January 2010 Flash Fic Voting Thread A

[Tristis]

This is the voting thread (A) for the January Flash Fiction Contest. Here are our submitters and their works. Enjoy. Remember to vote.

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let Down Your Spade
By Victoria A. Rogers (NickeeCoco)

Erebus by Steve Jones (MrBF1V3)

Morningstar v. Jehovah by Richard Dickson (DailyRich)

Eye for an Eye by Venustar

Choosing Direction at the Dead End by PeterWilliam

Trey's Choice by Max S (RedRightHand)

Joe 2.0 by Rich Matrunick (Sterling13)

The poll is open to everyone, so even if you have not submitted, please give the submissions a read and vote for your favourites.

Reviews are very welcome and encouraged. You can submit comments to the individual stories in the story forum, but I hope you also paste them in the voting thread so they don't get missed.

You have 3 votes to divvy up between the THREE threads.
You don't have to use all your votes if you only feel one or two stories deserve a vote.
You can only give one vote per submission.
Voting ends at something like 3 AM my time, January 30. But for clarity, you should take note of the poll closing date /time for your area.

Good luck to all and may the winner as of January 31 enjoy the splendor of your prize…which is the holding of the next contest.

 

[Daddy Darth]

Poll A
I posted thoughts over in the Stories section but thought I would have a reread and give some additional or at least reiterated thoughts. You’ll never get much out of me for critique in regards to commas, punctuation and their ilk - others do that much better. What I am looking for in terms of casting a vote is a complete tale that gives me an emotional response hopefully and does not snap me out of it with questions or confusion.

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let Down Your Spade by Victoria A Rogers
Easily one of my favourites this month and most likely my top pick. I am in a fairy tale mood at home and have been reading them to the kids lately. This fits right in there wonderfully with a delightful twist at the end that I did not see coming. Well written with interesting characters and story. I will say this one made me happy with the witch getting the dirty end of the stick in the exchange.

Erebus by Steve Jones
I was struck by your ending. That was the best part of the story for I did not see it coming but probably should have. I found the Blacksmith’s reactions lacked emotion until the end when he was moved to pity him and put his hand on his shoulder. I believe you could have used more of your word count to amp up the interaction b/w the two men and have Remo express some more emotion/regret. I quite enjoyed Erebus. I think you had the makings of a really great story here but it did not quite get there fore me.

Morningstar v. Jehovah by Richard Dickson
I liked this story a lot it was very entertaining and struck me as something I might read from a professional. Great dialogue with a nice twist - outwitting the devil. Nicely done.

Eye for an Eye by Venustar
Engaging story if perhaps a little over the top. It left me wanting to know more about the world you created i.e. the Zero Ops. Revenge can often make for good story telling. Your conclusion was brutal and I liked that.

Choosing Direction at the End by Peter William
I enjoyed your story - you seem to have a flow or that certain something which resonates with me and draws me into your story. Some clever ideas e.g. 7-11. I liked the “cry freedom” ending. I wanted more. My only real nitpick with your story is word choice early on - I found myself tripping over a few words especially “rhetorically remonstrated.” Small point really b/c then I quickly settled into your narrative and enjoyed the ride.

Trey’s Choice by Max S
Overall I liked your story and where you were trying to go with things and I did like the world you were building - some interesting elements e.g. the Seraphs. I did not like the ending though b/c it seemed brutal and unfair. That being said I am reading a book involving Christianity in the 1300s where monks burned at the stake for heretical ideas such as the concept of poverty. So on the other hand I can appreciate your ending. I guess what I am trying to say is it does not detract from your story per se I just don’t like it.

Joe 2.0 by Rich Matrunick
On my second read through it is still funny and very creative. You sir have one wicked imagination. Thanks for an entertaining tale.

 

[Sterling13]

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let Down Your Spade by Victoria A. Rogers
Not much to say about this one: I’m not a fan of fairy tales in general – yet enjoyed this immensely. You’ve got some very real characters packed into such a small space. Well done, and definitely on the list of contenders.

Erebus by Steve Jones
I like this tale, save for one detail that is nagging me – Why is this traveler so quick to open up to the blacksmith? Surely he knows what is about to occur? So… is it payment owed that Remo seeks? It could be this reason that the blacksmith feels particularly wooden to me.

Choosing Direction at the Dead End by Peter William
Gah – I don’t like the first sentence, it reads very awkwardly to me (normally, once I get into the rhythm of the story, these sentences can pass by without notice… but, first sentences like this bug me for some reason).
Something about the style isn’t working for me… one too many of these:
‘rhetorically remonstrated with myself’
‘I said with a tone bordering on insistence and rife with impatience’
‘frenetically paced walking, with intermittent bursts of running’
All that said, between the dialogue and the internal dialogue, it sounds as though you have a pretty full world in your mind. I would have actually liked to have seen the conversation with the official take up more of the text (and perhaps just the flashback to her mother) with the conversation with Gen either minimized or removed entirely.

Eye for an Eye by venustar
‘Warm, he thought.’ – This doesn’t seem like an important enough internal thought to deserve a sentence. Perhaps some part of the next few sentences could be rolled into this thought?
Strange sentence – ‘The gruff voice leading off to the shadowed bushes along the sidewalk startled him.’
A decent tale of revenge (I like the ‘eye for an eye’ reference), but I’m wondering why Ken had to lose his eye? What exactly did Joe and the others bestow upon him?

Morningstar v. Jehovah by Richard Dickson
Another contender by Richard Dickson…. Yawn…

I had not a clue where the initial set-up was going… and then the cross examination happens… another well done surprise.
My one critique is that I didn’t really like Lucifer’s personality (well, I guess I technically SHOULDN’T like the devils personality…)… more “annoying” than “evil”. Likely what you were going for, but I would have liked an evil sprinkle.

Yin/Yang by Dan Bieger
“Can you believe all this started with a child?” Thomas Shuan asked his wife.
I don’t get it. The rest of the story flows quite nicely with the conversation between husband and wife, between choosing your child and (essentially) having your child chosen for you. But why this opening line? Are you meaning that they got together with intentions to have a child together… but never did because of their differences? If so… well, the decision to conceive naturally in the span of such a short conversation seems odd given that they couldn’t reach a decision in the prior eight years.
Okay – erasing that bit from my mind – I really do enjoy this story. Children are chosen for their parents as much as their parents choose them…

Trey's Choice by Max S
This sentence feels just kinda’ inserted between its neighbors - ‘The floor of the abandoned watchtower was cold and hard.’
For internal thoughts, I rather prefer italics to double quotes.
This had me laughing (and while I love the sentence, I’m not sure it fits with the rest of the work): ‘Aric looked even more troubled, like a frog trying to do algebra.’
Overall, I enjoyed the read, but needed to know a bit more about the darkness. What is the song, and why does Ansley have no choice? I suppose the lack of choice is really more of a religious ‘lack of choice’… but there is SOMETHING out there… Trey heard it. Siren song?

 

[Sterling13]

Tristis... I believe you've lost Mr. Bieger's entry in the shuffle... not sure what the easiest fix is (I don't believe the mods can add options to the poll). Perhaps make a new voting thread A? I can copy my review over to there.

 

[jordanlanni]

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let Down Your Spade by By Victoria A. Rogers
Really well-written story with an awesome twist and an immersive world. Seriously, I thought he had traded his bratty kid for food, though a boy trapped in a tower with long hair would have been interesting. This was one of the best I've read for this contest. Just really fun.

Erebus by Steve Jones
An brief, interesting tale asking a moral question. He trades his life for others but he pays for it emotionally, though why doesn't he just commit suicide and do humanity a favour? The storytelling's a little stiff, and I felt him just opening up to the blacksmith felt a little... contrived. I expect him to horrified by his actions, if he had nightmares of blood and horror. The blacksmith, too, was a little flat. Overall, though, a pretty good story that probably could have simply benefitted from more words.

Morningstar v. Jehovah by Richard Dickson
A well-written, well thought-out story with an excellent twist at the end. Some of the Devil's dialogue is too "go-get-'im" cheese but overall it was an entertaining read and it didn't feel like 1200 words.

Eye for an Eye by Venustar
The writing is a little long and drawn out, too much "back story" in the beginning which I think detracted from the pace - I just wanted to skip it. Also, I would appreciated an alternative to joining the Zero Ops - WHY couldn't he get his revenge otherwise? Of course I understand that they have the power and ability, but I would have loved to hear an in-story explanation. In general, though, it was slow but the question it posed was interesting.

Choosing Direction at the Dead End by PeterWilliam
A very good story with a great twist at the end. I like that PW used Gen was a nonchalant foil for her personality and fears, and their drastically different viewpoints on honesty to oneself was interesting, too. The twist surprised me, I seriously thought she would choose the oath but her hatred and bitterness wouldn't allow her to live with herself had she done that. Very entertaining

Trey's Choice by Max S
This is an interesting idea with a fascinating world that suffers most from poor writing. I would have liked to know why this colony of people are locked up in a city when they're armed and they could just take on whatever's out there - or perhaps the danger is an illusion and the danger is your own family, who knows. Also, I felt that the voice that he risked his life to hear was left behind in the wake of the story - a little disappointing. I didn't understand why either sides came to their beliefs, no explanations were given. Blind faith? Well, the kid was blind too without a thought as to why he'd die for his decision.

Joe 2.0 by Rich Matrunick
I really enjoyed this story, it reminded me of the old short stories from the 1950s and 1960s in just about every way (perhaps it was the "Fallout Plains" ). It moves along nicely and it quite funny, too. I especially dig the ending and her last line. Good job, one of my favourite entries.

 

[PeterWilliam]

I notice everyone leaves a bit of a crit in the thread. I try to add it to the story thread as I read through. Its too much for me to go back and try to recapture where I was when reading them. That having been said, I knew I loved the entries by DailyRich and NickeeCoco. It's the third vote I'm struggling with. Maybe we could get more votes? Say, 25% of the total number of entries? Can't hurt to ask I suppose.

 

[Sterling13]

I notice everyone leaves a bit of a crit in the thread. I try to add it to the story thread as I read through. Its too much for me to go back and try to recapture where I was when reading them. That having been said, I knew I loved the entries by DailyRich and NickeeCoco. It's the third vote I'm struggling with. Maybe we could get more votes? Say, 25% of the total number of entries? Can't hurt to ask I suppose.

Used to be one vote, actually... be happy with 3!

Remember, its "up to 3 votes". I know in the past I've used less than 3 because I felt those 1 or 2 stories were that much better than the rest (that's no slight against the other entries, just that I felt there were only 1-2 clear frontrunners). So, you could go with just those two.


Alternatively, just cast your third vote for Joe 2.0...

 

[PeterWilliam]

Used to be one vote, actually... be happy with 3!

Remember, its "up to 3 votes". I know in the past I've used less than 3 because I felt those 1 or 2 stories were that much better than the rest (that's no slight against the other entries, just that I felt there were only 1-2 clear frontrunners). So, you could go with just those two.

You know, it didn't even occur to me. I'm glad you pointed it out so that now I can read the stories with the approach of an undervote being perfectly ok.

Alternatively, just cast your third vote for Joe 2.0...

Damn, I wanna go aquatic.

 

[Tristis]

Tristis... I believe you've lost Mr. Bieger's entry in the shuffle... not sure what the easiest fix is (I don't believe the mods can add options to the poll). Perhaps make a new voting thread A? I can copy my review over to there.

OMG!!

I'll see what I can do.

 

[NickeeCoco]

Erebus by Steve Jones

I enjoyed the premise/concept of this story a lot. I think there’s a lot that can be done with it. Unfortunately, there’s a big “but” coming. (Please remember that this is only my own personal opinion and others may entirely disagree) I did have a major POV problem. You started the story from the POV of the blacksmith. However, the blacksmith didn’t actually do anything or provide any information. His only role was to provide Remo, the actual main character, a means of relating his story. The blacksmith gave no reaction whatsoever to Remo’s narration, save for his putting his hand on Remo’s shoulder at the end. The blacksmith really had no characterization. He felt a little cardboard and as a result, I didn’t really care if he was eaten or not. (eek. Sorry.)

I also found the blacksmith’s calm demeanour a little off. If I were a blacksmith and some man wandered in, seeming to look through me and announce that he was a murderer, I don’t think I would just stand there and say things like “Quite stupid” and “Surely not”.

Sorry. I’ll admit, that after the awesomness you provided us last month with Founder’s Day (I really wanted you to win with that entry, which is why I actually only voted for two pieces), I was disappointed this month.


Morningstar v. Jehovah by Richard Dickson

I really enjoyed this piece. It made me laugh. I found it particularly funny that Peter is just as slippery of a lawyer as Stan. The one thing that I did not enjoy was Lucifer’s dialogue during the trial. He sounded a little too 1992 for me. I’m mostly referring to the “You go, Stan!” and the “How about them apples” bit. Otherwise, highly entertaining.

Eye for an Eye by Venustar

I wanted to know more about the Zero Ops and Old Joe. I wanted to know how Old Joe got out of prison. This is a good thing, because it means you interested me. On the other hand, I was disappointed when this information was withheld.

And while I know that jealousy and love often make people do things that they normally wouldn’t, I find it a little unbelievable that someone like Kenneth, who did time for a white collar crime, would suddenly go into a gore fest-style killing spree.

All in all, though, I enjoyed it. I just think this story would be benefited by the use of the 128 words that are left to you. This way, you could give more reasoning for Kenneth’s sudden change of crime.

Choosing Direction at the End by Peter William

First off, I really liked this entry. I liked the world you created here. I liked the main character. And I liked her decision.

That said, I had a little issue with the pacing of the end. You have 156 more words to work with here and I think a description of the noise of the fight (the clambering, the shouts, the screams, the crashes etc) and perhaps the pain of the protagonist (who was hit, and perhaps was stepped on at one point when on the ground, or had flying debris hit her. . . What was the state of her condition when the fight ended etc) would really make this story pop and bring it into the “awesome” category. I think you have something here and would love to read a fuller version. I also enjoy your prose. There are some awkward moments, but those can be easily fixed with a little more editing. We’re all guilty of awkward sentences from time to time.

Now, I wasn’t particularly enamoured with the opening. I was a little confused as to who Genard and “we” were. Perhaps introducing Genard in a different manner would be beneficial? Also, I found the abbreviations of terms and then the elaboration of said terms in brackets to be a little repetitive. Perhaps give the long version and then the next time it comes up, give the short version?

In short, I really think you have something here, you just need a little more editing.

Trey’s Choice by Max S

As frequent submitters of the Flash Fiction Contest know by now, I’m a stickler when it comes to formatting. So, it won’t be a surprise to anyone when they read what I’m about to say:

Formatting!

A story benefits from spaces between all paragraphs. This includes spaces between lines of dialogue. It makes it much easier to read.

Alright. I’ve said it. Now on to the feedback.

Now, my major critique is going to be a personal thing. I had a little problem with the words FaithLamp and LightChapel. Personally, if you want to make a single word out of these, I suggest ditching the second capital letter. Example: Faithlamp and Lightchapel. You did this with Lightfather and Nightwarden. Either that or just separate the words. Example: Faith Lamp and Light Chapel. Also, I was confused with the term “angeldown”. Do you mean it’s a duvet filled with angel feathers? Or was it a typo and he was actually pulling an angel down over top of him? May I suggest some disambiguation on that?

There were a lot of awkward and run-on sentences and some grammatical errors, but these can be easily fixed with some editing, so I wasn’t wholly against them. I just think the story would improve with editing. Perhaps go over it with your editing hat on, or have someone go over it in minute detail with you?

I wanted to know more about the singer. Was this singer the reason Trey decided to live outside the walls? I think I needed more information. I also feel that this story probably would have benefitted with more words. Adding more words, of course, would have put you over the limit. I feel that the story you were trying to tell would have done better in the Short Story competition, rather than the Flash Fiction. This is something that I’ve struggled with myself, but I am (slowly) realizing how to edit an idea and/or concept into a flash medium.

Joe 2.0 by Rich Matrunick

Well, I liked it.

I was a little confused when the word "Darwin" was used as a word denoting an evolutionary growth as opposed to the person, but after I read the sentence a couple of times I got it. I was also confused with the office poll. In fact, I didn't get it until I started typing this very sentence. Maybe I'm just dense, or maybe some elaboration is needed. Not sure which. I suggest asking a bunch of other people and see what the consensus is. Or, you could just ignore me.

"He's gone aquatic." - This line is awesome and I'm glad you used it to end the story. Hilarious.

Oh, here's a nitpick:

>>“Well, perhaps… but without nuking the s**t out the planet.”

Shouldn't there be an "of" after the word out?

EDIT:

In the end, I chose the entries of DailyRich, PeterWilliam, and Sterling13.

 

[Tristis]

Okay, so then.

I made a little error in not stating that notice of stories had to be posted in the contest thread and HE has uncovered this oversight with his entry. I trolled the stories section, and the community section first and thought I had fourteen entries. I found fourteen scrolling through the contest thread and that was enough check/balance action for me in the wee hours of morn.

So. HE's story is in the contest and now he has a thread—all to himself, mind you. At this point, you can only review him. If you want to vote for him, just wait a few hours and his poll will open. I'm trying to get it to end at the same time as the others. Since it seems I can only manipulate how many days (rather than hours) I can keep the poll open, I thought it best to wait to the same starting hour.

 

[Hereford Eye]

I had eight contenders:
Colony
Erebus
Joe 2.0
Live free or die
Morningstar vs Jehovah
Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair
So, this guy walks into a bar
Trey’s Choice
I voted for Live Freee or Die because of the beauty of the imagined world. Not physical but completeness. Everything I needed to understand that world is included in the story and as well as everything I might wonder about being suggested as well. And it ends satisfactorily. Besides, I’ve always had a fondness for the Bruce Willis movies.
And I voted for Trey’s Choice for newcomer of the month. The story had a significant theme, presented it well, and reached an unhappy but thoroughly satisfying ending.

 

[PeterWilliam]

Choosing Direction at the End by Peter William

In short, I really think you have something here, you just need a little more editing.

Don't think I haven't forgotten your offer of help. Though my progress on things is glacial, due to division of attention for numerous priorities, I have some plans for this that involve an edit based on crits here, email to you, refine again and try to submit to spec fic 'zines.

 

[venustar]

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let Down Your Spade
By Victoria A. Rogers
This feels very Grimm to me, and that is a good thing! There is something that I can’t quite put my finger on, in regards to your style of writing, but you certainly have a way with storytelling. It’s almost as if I can picture you sitting around a campfire, spinning tales. I have no real nits with this one. I enjoyed it very much; a fine read and likely to get a vote!

Erebus
By Steve Jones
Heh. Okay, I really like your story. There are a few elements that keep me from wanting to like it, but they aren’t so strong that I can say with absolute certainty that I don’t.

As a personal opinion, I don’t like repetition of a word, especially if that word is not something used in everyday interaction. You have the word ‘scarce’, used in close proximity.

“Work was scarce worth the effort in the hottest part of the day,”

And

“The man looked up at the blacksmith, recognition was scarce in his eyes”

Now, this nitpick is teeny-tiny, and hardly worth the mention, but I promised myself that I would put my all into my crits this month. So don’t take it to heart.

Second, I’m not a fan of conversation that plays out as though it should be told from the narrator’s point of view.

“As I lamented my unjust fate a large black dog, as big as a horse, walked across the field and straight to me. His eyes glowed a fiery red, his milky white teeth were as long as my hand. I thought I was a dead man, but Erebus talked to me.”

And

“Erebus bit through my chains like they were paper. They fell to the ground and I was a free man. I stood up, bowed to the dog and made my way to the nearest edge of the forest, but before I was halfway to the trees the Sheriff and his men were on my tail. I knew I couldn’t run fast enough to complete my bid for freedom, but Erebus appeared beside me.

“‘Do you mind if I take your companions?’ the big dog asked.

“‘With my complements,’ I told him and kept running, even after I heard deep growls and the screams of men behind me.”

Of course, there’s nothing wrong with storytelling in this way. Just my opinion (which, I assure you, isn’t worth very much at all). To me, it just feels as though there should be a lot less dictation on Remo’s part, and perhaps he should be remembering most of this, instead of telling it.

Does that make sense? Eh, probably not.

Anyway, I really enjoyed the end. Good job.

Morningstar v. Jehovah
By Richard Dickson

Millions of thumbs in the air for you. This is a gem.

Soooo, let’s see. The only real complaint I have is Jehovah’s entrance:

“Banks of clouds swirled about Him as He entered, and doves fluttered in and out of them. A crown of fire roared above His head, which nearly brushed the ceiling, and several flights of seraphim attended Him, soaring exultantly around Him.”

Too many “Him”s, and I think the first sentence could be structuralized a bit differently. Maybe something like “Doves fluttered in and out of the banks of clouds, swirling about Him as he entered.”? Well, maybe it could sound better still, but I’m sure you get my point.

Other than that, another excellent entry!

Choosing Direction at the Dead End
By Peter William

7-11. Nice.

I had a bit of an issue with time and place, but I’m not sure if that was just me being ADHD me.

And this sentence was a bit awkward:

“The combination of my mother’s broken bottles lying destroyed on the floor, with the piece of my favorite in hand and having been cut and bleeding from it, I began crying and didn’t stop until I was remanded to the local PFNC (People’s Facility for the Nurturing of Children).”

Other than that, though, I think you did a fine job!

Trey's Choice
By Max S

Hello, Mr. Max S.

By now, you know of the obvious difficulties that arise from formatting issues. Unfortunately, a difficult read detracts from the story. I think that you have some really cool ideas, though; vivid descriptions, and a well thought-out world. There is obviously talent there, and a rich imagination. I think your story could really, really shine with a bit of polish.

The ending was pretty abrupt, and left a lot of questions unanswered. I’m guilty of this as well with my entry. Still, I’d read more if there were more to read.

Good job!

Joe 2.0
By Rich Matrunick

Ha! I loved this one! I wonder what Joe thought of his “new way to live”?

Now, the Thinkers… I’m assuming that it was because of them nuking the planet that the denizens of Fallout Plains are suddenly… evolving? Perhaps the story would benefit by a little more explanation. Other than that though, excellent story!

On to the next thread, and then to mull.

 

[Daddy Darth]

Now on to voting. The attention getters for me are Rapunzel, Morningstar v Jehovah, Joe 2.0, Choosing Direction, Colony, the Prisoner and Live Free or Die.

Rapunzel gets vote #1 b/c it is a great fairy tale with a wicked ending. I loved it and it made me happy to read it.

The Prisoner gets vote #2 b/c despite some questions that did not occur to me till after reading it I was pretty riveted from the beginning and loved the ending. It felt wicked too.

Choosing Direction gets vote #3 b/c it was another tale that kept me reading - needed to know how it ended and I was not dissapointed except I wanted more. Always a good thing. Uplifting.

Jehovah and Joe were right in there. So well written and entertaining - on equal footing with each other. I really enjoyed them both.

Live Free and Colony were in the mix b/c of solid writing.

Another great month. Thanks all.

 

[DailyRich]

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let Down Your Spade
James' reaction to the deal and how quickly he accepted it sort of tipped off the ending for me -- Henry's a handfull, but I doubt they'd pack him off to live with a witch because of it. But aside from that, it's a really fun read.

Erebus
Economically well done, but one thought does occur -- if Remo is so horrified with what he's done, why put himself in a position (going to a town full of people) to make it happen again? Remo's anguish at his plight is really well conveyed though.

Eye for an Eye
It's a little unclear whether Kenneth actually did anything wrong or not. Did he get set up to take the fall? Or was he guilty, and his friend somehow escaped the net? I think we need to know that to buy into the ending, because if Kenneth did in fact commit the crimes he was jailed for, him wanting revenge rings a little hollow. I like the idea of Zero Ops though.

Choosing Direction at the Dead End
Nice bit of poetic justice with the cherished memento of her mother being the instrument that strikes the blow against those who made her a memory. And I was genuinely surprised by her decision at the end, so you did a great job keeping things up in the air and not telegraphing where the story was going. The reveal she had inadvertently started an uprising and in so doing found a sort of peace within herself was nicely done as well.

Trey's Choice
Others have addressed the style and formatting issues, but I was really struck by the world you created here, enough that matters of mechanics didn't bother me. I am a little confused as to how advanced this culture is -- they use what sound like crossbows, but the light in Trey's bedroom "flashed on," which sounds like electricity. I think you have a strong concept and world here, worth exploring in other works.

Joe 2.0
I guess I'm on the other side from most of the other commenters here, I was a little disappointed that the bumps just turned out to be gills. I was expecting something more.

Choosing Direction at the Dead End was the one that stood out for me here, with an honorable mention to Trey's Choice for the sheer imagination on display.

 

[venustar]

Eye for an Eye
It's a little unclear whether Kenneth actually did anything wrong or not. Did he get set up to take the fall? Or was he guilty, and his friend somehow escaped the net? I think we need to know that to buy into the ending, because if Kenneth did in fact commit the crimes he was jailed for, him wanting revenge rings a little hollow. I like the idea of Zero Ops though.

*wicked, evil grin*

That's the point.

 

[NickeeCoco]

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let Down Your Spade
James' reaction to the deal and how quickly he accepted it sort of tipped off the ending for me -- Henry's a handfull, but I doubt they'd pack him off to live with a witch because of it. But aside from that, it's a really fun read.

That and coupled with the title, I doubt it was a real stretch to figure out.

And thank you to everyone's comments thus far!

 

[Sterling13]

My final list (in no particular order):
Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let Down Your Spade
Morningstar v. Jehovah
Yin/Yang
The Trials of El Gordo
So this guy walks into a bar...
Live free or die

From this list, "Rapunzel" and "Morningstar" quickly jumped out at me and gobbled up my first two votes.

As to my final vote... "The Trials" is going to get it. I still feel like there are some things that could be cleaned up with this entry, but, overall, it seems to be sticking with me more than my other finalists.

A bunch of great entries all around!

 

[MrBF1V3]

The usual disclaimers... I hope you folks wanted me to be honest.

Rapunzel, Rapunzel, Let Down Your Spade
By Victoria A. Rogers (NickeeCoco)
This was cute, and that's not a word I use often. For a moment you had me thinking they were giving up their son, and wondering whether I'd missed something which made him such a hardship to live with. Nope, I didn't have all the information, evidently neither did the old witch. (But what if she did? Scary thought.) Love the ending, O Henry would be proud.

Erebus by Steve Jones (MrBF1V3)
Thanks for the comments and suggestions folks. I really do read them all. Occasionally I learn something.

Morningstar v. Jehovah by Richard Dickson (DailyRich)
The whole courtroom scene, while it's been done before, still has the advantage of allowing the characters to contrast with the setting, allowing new perspectives. Having said all this, this story is amusing, fun, and a little ... well, I'm not sure. Some of your characters seemed a little out of character.

Eye for an Eye by Venustar
The story runs along at a good pace, maybe because the storyscape is familiar. The guy who took the fall wants revenge. You can skip to the end without really losing anything. But there were unanswered questions. If you realized what was happening why didn't he speak up, turn evidence against his former partner? Surely he had something that could have been used against him. Old Joe, in prison with him, but able to get out at a moment's notice. There is some explanation I'm sure, and I can think of at least one, but you could have shared.

Choosing Direction at the Dead End by PeterWilliam
Interesting goings on in the 7-11 habitarium. Sure, I could find something in the story to fuss about, but the main fact is I enjoyed it. Good work on the title, it describes the situation quite clearly, and manages to make the reader go “?” on first sight.

Trey's Choice by Max S (RedRightHand)
Some people get kind of upset when you think for yourself. Nicely written. The killing at the end is a little abrupt, and not foreshadowed at all when if it was something the society felt that strongly about would there would be some inkling.

Joe 2.0 by Rich Matrunick (Sterling13)
I found it entertaining. The story flows well, building the suspense. I suppose you could have stretched that part out, but as it is, it works.