Authors Co-operate together to produce a short story/stories

It really isn't that bad for a first draft!!

The gramma's a bit off but not as bad as you make it out to be or as i said earlier my computer would have picked up on it. As for what happens in it well thats a matter of opinion whether its good or not. So far you have been the only one to comment on the events in it. One other person has agreed with you saying it has bad gramma.

Why has no one else commented on it for?

........


Please everyone else comment on it!!
 
Okay, so I haven't posted before, but I have been lurking for a while now. As computer is begging for opinions I thought I'd take a quick look at the work so far. I hope that's all right.

First though - this isn't meant to hurt anyone's feelings. However, I do realise that it can be hard to take any kind of criticism, even when it's trying to help, but it's an important process in writing if you ever intend to be published. Computer, you might find it easier after others have published chapters too, so that you can see that there is usually at least tiny faults (or improvements to be made) in everyone's work.

It would take too long to do a proper crit so some of this is just general observations from the beginning, that can, I think be applied generally thoughout the story:

*The grammar isn't great - but this can be fixed in the editing stage, although I think it would take quite a lot of work.
*There's a lot of vocabulary repetition.
*Marc doesn't seem a very likeable character. No one is perfect, but starting off describing him as lazy is not going to endear him to a reader
*Be careful of telling rather than showing. You describe the first city as having lots of purse-cutters - why not see one in action. He finds himself chatting to an adventurer - if this is relevant to the story we should get to hear some dialogue, otherwise it's almost unnecessary.
*Be careful of using generic fantasy cliches - although they can work if written well. E.g. You talk about lots of adventurers at the beginning - this seems a bit cliched to me personally, although if you've all agreed that there should be bands of adventurers that's fine. But how do they live? Adventuring doesn't usually pay a wage. Do they live off the land? Would they be better called 'travellers' or something similar?
*This chapter seems to be far too fast-paced. Lots of things happen but are barely even described in summary before Marc moves on to something/somewhere else. But at the same time some things are focused on that just don't seem relevant - there's too much info on things that don't really matter, and areas that could be really interesting for the reader aren't explored to their full potential. I would consider shortening the area that this chapter covers (but you don't have to shorten the chapter), and then looking at what's left in more detail. I know this sounds a bit vague - maybe someone else can explain what I mean better.

I won't go on as I don't want it to seem like I'm being horrible and hopefully you'll get some more crits from your other collaborators. You should be proud to have completed something, but please don't take that pride too far and be arrogant.

that's it for now.
 
Last edited:
Yup, I've read Marc's chapter. It starts out roughly, partly because of the grammer...but gets quite a bit better about halfway through. The way most editors would help that is to start at the part where it gets interesting...and use the previous, more informational and slower beginning parts as flashbacks. I think the chapter ends with a really cool twist of how the character gets on the ship.

What about the idea of using the name of the character as the heading of the chapter - as authors often do? Then we can bring an understanding of multiple points of view once we get all the characters together on the ship.
 
The story won't be harmed at all if Marc stays in Ankapoor. Give an impression of a city, rather than just skip along to an other one.

I think the chapter ends with a really cool twist of how the character gets on the ship.
Click to expand...
What twist?

Why does the aero naught walk around with marc for no reason? If he was an Ankapoor he would be able to show him around... perhaps. The writing does get better as it goes along, but there's still lots of convoluted and not needed sentences.

An aeronaught would not just walk aroudn on his own. There segregated from most other people and would probably walk around in groups(methinks).

I also think it would be good to avoid the drill room. If they were goign anywhere for fun I doubt they would go someplace like that.

People wouldn't just hop along for free weapon training. It would be a proper training course.

Just wondering, what is the importance of the assassins (which are very stereotypical)?
 
Why use assassins?

Well I needed to get my character onto the ship, i was at first thinking og having a brawl in a Local Inn and Marc would somehow save the aero-naught but the aero-naught wouldn't just let him aboard the ship because of a brawl fight. The training ground is to show how weak the cities are in that region of the continent, i said that no cities have proper armies just bands of militia, people of the city went their for free training its free because the city needs some defence and they rely on volunteers.

Using Assassins showed that someone wanted the aero-naught dead, i didn't say much about the aero-naught character that I introduce, maybe he could be the Magus's son or something I purposely didnt say why. So the assassins can have a motive to go after him.

I also showed how the magic of the world could be. i.e how little could be preformed at one point in time and how strenuous it was to wield.

Maybe the assassins arent just to hire out but work for a certain bad guy who has it in for aero-naughts for some reason. The possibilities are endless for motives.

Also I added some action at the end: 1, to show how useless marc could be in a fight and and to show that the assassins would kill manymen to get at the aero naught. The plot overall could be built like all plots can.

Ok maybe I can concide that it all could of happened in Ankapoor,

so how about we leave marc in ankapoor? But that means it has to be a port town. The reason being I thought we decided that the air ships are working for the Floating Isles and cant really go far from it. I know The Floating Islands could be inland but when we really think of anything exotic its from far away, well to people who live inland away from the sea then only tales are heard of the infamous ships.

At the start where Marc has a casula conversation with a adventurer I don't say what they speak to each other as its not important but I was trying to get across of the sort of life in the city but i didnt want ot go into much detail on that.

I've been saying this alot I'm not too sure about who's in on this. Pirate Jenn has seemed to be saying much on the topic.

Every one who is planning on being involved in this should really say so again so we know where we stand with everyone.

I for one am definately in and rob and sedray seem to still be interested in it. What about sidwynspider?

The aero naught walks around with him as he takes a liking to marc and he is the first person he sees. They become fast friends that friendship acts as another reason that marc gets on board. Don't forget that the aeronaughts could have been at "sky" for weeks so be eager to set off and explore and maybe Jait is kind of an outcast with his fellow aeronaughts.....who knows???
 
K, first off. The flow of the story wasn't that good and SirRob is right, you need some rudimentry teaching in grammar. But that is what practice is for. Keep at it.

Secondly. The story should have stayed in Ankapoor. It's a big port city. Lots of possiblities.

Also, I think we should clean up Marc. Make him a bit more competent and respectful, and not such an idiot. Keep him as a bit of a ruffian though. He grew up in Ankapoor and he "knows the people and places to know." If you want weakness' throw in a gambling habit.

Oh, and Jait's name is Kieron. I'm gonna revamp his character and make him the youngest son of the King of the Davesh Skykingdom. He's still a Magi, Magus Apprentice. His Uncle is the Magus of the Dreadnought Airship Dawn's Glory and younger brother to the King. Kieron is still in training at this time
He was fostered with the ruling family of the Landkingdom Serthoin. He was bethrothed to Cherri, first daughter of Orsa Chane.

The Landkingdom of Serthoin is in a war right now with the Landkingdom of Kafid over rights to very desirable land. Because of the betrothal between their two kingdoms Davesh has to come to Serthoin's aid.

In addition to helping the war effort of Serthoin, Nymai, King of Davesh, has a Civil War on his hands. Shalesh, his younger twin brother is trying to take control of the kingdom. He's taken control of 3 of the 9 Sky Isle's.

The Dawn's Glory could be going to Ankapoor to stock up on supplies and gunpowder. The Assassins could be from Kafid, with orders to kill the Crown Prince of Davesh, or from his Uncle Shalesh, with orders to take him hostage.

What does everyone think of this idea?
 
Se'dray-on, I don't like the idea of 'Skykingdoms' Not really the idea, just the name. Also, I don't think you should put Landkingdom before the names of countries.

Just an idea, but perhaps Kieron could be the eldest son of a mercenary captain. Even though he's young he could be very cunning and skilled, and maybe he fools Marc to come with him. I think it would be a good plot idea, as the true nature of Kieron's character (which wouldn'y be all bad) would be slowly revealed.
 
No, I really want to keep Keiron as royalty. Marc doesn't need to know that Keiron is royalty, but throughout the story small hints would be dropped and Marc would eventually figure it out.

As for the names of the kingdoms, I just put them in there to have something to call them. Change them if you don't like it.

But what about the overall plot? Everybody like it? Any suggestions?
 
Yea ok sounds good to me.



I think though we should try and keep armies and fleets of naval and sky ships to a bare minimum. With smaller groups of men you can have more action, whereas with giant armies its kind of a birds eye view for the readers. If smaller amounts of men are used then you can draw the reader in better. What does everyone think?


I wonder where everyone else is though? Is it just the three of us doing it now??
 
Maybe Kieron could be nobility instead of royalty, and his father or grnadfather was a usurper, so his house is generally not well respected.

Another side of the story could be the quest to find new land above and below.
 
quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I think the chapter ends with a really cool twist of how the character gets on the ship.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


What twist?

Generally, people don't know why someone else is interested in them. Why would a aeroship member be interested in Marc? So that's why it's a twist from the point of view of the character. Somehow Marc ends up on an airship.

What if Kieron has an ulterior motive for wanting Marc on the ship - such as Marc has no idea what or what isn't dangerous. Maybe Kieron needs Marc to use as a "mule" - to send out on a mission that Marc has no idea what the risk means.
This would give Kieron a "dark" manipulative side that would take the edge off the "charming royalty" cliche.

We have is enough writers, don't worry... Someone new might want to join in...and always it's nice to have others who aren't writing to comment from time to time on what they're reading.
 
Yes. Can you state the areas you would like me to change please. Then when I revise it and do my second draft I can spend a little more time on the parts you think are most problem-matic.

Ok...?
 
Look through the posts before, but here's a summary:

Keep Marc in Ankapoor.

Have some clear reason for him leaving his home, or have him keep his job and accomodation but leaves it behind when he gets on the airship.
Try and start with more of a bang, but nothing too spectacular. JUst try and draw the reader in. Also, don't let the story just drift along.

Try and show more things happening, and don't over explain.

If he meets Kieron, (which I don't think he should) Kieron would not be on his own if he was at risk of attack.

Scrap the drill area. If assassins were going to attack, they wouldn't just wade in to a room full of trained fighting men

Make the assassins less stereotypical. e.g black costumes, throwing darts and that ninja style stuff should go. It doesn't feel right. They would be much more likely to wear plain clothes and would try and dispatch their target using a knife or crossbow from close or medium range.

Try and avoid assassins and Kieron if possible. It just doesn't add anythign to the story. Perhaps the Aeronaughts just show interest in him for some strange reason. If there is going to be a fight, it should happen through troublemakers/anti Aeronaught people.

Avoid using magic at the moment and especially using it to let Marc get out of sticky situations. Magic should be kept strictly to nature/wind, to avoid it becoming cliched and an easy way out.

Thats just about everything and it isn't really a summary. Hope it helps.
 
Last edited:
Ok I'll take all those points into consideration but I'm real busy with school right at this very point in time so I won't have a chance to work on the second draft, its thursday now so I wont be able to start it until about monday or Tuesday...I hope that aint a problem?? If I get time I'll make a start on asap but probably won't be until next week. Sorry bout this chaps.....
 
I still want to do this.
Also, why don't we write in smaller chunks, which would keep up the interest, and cut down the wait for others to write their chapter.
 
You may have already discussed this - I don't know, but why not write short stories set in the same world. This way you can all start work on something, can do it your own way and still contribute to something that could end up in one book (an anthology). If you wanted to you could set up a very basic story line that could appear in each story so that they're further linked.

Please ignore me if you've already discussed this.
 
No, no we haven't. It is something I've been thinking about, because frankly I don't feel up for doing a full scale story (even though it would force me to do some writing). Unfortunately interest seems to have died off, but thats not really too much of a problem. What do you think computer.
 
well i've been real busy on gcse work and haven't had time to work on the chapter....I think we should take a break...........
 
okey doke i fink the break time is over how is every1 on the subject hey?? a reason i wanted a break was i got writers block for a while and didnt want to write i do now though......

..........so lets do this!!!!
 
You must log in or register to reply here.

Sponsors


We try to keep the forum as free of ads as possible, please consider supporting SFFWorld on Patreon


Your ad here.
Back
Top