Critique: your opinon on this story.

[Final07]

Hi. I'm new to this site, and I would like to ask for your opinon on a story I got swirling in my head. It takes place in the sixth age of my world, so it's safe to bet that technology is high. The center of the story is that seven humans were prophized that they would become gods(by becoming uncommonly srong in magic), and battle the Dark God(whos history I reveal in another tale.....*lowers voice* he's human!) whos growing power is begining to cross over the Mortal World(common I know, but I do have a twist).

My twist is that one of the seven go over to the shadow and heavily tip the favor on that of the Dark God(I'll call him X). After a few events X's heart goes deeper into the shadow(where when he first joined the shadow his intentions wer pure), as deep as the Dark God himself and he goes from servant to rival in a disasterous event that makes X equal to the Dark God.

While the transformation of X is going on the remaining of the seven battle aganist the minons of the Dark God. Cities are taken, even one of the seven die, but in the end they conquer, though with heavy loss.

The end comes with X and the Dark God meeting in the fourth dimension, known as the mortal world(where humans live). I can not tell you who will win the fight but lets say that whoever wins that doesn't mean anything good for the good guys.

Of course there are things I'm leaving out, like the adventures the seven went through before becoming gods. And the races of the human species, (which I will have to say is quite unique, since I've not read anything that resembles all of them in one story). And most important of all my magic system(which is only given to a few special races).

I would appreciate any comments. Thank You!

 

[TheEarCollector]

Well I have to say you did a fairly good job of summarizing without getting bogged down in the details like many people do... That being said though, it feels like you skipped over some stuff.

When you say that one of the seven goes over to the shadow, you mean something like the dark side?

Do the good guys not notice that one of the seven is acting kind of weird all of a sudden, and never around when bad things are happening?

Did X turn evil even though his intentions were pure at the beginning of the story?

Part of asking us about the storyline involves you having to tell us what is happening, this isn't like the back of the book where you are trying to draw us in and make us read more, you are telling us everything there is...

Are there any other Gods? It sounds like there is only one, who you call a Dark God, but without anything to put him in perspective doesn't that just make him... plain God? You need a good guy in order to have a bad guy.

 

[Final07]

Yes, the shadow is the dark side.

X went over to the dark side before the seven actually became a group(each of the seven come in at different points of the story, X being the first). The only reason the seven knew he was one of them was that one of the seven with the gift of foresight had a vision of what would have happened if X had joined them(X would have meet the same fate, but a little different)

His intentions to join the shadow were a bit "forced". X seemed to think his intentions were pure, but they really just helped him personally. X is a very vengeful character in my book, but still with some good personality traits.

 

[Final07]

There are many gods in my world, but gods in my story are a little different. Being a god in my world means to have the power to control all the compenents of magic(elements, mind, and fate/fortune.......that's not all of them) Which means you have to be a certain race, since there are only three races in my story can use magic.
Becoming a god is nothing but the evolution of the races.

There were many gods in my world; the seven(of the 4th dimension), the Dark God(of the 7th dimension), the True Gods(of the 1st dimension), the Demon Lords(of the 6th dimension), and many more!

The gods in the other dimensions besides the fourth aren't human, but incredible spirits similar to the Valar.

There are also rules to godhood(too many to name, so I will name just one)
1. When a god is killed the power of that god is transported to the object of its destruction.(can be a place, living thing, spirit)

 

[TheEarCollector]

...
I will say this, I definately need to see some more background info on this story before I can really say anything...
Your multidimensional universe is confusing to me... I got that people are living in the 4th, and apparently the Dark Lord is just a normal person (with the power to rule the world muwahahahahhahahah
ahahahahha
ahahahahhahahhahha) BUT he lives in an entirely different dimension. He actually lives three dimensions away.

Explain your background more thoroughly please.

 

[Final07]

The Dark God was banished to the seventh dimension by creatures(from the third dimension) in the second age after starting the War of the Gods(that led to the end of the second age). The third dimensional creatures ruled the fourth dimension for the True Gods. By time the True Gods actually found the Dark God, he lived peacefully with a pregant wife and two children. The threat had to be erased.

The True Gods had to use the third dimensional creatures because the Dark God could easily overpower an assasin or a magician.

So everybody in the family was killed..... Except the Dark God.
He used unheard of power to kill the third dimensional creatures(no one at that time had the power to kill with magic, but the Dark God long discovered it). Driven by grief and vengeance he tracked down every third dimensional creatures(who had labeled themselves "Gods"), of couse the people defended their gods.....so began the War of the Gods.

 

[TheEarCollector]

What makes your dimensions different... I don't understand that at all.
When you say a 3D creature as opposed to a 4D man or a 7D Dark God, what does the difference in dimensions mean.
If there isn't a difference, then why even mention them? As far as I can tell the whole thing about dimensions just means they are in a separate place... right?
It would be like me importing lions from Africa to attack and kill the family of my archenemy, but I then end up banishing him to Indonesia... Unless I am missing something.

 

[Expendable]

Ok. Let me see if I got this right.

1. A bunch of beings calling themselves the 'True Gods' occupy a place we're going to call the 4th Dimension.

2. They decide that another being calling itself the 'Dark God' was a problem and needed to be destroyed - even though he hadn't actually done anything yet.

3. They sent orders to the 'gods' from a place we're going to call the 3rd dimension to attack the 'Dark God' as the 'true gods' agents.

3. The True Gods' agents weren't able to destroy the Dark God but they did wipe out his family.

4. In his grief, the Dark God turned on the agents and began destroying them.

5. Because the agents were the gods of the 3rd dimension, ordinary humans living in the same third dimension tried to defend the 'agents' against the Dark God.

6. Somehow the Dark God was exiled to another place called the '7th Dimension'.

7. A group of humans from the 4th dimension (not the 3rd) have been selected to replace the dead gods.

8. One of these humans who is truely evil is going after the maligned Dark God seeking his powers.

9. it's necessary for these humans to defeat the Dark God because even though he was exiled to the 7th dimension he is somehow influencing things in either the third or fourth dimensions.

Do I have this right?

 

[Final07]

There are seven dimensions in my world, they're not different places, just different planes of existance(similar to a spirit world, dream world,ect). The only reason humans only live in 4d is because magic is pretty new to them, and no one had the strength to cross over dimensions(magic is the only way to cross the borders of the dimensions).

The reason The Dark God can not get back to the fourth dimension is the spell the 3d creatures cast that banished him there and held him there. Ex. A physically weak man throwing a net over a body builder and the body builder gets caught in it. But eventually the body builder will find a way out the net with time.

Same with the Dark God. He got caught in the net of the 3d creatures, and since he's still human, he made a misjudgement and mistake. He struggled, which was exactly what the 3d creatures wanted him to do. The Dark God was ensared even more, and eventually his struggles to get back to 4d, led to him hitting rock bottom(7d).

 

[Final07]

The True Gods live in 1d. And the 3d creatures ruled 4d for the true gods(who were bound to 1d millions of years before humans even existed).

The True Gods were not evil, they were just very ambitous, and wanted every realm ruled by them.

Another rule of godhood(I need to start writing these down), is that a god can sense the powers of another god. They cannot feel the gods strength or weakness, but they can feel a sort of intimading, terrifying power radiating from that being or person.

The Dark God has been influencing 4d since the third age(he created a bunch of trouble), but in the sixth age the net of the long gone 3d creatures are starting to loose. The spell that holds the Dark God is weakening. And if that happens he will be able to return to the 4d or even 1d to get more revenge(but of course after 4 ages of bondage The Dark Gods mind is like a spinning top).

Everything else is right, except #1, and #9.

 

[TheEarCollector]

Alright, now take it from the top and try to give us a revised summary of your story incorporating all these new rules and explaining the dimensions (what are 1 and 2? nonexistant? On the moon we have 7... million)

 

[Final07]

OK, I will try my best.

My story is about seven strangers who are destined to save the world.


The Seven

I'll call him A-was a normal person, until a horde of Monkrol savages raided his village(in the nation of Lini) and made all the surivers slaves. He escapes given his first chance, but finds himself in a forest where nothing that lives there seems of this world(and their not, the beasts that live in the particular forest are from the 5d!)

She'll be Y-a healer, who lives in the city Trinton, of the nation San Quen. She begins to have dreams of a strange man dying(X). She tries everything, but her dreams wont go away. After a terribly real dream she flees her city to go in search of a magical school(to see if magic can help her) far in the outer reaches of her country.

She can be S- is in the Linian army that is fighting the intruding army of San Quen. She's captain of her own group(5 soldiers) and they set out to join the bulk of the army that is at the far away Fort Indil. But on their way there, the plane they are flying is shot down and they are stranded in the middle of a forest. Where one of their number vanishes *dramatic music comes in* and they have to fight to survive.

That's all I got for that continent, I will have to come back later after looking at my notes. These are what I just remember, so some of it might be a little different, but that's the main picture of it. Or at least half of it. These are storylines that happen before they all join up.

This all occurs in 4d, the other dimensions dont come in until X leaves the dark side. Please tell me if there are any holes in the story(which I am sure there are) or if this doesn't make sense. I will be back to post the other three.

 

[TheEarCollector]

This suddenly feels like a different story, but at least it is starting to take shape in my mind.

 

[Final07]

It's not a different story, I was just describing what the characters do before they join. The story becomes a lot darker when that happens.

 

[Expendable]

Somebody found this writer's web site that had this great way of organizing your thoughts, called the Snowflake method. You might want to take a quick look.

I picture dimensions to be like different floors in a building. Same space but set up differently.

I know the one you're calling the 'dark god' is suppose to be one of the villians in this but from what you've told us so far, he seems to be the real victim. The 'true gods' set up the gods of 3d to attack the 'dark god' without provocation, then went around afterwards pointing their fingers at him and saying how 'evil' he was.

Two birds with one stone. Very nice. The only way it would have been nicer is if the 'dark god' and the gods of 3d had managed to mutually wipe each other out. But this gives them a fall guy - only they can't afford for him to escape. If it's true in your universe that all the powers a god had is transfered by death to the one who slays them, then the dark god must be pretty powerful now.

Of course, the problem I see is that if any one person kills the dark god, they get all his powers too - which is the last thing your 'true gods' want. Nor can they kill him - if one of them fails, the dark god becomes stronger and may break free. And if one of them succeed, they becomes far more powerful than the rest.

Their only chance to defuse the dark god is to have him killed by a group of ordinary humans so his power is shared among them. He doesn't gain anything if he kills them, and they may still be less in power than the 'true gods'.

 

[Expendable]

Thinking about it, if whatever is binding the 'dark god' is being powered by your 'true gods' and it's weakening, they need help in the form of new gods to add their power to the net.

I wonder if you can become a god by slaying demons and the like? Probably creatures limited to the darker dimensions.

 

[Final07]

The rest of the sevens adventure before joining are.....

B-He's just a normal young man, but after finding a strange device his whole life takes a turn for the worst. He finds himself in a world unfamilar, and must struggle to stay alive in a hostile world(B actually traveled through time, but he doesn't know it yet)

9-She awakes from a coma, into a unfamilar surrounding, she can't remember anything of her past, she knows no one, and no one knows her. She ecsapes the people who took care of her, who wanted to use her for experiments, and is directed to the great city San Terro.

00-He's an expert in the art of magic. 00 is participating in the greatest magician challenge(something like the Olympics) that is in San Terro. He fights treachry and plotting while fighting some the worlds greatest magicians.

And of course X
X in his dark majesty-He's a theif that was on a good streak of thefts. But after his biggest he finds that he stole from the wrong people. Pretty soon he finds himself running for his life, but it's not what he's running from it's what he's running to......

 

[Final07]

You can become a god by slaying demons(who live in 6d, only the really strong ones can make it to 4d). If they are strong enough, and if there are enough. It's happened before in my world, only twice though, but the god wont be very powerful(as powerless as a god can be )

You could become a very powerful god by killing one of the Demon Lords(who are the strongest of the demons and they serve the Dark God)

 

[Final07]

Didn't see your first post since it was one p1

Now you're seeing the true problem X is facing, and the heart of the schemes the True Gods are playing. The seven as a group have to defeat The Dark God(true he is a victim, but after a few ages in 7d any human would be raving mad).

It all becomes even more complex when I reveal another rule of godhood(god I could write a book on that subject)

The more power a god possesses(way too many s's) the more the pressure of insanity is on the mind of the person. That's why almost all the strongest gods are spirits. That's why The Dark God must be killed by a group, after killing him the person who done the deed will most likely go instantly mad.

 

[Final07]

And if you think on the first rule I gave(look closely) you might be able to figure out how the end will be.