Flash Fic Contest: The Return: Voting thread 2

[MrBF1V3]

This is the second voting thread for the Flash Fiction Contest: The Return. Those who entered were given the task of writing a story, 1000 words or less, on the topic, the return.

Everyone who is a member of sffworld is allowed to vote. There is no charge. If I did it right the titles on the poll are links to the stories themselves. Read and enjoy, and feel free to comment on any or all of the stories on this thread. Also, there will very likely be spoilers, you may want to read the stories first.

We have fifteen stories entered, unfortunately we're only allowed to put 12 items into the poll, and I won't ask two other people to drop their stories, so here's what we're going to do.

We have two threads. There will be 7 or 8 stories on each thread. They will be divided down the middle in the order they were posted. This allows for anyone to vote on both threads, so, more or less, everyone gets two votes. (There are countries who can't make that claim.) Whoever gets the most votes overall will be declared the winner, I'm not in for an elimination tourney. In the event of a tie, we will hope someone else votes at the last minute. (Otherwise, we'll think of something...)

The winner gets to run, control and otherwise organize the next flash fiction contest. We respectfully request whoever wins wait a month before the next contest. Help is available if needed.

Starting now...

B5

Oh and, um ... many happy returns.

 

[MrBF1V3]

I wanted to comment on the stories in this section. We sure have a lot of talented people on this site.

********************************

9 The Tree
This one was almost poetry, and would not have been out of place if it were. (I suspect I know your inspiration, but even if, very good.) If you were a tree, what kind of tree ...?

10 When She Returns
I'm not sure I understood it all, but it was good.

11 Customer Service
The moral of the story: If you want it done right, don't send a clone.

12 Cash or Credit
How rude! He should know you can't return one of those once you've used it. Nicely done.

13 The Villa
History, texture, explosive at the end. What more could you ask for?

14 Going Home
Boy, I wouldn't want to mess with a bargha. I used to feel that way too, but then I got a better job.

15 The Return
After reading your post I thought the story might be terrible, not so much. It's a dialogue with a mystery. I like it.

Wow.

B5

 

[Dawnstorm]

Voted for "Customer Service". Cartoon humour with a nasty streak. And it works.

 

[Gkarlives]

I voted for the Tree. It was just a beautiful story. I also thought the Villa was handled well, but I loved the theme of the Tree. Customer Services' humor was good too.

 

[Hereford Eye]

There were two in this batch that I thought better than the rest: Customer Service and Cash or Credit. Of these two, my nod goes to Customer Service for the malapropic dialogue.

 

[EnlightenedOne]

OK, deep breath...

9. The Tree by Anne Terrys

Nice story, but it reads more like a poem than a story and would probably be better suited to that format. I can't really fault it, except that is rather lacking in a conclusion or a solution for my liking and that the boy comes across as a bit of a mindless moron. Try and get inside his head a bit more.


10. When She Returns by Mark DeWilde

I really don't get this one. Maybe I've been staring at this computer screen too long, but I'm not sure I fully understand what's happening here. Also, the dialogue seems to be quite stilted and artificial, and while I suspect this may be deliberate, it's hard to tell whether this is the case or not in this short of a story. Overall, the whole thing reads like one of those what-the-hell-was-that-all-about passages that can work very well as the prologue for a novel where the reader is left clamouring for an explanation, but I don't think it works well in this format. If you're going to write a piece like this, the reader should be satisfied that he knows what just happened, not left wondering what the hell is going on.


11. Customer Service by Taramoc Lurrec

Great story, I liked it. I'm not going to bother commenting on the science as in an outright comedy like this you can get away with those sort of ridiculous scenarios. The only thing I can really nitpick is the punctuation, especially as regards the dialogue. Though it often seems to be dictated by opinion more than anything else, there are several places where a comma before or after a portion of speech, or starting a passage of dialogue with a capital letter would be appropriate. If nothing else it would give the story a cleaner appearance.

Other than that, I can't fault it. This one works. Of this lot, this one has my vote.


12. Cash or Credit by Linton Robinson

OK story, well-written. I had no problems with the format or the grammar but the conclusion seemed a little weak. I can see what the writer is attempting to do, but I don't think it works that well. Just because he used the gun doesn't mean the reader has to assume the worst - after all, maybe he was just testing it. It's not a bad story, but it just lacks a little something to make it work.


13. The Villa by Simon Jones

Again, like the last, an OK, gramatically-sound story, but it comes across as weak and lacking something. I suspect the problem with this one is that the writer is attempting to encomapass a much larger story in a very small one and it simply doesn't fit well. The story leaves too many questions unanswered, too many gaps, too much not said. I'm guessing that the writer is trying to convey that an evil conqueror has just fallen foul of nasty trap left for him by the conquered, but that is not the only way to read this story. For a story of this format, a somewhat less-ambitious setting would probably have been more appropriate for this plot to work.


14. GOING HOME by Kathryn Bishoff

This is an annoyingly difficult story to nitpick, so I suppose I'll just have to concede that it's a good story. Damn.

And yet, I find myself wondering why I have to begrudgingly concede that. If it's such a well-written, consistent story with a satisfying ending, why do I feel the need to find fault with it? The answer, I think, lies in the question - why do I care about this character? The story does not really go to much into the protagonist, who he is, where he is, why he wants to go home. At the end I'm left with the slightly cynical feeling, "Oh look, he made it, how nice," as opposed to joy and happiness at his escape. I'm not advocating writing a 4,000 word account of his life, but something simple as having him repeat the name of his wife, or having him think about being able to see his kids again would, I think, make a massive difference to the story. As it is, it seems a little cold and impersonal. I don't know this guy, I don't really care that he made it. Sure, it was nice but I wouldn't have lost any sleep if all that happened was that he provided the bargha with a wholesome, nutritious meal.


15. The Return by Tyler Kresch

A strange one, but interesting nevertheless. The story itself is quite good, and I haven't been able to nitpick the grammar or the punctuation, but I don't think it works too well in this format. The madness of the protagonist comes across well, but there's too many unanswered questions, too much that isn't said, and can't be said without spoiling the tone of the story. That's why I don't think it works in this format. Also, I'm still not sure if there's a dialogue or if it's only a monologue. I suspect the latter, but I'm not totally certain about that. I just don't think the story works as well as it deserves to.


See my post in the "other" thread for my disclaimer.

 

[7valentine]

9. The Tree by Anne Terrys

This one gets my vote. beautifully written. faultless.


10. When She Returns by Mark DeWilde

I'm afraid I didn't get this story. I couldn't really connect with it.


11. Customer Service by Taramoc Lurrec

I loved this story. I wish I could write like this.


12. Cash or Credit by Linton Robinson

Good story. A fair idea that is well executed. One of the best in this batch.


13. The Villa by Simon Jones

Great work. Like the ending. Very compact story with lots of material within the word limit.


14. GOING HOME by Kathryn Bishoff

Again great ending. Well written throughout. Another strong entry.


15. The Return by Tyler Kresch

I like the story overall. However there are a few unanswered questions.

 

[Salsa Dip]

My two faves (out of the entire competition) were the two customer services ones

I decided on Lin's entry, Cash or Credit, as I felt the punch line in the other one did not hit home as well as it could.

 

[Mice9]

10. When She Returns by Mark DeWilde

I really don't get this one. Maybe I've been staring at this computer screen too long, but I'm not sure I fully understand what's happening here. Also, the dialogue seems to be quite stilted and artificial, and while I suspect this may be deliberate, it's hard to tell whether this is the case or not in this short of a story. Overall, the whole thing reads like one of those what-the-hell-was-that-all-about passages that can work very well as the prologue for a novel where the reader is left clamouring for an explanation, but I don't think it works well in this format. If you're going to write a piece like this, the reader should be satisfied that he knows what just happened, not left wondering what the hell is going on.

Well, ya know... maybe I just suck as a writer. No reason to get your panties in a wad, oh "Enlightened one".

I didn't understand "The Tree", and it got a whole bunch of votes. (please don't bother explaining to me. It's like trying to explain a joke when someone didn't get it in the first place. It just ruins it.)

I was trying to write something beautiful. I guess I failed. I was trying to produce a sense of wonder, not a sense of anger.

I thought this was a Science Fiction contest since this is a science fiction site. I really liked MrBF1V3's. It was science fiction, and it wasn't about violence. I also liked "Arrowin's Return" even though it was violent. It was very well written.

I won't be entering another one of these anytime soon.

- 9.

 

[acereader]

Well, ya know... maybe I just suck as a writer. No reason to get your panties in a wad, oh "Enlightened one".

\

I won't be entering another one of these anytime soon.

- 9.

I hope that you do enter again. I enjoyed yours and thought the concepts were interesting. I like that you didn't have a punchline.

Enlightened One is not trying to be mean, nor is he/she necessarily right. It is an opinion, not a personal attack.

Like you I wish more of the pieces were SF/Fantasy, but that's the way it goes. Even mine was less traditionally fantasy (but still in that realm IMO).


Anne Terrys

 

[MrBF1V3]

We did not specify ssf at the beginning of the contest, so there was no expectation that all of the stories would be. On the other hand, considering what kind of site this is, it isn't surprising that many of the stories presented here follow those lines.

Mice9, as long as there have been writers there have been critics. EnlightenedOne, I suspect, thought he was commenting on the story, not the writer. If you write and let other people read what you've written, someone will feel the need to comment on it. You need to read those comments and learn from them; see the story as they read it. Ignore all the other stuff. That's how you improve at your craft.

Enter the next contest, or not, that choice is yours.

B5

 

[Mice9]

Mice9, as long as there have been writers there have been critics. EnlightenedOne, I suspect, thought he was commenting on the story, not the writer.

B5

Why do these conversations always get so overblown? I never said anything remotely suggesting that he was commenting on me as a writer. I commented on myself as a writer. And I just said maybe. The point I was trying to make is that his post was angry. Using the phrase "what the hell" anywhere in a commentary is going to sound angry. I guess I can't even post replies without people misunderstanding me. Wow.

- 9.

 

[EnlightenedOne]

Well, ya know... maybe I just suck as a writer. No reason to get your panties in a wad, oh "Enlightened one".

Dude, you're reading far too much into my critique. To clarify, I was not making any comment on you as a writer. I've never read any of your other works so I'm in no position to make such a judgment, all I can comment on is this one story. Also, I fail to see how you can interpret my critique as being angry. Angry people, at least the ones I know, generally resort to bad language, insults and personal attacks. My post contains none of those so I can only assume you are being hyper-sensitive here.

What I was actually doing was pointing out that I did not understand the story, tried to explain why I thought that and offer suggestions on how it could be improved. If you look at this thread you will notice that several people said that they did not understand the story, I was just more articulate about it.

I won't be entering another one of these anytime soon.

If you didn't like my critique, fine. If you didn't think it was fair or even correct, that's OK too. But this is just a bit of an overreaction. If you can't take criticism then don't bother trying to be a writer.

 

[Gkarlives]

If you didn't like my critique, fine. If you didn't think it was fair or even correct, that's OK too. But this is just a bit of an overreaction. If you can't take criticism then don't bother trying to be a writer.

If you are wondering as to why people are reacting the way they are to your posts, it is not what you are saying, but how you are saying it. Yes it is an important thing for writers to have a tough skin as B5 suggested, but it would also not hurt for critiquers to remember how important someones work is to them. Simon may be right in his assessments on American Idol, but it really doesn't excuse the rudness.

I won't be entering another one of these anytime soon.

You may want to try again just to toughen up and/or challenge yourself.

 

[Mice9]

Dude, you're reading far too much into my critique. To clarify, I was not making any comment on you as a writer.

Dude, as nice as I can be about this... You didn't even read the post right above yours before you posted that says "I never said anything remotely suggesting that he was commenting on me as a writer."

Go back and read it. Then talk to me.

Also, I fail to see how you can interpret my critique as being angry. Angry people, at least the ones I know, generally resort to bad language, insults and personal attacks. My post contains none of those so I can only assume you are being hyper-sensitive here.

You DID use bad language. I'm starting to see a pattern here. You aren't even taking the time to read things carefully in the first place, and so you really shouldn't be critiquing anything. You don't even realize you cursed!

If you can't take criticism then don't bother trying to be a writer.

Boy, If I had a nickel for every time I'd heard that one, I'd be rich. But I would still write because it's something I love. I'm not the least bit upset or worried about any of this. I was just pointing out that your post was angry - if you don't want it interpreted that way then stop cursing. I guess I was also saying that I'm not going to submit on a site where people give angry critiques. Peace and Love, Oh Enlightened one.

- 9.

 

[Salsa Dip]

Mice, "hell" isn't a swear word. It's not 1955.

 

[Susan Boulton]

Ok, deep breath here folks... This is for fun, if comments are made then say thank you and move on. If you think they are useful apply them, if not don't, simple as that.

Mice 9, and this is just my opinion, the critique was mild, the swear word was "hell" as in what in hell? = what on earth? in other words Duh? I don't get it. I honestly don't think it was meant in an angry manner at all. Just as comment from one person's point of view. Also, if you join a critique group like onlinewriting, critters, or the one Rocket Sheep is involved in you will get critiques that will take the skin off your back. I can understand you not liking a critique, even getting angry at it, but to moan about it and post in a manner that looks like to others that you have thrown your toys out the pram is not the way to go forward.

 

[EnlightenedOne]

Dude, as nice as I can be about this... You didn't even read the post right above yours before you posted that says "I never said anything remotely suggesting that he was commenting on me as a writer.".

Go back and read it. Then talk to me.

Actually I did, I was just clarifying my position to clear up any possible confusion on the matter.

You DID use bad language.

Umm, I did? Maybe it's my upbringing, but "what-the-hell" would probably get you branded as posh and pompous where I grew up where more colourful language is the order of the day. It's not a question of whether or not I realised I cursed, it's just that we appear to have very different ideas of what constitutes a curse, which is, I suspect, quite possibly the main problem. What to me seemed like a reasoned, honest -- if perhaps unflattering -- criticism comes across to you as an angry outburst, which I can assure you it was not.

I'm not the least bit upset or worried about any of this.

Your outburst did not come across that way.

I was just pointing out that your post was angry

Which it wasn't...

if you don't want it interpreted that way then stop cursing.

Which I didn't...

I guess I was also saying that I'm not going to submit on a site where people give angry critiques.

Which this site isn't...


Sigh! You'd think on a forum dedicated to and populated by writers, we'd be able to understand each other better and not get bogged down in petty semantics, but alas even here misunderstandings and misinterpretations happen. To clarify, and to hopefully put this matter to rest, my original critique, however it came across, was intended to be an honest and well-meaning critique of a piece which in the opinion of an unpublished amatuer did not work for me. Your response came across as angry and hypersensitive, hence my response was considerably more emotive.

Peace and Love, Oh Enlightened one.

Don't make me come over there and slap you.

 

[Mice9]

Great! If using the word "hell" isn't cursing, then why don't you all go to hell? You can't say for sure whether I was angry when I said that, because you can't read tone on a forum. I wasn't. (It's in the way you use it, not the word itself. It's a little different when it's pointed at you, isn't it?)

Regardless of how the word was used, I would never use it around my kids. In my house it is 1955.

Thanks Gnarlives.

- 9.

 

[MrBF1V3]

As entertaining as this all is, I'm going to change the subject.

(Besides, it's a red letter day. My $15000 part turned out to only be $6000. -- long story, just be happy with me.)

Has anyone else noticed places where there is a difference between how the voting is on this thread and how the stories are rated in the "stories" section? Sometimes it's kind of a mixed message.

B5