Critique: Beginning of an idea.

[Susan Boulton]

Hit 40,000 words. This middle section has a lot of "finding things out." Both about the main plot and the characters. I had thought about showing the first theft in the area, but thought better of it. I will keep to my original idea of showing the theft at Tennant's parents and the attempted theft at Hardy's home.

I have come across a wonder source of army/underworld slang. A book actually. It details not only the words and their meaning but when they roughly came into use. I am toying with the idea of Agnes, now and then letting an unlady like word slip out, words she learned during her time as a nurse in France. I also need to find out if ladies push-bikes of the time had both rear and front brakes. I remember an old bike my nan had (complete with basket on the fron) that only had front brakes.... Agnes is a midwife in training and has reached the point where she is going to be out with another midwife, deliverying babies round the town. So she has a bike and a good excuse for being out in the early hours, ideal to see villians leaving the scene...

 

[KatG]

LOL, you're having so much fun, aren't you?

 

[Susan Boulton]

LOL, you're having so much fun, aren't you?

I am, very much. I also have the urge to get it down at least in first draft, just in case something happens with the Oracle submission. I just don't want to leave this one half done for another year, as it is nearly one since I had the original idea.

If I get it into first draft then I can relax for a month or two before looking at it with editing eyes...

 

[Susan Boulton]

Managed to get this to 42,000 words. This last section has been a pig of a one to do. I am not 100% satisfied with it, but it is good enough for me to move on. I have spent quite a bit of time detailing the "time line" of second half of the story, as it all takes place between Saturday 28th October 1922 and Saturday 11th November 1922. Two weeks. I have to have events both logical and the action possible for the characters. I have also done a rough blow by blow chapter outline for the remaining chapters, complete with whose POV these have to be from, and how they dovetail into each other.

I reckon I have about the same amount or maybe a bit more to write to complete this is first draft. I hope it does not take me as long lol... It is getting harder and harder to write from the main villian's POV and I have another three maybe four chapters to do from him. Though these will be broken up by three other characters. I have settled for only using four POV characters in this novel, thankfully. I was only going to use two, but I found I needed one to cover the events that neither Hardy nor the villian (still not settled on his first name) would not know. Then I found I wanted a counter point to Hardy's view of the war, and this I can do through Agnes' POV.

One stupid thing I keep worrying about is the length of this novel. at present most new novels in the UK market are round about 100,000 to 120,000 words. This is going to struggle to make 90,000. I suppose I could, when editing pad it out a bit, but I don't want to do too much of that and lose the power of the language. Stupis I know, not even written, not even pitched at an agent and worrying about length. I am daft...lol...

 

[Dazzlinkat]

Wow, great progress! Length smength! Toss the length to the weasel, hehe. Maybe it will tie itself up chewing on it

 

[Susan Boulton]

Wow, great progress! Length smength! Toss the length to the weasel, hehe. Maybe it will tie itself up chewing on it

Thanks Daz, writing is going well today. I hope to have a whole chapter done by this evening and hopefully another tomorrow (on holiday) This will take me up to 50,000 words. Detailing the plot line helped my think over various takes on certain aspects of the plot and I have a lovely red herring frying in the story line at present lol - just hope I can pull it off. I seem to be doing main action and dialogue, getting the bare bones down, then hopefully will flesh it out once I get the beast into first draft....

 

[KatG]

Don't be silly -- you don't know what length it's going to be yet. What you do know is that you have compressed the time period for the story, because you are increasing the pacing of the action, making it less historical, more thriller. Thrillers are usually shorter, but you don't know how much you are actually going to need. You may end up adding whole sub-plots.

You also need to have more faith in the printing tricks of publishers. 90,000 words -- not a problem. It's the length of your average contemporary novel. But I won't say ignore your fears completely, because a fear of it being too short will help you keep from skipping over key events too quickly.

 

[Susan Boulton]

Kat, I think I have calmed down about the length of this. I have also got over my mid book slump. I knew were I wanted the story could go, but I couldn't think it through. Done it now, hopefully. I have been trying since Easter to get this straight in my head. All my ideas were falling flat. I have had a long weekend (back to work today) where I have sat down and worked on this more or less non stop for three days. Brain-stormed time lines, ideas, as well as writing nearly 10,000 words.

I have also been digging into the tonnes of research I have done of the local area. i am at present working on a scene in the local library of the time. An interesting fact was that this library was built with fund from the Carnegie Trust! It also housed the Wragge Musum, which makes it ideal I have both places my characters need to visit in one building!!! I have also gone down to my mum's village and taken a walk across the canal to remind myself what it looks like, or at least the bridge, lock and lockhouse, comparing it to my memories of the place 40 odd years ago and photos of 80-90 years ago.

Nice to not have my villians worrying about DNA profiling, just making sure they have their gloves on ROFL.

Also working this part of the story within two weeks has been hard. I have taken to putting the date in brackets on the sections I am writing just to remind me of "when" and "what" the characters are aware of at that time.

And bless the person who thought of the site Staffordshire Past-track. It is a wonderful resource of pictures and has helped me so much. Shows lottery money can be used wisely

 

[Susan Boulton]

I have never written a telephone conversation before. This is my first attempt. I wanted to limit the dialogue tags and hint at a developing relationship between the characters, have them say normal things, yet there be another meaning underneath.

Also, they are using a 1922 telephone system....

Does this section work at all. (Note first draft, grammar sucks)


Now where would she find Captain Hardy’s telephone number? She began to look through the two books that lay on the hall table next to the large bakelite black telephone. Yes, there it was. The Captain’s number was on a page marked, in Elizabeth’s flowing hand, James’ friends. It lay between the pages that listed various shops and purveyors of goods and one that listed the vicar and local doctor. Agnes wondered in amusement if Elizabeth considered James’ friends better than tradesmen, yet not quite the social standing of the more professional middle class.

She ran her finger along the entry, reading it aloud. “Hardy, Robert, former Captain, Cason Manor, Weston 27. You will have to go through the operator; it is not a Stafford number. Oh, Lizzy, talk about stating the obvious.”

Agnes picked up the black handset. A soft click was followed by a hum from the earpiece, as she placed the device against the side of her head. It was heavy and the mouthpiece was large, curved, almost brushing her lips. She placed the index finger of her free hand in the dial and pulled it round, both feeling and hearing the operator’s number click. A ringing tone began then was interrupted by a clear, polite, female voice. “Operator, here, good morning, how may I be of assistance?”

“Err, yes, good morning,” Agnes stuttered. “Can you put me through to Weston 27?”

“Putting you through now, caller,” The woman said and a sharp tap, tap, then a ringing tone replaced her voice.

“Good morning, Cason Manor.” The voice was male. It sounded far away, the words cut by cracks and whistles.

“Robert, I mean Mr, I mean… oh bother!” Agnes could kick herself.

“Yes, this is Robert Hardy.” Of course, it was him. “Who is this?”

“Agnes,”

“Oh, my Florence Nightingale.” She could hear the amusement in his voice.

“No I am not.”

“No?”

“No!”

“So you haven’t rung to see if you can have your handkerchiefs back?”

“I don’t want them back.”

“Then I will treasure them.”

Agnes felt herself begin to blush, very silly really. “I really rang to…”

“To?” Robert prompted

“To tell you that I have the book. The one with the story in, and a couple of folklore ones. The clerk at the library was very helpful and kind, well, that’s not quite true, he was helpful, but not kind, a bit of a jack-in-office truth be known.” The words came out in rush.

“I see.” He was beginning to laugh.

“It’s not funny I got soaked riding my bicycle back from the library”

Robert cleared his throat. “I am sorry. Can I come round and pick them up this morning? And see you in the process, if you are not toddling off to the hospital?” She could sense a creeping note of tension in his voice, as if now faced with an answer he was a little unwilling to face it.

“No.”

“No?”

“I am going to bed.”

“Bed?” She could hear him start to laugh again.

“Oh bother, I would have you know I have been working all night, then slogged my way through all that rain to get your books and now I want to…”

“Go to bed, I don’t blame you wanting too. I would in your place. How about I come across late this afternoon, unless you are working this evening?”

“Not working till Monday.” Agnes yawned, tried to stifle it, and knocked the handset making it crackle and hiss.

“Go to sleep, Sister Reed.” Robert said softly, then the telephone clicked and a droning noise followed.

“Well I like that, hanging up on me” Agnes muttered through another yawn.

 

[Dawnstorm]

The conversation works fine. I gather Agnes' confusion is an amalgam of (a) being tired, (b) being on the phone (Notice how the operator caught her by surprise, too) and (c) calling Hardy?

Agnes picked up the black handset. A soft click was followed by a hum from the earpiece, as she placed the device against the side of her head. It was heavy and the mouthpiece was large, curved, almost brushing her lips. She placed the index finger of her free hand in the dial and pulled it round, both feeling and hearing the operator’s number click. A ringing tone began then was interrupted by a clear, polite, female voice. “Operator, here, good morning, how may I be of assistance?”

Here, it sounds to me as if Agnes hasn't used telephones a lot. If this is untrue, I'd suggest either (a) cutting back on the detail to suggest a bit more routine, or (b) insert evaluating words and replace "a's" by "the's", to suggest awkwardness.

 

[KatG]

The conversation seems peachy. The description of the phone is a bit more detailed than we probably need. When Agnes says her name, I think she would say "Agnes Reed" instead of just "Agnes." Certainly in that time period, she would, I think.

 

[Susan Boulton]

Thanks Kat, Dawn,

Notes made. Sadly I doubt I will get to even open the manuscript today, busy day, Friday. I have to actually show some effort and clean the house.....

 

[Susan Boulton]

Nearing 55,000 words. These chapters need a lot of work to make them interesting, to draw the reader through them as they are "finding out information and developing relationships type chapters" Though once done I have a major "Hand" robbery scene plus a horrible murder to write.

Then it is the downward slope to the final act, drawing all the characters together, which I think will take more scenes than I have penciled in. I still feel the first draft will come in about 80,000 to 90,000 words... giving me about 20,000 to play with threading in more detail where needed.

 

[Dazzlinkat]

Yayyy, a nice, beefy skeleton to work with

 

[Susan Boulton]

55,000 words reached and it is only Sunday! lol... Two days off work this week, so hopefully time to do some more.....

Anyway, struggling with two things at present.

The translation of this;

Malefica quaedam auguriatrix ib Anglia fuit, quam demones horribiliter extraxerunt et imponentes super equum terribilem, per aera repuerunt Clamoresque terribiles (ut ferunt) per quatuor ferme miliaria audiebantur.

And trying to find out if a work I want to quote is in the public domain. I believe it is, seeing it was written in the middle of the 19th century, and is freely available on the net. Though, I don't think it is a problem while the story is just on my hard drive, if there is a problem it will be if this ever makes it into print, then the publishers can sort it out lol....

But I am sort of stuck until I get a translation, so I am doing a bit of research and reading for the next scene... tarot cards anyone

 

[Dawnstorm]

Malefica quaedam auguriatrix ib Anglia fuit, quam demones horribiliter extraxerunt et imponentes super equum terribilem, per aera repuerunt Clamoresque terribiles (ut ferunt) per quatuor ferme miliaria audiebantur.

My Latin's rusty; handle with care. (Also: is this medieval Latin? Some of the spelling looks unfamiliar.)

The first part appears to be about an English seer who is evil, but the "ib" throws me. For all I know "Anglia" could be the subject of the sentence.

Then there's something about horrible demons pouring forth mounted on terrible horses and [probably riding; "repuerunt" I don't know, and I don't find it in dictionaries] through the air. Finallly, there are terrible sounds that could be heard for [??? miliaria = thousands; quatuor could have something to with four; ferme = almost] [ut ferunt, I think, means "as they were", referring either to the sounds for emphasis or back to the demons as comparison]

Sorry, I can't do much better, but it sounds like a seer is either predicting or summoning a demon horde to lay waste to England. Or she's compared to such a demon horde, as she'll do things as terrible.

Hopefully, you'll get a more informed opinion later on.

 

[Susan Boulton]

My Latin's rusty; handle with care. (Also: is this medieval Latin? Some of the spelling looks unfamiliar.)

The first part appears to be about an English seer who is evil, but the "ib" throws me. For all I know "Anglia" could be the subject of the sentence.

Then there's something about horrible demons pouring forth mounted on terrible horses and [probably riding; "repuerunt" I don't know, and I don't find it in dictionaries] through the air. Finallly, there are terrible sounds that could be heard for [??? miliaria = thousands; quatuor could have something to with four; ferme = almost] [ut ferunt, I think, means "as they were", referring either to the sounds for emphasis or back to the demons as comparison]

Sorry, I can't do much better, but it sounds like a seer is either predicting or summoning a demon horde to lay waste to England. Or she's compared to such a demon horde, as she'll do things as terrible.

Hopefully, you'll get a more informed opinion later on.

Thanks Dawn, your rusty latin is far better than my english

The ib turned out in another version to be in, and I managed to pin in down yesterday.... Got cheeky on an other forum and asked there as well.

It is a passage that refers to the fate of one who makes a hand of glory.....

Them getting dragged off by demons.....


Progress good, hope to have nearly 60,000 words by the weekend. It is motoring now. Still have to figure out the tarot card use. I don't want to bore folks, also the matter of the villian overhearing the good guy talking about the hand needs to be shoe-horned in.

Just hope the conversation about the hand between Hardy and Agnes is not too twee or reads false.

 

[Dawnstorm]

Them getting dragged off by demons.....

Ah, makes sense. (quam = whom? Hm...)

Progress good, hope to have nearly 60,000 words by the weekend. It is motoring now. Still have to figure out the tarot card use. I don't want to bore folks, also the matter of the villian overhearing the good guy talking about the hand needs to be shoe-horned in.

Just hope the conversation about the hand between Hardy and Agnes is not too twee or reads false.

Go, you!

 

[WritersBlock]

I want to read the story but the links don't seem to work.

 

[Susan Boulton]

There are three chapters here on the site, all first draft, full of errors and typos. Been polished a bit since, but I am trying to complete it before I go into heavy editing.


Here you go;


http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1952p0.html

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/1953p0.html

http://www.sffworld.com/community/story/2263p0.html