alexandre important? Absolutely; but it's not his story. His story will come, it's just not this one.

I don't mean to come off as attacking or insulting. I'm just not seeing the reason why I need to spend so much time setting up and explaining the grandiose scheme of the universe. It's our world, OURS! It's our blue sky, our white clouds, our green grass, our war, and our history and mythology. The book doesn't even go to any of the other seven realms! As far as it goes is the portal to Lucisilva, which happens to be Atlantis, right here on our earth. Please don't misunderstand; clarifying multiple worlds IS important, however I just don't think it's important to the book, as it's not important to Grimshaw. When the fecal matter hits the fan, and angels and demons are streaking the skies assaulting each other, obviously it will be necessary, but that's not until book 2.

I don't need to post the other supposed "query blurbs that got published" because I'll tell you personally that I thought they sucked. The authors of the blogs commented on how 'who, what, where, & why' were hit on, but other than that every one I read was uninteresting. Do I NEED four sentences? Absolutely not. Do I WANT two bloated paragraphs, half of the time spent explaining and defining worlds and weapons that the main character could give two farts about? No. The Revelation Revolution coming together and sending Justice off on errands to help initiate new world order are only hinderances to Grimshaw's vengeance. Once he has his revenge, they still have the world going forfeit to the Diaboli to deal with, but Grimshaw doesn't care. That's someone else's problem, and a different book to deal with.

I hope this clarifies more of the confusion I have unleashed. Sorry for the misunderstanding.
 
There isn't any misunderstanding. If you don't find my comments helpful, you don't. You clearly write well. But the fact that people wanted the information and it wasn't there and they were more interested on getting the information -- that's perhaps a sign that the four sentences or eight (which is hardly bloated,) need to have some of that information. Your first pass made no mention of Ed being blind or a bounty hunter, or why he sought vengeance, or really anything about him. I had to ask you to get that information.

Obviously the book is about Ed, but from what you've described so far, Alex's quest sounds more important and Ed mainly along for the ride. So if the story is more about Ed hunting down Justice than going after the sword and Alex opening up the portal to the angels, then the description should probably be built around Ed's journey. If the hunt for the sword is how Ed goes about getting his vengeance, then you can describe that. And you can do it in one sentence. But our world or not, using old myths or not, you are setting up a complex mythology in the series in which there is not just one myth system at work, such as the Norse, but everything from Greek gods to Merlin. And some of that is likely to impact on the plot of the first book and may have to at least be given a bare bones explanation so they can understand what the hey you are talking about with regards to the plot.

So consider -- what are the most important things about Ed and the story concerning Ed that an agent would need to know? What is most interesting about Ed? What are the most interesting things that happen to Ed in the story? And see if you can do it in four sentences.

And additionally, as this may come up when you are working with various people, the reason I asked you all the questions was not so that every answer could be in the query description. I asked you all the questions to find out what the story was so I could make suggestions about what to put in the query description, with a minimal amount of error. From what you've told me, that Ed is blind, was a bounty hunter, and is seeking vengeance on the man who killed his love (man or woman?) has to be in the query description.

Again, it might not be a bad thing for you to put up one of those sample queries, particularly one that you think sucked. I may be able to tell you why it worked (I'm assuming these are sold authors doing this?) and that might be helpful. You might also find what some other authors did in the Infamous Query Letter thread possibly useful. (And you'll see I've had this exact conversation with others before.) :)
 
Tim,

Just some thoughts;

Yes, it is our world, but not as we know it. You are using legends, myths of our world etc but weaving them into your own tale. That does need to be made clear in your synospis in as few words as possible. You do need to boil down your story to a crisp, clear, basic story line. Who your hero is? Who villian is? How they clash, and the outcome also needs to be clear. You hold nothing back in a synoipsis, no teasers, cliff hangers, nothing....

Remember you are pitching your story to someone who is looking, not only for a damn good story, but something that will make them, and you, money. It is a job interview, or a two minute stint in the Dragon's Den with your "product"(book) in your hot, sweaty hands ;). You have got to convince the Dragons(agents) you are worth them investing their time and money in. You will per product (book) only have one shot per agent. Make it a good one each time.

I can tell you, depending on the agents' guidelines, you will need a two of three sentence potted version of your story, and you will need a five page version, and everything in between.

Listen to Kat, you might not like, or agree with what she is saying, but she does know what she is taking about.

Thanks to her advice, support and help, and that of all the members here over the years, I now have a top notch agent. If I hadn't of reined in, tightened, and developed my synopsis, pitches etc then I would still be floundering.
 
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I just want to say Tim that I hope some of my comments were helpful and I hope I haven't turned you off using this forum as a resource. I tend to push authors when it comes to the query letters, because I dealt with so many of them when I was an agent, but certainly my advice is no guarantee of anything. You have an interesting story there; my suggestion is just to highlight the most interesting things about it -- the multiple worlds, Ed being blind, etc.
 
Sorry about the delay in posts; been a bit busy with work and overhaulling the novel. I did the painful 'does this character actually contribute to the plot' axing which trimmed down the cast from 50+ to around 30. I feel this is a good thing as it will give me more room to focus on the primary characters and elaborate on the important yet not main ones.

Due to some of the questions asked in this thread I decided some things needed reworked to make a bit more sense in the 'real world,' so I tweaked a couple of the characters to be more relatable. It made more sense to me for Melvyn to be a retired MI6 agent who is descended from Merlin than a mysterious cab driver that knows everything because he IS Merlin. The plot is still very much the same, I've just tried to make things more sensible.

I appreciate getting pushed when it comes to my writing. It's not some random phase I developed one day after watching a movie based on a book. I've pretty much destined myself to be an author since I could remember learning how to write. To say this is a 20 year obsession could be a bit of an understatement, I just never realized how much work went into writing in ADDITION to writing. Damn us perfectionists, eh?

As stated I am still greatly appreciative of people's replies and suggestions. My plan is to go through the book to finish the changes I've made and try the blurb again. I'm thinking one short paragraph to set up the environment and setting, followed by a larger paragraph explaining Ed & his vengeance, the plans for world domination, and the fact Ed doesn't care.
 
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