Query letter

[fluffy]

OK, I will try adding the information about the wine and the ending to see whether that is better than what I already have here. I have read that some editors/agents like to see the ending, so I'll try including that. I think I'm looking for the middle ground between punchy/appealing and a point-by-point retelling of the novel.

I'm not sure I have anything relevant to put in my bio - I've worked as an editor and editorial assistant in the past, had many articles published, etc, but most of those magazines/newspapers are not very well known. I'm not sure if that would help or hurt the query.

 

[Pookiejmk]

I am a member on other writer's sites. One of which posted a typical style of queries for fantasy/scifi. I put it up for example here. She landed an agent for her series with something similar to it.

Dear Mr. McCarthy:
I read on Publisher's Marketplace about your recent sale of Mark Henry's zombie novel, Happy Hour of the Damned, and thought you might be interested in The Forest of Hands and Teeth, my 70,000-word literary post-apocalyptic novel targeted to the young adult market.

Generations after the zombie apocalypse known as The Return, Mary's life is as circumscribed by her community's strict religion as it is by the fences that form her village's only defense against the hordes of the undead -- the Unconsecrated -- who dwell in the surrounding forest.

Her faith is shattered the day her mother becomes infected by the Unconsecrated, and her belief in her community is destroyed when she secretly witnesses the Church leadership imprison, then condemn, a miraculously non-infected outsider who somehow finds a safe path to the village. The only other person who questions their Puritanical lifestyle is her betrothed's crippled brother, Travis, who has been assigned to wed Mary's best friend. Mary is torn between her duty to friends and society and her growing love for Travis.

When the Unconsecrated breach the fences and overrun the village, Mary, Travis, and their intendeds are among the few survivors. Now, their only chance is to brave the outsider's path through the deadly Forest in an attempt to discover the only thing that Mary still believes in -- that there is a world beyond the Forest of Hands and Teeth.

I am an active member in Romance Writers of America and several of its subchapters. The Forest of Hands and Teeth is my third completed manuscript and will appeal to fans of Alice Hoffman, Libba Bray, and Meg Rosoff.

Per the submissions guidelines on your agency's website, I have pasted below the first chapter and synopsis. I would be delighted to send the full manuscript at your request. Thank you in advance for your time and consideration. I look forward to hearing from you.

Sincerely,
author

Again I guess it is whatever gets your book looked at. Do the research of the agent and their site, some want brief synopsis some what something like what is quoted above. The more you know what the agent wants and what they like the better your shot that they might look at your stuff.

 

[KatG]

I'm not sure I have anything relevant to put in my bio - I've worked as an editor and editorial assistant in the past, had many articles published, etc, but most of those magazines/newspapers are not very well known. I'm not sure if that would help or hurt the query.

Put. It. In. Please. It tells them that you may be able to write and revise. It counts as professional experience. If they are on the fence about seeing the story, they may decide to take a look since you've been involved with written media. It certainly isn't going to hurt anything.

 

[fluffy]

OK, here is the latest version of the query.

I am also wondering about whether fantasy agents/publishers might balk at the idea of a fantasy novel that is only 76,000 words.

QUERY:

The Connoisseur travels across oceans to choose the best, most beautiful objects and goods the world has to offer. In Amala, that means men – and the men compete to be included, to bring fame and trade to their own islands. As a result, the Connoisseur's island of Loka'i is the cultural capital of the world – rich, extravagant, and luxurious. The loss of the Connoisseur is always difficult – and she has passed away without an heir.

Amala has been embroiled in a war with the people of the sea for centuries. The warrior women of Ona have been secretly trading with the very people they are supposed to be fighting. They have set up a drug cartel involving enemies of the state from the merpeople to their half-human cousins, in order to bottle the magic of the merpeople for the wildly popular black iwa wine they sell to the rest of the world. This is the recipe the Connoisseurs have been trying to discover for centuries, but the Onai cannot share the reason for the unique taste of their wine, or the reason it seems to have an almost hypnotic effect on the drinker.

Aiea, an unknown girl from a small village, is chosen as the Connoisseur's successor, because she has already fallen in love at the age of five. Without the elder Connoisseur's training, she must rely on her own instincts. When Aiea meets Emydd, a handsome young man from Amala's race of pirates, her acquisition earns her respect as Connoisseur – and the discovery of the first High King in centuries.

The ancient battle with the merpeople comes to an end as Emydd is restored to the throne with the help of the Onai warriors, and everyone hopes for peace and prosperity, as the legends told of the days when the royal family ruled Amala.

The legends were wrong.

Emydd's secret will end Aiea's life of luxury, and Amala will fall.

The only thing standing in his way is the Connoisseur – and a good bottle of wine.

THE CONNOISSEUR is a fantasy set in a vibrant, tropical world, and is complete at 76,000 words. I am a former editor and editorial assistant for ******** and ***************, I have lectured aboard cruise ships, and have had travel articles published in various magazines and newspapers. This is my first novel.

 

[Taramoc]

It definitively interests me more, now that you have shown more of the meat of your story. I'd just try to tie the different paragraphs together a bit more smoothly.

For example, the first and third paragraph should have stayed one after the other, as they were before, and put the second paragraph after, easing it in with a connecting phrase (something like "With Emydd taking his place back on the throne, even the centuries long war with the ancient sea people was about to come to a resolution").

The only thing that remain somehow confusing is Emydd's secret in the second last phrase. For a second I though it was the fact the he was the heir of the throne, but you mentioned it after he had become King, so it's not. Maybe elaborate on it a bit?

 

[fluffy]

Taramoc: thanks; I did wonder about moving the paragraphs. Another try.

QUERY:

The Connoisseur travels across oceans to choose the best, most beautiful objects and goods the world has to offer. In Amala, that means men – and the men compete to be included, to bring fame and trade to their own islands. As a result, the Connoisseur's island of Loka'i is the cultural capital of the world – rich, extravagant, and luxurious. The loss of the Connoisseur is always difficult – and she has passed away without an heir.

Aiea, an unknown girl from a small village, is chosen as the Connoisseur's successor, because she has already fallen in love at the age of five. Without the elder Connoisseur's training, she must rely on her own instincts. When Aiea meets Emydd, a handsome young man from Amala's race of pirates, her acquisition earns her respect as Connoisseur – and the discovery of the first High King in centuries.

Amala has been embroiled in a war with the people of the sea for as long as anyone can remember. The warrior women of Ona have been secretly trading with the very people they are supposed to be fighting. They have set up a drug cartel involving enemies of the state, from the merpeople to their half-human cousins, in order to bottle the magic of the merpeople for the wildly popular black iwa wine they sell to the rest of the world. This is the recipe the Connoisseurs have been trying to discover for centuries, but the Onai will not reveal the reason for the unique taste of their wine, or the reason it seems to have an almost hypnotic effect on the drinker.

With Emydd taking his rightful place on the throne, the ancient war with the merpeople comes to an end. Everyone hopes for a golden age of peace and prosperity, as the legends told of the days when the royal family ruled Amala.

The legends were wrong.

The royal family has an incredible power, and Emydd believes himself invincible. His tyrannical rule will end Aiea's life of luxury, and Amala will fall.

The only thing standing in Emydd's way is the Connoisseur – and a good bottle of wine.

THE CONNOISSEUR is a fantasy set in a vibrant, tropical world, and is complete at 76,000 words. I am a former editor and editorial assistant for ******** and ***************, I have lectured aboard cruise ships, and have had travel articles published in various magazines and newspapers. This is my first novel.

 

[Taramoc]

Better, but now I'm wondering what the incredible power of the royal family is. Magic? Absolute control of a huge army? Unconditioned loyalty from a demonic race?

 

[KatG]

Okay, so you've added some detail about the world and explained the wine pretty well. I would suggest, however, changing:

"The royal family has an incredible power, and Emydd believes himself invincible. His tyrannical rule will end Aiea's life of luxury, and Amala will fall.

The only thing standing in Emydd's way is the Connoisseur – and a good bottle of wine."


back to:

"Emydd's secret will end Aiea's life of luxury, and Amala will fall.

The only thing standing in his way is the Connoisseur – and a good bottle of wine."

What you had is fine, as since you've explained the wine connection, there's no confusion about its mention at the end. The new version of the end of the letter does raise the question, as Taramoc notes, of what exactly the royal power is, and I don't know that you need to get into a whole other detailed description of that issue. You could save that detail for the attached plot synopsis. What you had essentially says the same thing as the new version, but it's more succinct.

On the bio part, call yourself a travel writer who has lectured on cruise ships and published in magazines and newspapers -- that's perhaps a bit smoother.

 

[fluffy]

Hi,

OK, here are a few changes. The problem is that I'm only half a travel writer; I used to have a long-running travel column but I have also written articles on many other subjects, and have worked as an editor too.

I'm not sure about the second sentence in the third paragraph; it feels clunky to me.



QUERY:

The Connoisseur travels across oceans to choose the best, most beautiful objects and goods the world has to offer. In Amala, that means men – and the men compete to be included, to bring fame and trade to their own islands. As a result, the Connoisseur's island of Loka'i is the cultural capital of the world – rich, extravagant, and luxurious. The loss of the Connoisseur is always difficult – and she has passed away without an heir.

Aiea, an unknown girl from a small village, is chosen as the Connoisseur's successor, because she has already fallen in love at the age of five. Without the elder Connoisseur's training, she must rely on her own instincts. When Aiea meets Emydd, a handsome young man from Amala's race of pirates, her acquisition earns her respect as Connoisseur – and the discovery of the first High King in centuries.

Amala has been embroiled in a war with the people of the sea for as long as anyone can remember. The warrior women of Ona have been secretly trading with the very people they are supposed to be fighting. They have set up a drug cartel involving enemies of the state, from the merpeople to their half-human cousins, in order to bottle the magic of the merpeople for the wildly popular black iwa wine they sell to the rest of the world. This is the recipe the Connoisseurs have been trying to discover for centuries, but the Onai will not reveal the reason for the unique taste of their wine, or the reason it seems to have an almost hypnotic effect on the drinker.

With Emydd taking his rightful place on the throne, the ancient war with the merpeople comes to an end. Everyone hopes for a golden age of peace and prosperity, as the legends told of the days when the royal family ruled Amala.

The legends were wrong.

Emydd's secret will end Aiea's life of luxury, and Amala will fall.

The only thing standing in his way is the Connoisseur – and a good bottle of wine.

THE CONNOISSEUR is a fantasy set in a vibrant, tropical world, and is complete at 76,000 words. I am a travel writer who has lectured aboard cruise ships, and published in various magazines and newspapers. This is my first novel.

 

[Taramoc]

I agree with Kat ultimately, that not explaying the secret is better, but as it is, it makes me think that you already mentioned Emydd's secret and I somehow missed it in the previous paragraph.

Maybe instead of saying "Emydd's secret will end..." you could introduce it a bit more, like "Emydd is hiding something, a secret that will end..." (with better wording).

You know what I mean? Either than that, I dig it. I'd definitively consider reading it.

 

[fluffy]

How about this instead:


QUERY:

The Connoisseur travels across oceans to choose the best, most beautiful objects and goods the world has to offer. In Amala, that means men – and the men compete to be included, to bring fame and trade to their own islands. As a result, the Connoisseur's island of Loka'i is the cultural capital of the world – rich, extravagant, and luxurious. The loss of the Connoisseur is always difficult – and she has passed away without an heir.

Aiea, an unknown girl from a small village, is chosen as the Connoisseur's successor, because she has already fallen in love at the age of five. Without the elder Connoisseur's training, she must rely on her own instincts. When Aiea meets Emydd, a handsome young man from Amala's race of pirates, her acquisition earns her respect as Connoisseur – and the discovery of the first High King in centuries.

Amala has been embroiled in a war with the people of the sea for as long as anyone can remember. The Onai have set up a treasonous drug cartel with enemies of the state, from the merpeople to their half-human cousins. There is a bottle on every table throughout the islands of their wildly popular black iwa wine. The Onai have refused to reveal the reason for the unique taste of their wine to any Connoisseur, or explain why it seems to have an almost hypnotic effect on the drinker.

With Emydd taking his rightful place on the throne, the ancient war with the merpeople comes to an end. Everyone hopes for a golden age of peace and prosperity, as the legends told of the days when the royal family ruled Amala.

The legends were wrong.

If Emydd remains king, he will destroy Amala's life of luxury, and the kingdom will fall.

The only thing standing in his way is the Connoisseur – and a good bottle of wine.

THE CONNOISSEUR is a fantasy set in a vibrant, tropical world, and is complete at 76,000 words. I am a travel writer who has lectured aboard cruise ships, and published in various magazines and newspapers. This is my first novel.

 

[Taramoc]

Excellent! No more complains from me

Good luck with your query, keep us posted

 

[KatG]

How about this instead:


QUERY:

The Connoisseur travels across oceans to choose the best, most beautiful objects and goods the world has to offer. In Amala, that means men – and the men compete to be included, to bring fame and trade to their own islands. As a result, the Connoisseur's island of Loka'i is the cultural capital of the world – rich, extravagant, and luxurious. The loss of the Connoisseur is always difficult – and she has passed away without an heir.

Aiea, an unknown girl from a small village, is chosen as the Connoisseur's successor, because she has already fallen in love at the age of five. Without the elder Connoisseur's training, she must rely on her own instincts. When Aiea meets Emydd, a handsome young man from Amala's race of pirates, her acquisition earns her respect as Connoisseur – and the discovery of the first High King in centuries.

Amala has been embroiled in a war with the people of the sea for as long as anyone can remember. The Onai have set up a treasonous drug cartel with enemies of the state, from the merpeople to their half-human cousins. There is a bottle on every table throughout the islands of their wildly popular black iwa wine. The Onai have refused to reveal the reason for the unique taste of their wine to any Connoisseur, or explain why it seems to have an almost hypnotic effect on the drinker.

With Emydd taking his rightful place on the throne, the ancient war with the merpeople comes to an end. Everyone hopes for a golden age of peace and prosperity, as the legends told of the days when the royal family ruled Amala.

The legends were wrong.

If Emydd remains king, he will destroy Amala's life of luxury, and the kingdom will fall.

The only thing standing in his way is the Connoisseur – and a good bottle of wine.

THE CONNOISSEUR is a fantasy set in a vibrant, tropical world, and is complete at 76,000 words. I am a travel writer who has lectured aboard cruise ships, and published in various magazines and newspapers. This is my first novel.

You left out the editorial experience in the bio part. Put that back in. Otherwise, it sounds pretty good to me.

 

[fluffy]

Thanks for all your help! I will let you know how it goes.