The Couch Potato

Bestertester said:
I don't trust anything that looks like it was designed by design school graduates and not engineers. If a spaceship looks like a tennis shoe, the only way I can suspend disbelief is to take it as a joke.

But the Eagle falls into the uncanny valley of functionality. It looks at first glance like it would make all sorts of sense, and then fridge logic kicks in. You ask: where do the pilots sit, exactly? How do they get in if there's some other sort of module? What sort of engine? Where are the sensors and comm antennas?
Click to expand...

On the other hand they must be insanely cheap and easy to make given the number of the buggers that get totalled week after week. I
 
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Disclaimer: I wrote these character profiles of the Red Dwarf crew seventeen years ago, for my Red Dwarf website which is now defunct thanks to the hoster going belly-up, and I thought it might be nice to resurrect them here. But be warned! These profiles give away a LOT of information about the show, so if you haven't seen the programme or are currently watching it for the first time, you might want to skip these sections till you finish watching, as there will definitely be spoilers here you'll want to avoid.

These profiles only cover up to season seven (though I may update them later) and do not take into account the events in Back to Earth or the seasons after that.
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Arnold Rimmer
An officer and a gentleman, respected and admired by all his fellows, a lover of women, hero, space adventurer and model for future generations... these are just a few of the many things that Arnold Rimmer is not. With his three high-flying brothers, John, Frank and Howard top-notch members of the Space Corps, Arnold is looked down upon by his mother and his father.

Early on in life, the father of the Rimmer family had bought a rack, and every morning he would measure his sons to see if they had grown overnight. If they hadn't, then they would go on the rack! This was due to their father's irrational fear that his four sons would miss out on joining the Space Corps by failing to reach the regulation minimum height, as he himself had done. Rimmer's father also tested his sons on astro-navigation and engineering theory before they were allowed to be fed: no correct answers, no food. Arnold nearly died of malnutrition!

When he is old enough, Rimmer applies to the Space Corps academy but fails every test. Scorned by his parents, ashamed that he will be unable to live up to their expectations and also jealous of the success his brothers are enjoying, Arnold joins the crew of the Jupiter Mining Corporation vessel, Red Dwarf, in the hope that he can sit the exams independently, but even in this he proves useless, and is doomed to remain at the rank at which he joined the ship: Second Technician, which essentially means that he and his ilk check vending machines around the huge vessel and ensure they don't run out of chocolate bars or chicken soup!

In this he is joined by Dave Lister, who is part of his Z Shift, the very worst of the dregs of the technicians. Lister and Rimmer take to each other like a dog to a cat, hating each other on sight, and indeed Red Dwarf is not their first meeting place: Lister had in point of fact ferried Rimmer (using the name of one of his superiors as cover) to a brothel on Mimas, an incident which had haphazardly led to Lister's joining the Red Dwarf crew.

To others, especially Lister, Rimmer is a small-minded, petty man who delights in enforcing and observing pernickity regulations and awards the slightest breach of such by putting his subordinate (usually Lister) on report. The tale is related of how Rimmer accused and put Lister on report for mutiny! He tells Lister that he stepped on his foot, thereby impairing his ability to perform his duties, thereby clearly putting the ship at risk and thereby clearly mutiny!

This small episode gives a good idea of what the man known as Arnold J. Rimmer is like. Rimmer spends so much time in the run-up to his exams devising a revision chart, complete with symbols for rest periods, cram periods and so forth, that by the time he is finished making the chart it is time to take the exam. He thereafter decides to cheat, by copying out as much of the textbooks onto his arms and legs as he can, intending to glean the answers from his tattooed body and thus pass. His plan is foiled however when the ink runs, and he can't make out any of the writing. Once again, he fails. This is, however, to be his last attempt at this exam, or any exam, as shortly afterwards the entire crew of Red Dwarf is subjected to a lethal dose of radiation, which leaves the mighty ship lumbering on through space, a massive graveyard with Holly, the ship's AI computer, ensuring that the leviathan remains on course.

Lister has, a short time previous, been put into stasis, and therefore he manages to survive the holocaust that wipes out the rest of the crew. Reviving him some three million years later, Holly decides that the last human being alive needs some companionship to save him from going insane due to loneliness, and settles on Rimmer as his partner. He reinitialises Rimmer's personality from the computer disk every member of Red Dwarf was required to download onto before departure, and brings Arnie back as a hologram.

Being a hologram means that though Rimmer can talk and see and hear, and has the same memories, ambitions, drives and desires as the man he once was, he cannot touch anything, nor can anyone touch him: he is entirely composed of light, a computer simulation maintained by Holly, and dependent on the power source of the huge ship. This does not, however, stop him from haranguing Lister as soon as he meets him again, blaming him for not being there to help him seal the drive plate that allowed the lethal radiation to escape and poison the ship.

Rimmer has never been able to accept failure, or the responsibility for failure or indeed anything. He blames his parents for his upbringing, his lack of contacts for the pathetic way his career went, and Lister for just about everything else. He says that if people had not kept dragging him back he could have achieved the rank of an officer that he so desperately desired. He never once stops to consider that the reason he has not achieved any of his goals, least of all promotion, might just be down to the fact that he is arrogant, overbearing, incredibly hard to get on with and not in the least reasonable or likeable. In short, he is a total and utter smeghead.

But Rimmer does not believe this, and continues, even after his death, to blame Lister for everything he can, and find fault with him at every opportunity. When they encounter the Cat, he wants to throw it off the ship, but having no physical presence must bow to the wishes of his erstwhile subordinate. Even though he is dead, Rimmer still retains his right of rank over Lister, despite the fact that Lister points out to him that both of them were ranked lower than the man who changed the bog-rolls in the ladies' toilets! Rimmer is unanimously despised and scorned by everyone aboard the ship: Holly can't stand him, the Cat thinks he's a waste of space, and when Kryten joins the crew later on, he fights against his programming until he can call Rimmer a smeghead! Even the scutters hate Rimmer!

When Lister, who has been trying to get Rimmer to allow him to switch his former superior off for a short time so that he can reinitialise the hologram personality disk of Christine Kochanski, and go on a date with her, finally declares that he is going to sit the exam for chef, Rimmer worries, as this would mean that Lister would technically outrank him, a situation which could not be allowed to develop! Having failed to talk Lister out of the exam, Rimmer poses as Kochanski and tries to trick Lister into giving it up, but Dave sees through the disguise and goes ahead with the exam, which in the end he fails.

Rimmer is constantly on the lookout for aliens with a technology in advance of Earth's, aliens who can replace his hologrammatic form with a real, solid human body, so when Holly picks up a pod on the scope he is disappointed to find that it is nothing more than a garbage pod. His disappointment comes hot on the heels of anger at Lister, who has discovered, somewhat to his dismay, that he is the being the Cat race revere as Cloister, their god, and is indirectly responsible for the war that wiped out thousands of their kind. Sneering at Lister, he declares "I could have been God, given the lucky showbiz break you got!"

When Lister finally succeeds in getting his hands on the disk he believes to be that of Kochanski, Rimmer warns him that the disk will only bring him misery. How right he is! Rimmer has swapped the disks, and what energises in front of Lister is not his long-lost love, but a second Rimmer! Delighted to have another him to talk to, Rimmer the Original decides to move in next door with his double, and packs up his things. Lister, glad to help his former bunkmate move out, comes across a video, which Rimmer tells him is a tape of his own death. Watching the video surreptitiously, Lister hears Rimmer's final words as "Gazpacho soup!", and wonders why Rimmer would end his life with such a phrase on his lips. He asks Rimmer, but of course the hologram will not tell him.

However, it soon turns out that life with Rimmer is not working out for Rimmer. The two holograms are not getting on as well as they would have thought they would. Because Rimmer in any incarnation (with the exception of Ace Rimmer) is a pain in the neck, the two snipe at and fight with each other, and it is not long before they are at each other's throats. As their quarrel turns to petty bickering and spills over to encompass Lister and the Cat, one of them has to go. But before he erases the original Rimmer, Lister must know about Gazpacho soup. Seeing as he is to "die" anyway, Rimmer tells him. Gazpacho Soup Day: it was the greatest day of his life, he tells Lister.

After only being with the company fourteen years (!) he was invited to dinner at the captain's table. Unfortunately for him, they had gazpacho soup for starters, which Rimmer didn't realise was supposed to be served cold. He made the chef take it away and bring it back hot, and believes that this rather small faux pas in front of the men he had hoped one day to join was instrumental - nay, directly responsible for his never being promoted.

He soon has other things to occupy his mind however, when the crew pick up a distress call from a ship called the Nova 5. The service mechanoid, Kryten, tells them that there are only three survivors, all female, and the boys rush to the scene, Rimmer kitting himself out in his best officer's uniform, complete with rows and rows of medals, and an extra pair of socks shoved down the front of his trousers! He asks Lister not to put him down in front of the girls they are about to meet, saying that Lister should mention the fact that Arnie died and was pretty brave about it. He wants his shipmate to refer to him as something other than Rimmer: Ace, perhaps, or Big Man.

However, romantic liaisons are not to be, as the three women in question are in fact dead, and have been for centuries. Left alone for so long, Kryten has turned somewhat peculiar, and at first refuses to believe that his young female charges have passed on. Eventually though he is convinced, and the crew take him back to Red Dwarf, where Rimmer wastes no time in taking advantage of the fact that they now have a live-in servant; and what's more, he doesn't backtalk or outright refuse to do things as Lister does. Kryten is happiest when serving, and Rimmer is happiest when being served, so the two should get on famously. But Lister is not standing for this, and urges Kryten to break his programming, which after some effort he does, flipping the bird to Rimmer and heading off on Lister's spacebike.

Some time later a post pod catches up with Red Dwarf, and Rimmer learns in a letter from his mother that his father is dead. Seeing how totally blown away by this news the hologram is, Lister tries to comfort him, but it emerges that Rimmer hated his father, for the reasons outlined at the beginning of this piece. To help him forget about the bad news he has just received, the Cat and Lister offer to take him with them into a TIV: Total Immersion Video game, called Better Than Life. Here, one can live out all one's fantasies, and be whatever they want to be. Rimmer enjoys it for a while, being made an admiral, getting a solid body and making love again to Yvonne McGruder, his one and only romantic tryst, but soon his brain rebels at nice things happening to him, and he ends up ruining it for everyone.

On his Deathday however (the anniversary of the day he, and all of Red Dwarf's crew except Lister met their deaths), he puts himself in a tight corner by getting drunk and telling Lister how many times he has ever made love. Lister, unable to listen to Arnie's whimpering any longer, goes down to the hologram simulation suite and downloads eight months of his own memory into that of Rimmer, giving him a love affair that Lister experienced. Dave's memories of this period are now Rimmer's, and he indeed believes that he, not Lister, loved the beautiful Lisa Yates. The ruse eventually comes to light though, and Rimmer is even more upset.

When they find a stasis leak on one of the decks, Rimmer encounters his own self, three million years in the past, after Lister reads from Rimmer's diary, telling him that what the then Rimmer thought was a hallucination may in fact have been the now Rimmer coming back in time to warn his past self that he would be dead in three million years (which comes as no surprise to Arnie-three-million-years-ago!). Lister goes back himself with the Cat to try to rescue Kochanski, but Rimmer has as much success convincing himself that he must go into stasis to avoid the accident as Lister has with Chrissie. It's interesting to note that even after the "double Rimmer" episode earlier, Arnie has not learned his lesson, and still thinks that a second him on the ship would be a good idea.

When Holly is replaced by Queeg, the Red Dwarf backup computer, things begin to go very badly for Rimmer! Advised by the computer that the company is paying to keep him online, Queeg takes control of Rimmer's hologrammatic body, and forces him to exercise, go for runs, and revise! It's only when Holly regains control of the ship that Rimmer is let off the hook.

Some time later the fruitbat computer mistakenly brings Red Dwarf into an alternate dimension, where female opposites of Rimmer and Lister exist. Faced with his own sexual attitudes and manners in Arlene Rimmer, the hologram refuses to accept that this is in fact the way he behaves towards women. Arlene tries everything to get him into bed, including attempting to hypnotise him, a trick Rimmer had used once before himself, to convince a girl to go out with him. However, it is in fact Lister who ends up in bed with his female double, and the Rimmers both look down their noses at them for it, and enjoy every minute of Lister's discomfort, especially when, after they return to their own dimension, Lister's pregnancy test proves positive!

Rimmer and Kryten end up in another parallel Earth, this time one where time goes backwards, and earn themselves something of a reputation as The Sensational Reverse Brothers, before their promising career is cut short. Marooned on an ice planet with Lister, Rimmer tells his compatriot that he once used hypno-therapy to have himself regressed to a past life, and discovered that he was once Alexander the Great's chief eunuch! During the time they spend together as they wait for a seemingly hopeless rescue, it comes to light that Rimmer has in his camphorwood chest over £24,000 in notes, priceless (as they are now the only copies left) books, and a collection of hand-carved Napoleonic miniatures. The money, books and soldiers all go to feed the fire which is keeping Lister alive, and Rimmer is less than happy when he discovers that, far from burning, as he thought, his guitar, Lister has in fact cut out the shape of the guitar from Rimmer's chest and burned that!

When they discover how easy it is to switch personalities, Rimmer badgers Lister into allowing him to occupy his body for two weeks, with the intention of getting it fit again. However, not having had a solid body for 3,000,002 years, Rimmer snaps and when Lister regains control of his own body Rimmer steals it back, taking Starbug and almost killing Lister's body in the process. When Lister reorganises the timelines so that he never joins Red Dwarf but instead invents the Tension Sheet and becomes mega-rich, Rimmer, left facing the prospect of life alone with Holly, tries to sort it so that he and not Lister invents the Tension Sheet, but he only succeeds in putting things back the way they were originally. Sentenced by the Justice Computer to a total servitude of 9,328 years for his believed culpability for the deaths of all aboard Red Dwarf, Rimmer is saved from this fate by Kryten, who presents a case that proves beyond all doubt that there is no way in hell anyone with an ounce of sense would put Rimmer in charge of anything important, much less the safety of the ship.

Some time later, Rimmer meets his double from yet another dimension, this being the universally-liked, brave and courageous Ace Rimmer. Arnold hates him on sight, as he is a reminder to him of what he could have achieved. It turns out that the only difference between the two is that Ace was held back a year in school, and this made him buckle down and determine to do well. Rimmer finally realises his destiny (or so he thinks), when transporting to a world where wax-droids fight a war against one another; he takes over the leadership of those deemed "the forces of good", and leads them into battle. Unfortunately, he manages to wipe out not only the bad ones but his own small army as well. Little wonder, with strategies like "We attack tomorrow, under cover of daylight!"

But when they encounter a holoship, crewed by top-flight holograms, Arnie is in his element. He petitions the captain to let him join, but has to battle another crew member for that privilege. He uses a mind patch- downloading the minds of the most brilliant scientists that were in the crew -, but this goes wrong and he declares that he will withdraw from the contest, defeated. His opponent, however, is Nirvana Crane, with whom he has fallen in love, and she withdraws herself to let him win. When he discovers what has happened though, Rimmer uncharacteristically gives it all up to allow Crane be reinstated - and no-one more surprised than himself. Left alone on a psi-moon, a satellite which reconfigures its terrain to the mindset of anyone who lands on it, while Kryten is incapacitated, Rimmer is taken before the Unspeakable One, which is a manifestation of his own self-loathing. The entire planetoid has reconfigured itself to mirror his own personality, and has created such things as The Swamp of Despair and The Chasm of Hopelessness. Rimmer is rescued by his mates who pretend they like him, in order to get off the moon.

He contracts a holovirus and goes completely mad, imprisoning his friends in quarantine and turning off their oxygen. In his holovirus-enhanced state, Arnie is capable of telekinesis and hex-vision, a powerful form of psi weapon. He is eventually defeated (along with his friend, the glove puppet Mister Flibble!) just before the virus would have taken his life. When they meet Legion, the ancient creation of some of the most brilliant minds in history, Rimmer is given a hardlight body, this being a hologrammatic form that can touch and be touched, allows him to eat, taste, feel but makes him almost impervious to harm.

Despite this, Kryten runs a routine check on him and finds that he is suffering from a hologrammatic version of nervous disorder. He is instructed to take things very easy, but this is not helped when he is catapulted into a wormhole and emerges on an uninhabited planet, light years from anywhere. Having successfully created a clone of himself, Rimmer is soon overrun by more clones, all of whom are using his basic cowardice, snideness, sarcasm and treachery as the template for what they consider normal behaviour. Rimmerworld is born, and the original Rimmer left to rot in a cell until his friends come to find him, 557 years later!

Rimmer does however in the end reveal that there is a spark of decency and courage in him when, when faced with the prospect of fighting their future selves in a battle for Starbug, and hopelessly outclassed by the latter, he declares that they should fight. As he says: "Better dead than smeg!"

When the charismatic Ace Rimmer comes on board Starbug, Arnie is concerned: "We're down to our last three thousand vomit bags!" he declares, shaking his head. "It'll never be enough!" Ace, it transpires though, is dying. In point of fact he is a hardlight hologram, and not the original Ace which the crew met in "Dimension Jump": the story will be further related in the profile on Ace. He wishes Arnie to take over as guardian of the universe, a position at which Rimmer scoffs, but eventually, goaded to it by Lister, he accepts and with the help of his old friend settles into the role.

Eventually, Ace having died and Lister having convinced the crew that what stands before them is not the sad shell of a man that they used to know as their crewmate (or, as the Unspeakable One put it, "That walking vomit-stain that the world knows as Arnold Rimmer"), but the dashing, brave and handsome Ace, Rimmer, having sat through his eulogy and watched his funeral, bids the boys farewell and leaves to take up his new post.

This episode, "Stoke Me a Clipper", shows for the first time a glimmer of the man Rimmer could have been, and the traits we saw embodied in Ace, as he stares out at all the thousands (millions?) of previous Rimmers who have held the post of Ace Rimmer, and declares "All those Rimmers!" Lister looks at them, and says "They all did it. They all passed on the flame. Are you going to be the one who breaks the chain?" And we finally see the humanity, the compassion and the belief in Arnold Rimmer that he can in fact make a difference, be appreciated in the world. Somehow, it looks like the man we knew will be nothing like we remembered when he returns!

Again, the scene in which Arnold Rimmer is remembered, spoken of and posthumously promoted to First Officer by Lister, and then taken to his final resting place with all the other Rimmers, is enough to bring a tear to the most jaded eye. The scene is, typically, lightened by the presence of Rachel, the inflatable sex-doll, whom Lister solemnly refers to as Rimmer's widow (and yes, she is dressed in black)! And that is the last we see of Rimmer, but for his finest hour to date, when in a dream he returns to Lister, seeming to have lightened up, learned to have fun, and even kisses Lister!

Worried by the suddenly good memories he is having of his old bunkmate, Lister seesks Kryten's help, and the mechanoid constructs The Rimmer Experience, which depicts Rimmer as he believed he was: a leader, a hardened space adventurer to whom the others looked to in times of crisis, and who always knew what to do no matter the situation. Rimmer sings The Rimmer Song, below, showing exactly what type of man Arnold Judas Rimmer believed he was, no matter how others saw him. We can only look forward to his return in season eight!

 
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Ireland has always been on the fringes when it comes to TV drama. Sure, we do rural stuff fine, and our soaps are as good (or bad) as the ones 'cross the water, and we can make reality shows just as terrible as those on "the Mainland", but we lag seriously behind when you start talking about true, gritty, cutting-edge drama. We just don't do it well. We've had the odd success, but they've almost exclusively been insular accolades, and due to the nature of RTE (Radio Telifis Eireann, pronounced rah-dee-oh tel-ee-feesh air-un, the Irish national TV channel) it's almost universally unavailable outside of Ireland, so the chances of anyone seeing anything good we do are minimal to say the least.

Love/Hate has managed to break that chain, mostly I guess due to the proliferation of DVD. Now, people can buy the series and watch it even if they're not in Ireland and don't get RTE as part of their package. In fact, Love/Hate is so good that I would not be too surprised if one of the UK channels like Dave or Channel Four bid to show it. Written by Irish playwright Stuart Carolan, it's based on the lives of a team of ne'er-do-wells, criminals who run with an Irish gang and who are all, in one way or another, on the opposite side of the law. Its gritty and realistic portrayal of Irish gangland culture has won it many adherents, and the initial first season has now turned into five.

The series follows a basic plotline, filling in around the edges various activities and crimes engaged in by the gang, as they take on rival gangs, local law enforcement and even each other. You could compare it to Sons of Anarchy more than The Sopranos, though it's nowhere near as glossy or well-written as either of those, I have to admit. Also, in both those shows there's a sense of family, of belonging, of "us against them". In Love/Hate it's not so much love or mutual respect that keeps the gang together but what Ambassador G'Kar (see my Babylon 5 write-ups) called "enlightened self-interest". Each knows too much about the others to be allowed to fall out with the gang, and any attempt at disloyalty or "grassing" is met with brutal retribution. Everyone knows their place, and is wise enough not to step out of line. Everyone knows where the bodies are buried - often literally - and nobody wants anyone doing any digging.

But underneath it all there's a sense that most of these guys are not engaging in crime because they enjoy it. For some, it's their only means of support. For others, it's all they've ever known. There are the psychos and "headbangers" in the gang, and outside it, who get a thrill out of shooting guns and scaring people, but in general it's almost seen more as a job they go into than something they take pleasure in, or look forward to. Supplementing your income, as they say.

Like all good crime-based drama though, the emphasis is on the relationships between the gang members. A show wouldn't be much good if you didn't feel for the characters, understand them to a degree and perhaps even sympathise with them on occasion. Love/Hate does this very well, while at the same time never condoning what the guys get up to. In the end, it's just the way things are. It may not be right, but what else can they do?

CAST
In season one and two the gang is run by John Boy Power, played by Aiden Gillen, but the main protagonist is Darren, played by Robert Sheehan, whom you may know from Misfits, but I don't.

Darren Treacy, played by Robert Sheehan: At the beginning of the series, Darren returns to Dublin from Spain, where he has been hiding out since running from arms charges some years ago. It's dangerous for him to return but he has come back to see his brother, Robbie, who is being released from prison that day. Robbie though is shot, and part of the "arc" of the first series sees Darren trying to find out who killed his brother and to bring them to the gang's own vicious and permanent brand of justice.

Nidge, played by Tom Vaughan-Lawlor. Nidge is second-in-command to John Boy, and a tough little nut. He lives with his wife and son and does everything he can to protect them. He is often the butt of his boss's jokes, but bides his time, knowing his chance will eventually come.

John Boy Power, played by Aiden Gillen, whom you'll all know as Little Finger from Game of Thrones of course. The cold psycho of the gang, its brains and its leader. No-one dares go up against John Boy. He's a criminal boss, feared and respected, though there are rumours that he's a little soft in the head, as he seems to think he can see ghosts...

Tommy, played by Killian Scott. One of John Boy's footsoldiers, desperately hoping to get up the ladder of power. Tommy is supposed to collect Darren's brother from jail when he's let out in the pilot episode, but is sleeping with Mary, who is both Darren and Robbie's sister, and doesn't make the rendezvous. He also has a somewhat unhealthy attraction to a local junkie, Debbie.

Hughie Power, played by Brian Gleeson (son of Irish actor Brendan). Hughie is John Boy's brother and a total whack job. If John Boy is the cold psycho, Hughie is the psycho psycho. He's the kind of guy who will shoot you in the face "just for a laugh". Even the gang members think he's off his head. One dangerous man.

Trish, played by Aoibhinn McGinty. Nidge's wife. She's a hard-as-nails, heart-of-gold Dublin slapper who is fiercely loyal to Nidge but in her heart just wants a normal, quiet life for her and her son. She doesn't say no to all the expensive gifts her husband gets her though. She is however tired of the constant knocks on the door at all hours, Nidge being taken away by the Gardai to "assist in their enquiries".

Rosie, played by Ruth Negga. Darren's love interest though she's with someone else. They knew each other before Darren went away to Spain, now they're unsure if they should try to rekindle the relationship. And then there's Stumpy!

Stumpy, played by Peter Campion. A real hard case, he's with Ruth now and knocks her about. Darren is just looking for a chance to kill him, but John Boy needs him and forbids it.

These then are the main characters in the series, at least for season one. Some will die, move on, not be needed for seasons two and three, but the main core cast will remain. Love/Hate has many twists and surprises, not a little humour and as a Dublin guy makes me wonder just how safe those streets I avoid at night really are?

An interesting thing about the series is that the first season ran to a mere four episodes, whereas consequent season were expanded to six episodes each. That I think demonstrates how popular it became. To be fair, six episodes per season didn't seem like nearly enough, though Carolan covered all the plot points and basically tied up all the loose ends in each - apart from those which weren't supposed to be resolved, carrying through into future seasons. Rumours persist of a sixth season, though so far we've been waiting now for about five years, so it seems unlikely. But you never know and if the right amount of money is offered then hopefully we may see more of this surprisingly excellent Irish drama series.
 
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Putting paid once and for all to the image of Rik Mayall as an anarchic, somewhat silly comic actor gained through such series as The Young Ones, Bottom and to a lesser extent its prequel Filthy, Rich and Catflap, The New Statesman stars the late and much-missed comedian in an almost serious role, though there is a lot of humour in the series. Mayall is Alan Beresford B'Stard, MP, a Conservative politician and representative of the constituency of Haltemprice. B'Stard, however, is no more interested in serving the people who elected him than he is in animal rights or the poor. He is a dyed-in-the-wool Tory, a caricature of all that is worst in politics, particularly on the right-wing side, and he spends his time scheming to make even more money, despite being immensely rich already. As he points out to his hapless sidekick on the event of the latter having lost him a big investment opportunity and cost him millions: "No, I don't need it (the money), Piers! But I WANT it! Because I'm very very greedy!"

This statement encompasses B'Stard to a "t". He is certainly not above blackmailing his rivals - or even those in his own party - if he can get away with it, and he's always ready to cash in on any scheme that comes his way. He knows actually little about the law, but gets by on his dashing good looks and his sweeping contempt for just about everyone. He is generally loathed by his colleagues, right up to the Prime Minister, though fawned over and treated with affection and respect by his junior, Piers Fletcher-Dervish, despite the fact that B'Stard gives the young man a terrible time.

His Machievellan schemes are a joy to watch unfold - and often, come crashing down in flames, but even when you know he's being totally self-serving and using everyone around him to achieve his ends, you can't help but feel a sneaking admiration for the man. Mayall plays the role perfectly, and as I said it's a far cry from "Rick" in The Young Ones or "Ritchie" in Bottom. This is serious stuff! Seriously funny, that is.

The series was created by Lawrence Marks and Maurice Gran at Mayall's request, and ran for four seasons, with two special episodes. Being a British series each season only had six episodes, so I'll be reviewing each in depth as we go along. The New Statesman won the BAFTA (British Academy of Film and Television Arts, the UK equivalent of the Emmys) in 1991 for Best Comedy Series and was a massive hit, probably originally off the back of Rik Mayall's comedy series prior but also surely due to the popularity of another, more gentle satire on British politics, Yes Minister and its spinoff Yes Prime Minister, the latter now resurrected for the twenty-first century. People have always wanted to see politicians slagged off, made fun of, exposed for the duplicitous, backstabbing, double-dealing reprobates they mostly are, and between them Mayall, Gran and Marks pull no punches in this biting satire.

CAST
The Rt. Hon. Alan Beresford B'Stard, MP, played by Rik Mayall. Having only attained his seat by the good graces of his father-in-law, who is chairman of the local Tory party, B'Stard milks the role for all it's worth. He hardly ever visits his constituency, except when it's derby week, and is less interested in the welfare of those poorer than him than he is in left-wing policies. He is however ambitious and wishes to rise through the ranks, by whatever means, fair or foul, he can employ. He's the knife in the dark, the whisper in the ear, the pusher down the stairs, and no-one can trust him.

Piers Fletcher-Dervish, played by Michael Troughton. Well-meaning, naive and impressionable, Piers is the perfect foil to Alan, and the ultimate patsy. When B'Stard wants something done he usually forces, cajoles, tricks or otherwise inveigles Piers into doing it. At heart Piers believes in his country, his party and the innate goodness of all people. Over time, his association with B'Stard changes that.

Sarah B'Stard, played by Marsha Fitzalan (hmmm...) is B'Stard's trophy wife. The two don't love one another, in fact they hate each other. Alan sees her as a credit-card-using shopaholic who taunts what he sees as his sexual prowess by sleeping with everyone - and everything - she can. He only stays with her because her father is the chairman of the local Tory party, as mentioned, and if he were to divorce Sir Roland's precious daughter he is likely to be thrown out of the party, and out of his lucrative and important position.

Sir Greville McDonald, played by Terence Alexander. A cabinet minister almost as corrupt as B'Stard himself, though more circumspect in his dirty dealings than the younger MP, Sir Greville and B'Stard cross swords many times, sometimes as adversaries, occasionally as allies.

Sir Stephen Baxter, played by John Nettleton. One of the old guard, Sir Stephen is an elderly MP who remembers how things used to be, and continually frowns at B'Stard's plans and shenanigans. He doesn't feature too heavily in the series, more as a sort of counterweight of morality and decency to B'Stard's rampant corruption and villainy.

Norman/Norma Boorman, played by Rowena Cooper. Although only featuring in the first season, Norman is Alan's accountant, and begins a transition towards a sex-change so that halfway through the season he has become she, Norman is now Norma, and even with a new gender she is still a pawn in B'Stard's political games.

Bob Crippen, played by Nick Stringer. B'Stard's nemesis on the opposition back benches, Bob Crippen is an honest, straight-talking Labour man, who hates B'Stard and all he stands for. They have many confrontations, most of which the Tory MP triumphs in.
 
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1.1 "Thou Shalt Not Kill"

The Grid is the official name for the operations centre in Thames House, the headquarters of MI5, the British Secret Service. It is here that Sir Harry Pearce directs and observes his highly-trained team of spies, or "spooks", as they go from day to day foiling terrorist plots, stopping bombs going off and generally practising what is colloquially known in Britain as "defence of the realm". We see from the start that this is not a job for everyone. As a spook, you can let no-one in, be close to no-one, have no relationship with anyone. The other half of your relationship must know you as a completely different person - different name, different job, different history. Every agent of MI5 is in a highly sensitive position and were their true identities to be known, not only would they and their loved ones be at risk, but the organisation would be compromised, and thus the nation's security.

So agents live double lives, like the superheroes in comics but without the tights or the superpowers. We see this first in the case of Tom, who is living with a woman and her daughter, who both know him as Matthew (rather interesting choice of name, as Tom is played by Matthew McFayden!) and think he works as an IT support specialist.

A bomb explodes outside a house in Liverpool, and word soon comes to MI5 that it's one of twenty (twenty!) that have been smuggled from Ireland to the UK, destination and use unknown. A major terrorist offensive looks to be underway. Tom visits the hospital where one of the victims, a Doctor Helen Lynott has died, while her daughter Sarah lies in critical condition. He speaks to Mike Lynott, also a doctor, and learns that the two ran a family planning clinic. This begins to look like the work of an anti-abortionist movement. Doctor Lynott confirms that he and his wife had been receiving hate mail for a few weeks, but he had hidden the letters, not wanting to upset her.

While Harry and his team try to work out who would have the connections and the financial resources to pull off smuggling twenty bombs into the country, the scene switches and we see a kindly old motherly figure baking cakes in her country house. Somewhat surprisingly, it turns out she is the mastermind behind the bombs, and she talks to the others in her group, who have already pulled off the first killing and plan more. Some of them - the younger woman, Rachel, in particular - seems more than a little reluctant, but the older woman, who is American and whose name is Mary Kane, convinces her with smiles and soundbites, and the plan will continue. What's really scary about this scene is that there are kids playing in Mary Kane's house, and she dotes on them; she doesn't seem like a monster at all. But then, as someone once said, it's easy to spot the devil when he's wearing horns and a tail...

Meanwhile Mary Kane's name has come up as the agents watch a broadcast of US news declaring that she has been convicted in absentia for bombing a family planning clinic in Florida, and that her husband is to die in the electric chair for shooting a doctor. That's to happen in a few days, and the agents have worked out that she's planning to use the occasion to mark her husband's passing by detonating one or more of the bombs. In the meantime it's come to light that their original intelligence was somewhat faulty: there are only (!) four pipebombs, the rest is in Semtex. This is not good.

MI5 send a team to the cottage to which Mary Kane has been tracked, to bug the place and listen in on her plans. They find that she is having an affair with one of the men in her cell, a guy called Steven. But the CIA find out about their operation and, given that Kane is wanted in the US, demand that the Brits turn her over to them for extradition. Tom is not pleased, telling Harry that she is their only link to finding out where the rest of the explosives are, and where they are intended to be used. They decide to step up their operation; they can't refuse the order, which comes from the Home Office (have to keep our American cousins happy!) but they can continue their efforts while the paperwork is drawn up and authorised. Maybe they can get the task finished before they have to hand the woman over.

Posing as a woman who is pro-life, Zoe meets Rachel, the younger woman who was at Mary Kane's cottage, the one who seemed not so sure that what they were doing was right, seemed not totally committed to the cause. She uses a ruse to get her to take to the hospital where Sarah, the critically injured daughter of Dr. Lynott is, and she and Tom try to show her what going along with Kane's campaign of terror really looks like. "It's shocking, isn't it?" Tom asks her. "Close up." She leaves, her crying son in tow, and panics, calling her husband on the phone and giving MI5 (who have of course installed a listening device in it) a name, Sullivan. Checking on any doctors named Sullivan they come up with only one practicing one and send a team over to protect her.

Harry delays the extradition papers all he can, but the CIA are getting impatient and send one of their operatives, Christine Dale, to see Tom to warn him not to stand in their way. Saturday is the "big day" for Paul Kane, and as she says, it will be a bonus for America if his wife is there right beside him when he fries. This "request" is then given added impact when the Foreign Office send a representative to advise that if the US are not allowed have their way they will block a substantial and lucrative licencing order needed by a big UK pharmaceutical company. As ever, money talks. Meanwhile the sad news comes through that Sarah Lynott has passed away.

Desperate to catch Kane despite the Foreign Office directive, and the fact that the extradition papers have now been reluctantly signed by Harry (he's done all he can to delay but has run out of options) Tom decides to have Zoe pose as Dr. Sullivan, who has been moved to a safe location, in order to try to draw the terrorist out. It's Zoe's first major operation and she's understandably nervous, though she tries not to show it. They know Kane has Sullivan's daily schedule and so they keep to it, hoping she'll track Zoe. As Zoe enters the foodmarket, Kane's car pulls out in front of her and they have contact! They follow her into the car park, noting and worried that she possesses a holdall and a mobile. It's pretty obvious what's in the bag and so they're unable to accost her in case she sets the thing off. They wait until she leaves the bag in the shopping centre and exits, then as she tries to activate the bomb they jam the phone's signal, and pick her up.

Tom interrogates her, trying to find out where the rest of the bombs are. She won't crack until he tells her that he has a tape of her making love to Steven, and that if she doesn't cooperate he'll make sure this act of infidelity is the last thing her husband hears before he dies. He also promises that if she plays ball he will make sure she's extradited not to Florida, but to some state without the death penalty. Seeing she has no choice and at the end fearful of dying despite her bravado and her willingness to kill, she folds and they are able to pick up the rest of the bombers.

They're driving her to her plane when they stop, get out of the car leaving her in it and two CIA people, one of which is Christine Dale, get in. Christine drops a brochure in her lap which shows the state of Florida, and asks her without humour if she is ready for Disneyworld? Kane knows she has been lied to and betrayed, but is powerless to do anything about it. She will die just like her husband, although the fact that she has been discovered to be pregnant may have some bearing on this sentence.

Spooks is not really the sort of show that provides great quotes, but some of the things said in the episodes are certainly noteworthy. These I'll be dividing and featuring in different relevant sections.

Before I get into that though, for those who wonder if MI5 are all about counter-terrorism, the following quote from the opening scene may set you straight:

"MI5’s major focus right now is counter-terrorism, but our brief also includes serious crime, illegal arms and immigration, and the drugs trade."

The "Need to know"
Working as they do for the Secret Service, it is frequently necessary for the agents to prevent panic or even rumour by disseminating a false story to cover something much worse, were the truth to be known. When these happen in the episodes I'll feature them here, under this heading.

The story released to the press about the first bomb, the one that killed Doctor Karen Lynott and injured (and eventually took the life of) her daughter, is this, as ordered by Tom:

"Army bomb disposal teams have confirmed this was a previously unexploded World War II bomb. Repeat, this was not a terrorist incident. Make sure that’s the only message getting out. I want it across the board. World War 2."

Harry's World

As head of MI5 Sir Harry Pearce has seen more than most, and has a certain worldview that is often honest and refreshing, blunt and to the point, and occasionally shocking. I'll be recording any examples of Harry's wisdom here.

Zoe talks about pro-life groups "So far they’ve just never been a threat."
Harry replies, in typical deadpan mode: "Something we’ve learned in the last twelve months. Nothing ever is. Until it is."

Harry is wistful for the old days, when you knew who the bad guy was: "I signed up here because I knew who the enemy was and I wanted to fight them. These days they don’t even have a flag. I preferred it when the bad guys had a flag. Gave them something to put on the coffin."


The mind of a terrorist
A little catch-all, yes, as not every criminal MI5 deal with will be necessarily classifed as terrorists (though many will), but when they do, it's interesting to note the skewed mentality, morality and worldview these people espouse:

Mary Kane: "I was terrified. At the beginning. But then I met my husband. And Paul sat me down and asked me to imagine something. Imagine a man with a gun. You’d be scared. So would I. But what if you saw him walk into a playground and point that gun at a child, how scared would you be then? And if you saw him pull the trigger, shoot one child, then another? Would you still be scared? Or would you stop thinking about yourself and just try with every fibre of your being to stop him before he killed the whole school? Of course you would. I know your fear, Rachel. But always remember who we’re fighting for. And who we’re trying to stop."

Big Brother is watching!
It's amazing how at times almost every person onscreen in Spooks can turn out to be an agent, keeping tabs on a target. Here are a few examples from this episode:

ALPHA is a Pakistani man in a suit.
BRAVO is a builder in a top that says “Lets Get Plastered”.
CHARLIE is a middle-aged woman with a shopping bag.

As she gets closer and closer to Mary...a variety of customers, workers, pensioners, daytrippers--all sound off quietly... everyone in this place is a spook.

Rivalries
The biggest rivalry in Spooks is between the people of MI5 (or "Five") which is the domestic, internal branch of the secret service and MI6 ("Six"), who handle foreign intelligence policy, but the representatives of the government often get short shrift too, seen as interfering, bureaucratic, self-serving toadies and puppets of the Americans. Which they are. An example, when Toby McInnes from the Foreign Office comes on to "The Grid":

Helen: "Creature of the night, two o’clock.
Danny: "Foreign Office. Get out the garlic."
The F.O man is even depicted as repugnant, an almost headmaster bearing, as he looks down his nose at the spooks and hardly even deigns to talk to anyone but Harry. He also pointedly runs his finger along surfaces, examining the dust on his finger, like a sergeant major at inspection time. He makes no secret of the fact that he considers these people beneath him and expects them to obey him without question. He tells them "They’re ("they" being the Americans) the big boy in the playground and right now if they asked to roger us over a barrel we’d thank them kindly and make them tea afterwards." He also refers to the Home Secretary as "His Imperial Highness", obviously seeing himself as one of the (more important) courtiers.
 
And so we move into December. Only twenty-four - probably online - shopping days left to the birth of Santa! In recognition of this, I'm going to be running a series of Christmas-themed events here and in the Box Office, maybe the odd other thread but mostly these two, all under the banner of
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And I'd like to kick off with a look at TV Christmas specials. Like this one.

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Focusing on the character of John Becker, a doctor who is so miserable, angry, intolerant and selfish that he makes Mister Burns seem like jolly old Saint Nick, Becker starred Cheers mainman Ted Danson who, ably assisted by his long-suffering assistant Carla, his dizzy receptionist Linda and his blind friend Jake, tries to make it through the next day without murdering someone. Sometimes he succeeds. As a doctor, his bedside manner is not the greatest, but he takes what he does seriously. It's when he's outside his surgery, trying to deal with the real world, that things really take a turn for the worse.

Becker hates Christmas. It's just an excuse for people to spend money, and to encourage you to spend money. People you haven't seen all year turn up on your doorstep, act as if they're happy to see you and you're supposed to be happy to see them. They eat all your food, drink all your booze and then bog off a day later to return to wherever the hell it is they come from, and good riddance to them. And family ain't the worst of it! Out on the streets there's a sense of wonder in the air, shop Santas prowl in jolly packs, people you don't even know and care less for accost you and wish you a Happy Christmas. It's cold, it's usually snowing, the sidewalks are slippery and every shop seems to be enticing you into spending your hard-earned cash on people you don't care for.

Yes, a real-life Scrooge indeed. For Becker, the thought of goodwill to all men involves locking himself in his room with enough booze to knock out a small-sized army, and waiting out the hated holiday season, not emerging again until January, after the equally annoying New Year's Eve. So you can imagine he's not exactly best pleased when, on a reluctant foray into a department store his back suddenly goes, and he is forced to remain in the festively bedecked, holly-covered shop for hours. He must feel like all his Christmases have come at once, which, while it would be normally considered a good thing, is for Becker the equivalent of Hell.
Becker: “Dr. Angry head”

Becker has reached an agreement with Christmas: no expectations, no disappointments. Seems to be working for him. Everyone else around him though seem to be getting affected by his hatred of Christmas. Jake is annoyed he can't go spend the festive season at his grandma's, as he does every year, since she is going to Atlantic City with her friend. (”Between them they have a walker, a wheelchair and an oxygen tank, and they think I'll be the one in the way!") Reggie's Christmas tree falls over, crushing her hand-painted Christmas bauble, with an angel blowing a trumpet which Becker opines is more like Liberace drinking a martini, a precious keepsake from her childhood, and Bob has not got one Christmas card from any of his tenants. To make things worse, Reggie's arch-rival, Sally from the bakery, has collected the most toys for the Christmas Toy Drive seven years in a row, and Reggie now intends to beat her at her own game.

While passing through a store, Becker notices that a Christmas tree in the display happens to contain a decoration just like the one that broke on Reggie. In an uncharacteristic gesture of kindness, he decides to buy it but the store manager will not sell it to him. Frustrated and angry, and determined to get the ball, Becker stands on the display and tries to take the thing off the tree, whereupon his back goes out and he collapses on to the display. Unable to move him, the staff have to leave him there, and every child that comes by presses the button to activate the display, until he thinks he will be hearing the cute little song in his nightmares for months.

Meanwhile, Reggie's plans to beat Sally have come to nothing. Despite going to such lengths as having Bob take toys from the lost-and-found at his building and putting a sign on Jake's back which says I'm blind, please give me toys she is still well behind in the count. Then she hears with delight the news that Sally's bakery has burned down, taking with it all the toys she had assembled for the Toy Drive. “Miracles can happen”, she says. “God bless us, every one!”


QUOTES

Jake (on hearing Becker enter, shouting at a woman about her dog): “Merry Christmas? Or should I just go screw myself?”

Margaret (listing the patients): “In two, there's a Santa with a black eye.”
Becker: “I don't care who he's with: what's wrong with him?”
Margaret: “Not a black guy! A black eye!”

Becker: “Look Santa, the traditional greeting is “Ho ho ho!” If a pretty girl walks by and you just say “ho” she has every right to deck you!”

Becker (after tripping in the store and activating a cute, animated display complete with chipmunk voices): “I'm in Hell!”

Manager: “You're going to have to get up.”
Becker: “I can't get up. I can't move my legs, I can barely move my arms. You're going to have to move me. But do it gently.”
Manager: “I'm sorry, but the lawyers tell us we can't help anyone. Train.”
Becker: “What the hell are you talking about?”
(A small train that is making a circuit around the display hits into his head)
Manager: “As I said, train.”

Kid: “Momma I don't like that toy! It's mean Mr. Angry Head!”
Becker: “That's Doctor Angry Head!”

Becker (to kid about to push the activation button for the display): “No no kid! Don't push that button! If you do, I swear to God Santa won't bring you a single present! All right, all right! I'll give you a dollar, no no! Five dollars not to push the button! All right: twenty dollars. I can't move though, you'll have to reach into my pocket to get my wallet.”
Kid: “Oh no! We saw a film in school about men like you!”
 
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Bottom: "Holy"

Created by two alumni from the anarchic classic sitcom The Young Ones, the series stars Adrian “Ade” Edmondson as Eddie Hitler and the late Rik Mayall as Richard Richard (usually referred to as Richie) in a carryover from a previous comedy starring them both and using the same names though different surnames, Filthy, Rich and Catflap. Eddie and Ritchie are two ne'er-do-well wasters who spend their days moping about their flat, moaning about why they never get girls and devising ever more complicated and outlandish ways to fill the boredom between waking to another day on the dole and heading to bed.

Showing the stunning creativity and acting talent of the pair, one of the episodes takes place entirely aboard a giant ferris wheel, which is due to be demolished later. Many comics can do a solo stand-up routine but it is quite another to do that on TV, deprived of props, distractions or a straight man. This is something Richard Wilson found to his cost when he starred alone in one episode of the hugely popular One Foot in the Grave, one which most people agree was the least funny of the entire series.

Though both are hilariously funny in a “God-they-didn't-did-they?” kind of way, in general Mayall was seen more as the straight man (though paradoxically was the most funny - the guy who's hilarious because he doesn't get the joke - and Edmondson the witty one. But each worked extremely well off each other, which is why with the sudden passing of Mayall it is almost certain there will be no more of this series, which ran from 1991 to 1993, and the future of Ade Edmondson is, at this moment, uncertain.

But back in 1992 they were at their creative peak, Mayall having survived a horrific quad accident (which would later lead to his untimely death) and moving into the last few episodes of the second season of their wildly successful show. As October gave way to November and the nights began getting both colder and darker, the bumbling duo decided to take on the fast-approaching Christmas, in their own inimical way.
Ritchie is like a child, waiting for Christmas with joy and excitement, though also playing the role of Santa Claus to them both. Little does he know, though, as he steals into Eddie's bedroom, that his friend has set a most complicated trap for Santa, and he is soon dangling from a noose. As he kicks his feet and struggles for breath, Eddie cuts him down (after first telling him “It'll cost ya a fiver!”) and Santa/Ritchie hobbles, bloody and limping, out of the bedroom. Returning moments later (just as Ritchie this time) he pretends excitement - (“I heard sleighbells, Eddie! Has he been?”) - he proceeds to open all the presents that have been left, while Eddie tries to sleep. It is, after all, only 3:30 AM!

After the present opening, it's time to get ready to make the Christmas dinner, so while Ritchie gets the turkey ready Eddie decorates the place, which basically involves him spraying “Eddie is great” in spray snow on the walls. Unfortunately there's a traditional Christmas accident, as Ritchie chops off one of his fingers with a cleaver. Eddie staples it back on, and by the time Ritchie recovers consciousness it's almost time for dinner, and the guests, such as they are, are arriving. These end up being Eddie's dodgy mates, Spudgun and Dave Hedgehog, who are less than impressed with the meal they are served up. Well, they would be, wouldn't they? The potatoes are so hard they break the plates when dropped on them, the sprouts are as crunchy as hell, and due to a miscalculation on the timings, the turkey has been reduced to a tiny, crisped husk. They're also drinking gravy, as “somebody” has polished off all the sherry!

As Ritchie tries unsuccessfully to engage the guys in games, there is a ring at the door and Ritchie discovers that someone has left a baby on their doorstep. Taking it indoors, he is somehow unaccountably seized by the notion that this is the Second Coming, and that he is the Virgin Mary! He quockly begins to plan revenge on all those who offended him, now that he has been revealed as the mother of God, but all too soon their landlord knocks, declaring that the child is his daughter's and that he just left him there as it was too much hassle to take him with them to the bedside of his wife, who has very selfishly started to die on Christmas Day.


QUOTES

Eddie: “Did you post my letter to Santa Claus? Cos I can't seem to find the “Starbird” that I asked for. Or me Batman cape. Or the ticket to the Bahamas!”

Ritchie: “I thought you said you were going to get me something sun-kissed and exotic?”
Eddie: “And I have! Just open it.” (Ritchie does)
Ritchie: “It's a miniature bottle of Malibu. Correction: it's an empty miniature bottle of Malibu.”
Eddie: “Correct. Merry Christmas, Ritchie!”
Ritchie: “Well, what use is that?”
Eddie: “You can use it to keep Malibu in. Just keep it away from me!” (Hiccups)

(Through a complicated set of circumstances I'm not going to write about, and which you'll only understand if you watch the episode, Ritchie is looking into a “play telescope” at a drawing of Sue Carpenter. Uh-huh.)
Ritchie: “Why's she got only one knocker?”
Eddie: “No, that's not a knocker. It's a speech bubble. She's talking to you, look!”
Ritchie: “Oh yeah! Fik off ... you sad ... pathic ... winker! Ooh! I wonder what she means?”

Eddie: “Oh no! Not sprouts! I hate sprouts!”
Ritchie: “Will you stop whinging, Eddie? Everyone hates sprouts!”
Eddie: “Then why are we having them?”
Ritchie: “Because it's Christmas!”

Eddie (looking at the turkey): “What you going to do with it?”
Ritchie: “Well, it's the season of goodwill and peace on Earth, so I thought I'd chop off both its feet, rips its innards out, strip it, shove an onion up its arse and stick it in a very hot place for four hours till it's completely burned!”

Ritchie: “Oh god! What's the procedure for someone who's chopped off their finger?”
Eddie: “I think .... they bleed to death in about half an hour!”

Ritchie: “Come ye! Come ye! God rest ye merry gentlemen, let nothing ye dismay. Remember ....” (Looks confused, unable to remember the rest)

Dave Hedgehog: “Is it Christmas? Today? Oh well, Merry Christmas then. Must be why that woman gave me that aftershave this morning.”
Eddie: “What woman?”
Dave: “Oh you know, that woman who's always hanging around the house. What's her name? My wife. Andrea. No, Avril. No, what am I thinking of? Susan! That's the one.!”

Spudgun: “See they changed the titles to Emmerdale Farm. Just called Emmerdale now. Doesn't take so long to read. Gives them a lot more time to do other things, pack more story in.”

Ritchie: “I've got a baby.”
Eddie: “We don't want a baby. Get rid of it. We're happy as we are. Why spoil everything? We'll drift apart. I mean, it's bound to come between us!”
Ritchie: “Well, I think it already has. Come on Eddie! It's time we faced up to our responsibilities! We can't go around being playboys forever! Besides, it's a fact now. We have to deal with it.”
Eddie: “Why couldn't you have been more careful? ”
Spudgun: “Poor little mite. What a way to spend your first Christmas.”
Eddie: “What? Lying on your back with a bottle in your mouth? Sounds pretty good to me!”

Spudgun: “Poor little blighter. No family, no friends, no Christmas presents.”
Ritchie: “Well, he's got us now.”
Spudgun: “Yeah. Look, he can have my present, a box of Terry's All-Gold. We'll have to wait till his little teeth come through before he can manage the chewy ones.”
Eddie: “Yeah, he can have this Frankenstein mask I was gonna scare the s**t out of Ritchie with later.”
Dave: “And he can have my bottle of aftershave. It's a new one. It's called Grr!”
Ritchie: “Gold, Frankenstein, and Grrr!” (Looks up at the three of them kneeling before the cot, with their paper hats on) “And you're all wearing crowns!” (And notices the blue shawl he has been entertaining the baby with, now wrapped around his head like a scarf.) “And I'm a virgin! Guys, if I was you I'd stay on my knees! This is it: this is the Second Coming!”

Eddie: “I'm not gonna allow the arrival of the son of God spoil my Christmas!”
 
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For all the slagging off I have given it - and will continue to give it - there's no doubt that some of the episodes of Seth MacFarlane's sister show (I suppose I should say brother, shouldn't I? Screw that!) to Family Guy are terrific, and one thing they certainly know how to do in Langley Falls is Christmas. Whereas the other show's Christmas show was a hodge-podge of Kiss-related in-jokes and some ripping off of the Simpsons (how surprising!), American Dad just went right out there with their festive shows, the one I want to look at being their fourth, broadcast in the middle of the sixth (or seventh, if you're in America) season.

American Dad: “For Whom the Sleigh Bell Tolls”

It's, you know, Christmas, and Stan is getting increasingly annoyed about the childlike wonder displayed by Jeff, even though he's now married to his daughter. Jeff still believes in Santa Claus, and while Haley thinks this is wonderful, Stan is contemptuous of the man. Does he want to remain a child forever? Francine is worried when her husband tells her he plans to get Steve a gun for Christmas. She makes Stan promise not to, but of course he goes ahead and does so anyway. Steve is less than impressed: he's hardly the gun type. Roger, unable to make an eggnog that can get him drunk, is told of a mysterious legendary moonshiner who lives atop a mountain and may be able to help him.

Stan takes Steve shooting, but when he aims at a snowman in a mall (why? It's a bloody machine gun for Chrissakes? There are children and women about! This is Stan for ya) he accidentally kills a mall Santa. He tries to hide the fact from his wife but Francine discovers the body, which Stan has put in his car while he tries to run the guy's fingerprints. Oddly, the CIA database doesn't seem to have them. Unwilling to have her Christmas ruined, Francine suggests burying the body in the woods. Roger finds the old moonshiner, who goes by the name of Bob Todd. He says he will show Roger how to brew the strongest whiskey on Earth.

Meanwhile, the family start getting mysterious messages claiming to know what they did, and when it becomes apparent that there is no Christmas spirit in Langley Falls, they begin to worry that the mall Santa Steve killed could be ... the real Santa Claus? When they return to the grave they find to their shock that it is empty. Then an elf appears, mounted on a roaring, fierce stag, and tells them that although it was the real Santa they shot, he is not dead but recovering at the North Pole. The elf grins, promising that Santa will return on Christmas Eve to kill them all.

Roger offers them shelter at Bob Todd's. The moonshiner has no love for Santa, and helps them when Jolly Old Saint Nick attacks. Jeff joins them, but when Stan finds out that the reason Santa was able to find them in their hideout is that Jeff told him where to deliver his present, he throws Hayley's husband out of the shack as the hordes of Santa descend, vengeance in their hearts. He comes back though and asks to help them fight, but just then Santa woos him away with a horned helmet he had asked for on his Christmas List. Torn between staying with his wife and accepting his present - (“You don't have to die with the Smiths, Jeff! You're a GOOD little boy!”) - he goes to Santa, dons the helmet as Stan snarls at him that he knew he was not good enough for his daughter, then headbutts Santa, who falls, wounded, while Jeff runs back to help Stan.

Seeing Jeff has risked his life to save him, even though he does not like him, Stan finds a new appreciation for Jeff and he is finally accepted into the family. They prepare to go out fighting - “Whaddya say we go out there, Jeff, and die as a family?” - but just as it seems they will be overwhelmed by superior numbers, Christmas Day dawns. Santa snarls that he only had till this point to eliminate the Smiths, and retreats in fury to the North Pole, wounded but swearing to return next year to finish the job.


QUOTES

Stan: “Just because you married him does not make him part of this family.”
Hayley: “Actually, it does, dad. And you need to get used to that.”

Francine: “I got wooden clogs to put around the Christmas tree. I'm starting a new Christmas tradition.”
Stan: “What was wrong with our old one? Allowing homeless people to smell our napkins after Christmas dinner?”

Stan: “Relax, Steve. Part of gun ownership is killing people accidentally.”

Jeff: “I wanna help, Mister S.”
Stan: “You want to help, Jeff? Stand here and shield me from arrows until you die!”

Francine (reading Santa's parting note): “You were lucky this time, Smiths. But I'll be back next year to kill you. Oh my God! Looks like we found our new Christmas tradition!”

 
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Frasier: “Perspectives on Christmas”

Like the title says, this episode allows us to view one event, or one series of events, from four different perspectives, each of which makes an seemingly innocent act look suspicious, or vice versa; the true meaning of not having all the facts before you come to your decision. We open in a massage parlour, where Martin is relaxing and relates to the masseur how things went, from his view:

Martin's Perspective: As they decorate Frasier's apartment for Christmas, Daphne opines that it's odd that, when she was walking Eddie just now, he turned as if to go into the local church. Frasier remarks that the dog did the same with him yesterday, when he was walking him, but Martin brushes it off. He also exits quickly, which sparks the suspicions and then fears of his family. Martin, however, explains to Frasier in the kitchen that the reason Eddie has been going into the church is that both he and the dog have been asked to play a part in the Christmas pageant. He is embarrassed though, as one of the songs he has to sing, “O Holy Night” has a note in it he can't hit, so Frasier and Niles agree to help him practice.

Daphne's Perspective: All innocent and explainable, right? But then look at it from the viewpoint of one who has only caught some of the conversation and made her own conclusions as to what is going on. Daphne sees only Frasier comforting his father, who appears to be coughing badly (this is after he has mistakenly laced Martin's eggnog with paprika rather than nutmeg) and as Frasier leaves he assures his father that Niles and he will be there for him (this is for the practice, but she doesn't know that. ) She then asks him if he contacted his doctor for the results of his physical and he says he did, is noncommittal about it. When she then hears him on the phone talking to the priest she again gets her wires crossed and thinks he's talking about dying, when he's worrying about playing his part in the drama. Add in Eddie's diversions to the church and she soon puts two and two together and gets nine: Martin is sick, perhaps dying. Martin thinks it's hilarious when he finds out what she was thinking.

Just as they figure it out and are having a right ding-dong, Niles staggers into the apartment, looking wet and much the worse for wear, and collapses, unnoticed, behind the sofa.

Niles's Perspective: He relates how he got into the lift and had to share it with three people - and a huge Christmas tree. Worried about his Italian suit, he stayed as far as he could from the tree, bu then the lift jams. Trapped together, the four of them have to figure a way out. With the maintenance crew at least an hour away, Niles has to climb up the Christmas tree to the lift shaft in order to trigger the remote door release. Unfortunately, once he does everyone legs it and nobody waits for him, whereupon the doors shut again and the lift begins to ascend! Dirty with grease, stuck with pine needles, his expensive suit destroyed, Niles crawls out of the lift and into Frasier's apartment, where he collapses. Unnoticed.

Roz's Perspective: Roz meets Frasier and gets a call from her mother, who is coming to visit. Unbeknownst to him, he tells her about her daughter's pregnancy, news which Roz was waiting till the right moment to break! As the Crane house descends into bickering and arguing and sniping, Frasier decides the best thing to do is get some masseurs and masseuses over to help them all unwind, and so we come to the end, and also the beginning, of our story.

QUOTES

Martin: “That dog does weird things. Yesterday, when we were taking our bath together, he spent fifteen straight minutes pushing the soap around with his nose like an otter! Weird!”

Martin (on phone about his role in the play): “Well I'm terrified about this, Father. It all came around so suddenly. I'm not prepared. Now, tell me what I'm supposed to say when I see Jesus for the first time?”

Daphne: “You were going to let all this happen without letting a soul know?”
Martin: “Well yes. I didn't want everyone staring at me in that church, stiff as a board, all that makeup on my face..”

Niles: “How am I supposed to get up there?” (The lift shaft)
Woman: “You can climb this tree.”
Niles: “Oh surely not!”
Woman: “Oh come on now. I'm sure you climbed plenty of trees when you were a boy.”
Other woman: “That's Doctor Crane's brother.”
All: “Ohhh...”

Woman: “Why is that man crawling?”
Man: “That's Doctor Crane's brother.”
Woman: “Oh.”

Frasier: “My gift does not come from some fancy store, or wrapped in glittery paper. My gift comes from my heart. Tonight I intend to sit each once of you down and tell you in my own words exactly how much you mean to me.” (This being the cheapest present anyone could get, the others are understandable not very happy about it).
 
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Blackadder's Christmas Carol

To kind of tie in with my Scrooge Showdown, now in progress, but not included as it is a TV special and very different to any of the movies, here's the hilarious interpretation Rowan Atkinson and Ben Curtis put on the classic tale.

Turning the concept entirely on its head, Ebeneezer Blackadder (what? You thought he'd be called Scrooge?) is known throughout London as the kindest, most generous man in the city, perhaps in the country. To the poor he opens his doors, to the destitute he renders any assistance he can. He sees the good in all men, and because of his trusting, almost naively innocent nature, is a target for every user, scoundrel and conman that crosses his path. He is taken advantage of by family and friends, all of whom see him as a soft touch. His only real friend, Mister Baldrick, loves him for who he is, sees the way others use him for their own needs but is unable to convince Mr. Blackadder that he is being taken for a chump.

Meanwhile, at the palace, Queen Victoria is about to set forth with her husband Albert on their traditional “Christmas adventure”, when they disguise themselves as ordinary folk and seek out people to reward for their kindness to their fellow man. When they reach Blackadder's house they manage to get his turkey, the last thing he has left after having been robbed of all his money (by Mrs Scratchett and an urchin), his presents (by his god-daughter Millicent) his tree (same) and his nuts (by the Beadle). Dejected, and with nothing, he heads to bed, but Baldrick tells him that while he was out a strange ghostly being entered, telling him that they would have a visitation that night. Shaking his head, Blackadder retires.

That night, the Ghost of Christmas Past enters, but seems to be just passing through, as he says Blackadder is such a good man there is no need for him to try to convert him. He does however accept a drink, and gets to talking with Blackadder, telling him about his ancestors, most of whom were mean, nasty people, as we know. We're then treated to special “flashbacks” to previous Blackadder shows, such as Blackadder II, where we see the Queen abolish Christmas, Blackadder petulantly destroy the painting he had been about to give her, only for her to change her mind about Christmas and leave him facing execution. Being Blackadder though, he manages to trick her into signing a death warrant for Lord Melchet instead, and is thus saved from the axe.

Having seen this, Ebeneezer Blackadder is most impressed at his ancestor's guile and cunning, and when the Spirit shows him another of his forebears, Blackadder III, who lived around the 1790s, he is further enchanted. This particular ancestor tries to trick his master, the Prince Regent, who has about as many braincells as a fish has bicycle clips, into handing over all his Christmas presents to Baldrick, dressed as an old woman with a tale of woe. Unfortunately, he becomes a victim of his own plan when Baldric lets in an actual poor old woman who happens by, collecting for charity, and it is to her that all the Prince's presents go.

Again, his descendant marvels at the ingenuity of the long-dead relative, and asks to be seen his own future, in which he sees himself as the commander of a galactic fleet, marrying the queen of the universe. Then he checks to see what would happen if he remains as he is, and is less than pleased with the results, as he is now subservient to Baldrick! After seeing this he decides to change who he is. The next morning he sets about being as mean and nasty as he can be, getting his own back on those who have taken advantage of him over the years. And because everyone expects him to still be the kind, snivelling old soft touch he was, his plan works brilliantly. Enemy after enemy is despatched, from the grasping Mrs Scratchett and her not-so-crippled son to his own god-daughter, who is sent running with a flea in her ear. Even his oldest friend, Mister Baldrick, is not safe from his new persona, as he reverts to the type of man he has seen his ancestors were.

Unfortunately, the Queen chooses that day, Christmas Day to revisit Ebeneezer to reward his philanthropy, kindness and general niceness, but he is now a miserable skinflint, caustic and horrible to everyone, and failing to recognise Victoria and Albert he insults them and throws them out of the house. And there, in one day, go his hopes of ever being Baron Blackadder, the nicest man in England.

QUOTES

Blackadder (off camera): “Humbug! Humbug!” (Coming in the door with bag of sweets) “Humbug, Mister Baldrick?”

Blackadder (looking at Baldrick's Christmas card: “Christmas has an “h” in it, Mister Balrdick. And an “r”. Also an “i”, an “s”, also a “t”, an “m” and “a”, and another “s”. Oh, and you've missed out the “C” at the beginning. Congratulations, Mister Baldrick: something of a triumph I think: you must be the first person who's ever spelled “Christmas” without getting any of the letters right at all!”

Mrs Scratchett: “No goose for Tiny Tom this year!”
Blackadder: “Mrs Scratchett, Tiny Tom is fifteen stone and built like a brick privy! If he eats any more heartily he will turn into a pie shop!”

Blackadder: “What a jolly fellow!”
Baldrick: “Looked like a fat git to me.”
Blackadder: “Well, yes, but you mustn't judge people from outside appearances, Mr. Baldrick. Strip away the outer layers from a fat git and inside you'll probably find...”
Baldrick: “A thin git.”

Blackadder: “I detect from your accent, sir, that you are not from around here.”
Prince Albert: “Er, nein! I am from ... Glas-gow.”

Baldrick: “Night night. Oh, I forgot to mention: while you were out there there was this enormous ghostly creature came in saying Beware, for tonight you shall receive a strange and terrible visitation! Just thought I'd mention it. It come through the wall, it said its piece, and then it sodded off.”

Ghost: “Spirit of Christmas, how d'ye do? Just doing my rounds. A wee bit of haunting, making evil old misers change their ways. Course, you're such a good fellow there'll be no need for any of that nonsense! So I'll just say cheery-bye and be on my way.”
Blackadder: “Can I offer you a cup of tea?”
Ghost: “Ye wouldn't have anything a wee bit more ... medicinal?”
Blackadder: “Only Nurse McCreedy's Surgical Brews Lotion.”
Ghost: “Hey! Nothing but the best in this house!”

Baldrick: “Have you anything for me?”
Blackadder II: “Oh, it's nothing really...”
Baldrick: “Oh sir!”
Blackadder II: “No, really. It's nothing. I didn't get you anything.”

Blackadder II: “Melchet, greetings! I trust that Christmas brings you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach cramps.”
Melchet: “Compliments of the season to you, Blackadder. May the yuletide log slip from your fire and burn your house down.”

Blackadder II: “Hah! Got him with my subtle plan!”
Baldrick: “I can't see any subtle plan.”
Blackadder II: “Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked upon a harpsichord singing Subtle plans are here again!”

Queen: “I want presents! Give me something nice and shiny. And if you don't I have something nice and shiny for you. It's called an axe!”

Blackadder III, explaining the rules of Charades: “If it was the Bible I'd do this (holds up two fingers) to indicate it has two syllables...”
Prince Regent: “Two what?”
Blackadder III: “Two syllables.”
Prince: “Two silly bulls? Don't remember any silly bulls in the Bible! I remember a fatted calf, but from what I can recall that was quite a sensible animal.”

Blackadder III: “So, shall I begin the Christmas story then?”
Prince: “Absolutely. As long as it's not that terribly depressing one about the chap who gets born on Christmas Day, shoots his mouth off about everything under the sun and comes a cropper with a couple of rum coves on top of a hill in Johnny Arabland!”
Blackadder III: “You mean Jesus?”
Prince: “Yes, keep him out. He always spoils the Xmas atmos!”

Spirit: “It does point to a very clear lesson.”
Ebeneezer Blackadder: “Namely?”
Spirit: “Uh, namely ... that the rewards of virtue are largely spiritual, but all the better for it.”
Ebeneezer: “Really? You don't think it points to the more obvious lesson that bad guys have more fun?”

Ebeneezer: “Don't be too downhearted, Mr Baldrick, for if you look down in the bottom of the sock, you'll see there's something there from me. And it's something I made myself.”
Baldrick: “Well that's the kind of gift that shows the most love! What is it?”
Ebeneezer: “It's ... (withdrawing his hand from the stocking) “a fist! You use it for hitting!” (Demonstrates) “And the wonderful thing about it is, you can use it again (hits Baldrick) and again!”

Ebeneezer: “Love, I should warn you, is like a Christmas cracker. One massively disappointing bang and the novelty soon wears off!”

Mrs Scratchett: “Ah Mr. Ebeneezer. I was wondering if you had a little present for me? Or found me a little fowl for Tiny Tom's Christmas?”
Ebeneezer: “I've always found you foul, Mrs. Scratchett, and more than a little. As for Tiny Tom, he can stuff it up his enormous muscular backside!”
Mrs Scratchett: “But 'e's a cripple!”
Ebeneezer: “He's not a cripple, Mrs Scratchett. Occasionally saying “Phew my leg hurts!”when he remembers to wouldn't fool Baldrick! If I was you I'd scoop him out and use him as a houseboat. Good day!”

Queen Victoria: “We are Queen Victoria!”
Baldrick: “What? All three of you?”
 
And of course, what look at Christmas episodes would be complete without
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The very first ever episode to air, and the first of many special Christmas episodes of the series, “Simpsons roasting on an open fire” introduces the sixth member of the Simpson family, who was to become so important in their various storylines, the dog Santa's Little Helper.

The Simpons: “Simpsons roasting on an open fire”

Deprived of a Christmas bonus at work, Homer is glad he can fall back upon the safety net of “The big jar”, the money Marge has scraped together and put aside during the year towards the festive season. When he learns though that this money has all gone to remove a tattoo that Bart got against his mother's wishes, he is unwilling to tell his family that there is no money for Christmas, and keeps quiet about the lack of bonus. Desperate for extra money, he hears Barney talk about working as a mall Santa, and signs up. Unfortunately, after many deductions he's left with a lot less than he expected. Then Barney comes to the rescue again, giving him a tip on a dog racing down the track.

At the last moment though he changes his mind, hearing the name “Santa's Little Helper” being added to the race. Taking it as a sign he bids his full paycheque on the dog, but it performs terribly and he loses all his money, while Barney's dog, as he promised, wins the race. Heading home dejectedly, they see the dog, Santa's Little Helper, being kicked out by its owner and take him home, where he becomes the family dog, the best Christmas present the Simpsons have ever had.

QUOTES

Marge (writing): “The magic of the holiday season has touched us all...”
Homer: “Marge! Haven't you finished writing that stupid letter yet?”
Marge: “Homer sends his love...”

Marge: “All right kids. Let me have those letters and I'll send them to Santa at the North Pole.”
Bart: “Oh please: there's only one fat guy who brings us presents and his name ain't Santa!”

Smithers (over tannoy): “Attention all personnel! Please keep working during this announcement. And now, our boss and friend, Mister Burns!”
Burns (over tannoy): “Hello. I'm proud to announce that we've been able to increase safety here at the plant, without increasing the cost to the consumer or threatening the management pay rises. However, for you ... semi-skilled workers ... there will be no Christmas bonuses. Oh, and one more thing: Merry Christmas!”

Homer (trying to recall the names of Santa's reindeer): “Um... Dasher, Dancer .... Prancer ... Nixon ... Comet, Cupid ... Donna Dixon!”

Homer: “Thirteen bucks??”
Pay clerk: “That's right. Less social security, less employment insurance, less Santa training, less costume purchase, less suit rental, less Christmas club. See you next year!”

Bart: “Oh come on dad. This could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs and it's gonna happen to us!”

Lisa: “What's that, Aunt Patti?”
Patti: “Oh nothing dear. We're just trashing your father.”
Lisa: “Well I wish you wouldn't, because aside from the fact that has the same frailties as all human beings, he is the only father I have, and therefore he is my model of manhood, and my estimation of him will govern my own future prospects of my adult relationships. So I hope you take into account that any knock made against him is a knock against me, and I am much too young to defend myself against such onslaughts."
Patti: “Uh-huh. Go watch your cartoon show, dear.”

Bart: “Aw! Can we keep him dad? Please?”
Homer: “But he's a loser! He's pathetic! He's .... a Simpson...”

Simpons (singing, over the end credits): “Then one foggy Christmas Eve, Santa came to say...”
Marge: “Take it, Homer!”
Homer: “Er, er, Rudolph get your nose over here, and you can guide my sleigh today....”
 
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Let me tell you about television when I was growing up. No, not the programmes, but the actual sets themselves. Yeah, we called them “television sets” back then. Those of you who have grown up knowing a television has a flat screen, is very thin and can be controlled remotely do not know how good you have it. I lived through an era where even the concept of remote control was once unknown, and if you wanted to change the channel (or “station”, as we had it back then), you had to - gasp! - get up out of your chair! What, I hear you say? Was this the Stone Age you lived in, Trollheart?

It’s true though. It was some time into my teens maybe before we got our first telly with remote control, and it wasn’t the compact flat little thing you think of today as being your remote. Oh no. This was big. Probably about as big as one of those 200-packs of cigarettes you get when you go away on holiday, and about as thick. It was heavy and - wait for it - was tethered to the television by a cable, something like they used to use for operating camera shutters remotely. You probably don’t remember that either, do you, in these days of electronic digital timers. Indeed, even digital cameras were not always here and people had to use manual cameras and get the film “developed”. But that’s a story for another time.

I can’t find an exact picture, but it was something along these lines:
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Of course, our old remotes did little more than change the channel and control the volume, possibly the brightness too. After all, our tellys were serious beasts. You wouldn’t lift one on your own. They were fat, wide things with no real handgrips and the only way you could take a hold of one was to tip the screen towards you and grab the back of it and then stagger along with it hoping you didn’t trip over anything! The screen was curved. There was no flatscreen back in my youth. Everyone was used to seeing the very edges of the picture bend out very very slightly, and the screens were thick! The television was also set in a cabinet of sorts. Whereas today your telly is basically a big monitor/screen with some controls and a stand, back in the seventies and eighties they were made of wood, fashioned like a cabinet into which the screen sat, with the controls either under the screen or to one side, and often more on the back.
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You’ll note that the screen appears green. Well it was. Don’t ask me why. Probably something to do with the kind of glass they used in them. And it was glass too: if you pinged your fingernail or rapped your knuckles on the screen you would hear the hollow, slightly ringing sound glass makes. The speaker (mono only of course) was down there at the right, with the controls, such as they were, above it. Mostly these consisted of a volume knob, channel buttons and brightness control. Most channel buttons were pushed in to select the channel but could also be turned. Why? I’ll tell you in a moment.

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That’s what they looked like around the back. None of your USB jacks or stereo audio inputs, and HDMI was an acronym that would not be invented for decades. As you can see, there are ventilation slots in the back, and they were necessary because these machines got HOT! If you touched the back of one while it was running, well you wouldn’t burn your hand but you would certainly feel it. You can see this one had knobs on the back too. They were for tuning.

Unlike today’s tellys, which come either pre-tuned or which, with a touch of a button can find all the channels and tune them in to pin-sharp clarity, older tellys were not generally tuned in. If you rented --- or, if you were quite well-off, bought --- one, you would usually have to look forward to more than an hour of trying to tune in the television. If your tuning selectors were on the front of the unit you were lucky, if not then you would either have to have someone else turn them at the back while you watched the screen, or stretch your arm around the back of the set while craning your neck to see if the reception was coming in. Channels didn’t just appear: you tuned and tuned till you heard a ghostly, whistly noise and then slowly the image would appear. Once you had the station, and knew which one it was, you did whatever it was you had to do to commit it to memory: some TVs worked on the basis of you popping out the selector knob (ooerr!) turning it and then once you had tuned it push it back in, and the selection was saved. Others worked different ways. To be honest, I don’t remember the fine details: it was a long time ago, and each set worked differently in this regard.

Once you had one channel tuned in you moved on to the next, selecting the next knob down after making either a mental note of the name of the station you had just tuned in or marking it with a sticker on the button so you knew where to go when you wanted to get that channel again. Inevitably, as all the channels were broadcast on the same wavelength, you would come across the channel you had already tuned as you went, and cries of delight would quickly turn to disappointment as the family realised we had already got this channel.

And on it would go, till all channels were tuned in. Then we would sit proudly back and confidently press button 1 for BBC 1, button 2 for RTE and so on, and be very happy with ourselves. Of course, if someone accidentally tuned the station out afterwards --- I’ll explain why that might happen in a moment --- then you had to go through the whole process again, at least for that station. And if someone mislabelled the buttons, or the stickers fell off, well just hope you had a good memory otherwise you were due to spend more time clicking around, trying to find the programme you wanted, usually thirty seconds before it was due to be broadcast (for the one and only time).

And then there was what we used to call “ghosting”. In these days of digital television and High Definition channels, everyone expects and gets perfect pictures every time. But not back in my day. We used to have to rely on a company now called UPC and previously Cablelink, but I can’t recall what it was originally called, to provide us with television channels other than the local one. This was generally referred to as “The piped”, as it was piped into our homes. “Piped --- often shortened to pipe --- TV” was the thing to have. Ireland had at the time only one channel, RTE, the national channel and if you wanted more you had to have a television aerial on your roof.
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These were tall, unwieldly things which stood usually on a metal stand or tube and had to be on the roof in order to get any sort of reception. They rarely failed, but if a storm took yours down, or if birds messed with it, your tv could be knocked out. Those wishing for a simpler solution, and willing to receive only the national channel, could use a pair of “rabbit’s ears”, a small indoor aerial that plugged into the back of the telly and then stood on top of the set. The drawbacks of these were many. First, they were anything but stiff as time went on, and the times I remember trying to force one arm to stand up while the other collapsed and fell over, the picture for a moment sharp (or as sharp as you could get with rabbit’s ears!) on the screen before it dissolved in a sea of static to a chorus of disappointed groans. Secondly, although most TVs were flat on top they weren’t very wide --- wider than today’s almost-not-there models certainly, but the base of a pair of rabbit’s ears was quite wide itself, so often you would stick it on the back of the TV, as in the second image above. Problem with that was that the back of the TV was curved and sloped downwards, so inevitably after a while the rabbit’s ears would begin its slow journey down the TV, slip off the end and bang would go your reception! Not only that, but with a pair of rabbit’s ears you could ONLY get your channel in if the ears were positioned a certain way AND LEFT THERE. The slightest deviation of even one of the “ears” and your programme was gone. So when the unit fell off the tv naturally the arms flopped all over the place and you were looking at some time trying to get the channel back in. All the while, of course, your never-to-be-repeated programme was continuing without you!
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“Just get it on the plus one channel!” I hear you youngsters yell knowledgeably and perhaps a little derisively. Would it surprise you to know that there have not always been plus-one channels, that they are in fact a relatively recent invention? So indeed are repeats of the same show either that day or later in the week. When I was growing up if you missed the show you missed the show. There was no catch-up channel, no repeat and they didn’t even do those “previously on…” segments. You really were lost, unless you could find someone who had seen the show and fill you in.

But back to ghosting. What was it? Well, before digital television became the norm, we all received analogue signals. Since they all transmitted on the same wavelength it occurred rather regularly that the signal for one would become stronger than for the other, and it would bleed in to the weaker channel. I don’t know the technical specifics; we just knew it as “bad reception”, probably a figure of speech that would be totally alien to some of you, unless you were thinking in terms of a badly-planned wedding. But it happened all the time, so much so that when you got home and wanted to watch your favourite programme you prayed silently to the television gods that not only would the reception be good, but that it would stay good for the duration of your show, as ghosting could occur at any time and at any point during transmission.

The net effect was that you were looking at, say, Captain Kirk walking along an alien desert,, while in the background a faded, grainy image of a newscaster could be seen. Or “Match of the Day” was suddenly invaded by ice skaters or cartoon figures. The sound would also be affected, so you would hear the programme you were watching (or trying to watch!) and then a buzz, a hiss of static, and “Luton Town, nil. Shrewsbury Rovers two, Dagenham, one.” and so on. Very annoying but very common, and there was literally nothing you could do about it. Not that we didn’t try. Screaming, shouting, cursing, and when none of that worked, blaming our mother and finally trying to “tune in” a channel that was already perfectly tuned, often losing the signal in the process so that the channel that had been ghosting through suddenly came through strongly, as Mister Spock turned to Captain Kirk with a concerned look on his face and a glance at the sky, and say “Sir I think THAT WAS A FANTASTIC GOAL! OH CITY REALLY HAVE IT ALL TO DO NOW!” Cue much cursing, banging of the top of the telly (this always worked) :rolleyes: and frustrated noises, threats to “put me foot through that effin’ thing!” and a general air of grumpiness descending.

We had no twenty-four hour television either. Usually around midnight or 1am the Irish national anthem would play and we would know there was no more to be seen that night. Test cards replaced the final programme like this one
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and pop, classical or sometimes supermarket music would take over. Also, the channel would not be on-air during the day, so until maybe early afternoon if you tuned in this is what you would more than likely see, again accompanied by music
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Finally the music would fade out and the announcer (a real one, not just a voiceover) would appear and welcome us to the channel, telling us what was on that day and then the first cartoon or whatever of the day would begin. If you were off sick from school you could not rely on the telly to keep you entertained, that’s for sure. Unless you enjoyed shopping music.

There were of course no video recorders. We didn’t get our first one till I was about fifteen, and then it was a big event. The idea that you could tape a show and then watch it later? Pause it? Rewind it? Man, state of the art! What a time to be living in! And by now we had progressed on to infra-red remote controls, which were much smaller (generally; some were still bloody huge) and needed no connection to the TV in order to work. The Space Age had arrived!

So now we could record all the shows we enjoyed and keep them, for watching whenever we wanted! Cool! I remember renting two video recorders, specifically so that I could wire them up together with SCART leads. I would record my shows on one, then wind the tape back, put a blank one in the second VCR, and go through the show again, recording it but this time stopping the recording at the beginning of each advertisement break and starting it again when the break was over. In this way I made shelves full of tapes of my favourite shows --- Buffy, Angel, Star Trek, Babylon 5 etc --- with no breaks at all, and yes, I made special covers for them. I was a super nerd!

You may or may not be interested to know that I only made the move to a flatscreen TV a years or so ago. Up till then I had been fine with my big chunky CRT (Cathode Ray Tube, basically a wide fat TV) set until one day it just died on me, and I was forced to make the switch up to HD and flatscreen. While I would not wish for those days back again --- the idea of ghosting is now gone forever, and good riddance: it ruined more than one programme for me --- I still think fondly of those old cabinet televisions and wonder if they’ll ever make a comeback, even in a “retro” style, with maybe a flatscreen inside the cabinet? Probably not though: they were, I have to admit, bulky, heavy, often ugly, loud and they got hot easily. And yet, they broke but seldom. In these days when we buy a new TV and expect to be replacing it within five or ten years, our old sets back in the 70s and 80s were very reliable and were usually only replaced due to upgrade rather than necessity. And screen size was not the social status symbol it is now. Some people had small TVs, some had portable ones (fourteen-inch screen or less) and some had big, ostentatious twenty-eight or even thirty0two inch ones. But nobody who had a small telly was that bothered if their neighbour had a bigger one, or if they were, didn’t show it that I saw.

So next time you plug in your brand new HDTV and watch the channels pop up in front of your eyes, or next time you view your favourite HD channel and marvel at the clarity --- or bitch that it isn’t quite pin-sharp enough for you --- spare a thought for what these televisions had to go through to get to where they are today. They’re not the pinnacle of technological evolution, far from it. But they began from very humble origins, and they owe their dominance of our viewing habits to their elderly grandfathers, who at one time would not even have recognised the term remote control.

Happy viewing, you lucky people!
 
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LOL....good story. I remember when my parents got their first color TV. I was in 2nd or 3rd grade. But the day the TV was to be delivered, my Dad took me hunting.

And there I was, 6AM on chilly Saturday morning. Freezing my butt off in a tree stand wishing I was at home watching "Space Ghost" in COLOR!

The things we take for granted these days....hehe.
 
We got our first TV and it was color a zenith 21" space command in 1963 but the huge antenna we had to have to get a picture cost over $500 with the tower and the stacked yagi arrays with the rotator we were on a rural farm 1/2 way between two cities each over 100 miles away ane so in some weathers we wold get channal4 from one city on the front and cochannel interference from the other city on its channel 4... the big yagi arrays were to try to control this but good tv reception was a sometime thing. before that we had to drive to the grandparents 20 miles of dirt road for their B&W Dumont.
 
The shape and size limits of old tellies was I believe partially dictated by the physics of needing to have a glass tube full of vacuum and partially by the shape of 35mm filmstock.

The physics I can't comment on but I do remeber old televisions were incredibly heavy and given there was probably one inverse square rule about the screen size to thickness of glass needed to maintain the tube's integrity involved there must have been some practical limit to the size/weight/fragility equation.

The proportions: Golden age Hollywood's films were shot and screened full frame. What was recorded on the negative was projected in the cinema. Kind of Squarish. Later 'widescreen' films were, often shot on squarish 35mm and just had the top and bottom masked off. Letterboxing. Films were often shown on television (and released on VHS) unletterboxed which meant that from time to time dolly tracks and boom mikes would wander into areas never intended to be viewed by the audience. Even worse was the horrible practice of 'panning and scanning' a movie when some anonymous techie somewhere would decide which bit of the too wide to get onto the telly screen to show and would often make jump cuts in the same shot, or add pans to static shots to follow the action - or sometimes they just pointed it at the middle of the screen and hoped people wandered into view. I remember watching wide screen epic El Cid on the TV once and, towards the end, there was a scene with Charlton Heston and Sophia Loren acting their socks off from opposite side of a very large room declaring their nobly sacrificed undying love for each other.... and all you could see were their noses poking into the side of the telly screen. Really buggered up the mood of the movie.
 
part of the weight of CRT was in the leaded glass they were made of to reduce the way little Timmy sitting right up close gets Zapped by those Scarry Rays!
 
Not to mention preventing little Carol Anne from getting sucked into a hellish dimension of ghosts and demons!

Thanks for the comments, guys: always good to know someone is reading, and even better to see that some of you understand what I'm talking about in the last post! Oldies unite, huh?
 
Windshadow said:
part of the weight of CRT was in the leaded glass they were made of to reduce the way little Timmy sitting right up close gets Zapped by those Scarry Rays!
Click to expand...

I do remember they made a hell of a bang when you threw bricks at them.
 
I don't know about bricks, but I can confirm they were not made to put candles on top of! As my sister did once, not realising that the vents in the top, in addition to letting out heat, could also admit candle wax. Up went a flame from the TV, out shot my sister giggling hysterically from the living room, leaving her at the time boyfriend to put out the fire quickly. Couldn't do that now of course; could barely balance a birthday cake candle on the so-called top of a flatscreen!
 
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