Query - Synopsis of Novel

[Tim_Seraphim]

After the failure of preliminary agent queries, I am naturally working three times as hard to improve everything that needs improvement and then some. Being as the brief synopsis in the query is the first taste of my work an agent will get, I'm going to post it here and see what my fellow would-be writers think. Harsh yet constructive criticism suggested.

With our world torn by war and on the brink of Armageddon, Edward Grimshaw has one desire: vengeance. Seeking the support of Samuel Lucas, a man with colossal connections, he is instead unjustly imprisoned for interrupting a clandestine congregation of infernal intentions. Once liberated, dilemma after dilemma descends into a domino decree as mysterious beings are encountered, powerful weapons are acquired, and the seventh seal becomes shattered. As our waning world begins to forfeit under a malevolent mafia of ancient antiquity, Grimshaw is forced by fate into a team manifested by destiny, elected to endanger existence in an ultimate ultimatum for angelic aid against the dreaded Diaboli.

 

[N. E. White]

Hey Tim,

Just a quick note, this sounds more like the back page blurb than a synopsis. I would consider researching what exactly goes into a synopsis. I think it's usually a one page summary that tells the entire story (plot, characters, etc.). If you searched on these here forums for 'synopsis', I'm sure you'll find some great advice. Also, you may want to check out the Writer's Digest Guide to Query Letters. It has some great synopsis samples.

Oh, and I'm not a published writer, but have been lurking around here for a while.

Good luck!

 

[kmtolan]

Doesn't really tell me too much - one of the issues I have is with

colossal connections
imprisoned for interrupting
clandestine congregation
infernal intentions
dilemma after dilemma
descends into a domino decree
seventh seal becomes shattered
waning world
malevolent mafia...

I think you get the idea. The last place for word games in my opinion is an agent query or synopsis. Your job is to get them into the story, not amuse them. You don't say enough about the story itself in this brief start for me to even guess what is going on. Not good. Your synopsis should not hold back secrets as much as make clear how you progress your plot. Yeah, I will agree that this sounds like a blurb.

Kerry

 

[Jon Sprunk]

Tim, what you have is a blurb, not a synopsis, which is fine for a basic query letter. I agree with Kerry that you're throwing around a lot of big phrases without really telling us (or the agents) anything concrete.

Here is the blurb from the letter I used to get my foot in the door at Pyr:

Shadow’s Son (95,000 words) is the story of a young assassin thrust into the middle of a political and religious upheaval that threatens to topple the last bastion of civilization.

The holy city of Othir, once the center of a sprawling empire, remains a hotbed of intrigue and corruption, just the place for a young assassin with no loyalties and few scruples. Caim makes his living on the edge of a blade, but when a job goes bad, he finds himself on the run. In a desperate fight against crooked lawmen, rival killers, and deadly sorcery, his only allies are the spoiled socialite daughter of his last victim and a guardian spirit no one else can see. Together they must thread the city’s dangerous alleyways and sleazy backrooms to uncover a conspiracy at the heart of the realm before it tears down everything they hold dear.

It's not Tolstoy, but it gets the point across. Your goal is to tantalize the reader into asking to see the manuscript. I would suggest cutting back on the ten-dollar words and adding more about character motivation.

 

[Lucanus]

I agree about the blurb but I'd read both of those books.

 

[KatG]

Well, no, it's not a blurb yet either because there's not enough context.

"With our world torn by war and on the brink of Armageddon, Edward Grimshaw has one desire: vengeance."

Who is Edward Grimshaw? Vengeance against who for what? If it was a blurb, it would be something like: "With our world torn by war and on the brink of Armageddon, demon hunter Edward Grimshaw has one desire: vengeance for the slaughter of his wife and children by the wraiths of Hell." Etc.

"Seeking the support of Samuel Lucas, a man with colossal connections, he is instead unjustly imprisoned for interrupting a clandestine congregation of infernal intentions."

I like the first part of the sentence, but I have no idea what the second part means.

"Once liberated, dilemma after dilemma descends into a domino decree as mysterious beings are encountered, powerful weapons are acquired, and the Seventh Seal becomes shattered."

Okay, I know what the Seventh Seal is, but who shattered it? Did Ed? Who liberated him (and was it a prison in Hell or something else?) What mysterious beings, what powerful weapons? Does Ed use the weapons?

"As our waning world begins to forfeit under a malevolent mafia of ancient antiquity, Grimshaw is forced by fate into a team manifested by destiny, elected to endanger existence in an ultimate ultimatum for angelic aid against the dreaded Diaboli."

Okay, I love the word play here -- maybe go a little lighter -- but now we've got a team. Who's on the team?

You're doing an Earth setting with the Christian Biblical set-up, so people will be able to pick up on some details without elaboration, but even a blurb needs more plot, fewer adjectives. And in a query synopsis, you want to get in Edward's emotional conflicts so they have an idea where you are going and what's interesting about his story. Remember, they read a lot of stories about saviors, demons, and monsters, so the little details that are yours and this character who is yours -- those are your main selling points.

The Infamous Query Letter Thread may help -- which reminds me, I forgot to get it up as a Sticky. I'll try to do that over the weekend.

 

[kater]

The Infamous Query Letter Thread may help -- which reminds me, I forgot to get it up as a Sticky. I'll try to do that over the weekend.

Found and stuck to free up your weekend

 

[Tim_Seraphim]

Okay, it is meant to be a blurb. The place I was basing my query letter off of called it a 'brief synopsis.'
This is excellent. Finally some people telling me what the problem is instead of complimenting the word choices. My original blurb mentioned everyone on the team, but some people felt including so many names in it distracted from the main character and confused the main objective. I will take these considerations to heart and post an altered version. More plot, emotional motivation, and clearly subjects of actions.

 

[Tim_Seraphim]

This is the improved version. Please note I still feel this isn't quite a 'home run' yet, but after taking the suggestions into consideration I feel this is closer to a score. I elaborated on the details and toned down the alliteration, however I refuse to remove it completely as I kind of like how it looks. (Selfish ignorance, I realize.) I didn't elaborate on EVERY little detail as I'm trying to keep it as short as possible, but hopefully this paints a clearer picture of what is going on.

With our world torn by war and on the brink of Armageddon, blind gunslinger Edward Grimshaw has one desire: vengeance for the death of his love at the hands of her brother, crooked cop Robert Justice. Seeking the support of Samuel Lucas, ace district attorney in the largest metropolis in America, he is instead unjustly imprisoned by the very man he seeks to destroy. Liberated by Alexandre Penn, a dedicated constable tasked with stopping Samuel, Robert, and the rest of the newly formed Revelation Revolution, creepy cabbie Melvyn reveals Alexandre’s secret lineage and a plan of action to stop the revolution. With Alexandre seeking the sacred sword Heligswer, the revolution acquires the spiteful spear Oheligbur and shatters the Seventh Seal, unleashing a malevolent mafia of ancient antiquity. Lacking the power to stop the mafia themselves, Grimshaw and Alexandre are elected to endanger the existence of our waning world by pleading the angels of Atlantis to settle their war with the demonic Diaboli once and for all.

Thanks to everyone who has responded and anyone else that replies in the future!

 

[zachariah]

Hello, Tim_Seraphim. First a caveat: I'm another unpublished random internet yahoo. I've read a load of books and done a bit of writing in other fields and spent a fair amount of time on other forums dedicated to blurbs/queries like this, but I'm no authority.

My main problem with this, is it's all over the shop. There are so many plotlines and characters thrown into the mix, it's impossible to tell what your book is really about and what your main character is really into.

Also, the terms you do specify are sufficently off-beat that they simply demand further explanation - for which there is no space in a blurb. Below is your latest version with some comments to illustrate what I'm getting at.

With our world torn by war and on the brink of Armageddon ('Armageddon' can be interpreted in many different ways - I want to know what you really mean, rather than some generic disaster), blind gunslinger (Okay, that's kind of interesting, but you should explain how he does it) Edward Grimshaw has one desire: vengeance for the death of his love at the hands of her brother (extremely cumbersome sentence, and 'desire' is too weak a word to convey the overriding need Edward must be driven by), crooked cop Robert Justice (Do you really need to pad the wordcount here by naming everybody? This would read better if you stopped at 'brother'). Seeking the support of Samuel Lucas, ace district attorney in the largest metropolis in America,(all of the sentence up to here is unnecessary) he is instead unjustly imprisoned by the very ('very' in this context, like 'mere', should be killed on sight) man he seeks to destroy. Liberated (the word choice here is jarring, by deliberately avoiding the more obvious 'Freed', you establish an archaic, gentlemanly tone that goes against the modern setting), by Alexandre Penn, a dedicated constable tasked with stopping Samuel, Robert, and the rest of the newly formed Revelation Revolution, creepy cabbie Melvyn reveals Alexandre’s secret lineage and a plan of action to stop the revolution. (Whoa! That whole sentence is way too long, and loses its way completely when you add Melvyn. It sounds like you mean he's a part of their gang, but he wants to stop the revolution? Is this is a mistake or is this different to the Revelation Revolution, which would make things needlessly confusing) With Alexandre seeking the sacred sword Heligswer (the what? Why?), the revolution acquires the spiteful spear Oheligbur (How? Why?) and shatters the Seventh Seal (the what? Why?), unleashing a malevolent mafia (cute alliteration, but annoying and pointless. 'Mafia' conjures up images of Italian mobsters, which I don't think you really want) of ancient antiquity (this is a tautology - the one implies the other, and again the alliteration comes across as tacky). Lacking the power to stop the mafia themselves, Grimshaw and Alexandre are elected to endanger (to endanger? Are you sure? At this point surely you mean they are chosen to save it?) the existence of our waning (what?) world by pleading the angels of Atlantis (the who?) to settle their war with the demonic Diaboli (what, these are the ultimate bad guys and they get one name check with no context at the end?) once and for all

I think there could be an exciting end-of-days-type Christian themed fantasy here, but it's very hard to tell with a confusing and frustrating paragraph like this. You really need to simplify it to qualify as a blurb, or greatly expand it for a synopsis. Also, the fact that it's all one paragraph indicates you haven't thought through the episodic nature of what you're trying to convey. Don't try and tell it all at once.

 

[Tim_Seraphim]

I feel it is all too big as well. The very first blurb I ever did was quick and simple, yet I have to constantly add things to clarify every minute detail because the reader is asking the questions which should, and would, be ultimately answered in the book. I understand and agree with most of critiques except it seems you begin to wander into a bit of nitpicking for the sake of questioning. You complain of its length but keeping asking 'why.' I will address the issues I disagree with.

"('Armageddon' can be interpreted in many different ways - I want to know what you really mean, rather than some generic disaster)" - End of the world, which is actually elaborated with the mentioning of my next issue.

"Seventh Seal (the what? Why?)" - Does the concept of the Seventh Seal REALLY need to be explained for a blurb? Chances are if the reader has no idea what that is, he won't be interested in my novel to begin with.

"blind gunslinger (Okay, that's kind of interesting, but you should explain how he does it)" - should I spend part of a blurb explaining how a blind man still has the capability to fire a gun instead of trying to describe the story?

"unleashing a malevolent mafia (cute alliteration, but annoying and pointless. 'Mafia' conjures up images of Italian mobsters, which I don't think you really want)" - Yes it is. I want the idea of the hierarchy of 'hell' to be interpreted as a mafia of the demons as opposed to the typical 'kingdom of sovereingty' ordeal. To me, the very word "Diaboli" sounds mafia-esque, and they are not exactly the 'main bad guys,' merely the more powerful bad guys the 'main bad guys' the Revelation Revolution unleash in order to enslave the world.

"to endanger? Are you sure? At this point surely you mean they are chosen to save it?" - Yes it is endanger. It is a plot twist. Allow me to clarify: the 'final battle' upon earth, between angels and demons is supposed to bring about the end times. The obviously underpowered humans cannot fight the power of the demons, hence they need aid. They are risking their existence altogether in order to prevent their world from being enslaved by demons.

This is by no means a story to be concluded with one novel, merely the introduction to the series, none of which I have included in the blurb attempt as I am focused on this one book. I am appreciative of your constructive criticism, but questioning every detail of every word with a desire for elaboration then complaining something is too broad of length does sound a bit hypocritical. Surely just wording it as 'blind gunslinger wants to avenge dead 'wife' but instead cop joins group who frees demons to rule the world' wouldn't work as a blurb. I will trim this down and see what happens.

 

[zachariah]

You're right, it's a fine balancing act in a blurb to make it punchy enough to grab the reader and tell them what it's all about, without going into anything at great length. What I'm saying is, you've got to choose only the bare essentials and tell them, with only as much detail as is necessary.

PS 'Hypocritical' is the wrong word, as I'm not putting forward my own blurb containing the same issues I accuse you of. What I'm suggesting may sound counter-intuitive - more detail in less words - but it just means you've got to choose your details more carefully. Also, blurbs are no place to be giving away plot twists! Do you intend this to be a query letter instead? I'm still not quite sure if you mean Edward and his group are the good guys or not.

 

[Tim_Seraphim]

The blurb is meant to be the first paragraph of my query letter.

Edward joins a group led by Alexandre. I think the main issue lies in the fact there are truly 2 main characters, or 'players' I call them, and I'm trying to sum it up into one paragraph. Eventually 6 other characters, sidekicks or 'pleasantries,' join them but I felt mentioning the entire cast bogged down the paragraph as the focus is Grimshaw & Alexandre. Their enemies join a group called the Revelation Revolution, headed by Samuel Lucas, which is why he is mentioned, however I feel perhaps naming him is not necessary.

Think of it as an Avengers meets mythology so to speak. Basically good guys pursue their enemies, with the villains joining Samuel Lucas whose plan is to shatter the Seventh Seal to unleash the Diaboli to take over the world since it is 'weakening' thanks to World War III. When the demons are freed, the 'Avengers' team has no choice but to beg the angels for aid even though their war against the demons could very well destroy the earth. They eventually decide being destroyed and stopping the demons is the better choice over infernal slavery. Hopefully this makes things a bit easier to understand.

 

[N. E. White]

Hey Jon,

Your story sounds great, by the way, but the 'blurb' you want to include in your query letter is a bit confusing. Jon and Kerry are published authors and I would heed their advice. Simple and direct is the best for a query letter. If you look at all the successful query letters out there, you'd be surprised at how short and direct they are. They may not seem like it, but they are incredibly well written letters that convey the story very quickly. The point is that agents see hundreds of these a day and you want to let them know what the story is about as clear and concisely as possible.

And remember, it's ALL subjective. What might catch the eye of one agent, might not catch the eye of another. I think that's why it's important to research the agents as well and find out what they want to see in a query letter.

Good luck!

 

[zachariah]

Right, now I'm getting a much better sense of the story. I think the problem lies in these sentences:

Liberated by Alexandre Penn, a dedicated constable tasked with stopping Samuel, Robert, and the rest of the newly formed Revelation Revolution, creepy cabbie Melvyn reveals Alexandre’s secret lineage and a plan of action to stop the revolution. With Alexandre seeking the sacred sword Heligswer, the revolution acquires the spiteful spear Oheligbur and shatters the Seventh Seal, unleashing a malevolent mafia of ancient antiquity.

First, the query is following Edward up to this point, so the reader will naturally assume you're talking about Edward being liberated. The subject of this sentence is unclear - is it Melvyn who's been freed? If so, this should at least be a new paragraph. However, the general advice on queries is they should follow one protagonist only, unless the story is genuinely about two characters who get equal page-time. You've said Alexandre is the other character, but the way you've introduced him/her (the spelling makes this ambiguous) indicates s/he's a minor player. What you've showed so far does not indicate what you said in your latest post.

 

[Tim_Seraphim]

I feel this next one is a bit more precise, however I'm not getting the same sense of 'epic adventure of mythic proportions' from it. I feel it could be a good base as it's way stripped down.

Edward Grimshaw: a blind gunslinger driven by vengeance at the loss of his love by the hands of her brother. Alexandre Penn: an elite constable forced by fate to capture the most wanted fugitive in England. As their enemies join forces with Samuel Lucas, they shatter the Seventh Seal, unveiling their scheme for world domination. Grimshaw and Alexandre’s personal vendettas take a backseat to their survival, weighing total war of our planet against demonic enslavement of mankind forever.

 

[Susan Boulton]

I feel this next one is a bit more precise, however I'm not getting the same sense of 'epic adventure of mythic proportions' from it. I feel it could be a good base as it's way stripped down.

Edward Grimshaw: a blind gunslinger driven by vengeance at the loss of his love by the hands of her brother. Alexandre Penn: an elite constable forced by fate to capture the most wanted fugitive in England. As their enemies join forces with Samuel Lucas, they shatter the Seventh Seal, unveiling their scheme for world domination. Grimshaw and Alexandre’s personal vendettas take a backseat to their survival, weighing total war of our planet against demonic enslavement of mankind forever.

Ok, A idea, gleened from your posts.

Edward Grimshaw: a blind gunslinger driven by vengeance at the loss of his love by the hands of her brother, Robert Justice, finds himself wrongly imprisoned. He is freed by Alexandre Penn and together they are plunged into a termoil of events that over shadows their own personal vendettas. The Seventh Seal has been broken. Hell is about to be unleased on earth.

 

[Tim_Seraphim]

I was actually toying with the blurb at work and came up with something like this, though not quite as direct to be honest. It's straight and to the point, though I will have to tweak it. I am avoiding using the words 'God, Satan, Heaven, Hell, etc.' as to not get flak from the religious ryche as I plan to incorporate various mythologies into my series. I will post a more personalized version of Holbrook's awesome suggestion tomorrow. Early shift, no time for writing.

 

[Susan Boulton]

I was actually toying with the blurb at work and came up with something like this, though not quite as direct to be honest. It's straight and to the point, though I will have to tweak it. I am avoiding using the words 'God, Satan, Heaven, Hell, etc.' as to not get flak from the religious ryche as I plan to incorporate various mythologies into my series. I will post a more personalized version of Holbrook's awesome suggestion tomorrow. Early shift, no time for writing.

Thing is, Tim, by using the words Seventh Seal and Armageddon you already have a slight "Christian" slant.

 

[Tim_Seraphim]

It is intended to have a slant, however I feel that those words have sort of transcended just a Christian 'mythos.' The series will encounter many different gods from many mythologies. The 'end of the world' is not uncommon in practically every mythos out there, and the concept of angels and demons was around long before Christianity. The phrase may steam from Christianity, however the Seventh Seal in my novel is an actual seal that kept the seven worlds separated from our world, a concept I took from Norse mythos. The seventh seal is the seal that keeps Ignisregnum, the demon realm, sealed from our realm, Mediumundus. Once broken, the gate can be unlocked and unleash the demons.