Critique: Beginning of an idea.

Okay, very interesting, and very wierd. I get the idea that they are ghost or something? Can you help me?
 
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SubZero61992 said:
Okay, very interesting, and very wierd. I get the idea that they are ghost or something? Can you help me?
Click to expand...

I am playing with the idea that the trapped officer,(WW1 setting) after seeing so much death and believing he is responsible for the death of his men, believes he is dead. Least that's the beginning of it. He witnesses some soldiers killiing another officer, this is just a rough beginning not sure where it will go yet...
 
Sounds interesting. The style reads appropriately apathetic.

Reminds me a bit of the Alan Parker movie "Birdie", and of Erich Maria Remark's novel "All Quiet on the Western Fronts" ("Im Westen Nichts Neues"), which I both liked for different reasons.

In this scene, I'd want to be Jim. :cool:
 
Works for me :) If ever there was a setting ideal for horror/ghost stories then the trenches of WW1 is it, the amount of people scarred by that war is terrifying to think about. Could turn into something intriguing :)
 
It sounds like a good idea, (not the usual 'a group of teenagers sneak away to have a party at the old haunted house' kind of stuff).

Well written too. I would suggest a sentence or two more description, toward the beginning, to pull me into the scene. Maybe just try it that way and see if it works. But it is fine the way it is.

How does he get out of the mud and wires? (ouch)

Or does he?

B5
 
MrBF1V3 said:
It sounds like a good idea, (not the usual 'a group of teenagers sneak away to have a party at the old haunted house' kind of stuff).

Well written too. I would suggest a sentence or two more description, toward the beginning, to pull me into the scene. Maybe just try it that way and see if it works. But it is fine the way it is.

How does he get out of the mud and wires? (ouch)

Or does he?

B5
Click to expand...

Oh I have worked out how, after that is he witnesses the murder of Lt Tennant! . Though I need to find out a few facts first... A lot of thinking and not much writing of yet... I hope to have a lot worked out before I start, then crack on for a few weeks over the summer.
 
Well, I'm drawn in straight away.
The dialogue is directly understandable, despite the jargon and it seems very...emotionally authentic. It's instantly believable and real.

I don't know if you've read "Regeneration" by Pat Barker yet, but I'd recommend it for the psychological components of trench warfare (and it's a brilliant novel).
 
I really enjoyed reading that. Even though it was a short section, you captured the WWI "feel" for me just perfectly. I, like others, am reminded of "All Quiet on the Western Front" (though I've never read the book) and a juvenile book I read awhile back, "The Lord of the Nutcracker Men" by Iain Lawrence, also set during WWI. It has the same feel as some of the WWI poetry I've read as well. I really, really like the rhythm of the sentences. I can't put my finger on it, but there's something about how it's written that creates the mood for me. Good luck with it! I can't even imagine how much historical research would be necessary for a project like this. Yikes.
 
Just like to make a recommendation, or maybe add an after thought. Divide teh book into parts, and at the start of each part, begin it with a moment of the war that was critical. By this I mean take an important part of the war and make it relevant to the story being told. A newspaper report or the like. Hell it could even be a synopsis of what has happened before.

It will add more realism and give a sense of time.

i.e. Hannibal's crossing the alps. Then go on to say how the flies were piling on the dead for once, making it easier to clean teh poop with a rag.
 
Just updated this, wondered what folks might think now.

Nearly hit the first 1000 words lol....
 
Oooh, it's beginning to take shape. I love the PoV, the disjointed prose, the fragments, intercut with paragraphs of unexpected coherence. Good reading, keeps my mind active. I like the way you introduce the "vision" (if that's what it is).

One thing I didn't notice when I read it for the first time:

Say this out loud:

Lieutenant Tennant.

Now, Tennant's dead, and he'll never get promoted, so he'll be stuck with that. I can imagine the eulogy, the speaker trying to stifle a giggle when saying "Lieutennant Tennant" (in true Monty Pythons style).

Is this a deliberate layer? It does work in a weird way, undercutting the seriousness of the situation in a plausible way. Makes for an interesting methodology: non-explicit, plausible levity. (i.e. please, keep the name! :D )
 
Dawnstorm said:
Oooh, it's beginning to take shape. I love the PoV, the disjointed prose, the fragments, intercut with paragraphs of unexpected coherence. Good reading, keeps my mind active. I like the way you introduce the "vision" (if that's what it is).
Click to expand...

Oh good, you got it!! was wondering if it was too obscure... I want to keep the tempo like that. I am going to try and write this one from just the same POV, not sure if I can do it, but it needs to be very personal. I want him to fade in and out of his mental state of believing he is dead, and to have the "visions" build up to the climax of the story. Are they real or not, do the people/person in them exist or not???

One thing I didn't notice when I read it for the first time:

Say this out loud:

Lieutenant Tennant.

Now, Tennant's dead, and he'll never get promoted, so he'll be stuck with that. I can imagine the eulogy, the speaker trying to stifle a giggle when saying "Lieutennant Tennant" (in true Monty Pythons style).

Is this a deliberate layer? It does work in a weird way, undercutting the seriousness of the situation in a plausible way. Makes for an interesting methodology: non-explicit, plausible levity. (i.e. please, keep the name! :D )
Click to expand...

ROTFL!!!!!:D I intend to....
 
Very nice start. It really does a great job of pulling you in and holding you. It reminds me in a way of Duncan's Past Imperative (The Great Game).
Well written, as usual!
 
Thanks Richard,

I am doing a lot of thinking and research about this one, but very little writing *grin* I am working scenes out in my head, but then not bothering to write them down.:eek: I think it's because I haven't given up on Oracle yet, it's still out with an agent. I somehow don't want to let go of it yet and plunge into the next "sure thing" if that makes sense.

I suppose at some point I need to give up and set my mind to writing again. "sigh"
 
The good news will be that once one is published, you will have a nice body of work ready to go behind it! I'll stand behind my opinion that it is only a matter of time before a publisher picks you up. You have a great writing style, as well as solid mechanics. Just write when you want to, and eventually the story will take over and it will get easier!
 
Updated this;

Trying to keep it in as a friend suggested "third person omniscient viewpoint format with very light omniscience." Hope it is working.

I suppose this is the first chapter. Not saying yet at what point this chapter will end, but I will post it all. After that I don't know. Most likely ask for guinea pigs in a few months.....

And thanks again Richard, high praise indeed from someone I know to be a good writer themselves.

Oh this is the beginning of the fourth week the agent promised to get back to me in, so he could be writing my rejection tomorrow!!!
 
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