Critique: Beginning of an idea.

[Susan Boulton]

Just updated it......

 

[Dawnstorm]

I still like the way your narrator's distance to the PoV-Character oscillates.

One thing: On page 3, you use present tense for immediacy, which works, but is a bit unexpected, since you use participles, infinitives & ellipses elsewhere to create the same effect. ("But the men stand on the step."; "The word is grunted softly by Adams, as he slides back down the side of the crater. The mud rippled downwards, echoing his joy." - notice the slip back into past tense, here.)

***

I found it interesting that you call the "ghost" Hardy. It made me think of Thomas Hardy, especially his later poetry. One seems especially appropriate: "Spectres that Grieve":

'It is not death that harrows us,' they lipped,
'The soundless cell is in itself relief,
For life is an unfenced flower, benumbed and nipped
At unawares, and at its best but brief.'

The entire poem: here.

A deliberate reference to Mr Hardy?

 

[Susan Boulton]

Yes, the tenses... yuck... a mess. I plead first draft...lol.

Thanks for the kind words.....

As for Mr Hardy, well...

I hope to work on this quite a bit this week, as I have the house to myself and am off work. So fingers crossed that my muse can get passed the inner, long, thin rodent and actually hit me on the back of the head..

 

[Susan Boulton]

Actually got the first chapter written. Feel very pleased with it.

Was wondering what others thought? Have I kept the rhythm of the piece? Does it still make the reader want to know more.

I have re-posted it here. Won't be putting any more up on the community. But is a few weeks/months if anyone wants to find out how I am going with it PM me and I will send you what I have done.


http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1782p0.html

 

[KatG]

It's terrific. You might want to go ahead and put at least one more chapter up on the community when you get it written. In any case, you will have a group of eager guinea pigs. (And there are some other folks asking for test readers on the forum. Don't know that I can manage as such right now, but if people can volunteer to read at least parts of works, any feedback is I'm sure a great help.)

On the agent with Oracle, your first one, since he'll be giving feedback whether it's a rejection or not, he may be a little slow on it.

 

[Richardb]

How about a fanboy response for a change
You Da Bomb!
Love it... it is exactly the type of thing I'd read a page then buy.
Can't wait to see more, especially bound and signed

Fanboy #1 signing off for today!

(yeah, I really like it that much)

 

[MrBF1V3]

Hi, just read the longer version, good stuff.

There are a few misspellings, not uncommon, look for those on the next draft.

The transition between the man believing himself dead and becoming, in some ways, Hardy again, was maybe too gradual--this is just my opinion, you do what you want--but as I understand it, once someone is in a state of mind like that, he will interpret whatever happens in light of the reality he is convinced of. It would take some kind of shock to jolt him out of it.

Otherwise, the pacing was good, if anything you could stretch it out a bit more, add a few more details. Maybe someone notes the dead guy has been mutilated, some things like that.

It is looking good, you are well on your way.

B5

 

[Susan Boulton]

KatG; Thanks for the kind words. Maybe I will put the second chapter up, not sure yet.

It will be a few months I think before I need the guinea pigs lol...

At the moment I am torn between editing the first or just ploughing on. Ideally I would prefer to get the whole WW1 section done, which will be about four chapters. Then move the story on to 1919/1920 Though I am tempted to drop in, as the second chapter, the other main character. Though this would cause the story to change shape, as I would have two stories about two different people in different places who are on a bit of a spiritual collision course. It was my first intention to not have any mention of this character's reality until the epilogue Still not sure of it, though it would be useful to write it out.

Yes, agree about the agent, he is a nice man. Even if he rejects me I will still buy him a pint at the next Eastercon... Though it's the waiting that bugs me far more than a rejection. A rejection is an answer. You move on from it. Waiting sucks!

Richard; Gulp! thanks!

Mr B; Hmmm.... thanks for the comments. Got me thinking, (which after very little sleep last night is a surprising thing. I am usually like a Zombie, when I have these types of nights.) I was trying to keep him still believing he is dead and just observing the others, maybe thinking they are dead too, or that death is really living in this hell or the trenches for ever. Obviously I haven't made it clear enough so it needs a lot more work.

I do plead it's first draft. A long way to go, if like Oracle, it is going to take me 18 months or more, hope not. Would like to be a bit more disciplined. with this one.

 

[KatG]

I'd suggest sticking with Hardy and the WWI story for a few more chapters before switching characters. You are having the readers invest emotionally in Hardy and his survival, so having the novel suddenly switch might produce less of a cliffhang and more frustration. (On the other hand, it could be brilliant, and may be worth trying out in any case.)

I'd disagree politely with Mr.B on Hardy's ressurection being too gradual. For me, Hardy's war between mind and body as the living find him, was the most powerful part of the chapter, and I think the pacing was logical. Hardy is dehydrated, poisoned, lost blood, and suffering from a dozen other physical ailments, as well as essentially being in shock, with all its effects on the body and mental capacity. A sudden jolt brings back awareness but it couldn't turn him back to normalcy right away. By making it a slower mental struggle, Holbrook gets us to continue to somewhat distrust Hardy's perceptions, and show how close he came to death. There is a slight crucifiction undertheme to his hanging there and being cut free that I think Holbrook would probably want to keep.

I also loved that the sniper couldn't immediately rescue Hardy, but leaves him hanging there to take out the German shooter, then has a cigarette in the safety of the crater hole, then gets the crew, who have to take their time and cut the wire carefully, nearly killing Hardy for good in the process. It all makes it vaguely surreal and very realistic at the same time.

 

[Dazzlinkat]

I vote complete Hardy and WWI before moving on. Also, add me to the fan-wagon !!

 

[Susan Boulton]

I'd suggest sticking with Hardy and the WWI story for a few more chapters before switching characters. You are having the readers invest emotionally in Hardy and his survival, so having the novel suddenly switch might produce less of a cliffhang and more frustration. (On the other hand, it could be brilliant, and may be worth trying out in any case.)

I am still torn about this, so I think I will write both. It won't be a waste, as I most likely will use bits or all of it somewhere.

Holbrook gets us to continue to somewhat distrust Hardy's perceptions, and show how close he came to death. There is a slight crucifiction undertheme to his hanging there and being cut free that I think Holbrook would probably want to keep.

Yes, I want the reader to distrust Hardy's pereceptions, it will make the hallucinations easier for the reader to accept, as they partly believe it's all in Hardy's mind. And as these will get more powerful and "realistic" as time goes on, it will help to have the reader doubting Hardy's sanity.

As for the crucifiction undertheme, it is something I hadn't though on. Interesting and it could fit.

I also loved that the sniper couldn't immediately rescue Hardy, but leaves him hanging there to take out the German shooter, then has a cigarette in the safety of the crater hole, then gets the crew, who have to take their time and cut the wire carefully, nearly killing Hardy for good in the process. It all makes it vaguely surreal and very realistic at the same time.

Actually that is based partly on what I have read and partly my Grandfather's experiences. The men in the trenches often couldn't reach their wounded friends stuck in no-man's-land. They would have to wait for a chance, either darkness, or a truce, or take a risk in a lull. Often they knew their friends were dying a few feet away and there was nothing they could do. My Grandfather was wounded bringing in a friend.

 

[Susan Boulton]

I vote complete Hardy and WWI before moving on. Also, add me to the fan-wagon !!

Thanks for the kind words!!

 

[Dawnstorm]

Oh my, that's... gruesome. My shoulder hurts! You've brought to life a place&time I really, really, really don't want to be at. You're very good at not relenting. A vital writer's skill.

WWI first or interspersed: No comment. Do what works best. (That's a cliché not a comment. )

 

[KatG]

Yes, I want the reader to distrust Hardy's pereceptions, it will make the hallucinations easier for the reader to accept, as they partly believe it's all in Hardy's mind. And as these will get more powerful and "realistic" as time goes on, it will help to have the reader doubting Hardy's sanity.

Have you seen the film "Jacob's Ladder"? It's been a long time since I saw it, and it's not exactly a "fun" movie, but re the hallucination thing, it might be helpful. I think it was probably based on a novel as well.

Actually that is based partly on what I have read and partly my Grandfather's experiences. The men in the trenches often couldn't reach their wounded friends stuck in no-man's-land. They would have to wait for a chance, either darkness, or a truce, or take a risk in a lull. Often they knew their friends were dying a few feet away and there was nothing they could do. My Grandfather was wounded bringing in a friend.

It does read completely real, which is a lot of what gives the narrative its power. Another possible fictional resource is Neal Stephenson's "Cryptomonicon" which has some amazing WWII scenes in it. Don't know how accurate he was historically, but you've got the same sort of vibe going, but with the peculiarities of WWI, which changed war forever.

 

[Susan Boulton]

Not seen Jacob's Ladder.

Thanks Dawnstorm and KatG for the comments. I wanted to make this one sound as "real" as I could. I am dealing with, least in large parts of the story, what really/could of happened.

Nothing done on it this week, due to various factors. Hoping to do a bit this weekend if I get chance. None next week as I am starting to work a few extra hours until after bank holiday....

 

[Susan Boulton]

Oh bother! I have spent a good six hours on this and only got 1000 words done! Every ten words or so I have to stop and look through my research... Whose idea was it to set this in the trenches!

I still have two or three more chapters set at this time yet to go before I move the story on.

 

[Dawnstorm]

Welcome to my writing speed. (*Thinks about all those lizard & bat skeletons and insect wing diagrams looked at while writing the ?dragon? in a musuem scene*)

Some things take their time. It's what I call writing at the speed of sloth.

Most of the time, it's worth it, though.

 

[KatG]

It's what I call writing at the speed of sloth.

Most of the time, it's worth it, though.

LOL, put me in the sloth camp.

 

[Susan Boulton]

Well, the sloth is going backwards. I feel most of what I have written is crap, and given way too much away about the hallucination.

Best have another hour at it....

 

[Dawnstorm]

Well, the sloth is going backwards. I feel most of what I have written is crap, and given way too much away about the hallucination.

Best have another hour at it....

I think you may have discovered that weasels are quicker than sloths.

I've just finished a single scene over three days, which I ended up hating. It's in the water, I tell you.

Wait, we're not drinking the same water! Oh well...